big doubts, thinking of canceling my Jan 16 surgery

[Tizzielish 21]

Does anyone else here have doubts about the surgery? I have no doubt that I want to lose 80 to 100 pounds. I have already lost about 100, although gradually over about ten years. Now I am sixty, see how the extra weight affects my knees and I'm scared. I've been scheduled for surgery two times before and backed out. Why? I don't wish to offend anyone who did a RnY. My surgeon says it is the gold standard of weight loss. And I have read about many stories of folks who opted for the gastric sleeve only to go back for the RNY. If I had WLS it's going to be the RnY. I'm not afraid of the reocvery when my new stomach heals. I can handle pain and struggle. I am not at all anxious about needing to eat small portions forever, avoid sguar -- which never crosses my lips now! and hasn't for years. I don't want my large intestine to be bypassed and for my body to be subjected to malabsorption of nutrition. I don't mind taking supplements for the malabsorption. B-12, Calcium, Multivitamin, Vitamin D -- I've been taking these for ayear to ready for the surgery. I've been eating the pre=op diet for about a year, too, which means two Protein Shakes, four ounces of Protein and one cup veggies so of course I've lost a lot of weight this year. And I don't care about food all that much and I care about it less now than ever. And I want to be slim, for my health, for my knees, so I live a long time. But I have Type I diabetes, so the surgery will not cure it. And my biggest problem, and I don't expect to find any sympathy here because everyone here is readying for surgery or has had it . .. but it just doesn't seem right to me to bypass my large intestine forever, to subject my body to malabsorption of nutrients for the rest of my life. It seems wrong, like playing God. So today I called my surgery case manager to cancel -- she did not return my call. I called my surgeon's scheduler to cancel and she was off today. Are these signs? I want to lose weight but I don't want to have a RnY. I suspect many who chose the gastric sleeve had similar concerns, they did not wish to permanently bypass their large intestine and the sleeve seems less invasive and leaves the basic nutritional system intact. But the Sleeve is often switched to the RnY, right? Anyone else feel as I do? I want to be slender but I don't think I can accept permanent malabsorption of nutrition.

Edited December 31, 2013 by ajustice

[music1618 879]

I think you need to listen to the little voice in your head and your heart. Rny is a lifestyle change, and you must be ready to accept the new life. It sounds to me like you are already doing so much of what our post op requirements are. However the thought of changing your plumbing is what has you worried.

Not all sleeve patient change to rny, and if you truly want to lose the weight it may be a good stepping stone for you. You might be happy with the result of the sleeve.

I would also suggest that you speak to a counselor about this. It might help you sort out your thoughts.

[Mid West 99]

My mum taught me something which holds true and I've taught my daughter the same thing - trust your instincts!! They are there for a reason and we ignore them at our peril.

Perhaps the voice in your head is trying to tell you that this surgery isn't for you or perhaps that you're just not ready.

Why not keep doing what you're doing which is great and wait for the day you wake up and JUST KNOW the/which surgery is right for you - and if that day doesn't come, perhaps other options will.

Good luck x

[Birthsjourney 146]

I am 65 and had many of the same feelings .. Even in the pre op surgery center an hour prior to my Rny by pass! I am also a type 1 diabetic and have Had a triple heart bypass and GERD so severe it damaged my lungs! I am now 6 weeks post op and am so happy I pushed through the negative thoughts! I am off almost all meds and my insulin levels are now at 22 units Lantus BID compared to 350 units BID! I could of written your post! I am down 3 sizes, have lost 42 #s and 16"s..

The surgery was not a big deal, very little pain and I was out Christmas shopping at the end of the first week! The easy part is that I am NOT hungry like other attempts! Follow your heart / instincts but don't be afraid to lose it all and get healthier than ever! Best of choices to you...

[kata13 56]

I was asking my surgeon just before surgery if everyone wanted to jump off the table and run. I too was frightened about changing my anatomy. I considered that even the negative consequences I was already suffering with and if I could limit the amount of food I wanted would be worth it and be the right choice for me. Only you know the right answer.

