I don't typically cross-post between here and my blog, but I wrote this last night and thought it'd make for good discussion here too.

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The issue of weight and body image has been on my mind a lot lately. I guess it’s somewhat natural that it would be, but I truly didn’t appreciate how it would come into play every single day until I made the journey that I have.

Life is pretty good right now in the health and weight department. I’m down more than 130 lbs. from my peak, and I’m at a point where I feel healthy, am fitting into clothes that I could have worn 20 years ago, and all vitals are positive. My BMI is very close to “normal” (almost not even “overweight”!), my blood pressure is low, and I’m having few problems adjusting to my new diet. But the day-to-day living with this new version of myself is proving to be very different from what I expected. Not all good, not all bad. Just different.

A great case in point: I was in an elevator today, the kind with mirrored doors on the inside. I don’t spend an inordinate amount of time in front of mirrors, but this elevator kind of forces you to look at yourself. I checked myself out, even did a glimpse from the side, and thought, “You’ve still got more to lose there, buddy.” In case you’re wondering, there was no one else in the elevator.

Then the doors opened and I made my way to my desk. In the span of about 50 steps, literally, two people commented on my weight and how I’m looking good these days. It’s flattering; I get some kind of comment from someone daily, and it’s really nice. The kind words make me feel good. Hell, I think I thrive on them; I couldn’t have done this without the support of my friends.

But the disconnect between what I see and what others do troubles me. I’ve had two people recently tell me that I’m “slim.” I can’t see it. Can’t imagine it, really. When you’re fat for a long time, the notion of being slim is so foreign that they may as well have called me plaid. But words have meaning, and enough people have said it that I think they truly are perceiving it.

So, why am I unable to do so myself? Part is, I suspect, that this new body is still unknown to me. I lay in bed in the morning and feel my ribs as if I’ve never noticed them there before. I can feel their edge, the individual ribs, and if I suck in my stomach, I can almost reach under the curve of them. I’ve been working out a lot more and I step out of the shower to see something close to pecs forming in the mirror. Not to drag a cliche or movie into the mix, but it’s a little like Freaky Friday. I feel like the same person inside, but that guy in the mirror isn’t me. The fat cheeks are more or less gone. The skin around my waist and chest is no longer being pushed out by all that fat. And the change has been--most dramatically, anyway--since January. Four months. There are bottles of salad dressing that have been in my fridge longer than I’ve been living in this body.

The other part of my disconnect, I think, is our larger definition of people based on their looks. Without piling on the jackass from Abercrombie and Fitch who was in the news lately, we pigeonhole people. Marketers do it, sure, but we each all do it too, and shame on us if we can’t admit it. There are a lot of people who talk to Me 2.0 who probably wouldn’t have talked to Me 1.0 in the same way. It’s not that no one talked to me when I was fat...far from it. I’m an outgoing guy. But a lot more people are talking to me now. Friends, co-workers, employees at stores, people in line with me. Men, women, young and old. Attractive people, normal people, and attractive people. I may have mentioned attractive people. It’s noticeable, and more than a little weird.

I got to thinking: do I do that too now? I suppose I do, in a way. I certainly don’t think I’m a different person inside, but I’ve noticed overweight people a lot more than I did before, and I definitely notice people eating huge portions more than I ever did. I HATE this new enhanced vision I have. Mere months ago, I was the one ordering the combo plate and finishing it without a thought. Mere months ago, I was wearing size 54 pants. It’s ugly and it’s unhealthy to have this combination of constant self-criticism of myself, and what seems like a constant view that centers around obesity.

So, as I remind myself that I’m the same person inside, I think it’s a lesson for us all that the outside is really what society transforms us to see. We prize slimness, we eat a lot, we look down on people who are overweight. But it’s the inside that really counts, and finding peace and balance with who you are. I have the same moral compass I did at 362. I have the same big picture values.

Another step in the journey, I suppose, and one that I didn’t see coming.

I definitely can relate to your posting. I know people treat overweight people differently. About ten years ago I lost 140 lbs and was treated differently I was shown more respect from upper management but then the weight came back on and the attitude's changed again at work. So know after this surgery I'm having people notice me more comment etc upper management is noticing and respect is coming back. I'm in middle management. I just hope I don't do that I hope since I've been there that I don't judge people by appearance.

I still see my self large I know I have lost a lot. I am about. Midway thru my journey and have a lot to go. So hopefully the brain will process the new image of myself.

This is wonderful and NEEDS to be read by all. "Skinny on the outside and fat on the inside" seems to be a very common reality. I hazard to say it's a nearly unanimous reality!

Very interesting thanks for sharing your thoughts.

"Like"

I worry about this too. I worry that ill never really be happy with myself. I look at pictures from college, when I though I was fat, and I look so thin. Then I gained 100lbs between my 2 kids and this fat person I see in the mirror is exactly who I thought the "thin" version of me looked like.

Very well said and expresses pertinent emotions that so many of us deal with. I notice what other people eat, for sure, especially the size of their portions. I think what is the biggest obsession for me is noting the sometimes humongous portions of thin people, I look at it and think, "but that's not fair! You are eating fried fish and chips the size of your head and I know you don't work out, it's not fair that you aren't fat!"

