Hello all,

I am approaching my 3rd surgiversary and this brings up a lot of emotions. First of all, I have yet to make it to goal, this is crushing and something I still very much want. I have been through a pretty tough year; since last April I have lost my job, broke up with my boyfriend, went on unemployment, had to have my gallbladder removed without insurance so racked up shocking medical debt, lost my Father suddenly, lost our home suddenly, at the same time as those two last events my Mother lost her job and is now a homeless penniless widow living in what used to be our home until the new owners arrive. I have deployed to a warzone now, and the IRS is coming after me for something I had no control over and was not my fault.

So, during all that, I have gained 30 lbs.

In the last week I have begun trying to return to post-op eating: severe calorie restriction/carb restriction etc. I am down 5 lbs in 6 days so, it must be working, but my frustration at having gained at all is terrible. I'm not a "normal" person when it comes to food and I need to understand and accept that. I have thought, "I would rather be eating" at some really inappropriate times. I also have realized that my mind had never really accepted that I wasn't a shockingly enormous person anymore; my interpersonal behavior is still suspiscious, resentful, timid, and easily crushed. I sometimes, even a year ago when I was the fittest I've ever been, would still physically behave as though I were morbidly obese; getting up from the floor, bracing a knee, even the way I put on my pants or sat in a chair, behaving as though there was a phantom suit of flesh around me. So, clearly, just because time has passed and the losses have been (mostly) made, doesn't mean one has fully grasped or come to terms with the state of things.

I worry/obsess over my need to complete my loss journey, I still have a solid 65 lbs to lose, 5'3" and 125 pounds is a reasonable goal to me, it is (sadly) in no way too thin ...

I worry about my metabolism, the slowness with which I lose weight, there is a thread in here about losing too much weight, I know it's a legitimate problem for some people but puh-lease! If only! Champagne problems imho ...

Breakfast today - Protein shake

lunch - baked fish

dinner - chicken breast, veggie medley

snack - Jerky

So here I am, flawed, trying, a little depressed, a little hopeless, but still with a flickering flame ...

...

That's me giving you the blank stare.

750 calories???!!! You're three years out, woman! Cut yourself a little slack, okay? I know you're one of the folks that has always needed a ridiculously low number of calories/carbs but that's so low you're bound to feel a bit peckish, especially after a workout.

You know why we can eat post op style for six months post op? Because our stomachs are crazy small and swollen! Because it's hard to eat. Three years out? Not so much!

Adjust something because you might need more fats in your diet, based upon the foods you're heading to after a workout. Did you ever find a Protein shake you like? Down it immediately post op and see if that curbs the weakness. Perhaps a Peanut Butter and chocolate one would do the trick? Let yourself eat back at least some of your workout calories.

Ever heard of sludge? The bodybuilder trick of mixing a Tbs. of peanut butter (one Tbs. will NOT kill you!) with a scoop of chocolate Protein powder and enough Water to make a sludge? In the early days when I could hardly eat but needed more protein (and something sweet) I'd make this and eat it with a spoon after a workout. Sounds creepy but it was oddly satisfying. Of course, I never made it with peanut butter, since I hate peanut butter, but you get the picture.

Keep working at it. Balance - you're looking for balance. That place where you can forgive yourself and where you acknowledge all you're doing right at the same time that you keep trying to improve.

~Cheri

Thank you Cheri, youre words are helping so much. The big difficulty for me is that yeah, at 3 years out I can eat a lot more, and maybe should, but I am still trying to lose weight, a lot of weight. If I were at goal or in maintenance it would be a lot easier to focus on balance, but with 50 lbs still to lose, 30 of which is regain, I still need to be pretty strict/severe with my diet.