[ajustice 484]

Listen to your instincts. I'm a firm believer that we all should listen to that. The fact you have doubts is enough to put things on hold. I say just research the heck out of everything and make sure you feel confident in your decision and what you are willing to accept for the rest of your life. There are plenty of pros and cons to be weighed about each procedure.

I can honestly say I've never regretted my choice but that was just it, my choice. A knowledgable surgeon and also a therapist may be perfect people to consult with. Good luck with whatever you decide. Wishing you good weight loss success

[terry1118 1,274]

If you're not comfortable with the idea of the surgery, then don't do it. It's a very personal decision, it's not for everyone. Why were you considering it if you are so obviously unsure and uncomfortable about it? Is someone pressuring you to do it? Ultimately only you can make the choice. Do you want reassurance that it's right for you? Again no one can decide that except you.

I can say I never had doubts. It was the right choice for me, I don't regret it, and I've done well with it. I'm 54 and had back pain, knee pain and foot pain, all of which is gone. I was prediabetic, but not anymore. High cholesterol is gone, as are the meds I had to take. It has changed my life. I look and feel good, but more importantly I am healthy. But like I said, I never had a doubt or fear. I was ready.

You need to talk to your doctor about your concerns if you haven't already. Maybe talking to a councilor about your fears to see if they can help you to make a firm decision one day or the other. You need to be sure in your heart and mind if you opt for the surgery. Good luck to you whatever your decision may be.

[Dorian 683]

Like Terry i have had ZERO regrets! I am healthier than I have been in years and feel great. I had the bypass in April to lose weight due to severe back problems. My decision was simple because I really needed back surgery and had to lose weight before any spine surgeon would do it. In November I had back surgery and am doing great.

As far as the malabsorbtion issue I have had my blood work done and it is all right on. In fact it was all better than pre op! Taking Vitamins is really no big deal. I have it all layed out daily and take the same things at the same times. It works out good for me. I wish you luck in making this decision. You need to be READY to do it but I don't think you would regret it!

[DLCoggin 1,788]

I found the thought of quite literally and quite permanently changing the physiology of my body to be a little spooky. No matter how you slice it, that's a big deal. I also found the fact that I had been obese virtually my whole life and there is no doubt that obesity is a progressive, life threatening disease more than a little spooky. I was convinced that I would not, could not ever succeed with diet and exercise - depressing, but in my case, an honest real-life assessment that had proven to be true more times than I could count. The knowledge that the surgery might fail, or I might fail the surgery, was ever present. The possibility, however remote, that I could die on the table was undeniable. My belief that I would almost certainly never see my grandson graduate high school, much less college, was devastating. The thought of not being there with and for my wife for every precious moment possible was (and still is), unthinkable.

Fear comes in many different forms. Prompted by many different considerations. Every benefit has a cost. Every option has an associated risk. There are no guarantees. There are no absolutes. There are no perfect answers. There is no escaping the fact that every course of action raises its own associated doubts.

As everyone has noted, the decision can only be made on a personal level. No one knows you better than you. Your feelings, your beliefs, your thoughts, your strengths, your weaknesses, your commitment, your doubts, your fears. Whatever decision you make, whatever path you take, will require courage. Courage is not about never being afraid. Courage is about doing what you believe to be the right thing, for you, in spite of your fears.

Happy New Year and we all wish you the best in your journey!!

[Tizzielish 21]

Thanks to everyone who took time to support me. It means a lot to me.

I am still sitting with a lot of doubt. I know I would love to lose the rest of the weight I need to lose.And I know being Type I with my constant insulin rejections makes weight loss hard. I feel quite sure the surgery would make weight loss easier. I don't think my hesitation is rooted in fear. I think some part of my being, my inner voice, my goddess self, call it what you will, is unsure. I am not afraid of the surgery. It just doesn't feel right.

I want to lose weight.

I had a long talk with a close friend who is also a therapist, altho not my therapist.She kept telling me that she kept hearing me say "I don't want to do this, I want to lose weight but I don't want to permanently alter my digestive tract."

I know the human mind is tricky. I might be unconsciously fearful, I might be unconsciously resisting.