One of the strangest phenomena for me now though is the reaction I get from very heavy people while we are all eating together. I sometimes feel this ... not resentment exactly, not hatred, but a kind of sullen something, like they think I am showing off my tiny portion or worse, that I am somehow trying to make them look bad on purpose. It's awkward. I also notice now just how much attention my very heavy friends give to their food and realize I was once just the same. I also notice all of the extras they add on, sweetened drinks with the meal, appetizers, sides, dessert ... I genuinely don't mean to be an ass and I think I hide it well but I watch all of this food, pounds and pounds of it, get eaten and it just makes me queasy - partly from the amount and partly because I know I was just the same. And inside, I feel like I am the same still...

I would agree that I am very aware of weight and food all around me, however I don't think I'm judging people by it. I make a very clear effort to never judge based on weight because I know exactly how that feels and how unfair it is. An as for food I am more aware for sure, and sometimes I think to myself I wish you could truly understand how much portion control plays a huge factor but I know that since they haven't been through this journey they really won't understand, but there's no judgement about it really, I fact sometimes I wish I could have just one more meal like that, where I could eat most of what's on my plate and really enjoy it, not that I want to go back because I am very happy with the choice I made to start this journey I just sometimes miss the not knowing and or caring about every bite I take. However I will say my own body image has been a huge struggle for me, I get complimented often and it's nice, makes me a bit uncomfortable but that's ok. But I to when I look in the mirror see someone else, and buying clothes has been. Huge challenge for me, I don't know how to dress as a normal sized person and it is very frustrating but all part of the journey I guess! Thanks for the read it was a nice was to start the day.

I definitely can relate to your posting. I know people treat overweight people differently. About ten years ago I lost 140 lbs and was treated differently I was shown more respect from upper management but then the weight came back on and the attitude's changed again at work. So know after this surgery I'm having people notice me more comment etc upper management is noticing and respect is coming back. I'm in middle management. I just hope I don't do that I hope since I've been there that I don't judge people by appearance.

I still see my self large I know I have lost a lot. I am about. Midway thru my journey and have a lot to go. So hopefully the brain will process the new image of myself.

Ive noticed the quite opposite. I do not to judge others on their appearance but I have friends who are also overweight and the things they say about thin people are really mean..."skinny bit**" (even though they do not know this person), or call someone anorexic just because they are thin or "real women have curves" sometimes adding "only a dog wants bones"...real women do not judge other women or call men dogs.

Thank you all.

I was called "svelte" today. And down the Rabbit Hole we go!

Yes Janice, that is what I was trying to say. I do not comment EVER, nor do I show what I am thinking regarding the portions etc., but I do now hear the reversal comments about the thin or average people and I see an almost perverse indulgence in terribly bad foods, not quite the level of that poor woman who wants to weight 1000 pounds, but still, knowing what they are doing and doing it anyway. But I never EVER say anything ever about it nor do I ever flaunt my new ways or talk about it at all unless asked.

JeffA70

Thank you. This was a great post. And I so agree.

This really resonated.

Perhaps TMI but recently during sex I caught sight of myself in the mirror and instantly started judging my floppy bits, the loose skin, the rolls. Fascinating that after losing 50 kilos I can still judge myself so harshly.

I, too, get compliments on almost a daily basis. I also get attention from men that I didn't get before though I am hopeful that is more about increased confidence and happiness than simply weight. Because it almost hurts to realise just what I looked like. I see photos from a year ago and can't quite believe that was me. I am shocked seeing just how fat I got. And I view the old me the same way I am now seeing other obese people. With shock, with interest, with some compassion but, sadly, with a dose of judgement too.

I notice how aware I become of what others are eating and I can see people as big as I was eating as I used to, mindlessly, unconsciously. It is troubling but I say nothing, I know there is nothing to say.

I went through a stage early one post surgery where watching people eat actually made me feel sick. Now it can make me sad.

Yes, LouiseC, ^ this exactly.

I am 10 lbs from goal and get lots of comments about how I'm fading away but I still see FAT. I can acknowledge that I am thinner but I still fee fat, yet I consciously know that I'm in a small size and that if my arse was as huge as I perceived that it wouldn't fit into the small pants but my mind doesn't see it yet. I'm hoping that it will soon catch up.

Fascinating and insightful post. It brings up so many issues we all are dealing with. The other day I caught sight of myself in a restroom mirror and literally didn't recognize myself for a moment. Then I laughed out loud like a crazy woman! Luckily I was alone in there! I've always tried not to be judgmental having been on the receiving end of so much negative judgement from others and from myself. I often fail miserably but I do try. I also look at food so differently than prior to my surgery and the portions that normal people eat seem ginormous! I too sometimes wish I could still eat like that! When I make dinner for my hubby or if we're eating out I have to bite my tongue about his food choices and portion size. I don't want to make him feel self conscious since he has always loved me and supported me regardless. So often in the past I got judged for my excess weight and how much I ate. I work in the performing arts too and the pressure and body image ideas have become so negative and extreme. Now that I am about half-way in my journey I hope I can be kind to myself and to others. Everyone has the right to live in their body and eat as they choose.

pre-surgery weight 325; surgery date 2/28/2013; surgery weight 307; 8 weeks past-op weight 281.4