I will try the sludge tonight after the gym, there was also an incredibly informative thread going on in the research tab about plateus and carbs etc. I will be incorporating that info in as well. Last night I did 12 min treadmill, 12 min elliptical, 7 min stairstepper, keeping my heartrate above 140, then lifted some weights and did a round of yoga downward dogs and crunches. Dinner after that was a few bites of turkey patty, a few bites of cornish hen ... and 2 shortbread cookies v_v. I am craving salt right now like it's my j.o.b. I lost a pound a day for 5 days, then nothing for the last 7 days. I need to increase my water and reduce my sodium and carbs.

I'm starting to wonder, do any of us actually know how to lose weight? It doesn't seem reasonable that the only way I'm going to lose a significant amount of weight is by eating 600 calories a day, by starving myself basically. That makes me angry, I am angry! With every advance in science and all these damn doctors telling us what to do, nobody actually seems to have a clue as to how to lose weight that doesn't involve some gimmick. I want to know how many calories and activity per day a naturally skinny person does, a person who makes a point of exercising and eating healthfully but doesn't track either.

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OMG I struggle with this quite a lot. The anger. HOW in the heck can I eat 1,200 OR less and only maintain my weight. I do not understand the science of the metabolically altered body after surgery and sometimes it just ticks me off. But then the little angel on my shoulder says "this is what you signed up for, deal with it, and deal with it gracefully." And then when I put 3.5 oz of chicken on my plate and FEEL FULL I'm eternally grateful. lol Such a push and pull. Just wanted to say that I struggle with this too.

I feel ALL of your pain! I think we tend to be extra hard on ourselves simply from the fact that we DID have WLS. My daughter, who has never been overweight, said, "Geez, Mom, give yourself a break and enjoy life! You look great! Lighten up!" I think maybe as M2G and I have said before the metabolically altered body (and it IS altered) makes it extremely difficult for the long haul if we ever allow ourselves to regain because truthfully, we DO have to eat less calories than others to simply maintain where we are, much less lose. I LIKE THAT UK chart! But, um, I would be allowed up to 196 at my height and age! lol That ISN'T even entering into my subconcsious! ha!

Hey, I would have zero problem with staying low cal, provided I could ACTUALLY GET TO FRICKIN GOAL! My frustration stems from staying at starvation levels of calories, exercising like a fiend, and still not having made it to goal. It took me 6 effing months to go from 183 to 167, and that was staying low carb low cal, and exercising like I was training for an ironman competition. I mean, by any standard, 6 months to lose 16 pounds is pathetic and downright alarming considering the effort I was putting in. And considering how short I am (5'3") even 167 is still overweight by a good 35 lbs. GRRRRRR.

I know... it just seems ridiculous sometimes! Thank goodness for the sleeve. I feel like I stand a chance with the sleeve in my toolbox.... and the fitbit and my dance teacher, the gym, and myfitnesspal...and a support system... and my sheer willpower? ...sometimes I think thats the smallest thing in my toolbox!

Okay, what did we used to call those "non pounds loss" happy things that happened to us? Was it NSV(non sleeve victory)? can't remember, but I've had SEVERAL today!

We had a focus group meeting in my office of several Financial Advisors from around the state that I have worked with over the past many years but whom many have not seen me in a couple/several years. I had not one, not two but at least three of them single me out over the course of the 4 hour meeting and tell me how "wonderful" I looked and how much had I lost and how long, etc?

FIRST, it made me realize - You know what? I HAVE accomplished a lot and I AM almost three years out! When I told one who asked when did you lose it, "Three years!" And it HIT ME! It's been three years!!! THREE YEARS!!! That made me feel really good!

Just to have the affirmation again of a "job well done" and a huge accomplishment meant a great deal to me today. Not bragging, simply stating that perhaps we need to "lighten up" on ourselves some and see what others see. A real change in who we are and what we have accomplished. It surely opened my eyes today.

And then... I went and ate 3, YES THREE, donuts. Oh well, its back to low carb.. ))

We've got this, Pals!!!!!!