But I can postpone, In other words, I need do nothing and wait until I am sure. I have until October before all my insurance hoops have to start being repeated. I could postpone a month, six months or forever but I don't have to rush myself.

Thanks, really, to everyone for their kind support.

[Tizzielish 21]

The idea of taking Vitamins and supplements doesn't bother me, fyi. Eating small amounts doesn't bother me - I am attracted to the idea of having a much smaller stomach. Fod is not very important to me and I've been eating the pre=op diet for more than a year: two Protein shakes, four ounches of Protein and a cup of vegies. I don't 'miss' other kinds of foods. I eat gluten-free, sugar-free and dairy-free and have for some time. I'm not losing, unless I literally starve myself. I think if I don't do the surgery I have to accept being fat, with my painful joints as I continue to age. I know the pros and cons. my resistance is something deep, visceral and it gets louder.

Some part of me just doesn't want to do it and I don't think it is fear about the surgery or eating changes. Maybe that's what it is -- the human mind can be such a trickster.

I very much feel gratitude for everyone who reminded me to listen to myself. When I listen to my Self, she says "don't do it', at least not now.

And I am sure my clinic staff will be supportive. My nurse case manager told me, when I rejected a Dec 2nd surgery date "This is more about your head being in the right place than anything else. Postpone as much as you need to."

Unfortunately, this is just me.

[*Misty*Raine* 192]

Thanks to everyone who took time to support me. It means a lot to me. I am still sitting with a lot of doubt. I know I would love to lose the rest of the weight I need to lose.And I know being Type I with my constant insulin rejections makes weight loss hard. I feel quite sure the surgery would make weight loss easier. I don't think my hesitation is rooted in fear. I think some part of my being, my inner voice, my goddess self, call it what you will, is unsure. I am not afraid of the surgery. It just doesn't feel right. I want to lose weight. I had a long talk with a close friend who is also a therapist, altho not my therapist.She kept telling me that she kept hearing me say "I don't want to do this, I want to lose weight but I don't want to permanently alter my digestive tract." I know the human mind is tricky. I might be unconsciously fearful, I might be unconsciously resisting. But I can postpone, In other words, I need do nothing and wait until I am sure. I have until October before all my insurance hoops have to start being repeated. I could postpone a month, six months or forever but I don't have to rush myself. Thanks, really, to everyone for their kind support.

There's no reason to go they with something that you aren't 110% sure about. For me personally, I am also a type 1 diabetic, with diabetic neuropathy. I can't wait to go have my Rny done so that I can get on with taking my life back. If you aren't sure.... Don't go thru with it! Only do what u are able to live with. We don't have to live with ur choices.... U do!

Good luck in ur weightloss just the same. God bless. Misty

[Tizzielish 21]

Big thanks again to all the supportive comments.

I announced in my world that i was postponing and maybe never doing the surgery. Only one friend in my face to face life supports me having surgery. She is also morbidly obese, her insurance won't cover it and she can't self pay. Being the only other fat person in my life, she is the only one who really gets that all the good intentions in the world can't guarantee permanent weight loss. And I know WLS can't guarantee permanent weight loss either. i have ready plenty of stories here about folks who have had second and even third WLS operations.

But as all morbidly obese and formerly morbidly obese know, once the body develops lots of fat cells, it gets wicked hard to keep the weight off. The body evolved to store fat in fat cells for survival in lean times and those fat cellls fight hard to get fat again.

In the past 8 years, I've lost the same 40 to 60 pounds three times, only to regain. AS soon as I stop eating starvation level amounts of food and by 'starvation' I mean unless I feel hungry most of the time, I gain. And then, once I got propertly diagnosed as Type I diabetic and my insulin regimen was greatly increased, man, it seemed like I packed on weight just by breathing. In six weeks, while eating the very restsricted pre-op diet my surgeon gave me, which was two Protein shakes a day with no more than ten carbs in each shake and one meal of four ounces of Protein ad one cup of green vegies. That came to about 600 to 700 calories a day. I kept eating like that, but injecting fastacting insulin before each of thesse 'meals' and in six weeks, while hungry almost all the time, I gained 30 pounds. And then I kept gaining.

