Okay, here's the story. My DH has been friends with a certain Mr. P for over 40 years. Mr. P married a woman 14 years older than himself and they have been wed for 35+ years. He is a wonderful husband. Several years ago, Mrs. P developed Parkinson's Disease, which gets progressively worse as time goes on and ravages not only the body, but the mind, as well.

Mrs. P cannot be left alone, so for the last couple of years, Mr P has engaged the services of a caretaker on a daily basis. The caretaker is a nice lady - long since divorced and reasonably attractive.

Mr P feels that the time is very near when he must consider putting his wife in a nursing home. He gets little rest at night, due to her erratic sleep patterns and basically has no life of his own, other than getting out during the day when the caretaker is on duty.

The doctors and the nursing home Mr P is considering have told him that Mrs P is "no longer his wife". I have a problem with that.

To further muddy the waters, Mr P made the remark to my DH recently that he and the caretaker would probably "end up together", whatever that means.

Here is my dilemma. I told my DH this morning that when Mr P puts his wife away, we should invite him out to dinner, etc so that he does not get mired down in grief and guilt. Unless, I said, it includes L (the caretaker). I would never judge Mr P, but I am not prepared to socialize with him and his "girlfriend", knowing he has a wife in a nursing home.

My DH is very upset with my stance. He said that Mr P has been too good a friend for too long and he cannot refuse to go out to dinner with him, just because he wants to bring L along.

I believe in "until death do us part". I believe, as much as I like Mr P, that a sexual relationship with L would be adultery. I would never "preach" at him or against him for making that choice, but I am not comfortable with endorsing it.

My DH could go out with them alone, but eventually he would have to explain my continued absence. He doesn't want to have to do that. He wants me to go along "for him" and be pleasant and keep my mouth shut.

What do ya'll think?

Mr. P. stated that he thought he would "eventually" end up with the caregiver. You "assumeed" that this meant the minute the wife was institutionalized, Mr. P. and the caregiver would enter a sexual relationship. Are you sure they're not already in one?

Since the caregiver has to stay with Mrs. P., why don't you invite Mr. P. to come over to your house for breakfast or lunch so you can talk WITH him and discuss things in general. Frequently, this often leads to more in-depth discussions. Based on THAT meeting and conversation, you'll be better prepared to make a decision that does not conflict with your thics and morality.

I wonder what Mrs P would do if it were an about face and Mr P was the one with the illness??:ohwell:

I think Mr P may be going to the dry cleaners, but that may be just where he belongs for deserting his wife at this stage in her life.

Mr. P. stated that he thought he would "eventually" end up with the caregiver. You "assumeed" that this meant the minute the wife was institutionalized, Mr. P. and the caregiver would enter a sexual relationship. Are you sure they're not already in one?

I've wondered the same thing, but my gut feeling is "no". Not unless she (the caregiver) initiated it. Mr P really is a wonderful husband. My DH says that Mrs P is the only woman he has ever been with. He was about 20 years old when they met. It's a real love story.

He grew up in NY and joined the Air Force right out of high school (mid 60's and he didn't want to be drafted). He was stationed in AZ. She was a divorcee in her mid 30's. He was smitten from the very first. He spent every minute he could with her, then his enlistment was up. He went back to NY, just as he had promised his parents. He was an only child and they expected him to come work for the family business. But he was miserable. He got on a plane and flew back to AZ. She had no idea he was coming. He took a cab from the airport, straight to her house. She said, "What are you doing here?"

He said, "I came to marry you." And he did.

I don't know enough about parkinson's I guess. I thought it was a body thing as opposed to brain (cognitive) thing.

Parkinson’s is a disease of the central nervous system. PD affects movement, both voluntary and involuntary. Other symptoms may include:

Depression

Mood disturbances

Apathy

Impulse control

Dementia

Memory loss

sleep disturbance

Impaired vision

Dizziness

Pain

Oily skin

Urinary incontinence

Constipation

Sexual dysfunction

While you should not encourage any relationship between your friend and the caretaker, unless they ask to sleep over and share the same bed in your home, you should leave judgment to a higher authority.

sounds like a soap opera.....as the plot thickens. Sorry I didn't mean to make light of such a serious problem. Life isn't easy.....I don't inow what I would do if I was in this situation. Why did the millionaire marry a much older person? First or second marriages?

sounds like a soap opera.....as the plot thickens. Sorry I didn't mean to make light of such a serious problem. Life isn't easy.....I don't inow what I would do if I was in this situation. Why did the millionaire marry a much older person? First or second marriages?

First marriage for him, second for her. My DH says Mrs P is the only woman he (Mr P) has ever known intimately. He married her because he loved her deeply and felt that he would never be happy without her.

He was far from a millionaire when he married her. He was an A&P (airline) mechanic for many years. His parents died several years ago and left him lots of money, property, tax-free bonds, stock, etc. They were very frugal people who had worked and saved all their lives. Then he contracted Hepatitis C from a surgical center who had employed a druggie nurse with previous offenses. (What ever happened to background checks?) The nurse was injecting himself with pain killers, then using the needle to refill the bottle with saline. The lawsuit was settled out of court for over a million.

Mr P, by the way, is fortunate to have responded well to treatment for the Hep C. He has never developed symptoms and has "cleared" the virus, even though it is still detectable via blood tests.

While you should not encourage any relationship between your friend and the caretaker, unless they ask to sleep over and share the same bed in your home, you should leave judgment to a higher authority.

Thanks...that was really helpful.

