Hello all,

I am approaching my 3rd surgiversary and this brings up a lot of emotions. First of all, I have yet to make it to goal, this is crushing and something I still very much want. I have been through a pretty tough year; since last April I have lost my job, broke up with my boyfriend, went on unemployment, had to have my gallbladder removed without insurance so racked up shocking medical debt, lost my Father suddenly, lost our home suddenly, at the same time as those two last events my Mother lost her job and is now a homeless penniless widow living in what used to be our home until the new owners arrive. I have deployed to a warzone now, and the IRS is coming after me for something I had no control over and was not my fault.

So, during all that, I have gained 30 lbs.

In the last week I have begun trying to return to post-op eating: severe calorie restriction/carb restriction etc. I am down 5 lbs in 6 days so, it must be working, but my frustration at having gained at all is terrible. I'm not a "normal" person when it comes to food and I need to understand and accept that. I have thought, "I would rather be eating" at some really inappropriate times. I also have realized that my mind had never really accepted that I wasn't a shockingly enormous person anymore; my interpersonal behavior is still suspiscious, resentful, timid, and easily crushed. I sometimes, even a year ago when I was the fittest I've ever been, would still physically behave as though I were morbidly obese; getting up from the floor, bracing a knee, even the way I put on my pants or sat in a chair, behaving as though there was a phantom suit of flesh around me. So, clearly, just because time has passed and the losses have been (mostly) made, doesn't mean one has fully grasped or come to terms with the state of things.

I worry/obsess over my need to complete my loss journey, I still have a solid 65 lbs to lose, 5'3" and 125 pounds is a reasonable goal to me, it is (sadly) in no way too thin ...

I worry about my metabolism, the slowness with which I lose weight, there is a thread in here about losing too much weight, I know it's a legitimate problem for some people but puh-lease! If only! Champagne problems imho ...

Breakfast today - Protein shake

lunch - baked fish

dinner - chicken breast, veggie medley

snack - Jerky

So here I am, flawed, trying, a little depressed, a little hopeless, but still with a flickering flame ...

First thing that popped into my head was that I would have gained 100lbs with a year like u have had so congratulations on having your sleeve to help you out over this hell year you have just gone through.

Now that u have recognized thw issue and obviously u are a strong person so pull up yourself by the bootstraps and start some muscle building. It will help u deal with the stress and you will increase you metabolism. Continue your eating plan and you will be just fine.

Keep your head up and keep on fighting the good fight. You have been through a lot, lets hope the worst of it has passed. Good luck to you.

GT - I share the same frustration over gaining any amount of weight back, and I have nothing to blame except myself. I'm sorry you had such an awful year and when things like what you have had to deal with crop up, there definitely is the tendancy to "chuck" the rules out the window and go into survival mode.

I think what you said about acting as if you were still obese, that is interesting. I wonder how many of us do that, and for how long? I struggling with a 15-19lb regain, and I've lost about -9lbs of my regain, but again have stalled. Somedays it feels like a constant guessing game, because the normal "try more water" I already drink a ton, "reduce carbs" I do between 30-100 on any given day, etc., just doesn't always work the further out you get.

We are here for you, and I too have come to the realization that this is going to be a daily battle, and I will never be "done" and that I will never be THAT person that can just "eat whatever I want"...

As for the amount left you have to lose. Even though 125 may be "ideal" you need to find out what works for YOU. I've already decided that I'm not going to have the "ideal" weight. My final goal will be about 30lbs heavier than "ideal" and I am perfectly ok with that. So I'm not telling you want you should weigh, but I'm telling you to figure out where your happy place is and go for that.

Oh one last thing...congrats on rededicating yourself...I'm right there with you...not always an easy battle!

I hope you keep coming here for support.

The hard cold truth about maintenance is that life still happens - the good and bad. That is a crudload of stressful things to hit you and I know many of us (me included!) have a life time of gaining weight after those sorts of events.

I hope you DON'T somehow feel bad about yourself because you are having a normal, human response to these "life sometimes sucks" moments.

I hope you ARE proud of yourself for picking yourself up and getting back on track and taking care of yourself.

I am only 3 months into my maintenance phase ... I have been thinking alot about how from here on out - controlling my weight is less and less about the surgery and more about me. (hey, even the losing took alot of effort from me, but as time goes on it becomes even more so)

Crap.

Globetrotter, after a year like yours, if you haven't already seen a therapist, I strongly recommend it. Even a session or two can make a tremendous difference.

I agree with MG2, goal weight for each of us is very personal. Maybe your happy weight will be more than 125.

For me, maintaining my weight means being vigilant about what I eat, how much I exercise, and how much I weigh. I still weigh my food and weigh myself daily.

After a year in maintenance, I know that it's on us to keep the weight off. I'll be two years out in May, so I'm a year behind you. One of the reasons I stay on this board is to remain mindful of what I eat, how far I've come, and how hard I've worked to get here. Even with your regain, you are miles ahead of where you started!