Effing awesome nannie!! The analyst part of me (professional hazard, sorry) is fascinated though that, to Celebrate your success in abstaining from old behaviors, you indulged in 3 donuts. This is not a judgement of you by any means, I am fascinated because I would have done the SAME thing. Why is this ... if we look at it in terms like alcoholics, why would we celebrate our sobriety by having a drink? Yet, we do ... man this is one complex journey. We are the only group of addicts on the planet that are required to partake of our addiction in order to live! Booze or drugs are not necessary for survival but nutrition is, so this requires even more delicate navigation imo, than substance abuse.

I have stayed low cal/low carb/ high exercise for 2 weeks now, first 5 days I lost 5 lbs, then went up 2 lbs and have stayed there.

Any ideas what is going on? Trying to cut out the salt but man alive I'm craving it! Trying to drink more Water.

I have always disagreed with the super-low-cal approach, I think it makes your metabolism fall through the floor. I also think overexercising can have a negative impact, particularly too much cardio of a certain kind/intensity. Have you read any of the newer research out there about eating more calories (of a healthy kind of course lol) to keep your metabolism up, doing strength training to support your metabolism, and doing only periodic hard cardio in limited amounts? It's all very interesting. It's what I've done, even though I didn't plan it that way, and it's worked out well for me (so far at least, 27 months out...). I do think, for whatever it's worth, that hating on yourself and being SO hard and negative toward yourself, is never going to help. Hating your body and seeing it as the enemy to be conquered...I just can't see that being productive in any way -- perhaps even in a real physical way. Without seeing a therapist (I understand the stigma potential in your situation), maybe try reframing your thoughts and beliefs about yourself in a more positive way. Pretend you are a person you totally love and treat yourself accordingly, especially emotionally and mentally. I'm not talking positive thinking of the affirmation kind, I'm talking retraining your brain to go in different directions than it has done.

Anyhow -- my very best to you, GT. I hope you find your center again soon. <3

Globetrotter, I am sorry for all of the obstacles you've had this last year, the losses in your life would be overwhelming to anyone. And, the fact that you gained weight makes sense. I applaud you for getting back on the wagon.

I wonder if as far as your body is concerned it's like you are starting over - as in, lose some weight initially and then quickly face a long stall. What got us all through that horrendous stall after surgery is that we had little choice and it was likely the time of our highest motivation. And from what I have read you are someone who historically has had a difficult time with loss due to your specific body being resistant. I think even if you make all the right decisions it sounds like you will lose and then stall. I know that after surgery I stalled for a month on 500 calories with plenty of exercise and not a morsel of "cheating". Of course, if that happened three years out I would be pretty stressed, due to having the capacity to eat more and likely feeling very deprived. That six month period where you lost 18 lbs must have required incredible effort.

I think Cheri is right about the Protein after the workout. It won't taste nearly as good as the Reese's cups but it will give your body what you need - protein and (if you add the peanut butter) some limited carbs and some fat. Fat makes your body digest food more slowly. Any time you eat, it is helpful to have a bit of fat with the meal to increase satiety. I have had a problem with hunger since surgery, it never went away whatsoever. At three years out I don't remember what you said exactly about your hunger as opposed to cravings, but eating some fat with each meal does decrease motility thereby keeping food in your stomach longer. Worth a try?

For your salt craving, I wonder if you have a nutritional deficiency. Maybe you could research online common nutritional deficiencies that present as salt cravings? I think it happens.

The other thing is, as you know the more you expose yourself to processed foods, carbs, and fats the more you crave them. I've been reading "Salt, Sugar, Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us" and it's been very interesting. In the foods created by the industry, they research the "bliss point" which will entice people to eat essentially regardless of their hunger. It's a very interesting read and I recommend it for anyone interested in the tactics and science behind the food industry's role in essentially encouraging the obesity epidemic.