Carlene, I understand what you mean regarding the questionable "caregiver" and her actions. I believe there are many manipulative people out there, especially when the husband is lonely.

My friend's parents who are about 80 years old now. They retired when they were 65. A month later, her mother had a major stroke. She never recovered and is in a nursing home now for 15 years (doesn't talk, walk, and can't feed herself). 10 years ago her father began seeing a lady. They now live together, even though they have seperate homes. He will never divorce his wife. He visits her, without fail, every day. Their children accept he relationship and understand their father actions. They want him to be happy.

This relationship, that you are speaking of, has a different slant. The caregiver is in the families home. They probably already have a relationship. This is disrespectful to his wife. I'm sure that he is lonely and sad.

Maybe just pretend that you don't know anything about the relationship with the caregiver. Invite him to dinner. If it comes up then, mention that he should take the time to get know this woman, before committing to the relationship. Sort of...give yourself some time to regroup.

You're a good friend. Shawn

Mrs. P has suffered a fall, which resulted in a broken pelvis. She will spend 3 days in the hospital, then be transferred (permanently) to a very nice nursing home.

That was Monday. Last night, Mr. P and the care-giver went out to dinner - a restaurant where Mr and Mrs P used to be greeted warmly as "regulars".

Perhaps I am too quick to judge, but I think these two could be just a tad more discreet.

This morning my DH had breakfast with Mr P. He mentioned a mutual friend of theirs whose wife died a year or so ago. "Death isn't always such a bad thing," said Mr P. There is an 800 pound elephant in the room. It's name is Nancy.

Sorry to hear about Mrs P's fall. That just sucks! I feel for you in your situation, it would make me uncomfortable as well.

It amazes me how we, through no fault of our own, can be "dismissed" by those who vowed "until death do us part".

Carol

I want to confess something here in hopes it will help. We can never get "inside" someone else's brain or understand their feelings, but here I go.

A year before my Dad died he started going downhill. It was little things I noticed. I lived 25 miles away. He lived alone and had a steady girlfriend. Not sure what their relationship was all about.

Anyway, I would go down every week and do grocery shopping with him, clean the house, etc. I worked a full job, traveled lots, had an active social life, etc. I did my part to make him happy and to take care of him. He wouldn't let me have a cleaning service come in, he wouldn't move in with me, and generally didn't make it easy.

As he got worse it became more unbearable for me. I called everyday, usually twice. If it was a good day then I felt better and relieved, but if it was a bad day I worried myself sick. I found a brand new independent and assisted living facility nearer to my home. I took Dad to the sample apartments and he seemed intrigued. We got him on the list and he started selling his tools and things. He was getting worse. I was growing tired and emotionaly not in a good place. The strain of taking care of a elder parent was draining.

When it came time to finalized the apartment he refused. He wanted to stay at his home. I was at my wits end. Its hard forcing your parent to do something they don't want to do. I didn't. FInally I needed surgery and I sent my Dad to stay with my sister in Baltimore. I knew when I put him on the plane that would be the last time I saw him. He died 6 weeks later of natural causes, even though I blamed my sister.

I felt relief. Relief that he wouldn't suffer anymore, relief that I wouldn't have to cope with the situation, relief that we wouldn't have to watch him go downhill, relief that I wouldn't have to force him to do or live somewhere he didn't want to.

Now does that make me a bad person? Is Mr. P a bad person, or ready to jump the bones of the caretaker, just because he stated that sometimes death is not a bad thing?

I know Carlene that you took care of your dying husband. Some of us are not as strong as you. It doesn't mean we loved our loved ones any less. Sorry for being so long in this post. This whole situation hits a raw nerve in me. Its not as easy always as we sometimes make our decisions seem.

That Mr. P has always loved Mrs. P is not in question, neither that he has always been a good and loyal mate. You are a loyal friend to his wife and his current behaviour is causing you some degree of pain. It might, however, be wise for you to find out what is going on with him, himself.

It strikes me that this man has had a lot on his plate. His wife of many years has been extremely ill and will remain so until she dies. He has certainly done a lot of grieving already. Then too, we don't know what kind of private arrangements the pair of them have come to with respect to his life. She may be anxious that he find himself some female company. Men often don't appear to be as well-equipped for "widowhood" as we are. Perhaps you should sit down and talk with him. You could tell him about your concerns and find out what his feelings are. This is a sad situation.

Hi,

The issue you brought up here is one that hits home for me. When I was nine years old, (there were five kids all within 5 years of each other, oldest 11 youngest 6) my Mom got pregnant with child number 6. During her pregnancy she kept having dizzy spells and she would fall alot. At first they thought she had a brain tumor and my Dad gathered us kids up and prepared us for the worst. By the time my brother was born, they had figured out that she had a very progressive form of MS. Her condition deteriorated rapidly after the birth, the two of us older girls pretty much raised the baby. After about three years, she was in a wheelchair or in bed at all times, and my Dad left us. It was so hard because she could not work and she was afraid to get help for us because she thought the state would take us children away. We took care of my Mom and the baby and wondered where our Dad went. Growing up like that was very hard and alot of times I hated him, but my Mom was the most patient and caring woman who has ever lived and she tried to teach me to forgive him. She said that she forgave him and that it would be hard for anyone to stay, especially if they weren't very strong. Sometimes I would get sort of mad at her for not getting angry but she said it only hurts us to harbor hate. Growing up like that you would think I would really be against Mr. P, but I guess having a Mom like her made me sort of see it from both sides. Either way I know how hard it is and I will say a prayer for Mrs. and Mr. P. and hope that they find the right path.

Kristin