As for adjusting to a new size, I have consciously worked on that. At first, I had to remind myself to stand differently, walk differently, move differently, and dress differently. It has gotten easier for me, but I'm still shocked sometimes when I see my clothes or catch a reflection in a mirror.

Lynda

Congrats on three years, and it's good to see you around again, GlobeTrotter!

The year you're talking about is one that would crush just about anyone - being unforgiving of yourself for gaining weight in times of extreme stress or for coping the way you've done your entire life is unfair. Many of us might expect one or two or even three hurdles or life-changing events in a year but to have them repeatedly knock you down would take it's toll on anyone.

Regain is hard. I think you need to be more active here so you can keep some type of support around you - people that understand what a beast maintenance can be and what life is like at or near goal. Do not just slink away with your thirty pounds and hide in a corner - stick around and let other people with similar struggles support you.

I think that the habits of living and even feeling like an obese person stick around much like the food habits do. It takes effort and attention to correct those thoughts and behaviors, and expecting to be a totally normal person after just three years when it took years and years to build those habits up isn't reasonable.

And honestly, in some instances, we never become normal. We're much like recovering addicts that control our behavior until better habits replace the old ones and hopefully, those will eventually become the instinctive response. I'll always have to watch myself around foods that set me off. I have to weigh daily because the old habit of slipping into denial about my size or weight will creep back in otherwise. I will never know exactly what it's like to be a woman that never struggled with her weight, her emotions or her body image, because that's not the path I took to get here.

I do think that you need to relax about the scale goal. It's easy for me to say, I know. But my opinion is that you should take this regain five pounds at a time and work your way downward slowly. Find that point you can maintain without beating yourself up to do it, without having to track every single bite and without making yourself feel stressed out. I'm 5'1" (and a tiny extra) tall and while I'd love to be in the 120s my body just likes the high 130s better. I can either make myself nuts trying to fight to and stay in the 120s or I can relax, be happy and be ten pounds heavier. I'm happier without the fight. It took a while to realize I wasn't a failure or that I hadn't sold myself short when I adjusted my goal weight upward. But the reality is that this is not about reaching a certain weight. It's about being able to maintain it, and happily, for life. Be fair to yourself and try to avoid setting a goal that will make you unhappy...goal is supposed to be happy, not challenging.

You've done a really amazing job. Like coops you have struggled to lose and find what works for your body. I know you've had a particularly hard time finding a diet that will work for you, especially one that you can maintain and feel good about.

Try to focus more on the positives of the last three years than on the negatives. Take this slowly and work on what's going on in your head. It's easy (okay, easier) to shave our calories and carbs down to almost nothing and lose. It's working on why we regain, why we feel the way we do, why we have the relationship with food we have and how to be happy that's difficult. And how will you keep those pounds off if you don't find a good place to do it from? We'll always want to revert back to those old habits that made us obese in times of stress. You need a stronger foundation to stand on if you want to weather this for life.

In the meantime, be nice to yourself. You've been through an exceptionally terrible year and stress alone would have packed pounds on to you in these circumstances.

Best,

~Cheri

So sorry for the past year, wow. You should be proud of yourself for not gaining more weight! Geez 30lbs, you know how many people would have gained 50+! The emotional roller coaster can cause so much havoc on your body, stay positive and hopefully from here on out, your life will be full of love, laughter and happiness.

Thank you everyone for your insightful compassionate words of wisdom and encouragement, <3.

The majority of the trauma has happened since January, one thing right after another, without the opportunity to take a breath, gather my strength, or find hope. It has seriiously been some horrific devastation every few weeks, unceasing, since January. My gallbladder, 2 weeks later my father, a week later I left and my Mom had to sell, , few weeks later I deploy, 2 weeks later the IRS, now the scariness of what's happening here ... I don't want to be a victim, I want to rise to every challenge but ENOUGH WITH THE FU**!NG CHALLENGES ALREADY! enough, universe, enough.

I'm starting to wonder, do any of us actually know how to lose weight? It doesn't seem reasonable that the only way I'm going to lose a significant amount of weight is by eating 600 calories a day, by starving myself basically. That makes me angry, I am angry! With every advance in science and all these damn doctors telling us what to do, nobody actually seems to have a clue as to how to lose weight that doesn't involve some gimmick. I want to know how many calories and activity per day a naturally skinny person does, a person who makes a point of exercising and eating healthfully but doesn't track either.

Sorry, rant.

I have weighed 125 before, I have memories of what I felt like at that weight and I liked it, I was at my most athletic, my fastest at that weight. Since surgery the lowest I got was 165 and I was very very strong from constantly exercising and strength training and I felt awesome. The floppy flesh and skin was awkward and solidified my decision to someday have plastics. My Mother and Grandmothers at this age were curvacious but not fat, judging from photos I would say that they were all somewhere in the low 130s, the g-mothers were shorter by a few inches, Mom taller by a half inch.