I won't kid myself. I am never going to not need some insulin because i definitely have Type I diabetes. I got into the WLS idea solely because WLS frequently ends or greatly improves Type II but in all the prep for the surgery, I had to see an endocrinologist who ran the simple test that should ahve been run 12 years ago when I first developed diabetes and he told me I was type I.

Adjusting to being type I took a lot of emotional energy, plus by then I had been eating the pre=op diet for almost a year. I reasoned if i can eat two Protein Shakes a day, four ounces of protein (turkey burger or piece of mahi mahi, usually, sometimes salmon when I feel flush with cash!) and one cup of greens for a year, and if I have to eat very small meals for the rest of my life post-op, why not just go on dieting and do it on my own?

A great plan except the new insulin make me gain gain gain. And, of course, lots of people don't believe I kept eating such a restricted diet. Many blame fat people whenever they gain, even doctors. It was obvious my endocrinlogist did not believe me when I described to him how i ate. He just said "eat less, it is your fault you are gaining, not the insulin". I have since fired him.

I am sure many reading this have heard the things i hear. Well meaning friends, people who really love me, tell me "you can do it, you don't need surery to lose another 100 pounds" (as if losing the 100 I have lost, which has taken me 8 years and lots of uprs and downs -- altogether, it's more like i've lost 200 pounds -- lose gain lose gain).

So with people closet to me telling me "you can do it yourself" and the insulin challenges overwhelming me, I feel so lost. and my surgyer date is now only two weeks off. Of course I have an appointment with my surgeon this week. Of course I will discuss with her. And I hope this doesn't drive the nice people in this forum who have writen such kindly supportive things, but I am back to thinking i'm going to have the surgery.

If I could do this without surgery, I would have by now.

No one who has not been 200 pounds overweight, at least parat of the time and morbidly obese over 20 years, has any understanding of how hard it is to get it off and keep it off.

And I have no delusions. I know the surgery is a tool. I know I have much work ahead of me. I am going to lose all the weight i have to lose. I am not oging to regain. i am going to permanently change how i eat. I already have. I have not deviatd from the pre-op diet I just described since i started it in Jan 2012. Seriously. Still, I have gained.

Fortunately, I am still 27 pounds below what I weighed the first day I met my surgeon and she counts that weight. She told me I had to lose 26 pounds, I have and I have kept it off -- I also lost 40 more and regained that 40 but she is only focussing on the fact that i met the goal of losing 26. thank god I kept that off -- and I didn't always. In September, when I started up the WLS merry go round once more, I starved myself for a month and crashed off 13 pounds, otherwise I would not have lost the required weight.

The nurse that day asked me to lose ten more before surgery and I have tried but the cursed insuliln. .

sorry for all the rambling.

I wish Ihad one face to face friend who'se been through this. My surgeon's clinic offers post-op support but I can't go to those meetings until i am post op. I wonder if I could just go to the january meeting anyway, to hear, especially, from recent surgery patients.

I don't personally know anyone who has had weight loss surgery. And I only have one good friend who is very fat.

I take that back. I have a new friend, not a good one, too new to be close to her: she is at least 100 pounds overweight and she mostly gained the weight the same way I did: psychotropic medications for depression and anxiety caused her to pack on lot of weight. But she keeps tellilng me that holistic medicine can save me and if I believe in myself, Ill lose weight.

yada yada yada. I'da had the surgery in 2006, the first time i was scheduled, if i hadn't listened to such commentary. Altho to be fair to self, two weeks before the 2006 surgery, my insurnnce company changed some criteria and i was forced to pstpone. Then I suddenly lost 50 pounds. it's hard to keep track of all the pounds I have lost, isn't it? most here know what it is like to lose, gain, lose gain. Even i can't keep track.

But in 2006, I didn't know I was Type I and now I realize I suddenly lost 50 pounds in 2006 from Type I diabetes.

My dad was overweight most of his life, also had undiagnosed Type I until the very end of his life. Near the end, yes, he lost a lot of weight and got thin for the first time. Then he died soon after.

