some self discoveries

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

This whole weight loss journey has been way "bigger" than losing weight for me. I have shared many self discoveries, new found interests, made new friends, had new adventures and a terrific new wardrobe.... really in some ways a new life....

What has been a more recent discovery for me is understanding in a deeper way the role the food and weight played in my life... for decades. I have read on these forums people who get very emotional over the food deprivation post surgery, but I did pretty okay with that. I had a few "binge attacks" or emotional eating episodes, but in general, I have done really well with all that. i didn't miss overeating, I didn't miss favorite foods, I really was just "over it" - felt I didn't get much pleasure from using food as recreation anyway. At the time, I chalked it up to be really ready for the surgery and the lifestyle changes, now I am thinking about it a little differently.

I just returned from an 8 day vacation with all restaurant food and a goodly amount of "partying" ie drinking, and maintained my weight. It helped that we walked a TON (NYC, Philly and DC - lots of walking). I also kept portions tightly under control and skipped Desserts, and only had "good food" no junky fast food. enjoyed what I ate and drank and didn't do it in too much excess. Amazing restaurant food just isn't that amazing quite frankly. It was fun, but i don't need it in my daily life. More importantly, as soon as i got home i did a fast day and hit the working out again immediately. I feel really good about that, a confidence boost, like I don't need to be afraid, i can function even when off my normal routine and then i am confident I can get back on my routine.

what has been unexpected in a negative way is how much being numbed by obesity and overeating (I think they BOTH played a role in numbing me) and now that it I don't have that shield, how much anxiety I experience. I don't mean social anxiety, public speaking or big fears, more like just that nervous energy like "too much caffiene" or something can give a person. It is an unpleasant feeling and i believe that food used to dull it and I really self medicated myself with food. I am wondering if under that mountain of fat i was always anxious and just didn't know it. I remember that when I was 22 I got down to a normal weight and i about blew a gasket emotionally, but I didn't have the maturity or support to really understand it... and I regained weight so fast I never had a chance to work through it.

I am basically a happy person, and yes i do see a therapist, and my day to day life is just awesome.... but man sometimes i feel like a spring that is wrapped just toooooo tight. Exercise helps, riding my horses help, spending time with good friends helps... lots of things help but, it keeps popping its ugly head. I now need to find a way to cope with this underlying anxiety without using "drugs" (prescribed or self medicated of any kind either). Ultimately, I hope to reach the point where I don't need coping mecanisms (like exercise) and that the inner wound up feeling just is no longer a daily part of life.

The timing is bad to try to solve this now because i am 4 weeks from plastic surgery and in a full on freak out mode about that... so I am pretty sure that I do not have an immediate solution.

My counselor encourages me to mediatate daily and to also accept anxiety, learn to tolerate it, and not be afraid of the anxiety itself being a first step to reducing it. In dealing with the surgery, she has given me permission to "check out" and do a few things that I have done in the past... and I am trying to follow her advice. To give myself permission to be a little crazy if I need to...lol. I have a month to go and on a daily basis the anxiety is amping up so i am concerned.... but i think this is part of the journey of self discovery.

Maybe what surprises me the most is that I am nearly 2 years out, been at goal since Feb 2013 and am only now really seeing this as being related to my weight and eating. hhhmmmm... that couple of years of talk therapy I did many years ago (in my late 20s) I did to solve my eating problems (back when I thought it was all in my head and not largely a physical problem) this whole possibility was never pointed out to me either.

(and please don't tell me my anxiety is because i am not ready for plastics, that isn't the case. the anxiety has a life of its own, I WANT to do plastics, I have researched the crap out of it and am excited about it too. I think it is just the anxiety focal point and trigger right now.)

[simplejaxgirl 135]

This is such an interesting topic. My family would say I'm a worrywart over nothing and everything. Big or small. Anxiety has always had a big role in my life and your post here just made me think about it in a 'hmm maybe I stuffed THAT down with food too' thought (among other things o.0)

What helps you cope? I'm learning that even though I need family, friendship, support etc that I also require a good deal of solidarity and time to myself (for calm and reflection)

I guess I never thought of it as something like a fear that I need to face head on and accept as part of 'me' and my life...

Thanks for sharing either way.

-Cassie

Sent from my iPhone using VST

[feedyoureye 3,087]

I was going to suggest meditation as well. It takes time to develop, but really does help the "calm factor". Have you considered that it might partly be what your eating? It sounds like you eat really clean, but is there caffeine in your diet? Caffeine just kills me. I get this anxiety that feels like my nerves are burning at times. B Vitamins and especially nutritional yeast really help take the edge off.

[Fiddleman 4,376]

You might also consider l-theanine (an amino acid extract sold at health stores) or simply hot green tea. Theanine increases the alpha wave activity in your brain which promotes a deep sense of relaxation. It is also an excellent antioxidant for the brain to repair damaged neurons and synapses. It is dirt cheap. It counters much of the overstimulation of the CNS caused by stimulants like caffeine, but leaves all the nootropic properties for enhanced concentration, focus and learning.