The desire for carbs is overwhelming, I was doing so good yesterday, and then I was cramming plain tortilla chips (super salty) into my mouth like it would save the world. v.v

Also (tmi alert) I realized that one of the justifications for reintroducing carbs was that staying extremely low carb results in ... painful attempts at BMs, resulting in overuse of MoM or other things. But I noticed that a cheap carb got things moving nicely ... so, now that I am back on high Protein low carb (attempting anyway), I have noticed it reverting, not fun ...

In answer to someone who suggested I see a therapist, I would love to see a therapist but someone equipped to handle our issues, doesn't exist here. When it comes to weight the army is still very much into the blame game and not interested in exploring the reasons behind the results.

So far today, 4 oz egg white/ham/cheese omelet, coffee w 1%, sf torani. lunch will be tuna if I can find it, dinner, a chicken breast if I'm lucky. snack, jerky.

I have weighed 125 before' date=' I have memories of what I felt like at that weight and I liked it, I was at my most athletic, my fastest at that weight. Since surgery the lowest I got was 165 and I was very very strong from constantly exercising and strength training and I felt awesome. [/quote']

This seems to be you answering yourself on what to do instead of starving yourself. Also adding Fiber like benefiber or fiber gummies to yoir routine will help with the the BM's.

Taura bird - no not really. that 125 was when I was a teenager, a completely and utterly different ball of wax from being a woman in her early 30's. Besides, this is not really the focus of my concerns/fears/anxieties voiced here. There are a lot of layers going on here, a lot of pain and fear and confusion, and the easy answer of "you know what to do so go do it" isn't going to answer the mail for me right now. One can know something academically and still struggle in reality.

Taura bird - no not really. that 125 was when I was a teenager' date=' a completely and utterly different ball of wax from being a woman in her early 30's. Besides, this is not really the focus of my concerns/fears/anxieties voiced here. There are a lot of layers going on here, a lot of pain and fear and confusion, and the easy answer of "you know what to do so go do it" isn't going to answer the mail for me right now. One can know something academically and still struggle in reality.[/quote']

Sorry that came off bad, I meant when u were feeling super strong at 165.

Globetrotter, I came across this chart for women which disregards the usual BMI weights but charts weight relevant to age. I am a mature lady and I am going to use this chart as I do not expect to be the same weight as I was when a teenager. I am still a work in progress.

Thanks UK, that chart does still show me topping out at 131 lbs, which would be fine by me.

When it comes to weight the army is still very much into the blame game and not interested in exploring the reasons behind the results.

No joke, right? Even as a spouse this is true - every medical issue I had prior to losing weight the answer was always take a Motrin, drink a glass of Water and lose 50 pounds and you'll feel better. Um, I have screws in my leg and would like physical therapy, and losing weight is the answer? YES. Losing weight by consuming less calories is the standard military answer to EVERYTHING. Take a nutrition class and see a dietitian and your problems will be solved and if they aren't, you're just not trying hard enough, right?

And let us not pretend that we can so freely access mental health services anyway. Oh, the opportunity is there...and will follow you around forever unless it's a specifically protected reason for seeking therapy (PTSD or sexual assault, for instance) because if I, as a spouse, seek therapy for, say, postpartum depression and my counselor were to say that I need ongoing therapy, that could (and likely would) interfere with my husband's ability to work in his field or take an assignment overseas. I've seen it happen and it can destroy a career. Today, in this day and age, it's still a sign of weakness when working with or around the military to get support through mental health services, or to take a medication that will help depression.

Sorry to hijack your thread with a rant. This is a very real issue though, and I understand your inability to really seek out good care. We were just in Kyrgyzstan (at the Embassy) and Manas Air Transit Center doesn't really offer much, either, and it's considered a really cushy deployment site.

In any case, try hopping onto one of the food accountability threads and posting daily or getting into a challenge group (or starting your own) so that you can tackle this challenge and get to goal with some measure of support. Perhaps making the challenge as fun as possible will help.

It sucks that we can't lose weight as easily as other people. But we're not alone. There are so many obese people in America right now beating themselves up because that standard 1200 calorie deficit diet and some exercise aren't doing the trick. Medical science knows next to nothing about why we're obese and how to fix the problem. Until then, we work with what we've got, and frustrating as it can be, the sleeve is a hell of a lot better tool than most people get to work with.

~Cheri

Day 7 of the low cal/carb thing and if I am beig brutally honest, my perfect diet, the one I put into my tracker, IS adhered to, until after the gym, then the gloves come off and I scarf down a mini bag of mini choc chip cookies, or several mini reeses (those little FU**ERS!!) or a to-go thing of peanut butter, thereby royally annihilating my carb score for the day. WTF, noooo! I don't want to do this! I don't want to be so weak! Am I an addict who can't stop?? Am I no better than a crackhead? I wanted to eat post-op style, but truth be told, in the last 7 days I don't think I have managed to eat less than 750 calories. v_v.