I want to lose weight now. I'm sixty. I was ready to do it two times and it's never going to get esaier.

Today, I'm planning on having my surgery on Jan 16th. if I am going to do it, there is no point in waiting. I am merely wasting good weight loss opportunity, right?

Two days ago, believing i was done with the idea of surgery i went on my new verison of a binge. I have never been a binge eater: I got fat from drugs I took for misdiagnosed illnesses I did not have and from the typical poor Am diet -- pizza every Sunday night but only two slices of highly processed carbs and poor quality cheese, stuff like tht made me fat. I didn't binge on ice cream or mass quantities. I jsut got fat the American way: poor diet. And i am a fanataical exerciser and still got fat.

HERE IS MY NEW VERSsion of a food binge; I had two corn tortillas filled with obout 1/2 cup each of cooked, seaoned pinto Beans -- boiled, not fried, and some avocdo in each tortillas. Total calories? Maybe 400 with the avocado. i could not possibly eat two of those post-op but I could eat one, eventually. But then I beat myself up for 'binging'. I don't think I binged and i think i should stop being so hard on myself. i think I figured if i am not oging to have the surery, after all the restrictions i have imposed on my food for over a year, I am going to have a regular meal and feel full. No cheese, no sour cream, not even salsa. It wasn't a binge, was it? But I am berating myself and telling myself it will causse the scale to rocket up and the surgeon will tell me I gained andcan't have the surgery.

Geez, if I did gain from that modest but not starvation-dinner, that sorta proves I need the surgery. It was the firt meal I ahve had in over a year where i felt full afterwards. it felt good to not feel hungry, as I do all the time.

I read these boards. I want to know the feeling of not feeling hungry with my new tiny stomach the size of an egg. I know that egg size will eventually stretch out, maybe to a cup, but I am looking forward to simply not feeling hungry. right now, that seems heavenly: to not feel hungry while still gaining weight, which is the hell I am in now.

so my surgery is back on. If my waffling bugs some folks, I'm sorry. FEel free to ignore neurotic me.

I don't have much support in the real world for the surgery. my primary doc is 100% behind it. My endocrinologist said he would prefer not to be my doctor if i have it but he reluctantly grimaced and said he would. Frak him: I fired his ass and found an endocrinologist who specializes in diabetes AND obesity who is sympathetic to my my challenges instead of being a fat bigot.

I bet everyone here has run into doctors who don't beleive you when you describe what you eat. I have had doctors bluntly tell me i must be lying when I describe wht i eat or else i wouldn't gain. One year, I literally swam two miles every single solitary day -- for about 14 months -- and i walked to the pool and back, a total of six miles walk plus the two mile swim and I did not lose an ounce and the doctor i was seeing then, a high falutin Stanford doc flatly told me i had to be lying both about my exercise and what I was eating. I was not lying. I dumped her ass, of course, long ago.

jan 16: it's on.

I might sound confused. I am confused but i am clear on one thing: I want to lose weight. i don't want to be unable to walk as I continue to age.

And, wht the heck, I would like to go into a regulr size clothing shop and buy a pair of jens in a regulr size, now a "W". I am not a fussy woman. I want to feel better and it would e nice to look better, of course, and fun to buy regular size clothes again.

I'm doing the surgery on jan 16 unless my two bean and avocado tacos caused me to pack on many pounds -- which I doubt. it just wasn't that much food -- just lot for me these days.

I tend to run on, eh?

big thnks for all the supportive comments. I wish I had face to face friends who said the things foks wote here.

How's this for irony: my 32 year old daughter has struggled with serious anorexia for 20 years and right now she is dangerously skinny, life thretening skinny. I can't turn to her for support. I think my surgery might be triggering some of her starving because she's had her eating disorder under control. i hope tht once I get my weight under control, it will be easier for her to cope with her issues. I think she lives in terror of getting fat like her mom. And, yeah, it hurts to live with such thoughts but they are there.

[Birthsjourney 146]

I am type 1 but have been able to cut my units back about 70% and am not dealing with large amounts of fat cell producing insulin any longer!