I'm not accusing you of eating crap - don't get me wrong. It's just that you are describing craving foods that you probably don't want to eat as you are losing and I identify with that. I had a huge problem with this as well. I went so far as to chew chips and spit them out - I had to ask that chips not be kept in the house at that time as I could not control myself around them! I don't think that is an option if you are deployed and eating communally though.

Did you do the pre-op diet? When I did I went through withdrawal from sugars and carbs. I think it was the worst week of my life. Once I got through the withdrawal it got easier. Then, at about six months I had a few bites of birthday cake and the carb monster returned. For me, even just a tiny exposure creates tremendous uncontrollable cravings. I have to be an all or nothing person. Perhaps going through the withdrawal would be (hellish!) useful?

My other tactic had been to completely fill my tiny tummy with healthy food so that I literally did not have room for the foods I was trying to avoid. Protein, blah blah, is what it felt like. And that worked but perhaps at three years the stomach has relaxed sufficiently that it would no longer work. At one year out I can do it, but haven't been lately.

As far as constipation goes, you are right. During my loss phase I had horrendous constipation (ended up at the ER once!! Talk about embarrassing). Once I switched to maintenance and started eating more varied foods the situation improved drastically. I went from using MOM almost daily to maybe once every few weeks. I think it's the fats that make the difference for me. I am about to start eating differently for the next year as I train for a competition where I need to put on a lot of muscle and keep my fat low. And that means... Lots of protein, a fair dose of healthy carbs, but not very much fat. So I greatly fear I am headed right back to the same problems. I totally get your reticence to go back to dealing with the severe constipation. I was told by my PCP that using MOM regularly wasn't ideal, that he recommended using Miralax, even a double dose daily - but it just didn't work as well. I also took Fiber gummies. I avoid Iron in my Vitamins at all costs as that will surely lead to severe issues and a trip to the ER for the constipation no matter what I do. I imagine you have your routine down.

I am basically throwing out various ideas that have helped me or that seem relevant. Some or none may be of interest to you. As a long time vet, you are possibly aware of and have recently considered everything I mention. But I wanted to take the time and make the effort to suggest what came to mind. Your solution is different than mine as your body is different and more resistant to loss. Your recommitment is admirable particularly given all that you have going on and I wish you the best of luck.

Mary

Mary, you might enjoy reading this:

http://www.amazon.com/The-End-Overeating-Insatiable-American/dp/B004NSVE32/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1367592678&sr=8-1&keywords=david+kessler

It sounds like a similar book to what you described. It's eye-opening that is for sure!

Mary' date=' you might enjoy reading this:

http://www.amazon.com/The-End-Overeating-Insatiable-American/dp/B004NSVE32/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1367592678&sr=8-1&keywords=david+kessler

It sounds like a similar book to what you described. It's eye-opening that is for sure!

Thanks for the tip! I will get it.

Wow u have had some highly stressful events come up for u. Shoot when I get an emotional day I will also eat the wrong foods. I bet myself up when I eat till I get really full or I eat when I'm not hungry. I recently went on vacation and gained 8 lbs and I'm trying to lose it. My cousin has and still is in the hospital with 3 rumors that are cancerous and I can see myself eating

You too are one of my heroes. With all ur struggles, ur stepping it up and refocusing. CONGRATS! I am sooooo proud of u!

Globetrotter, we must have a similar surgery date--I'm almost at 3 years too. I know you have struggled, but I must say from your photo, you look awesome.

Lisalu - if only that photo were accurate! That photo was taken exactly one year ago - when I was working out 2 hours a day, 6 days a week, and dancing in workshops almost every wknd. Shortly after that blue dress photo was taken my world took many devastating turns and, a year later, I'm 25 lbs heavier and soft as a veal.

5 weeks ago I recommitted myself to fitness and nutrition, weights cardio severe calorie restriction, low carbs, and it did nothing. So I tried this IIFYM thing, upping my calories and protein and carbs too but still keeping them moderate, and still nothing. No, I take that back - I'm UP 5 pounds. So, pretty bummed.