[preetyfatchic 101]

You might also consider l-theanine (an amino acid extract sold at health stores) or simply hot green tea. Theanine increases the alpha wave activity in your brain which promotes a deep sense of relaxation. It is also an excellent antioxidant for the brain to repair damaged neurons and synapses. It is dirt cheap. It counters much of the overstimulation of the CNS caused by stimulants like caffeine' date=' but leaves all the nootropic properties for enhanced concentration, focus and learning.[/quote']

What do u do fiddleman...your posts are always so in detail and researched... sorry off topic...just had to mention that

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[Fiddleman 4,376]

What do u do fiddleman...your posts are always so in detail and researched... sorry off topic...just had to mention that

Sent from my GT-I9100 using VST

Thanks - I am a software engineer, but do have a wide range of interests. Sorry to go off topic Jane.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

So, I did see my doc about this - she practices alternative as well as traditional medicine. She started me on a product called Gaba Ease - intended to reduce the "adrenal response" - ie panic chemicals from our body. Well, I took 3 doses, and it wasn't until the 3rd dose that i figured out it was making me worse. I had a temporary but very very scary reaction - twice I was driving down the road and had to pull over because i thought i would faint - both times happened about 20 minutes or so after taking a dose. I felt like I couldn't breath and I actually considered calling 911 while i still could. It passed fairly quickly, but it wasn't good. The last time it happened I felt ill for hours and when I met a friend for a big hike he actually told me I looked a little green. I regained my strength and we hiked just fine... but it was several hours of suckage.

Their theory is that i had a paradoxical response - meaning the herbs did the exact opposite what they were supposed to. My personal theory is that since my blood pressure is normal/low - that I had a sudden blood pressure drop. We won't find out because she decided it was not wise for me to continue that. She switched me to HTP 5 but I admit I haven't taken any - it is like I am afraid of feeling worse I guess.

I hate green tea, but am willing to try it.

I have posted about this before, but coffee is my primary "addiction transference" substance. I figure it beats alcohol, gambling, wreckless sex and maniacal shopping etc. but my coffee consumption got crazy wicked high over the summer. I have been cutting back over the last month or so and am moving toward going decaf/no coffee in preparation for my plastic surgery. I did that before my VSG too because last thing i need is to go through withdrawals while recovering from surgery! I am probably consuming 1/4 of the caffeine that I was a few months ago and yet my anxiety is actually amped way up. I eat pretty clean otherwise - mostly meat,seafood greek yogurt, cheese, green veggies and Protein drinks.

I will note another small thing. I had let my weight creep about 5# above goal early in the summer - I think i hit 163. I am down to 155 and dropping (intentially) and I can't help but wonder if some of this goes back to the food reduction, the letting go of the weight. I have been doing the 5:2 thing - but I don't notice higher anxiety on fast days, it is just that in general I am eating less.

Our bodies are complicated and I am guessing that I am experiencing something that has both physical and emotional components - just as I believe my overeating and obesity had both.

the point of my original post really is that i am surprised that this is showing up so late in the journey, but I do see it as another aspect of myself that "needs work" and that I continue to work through as part of my transformation.

The biggest difference between the new me and the old me? I am talking to friends and family about it, I am not trying to hide my discomfort and unease. I am being a genuine person and when I was obese I think i often tried to bury many of my inner struggles and i just don't do that anymore and I feel proud of myself for that small victory.

[feedyoureye 3,087]

You might also consider l-theanine (an amino acid extract sold at health stores) or simply hot green tea. Theanine increases the alpha wave activity in your brain which promotes a deep sense of relaxation. It is also an excellent antioxidant for the brain to repair damaged neurons and synapses. It is dirt cheap. It counters much of the overstimulation of the CNS caused by stimulants like caffeine, but leaves all the nootropic properties for enhanced concentration, focus and learning.

what is the recommended dose/timing?

[Fiddleman 4,376]

what is the recommended dose/timing?

It is best to take theanine in the evening because it is anxiolytic on the CNS (read: inhibits anxiety). Some use it to help with falling sleep and staying asleep (i use melatonin for this). However, theanine is good to take whenever encountering stressful situations per OP. Start out with 100 mg 2-3 times a day mixed with your flavored Water and work your way up to about 200 mg. it just works.

I have found theanine to be quite effective when combined with a smaller dose of caffeine when lifting by taking 25-50 mg caffeine 30-60 minutes before hand combined with 200 mg theanine. The theanine modulates or down regulates the stimulating effects of caffeine in order to provide a clean energy without jitter. It also helps minimize perceived effort of intense workouts. 200 mg of caffeine is about 1 strong cup of coffee.

Hope this helps.

[feedyoureye 3,087]

Looking up I-Theanine, it is also an umami source!... it is in the glutamine family...so I might add it to my Soup to improve the taste... ...

I can't tolerate caffein much at all... One thing I was hoping is when I get a caffein response from chocolate or black tea, or an accidental dose of coffee...the I-theanine might mitigate it....I just ordered some... so I will report back!