400 lbs of pain: My story

[dlar57 29]

You should be very proud if yourself , take one day at a time, am proud of you . You are strong person , I wish you the best!

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

Hi Allegra, welcome to Bariatric Pal!

Thank you for sharing your story with us. So many of us will feel sympathy and empathy for what you've gone through. A lot of us have been abused in one way or another. Overcoming those obstacles in one reason why we are even here right now.

God Bless! Take care and if you ever need anything I'm here.

I contemplated having the gastric bypass off and on for about 10 years and ultimately decided against it. The surgery seemed so drastic and back then you really couldn't get solid research on how long a person lived post-op. The interesting thing is the same thing can be said for the gastric sleeve but it did not matter any more. It was time for me to make a change.

My highest weight measured was 402 lbs. I lost about 20 lbs and lingered there for nearly a year until I started preparing for surgery. My weight at surgery on December 2, 2013 was 368 lbs and I am 5'3". Fortunately I was never immobile or using assistive devices but life was/is hard at 300lbs.

There is no great mystery how I got to this weight - I ate my feelings, every pound. I have had a lifetime of traumatic experiences beginning in early childhood too numerous to dwell though probably not unlike some of you. I was abused as a child and starved as a young child. Through my teen years I became a bulimic to try to gain some semblance of control over my life. , To be honest I got the idea of binging and purging from an actress who appeared on TV talking about it and though already thin at the time, I could eat all the food I wanted and just throw it up. I couldn't deal with what was going on in my life any more and food became my way to escape. I finally stopped throwing up in my early 20's after I became pregnant but the binging never stopped.

You would think adult life would relieve the trauma but I found abuse in my relationships too and continued to eat. I won't even pretend that I needed an excuse. Food was my best friend, my source of comfort and I could control when and how often I ate which was all the time. Other traumatic experiences continued to fuel this....emptiness....that no amount of food could seem to fill and for over 14 years I have been over 300+ lbs.

In July 2009, I was a victim of a violent crime. It shattered my world to the point I left my job and became reclusive for a long time. I still haven't returned to work and am on disability. The truth is I believed my weight was my protector from the outside world. I had worn it as a shield, learned to pretend I didn't care what people thought of me, didn't notice the looks, held my head high and I was a leader in the community I worked. I couldn't reconcile what happened to me at my size. It was something that only happened to skinny beautiful people. It is just not something you ever hear about but I guess that was my own disillusion and now everything has changed.

It's been 7 weeks since my surgery and food no longer gives me the comfort that it used to and eating is this chore that I have to do. Initially all the same urges to eat were there but that has passed, Now I lay awake some nights with the aftermath of what food has done to my body and it seems I can't lose weight fast enough. I just want to wake up and it all be gone but I know that is not real either. My current weight is 312 maybe less but I won't be sure for a few days and I realize how close that is to 299. I haven't been 200 anything in 14 years. I think I will cry the first time the scale says anything under 300. That will be a day to celebrate!

Can anyone relate to what I said?

[Kristin1969 57]

I relate to you very much. I am a 44 year old woman who weighs 330 lbs. I too have contemplated gastric surgery for several years. And, I am finding life most difficult at 330 lbs. Although I am not immobile, I do have self-esteem issues. I desperately want my self-confidence back – I know it’s in there somewhere!

I too ate my feelings - 330 lbs. worth. I was abused as a child – sexually, verbally and emotionally. I also believed my weight was my protector from the outside world and had worn it as a shield.

As an adult I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years and I’m lucky to be alive.

I am on day two of my three week all liquid diet and I am having VSG in MX on 2/10/14. Day two is hard but I am ready. I no longer need my shield – I am no longer willing to be a victim. It is time for me to be good to me!

I met the most wonderful man who loves me just as I am and fully supports my decision. While I am going through this process he has joined the gym and gotten a person trainer. He is taking pics with me every week and weighing in every week and recording our journey on a blog.

<<<<HUGS>>>>> and much love to you.

“If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you.” – Fred Devito

[Scylla 106]

Big hugs to you, Allegra. I am 44 also, and can relate to much of what you experienced. I was not physically abused, but I was emotionally abused on a daily basis by my mother because of my weight.

You've got this! We're all on your side, and we're all rooting for you!