Okay, here's the story. My DH has been friends with a certain Mr. P for over 40 years. Mr. P married a woman 14 years older than himself and they have been wed for 35+ years. He is a wonderful husband. Several years ago, Mrs. P developed Parkinson's Disease, which gets progressively worse as time goes on and ravages not only the body, but the mind, as well.

Mrs. P cannot be left alone, so for the last couple of years, Mr P has engaged the services of a caretaker on a daily basis. The caretaker is a nice lady - long since divorced and reasonably attractive.

Mr P feels that the time is very near when he must consider putting his wife in a nursing home. He gets little rest at night, due to her erratic sleep patterns and basically has no life of his own, other than getting out during the day when the caretaker is on duty.

The doctors and the nursing home Mr P is considering have told him that Mrs P is "no longer his wife". I have a problem with that.

To further muddy the waters, Mr P made the remark to my DH recently that he and the caretaker would probably "end up together", whatever that means.

Here is my dilemma. I told my DH this morning that when Mr P puts his wife away, we should invite him out to dinner, etc so that he does not get mired down in grief and guilt. Unless, I said, it includes L (the caretaker). I would never judge Mr P, but I am not prepared to socialize with him and his "girlfriend", knowing he has a wife in a nursing home.

My DH is very upset with my stance. He said that Mr P has been too good a friend for too long and he cannot refuse to go out to dinner with him, just because he wants to bring L along.

I believe in "until death do us part". I believe, as much as I like Mr P, that a sexual relationship with L would be adultery. I would never "preach" at him or against him for making that choice, but I am not comfortable with endorsing it.

My DH could go out with them alone, but eventually he would have to explain my continued absence. He doesn't want to have to do that. He wants me to go along "for him" and be pleasant and keep my mouth shut.

What do ya'll think?

Charlne so sorry to hear such a sad ending to a dear frinds life. I'm not catholic so I don't know about last rights. But I went right out and went shopping. I told hubby if something happens to me the second MRS L will have new shoes and another Brighton bag.........

Judy

banded aug 7,2006

1) Something is fishy with the caretaker. I think she might have had her sights set on Mr. P for a while now because he is rich. Maybe she is making Mrs. P look worse then she is.

2) I know Mr. P is lonely and would like companionship. My mom suffered for 15 years with a terminal illness and the last 3 years were horribly for my dad but he was a real trouper for her and never let my mom down. He was by her side 100% until she died.

3) Out of love and respect for his wife Mr. P should suck it up and be a man and take care of his wife. If the show was on the other foot he would probably see things differently.

4) Don't change who you are Carlene. You have morals and values and if your not comfortable with Mr. P's behavior with the caretaker stick to your guns...your entitled to your beliefs.

1) Something is fishy with the caretaker. I think she might have had her sights set on Mr. P for a while now because he is rich. Maybe she is making Mrs. P look worse then she is.

2) I know Mr. P is lonely and would like companionship. My mom suffered for 15 years with a terminal illness and the last 3 years were horribly for my dad but he was a real trouper for her and never let my mom down. He was by her side 100% until she died.

3) Out of love and respect for his wife Mr. P should suck it up and be a man and take care of his wife. If the shoe was on the other foot he would probably see things differently.

4) Don't change who you are Carlene. You have morals and values and if your not comfortable with Mr. P's behavior with the caretaker stick to your guns...your entitled to your beliefs.

The "service" is to be private ...closed casket and no graveside service at all. Mr P has only told about a dozen people of his wife's death. He says he will notify others after she is buried. No obit in the paper...nothing. Mrs P was a practicing Catholic, as am I, so of course I am horrified that there will be no Rosary and no funeral Mass.

He says he is trying to keep the whole thing very "simple", but I call it secretive. The girlfriend, he says, is "upset" and "worried" about people's reactions, so he doesn't want anyone to attend who is unsupportive (like me). I think it's VERY bad form to take your mistress to your wife's funeral, but that's just stodgy old me.

You said on the first page of this thread that you wished that Mr. P and his friend would be more discreet. I guess you finally got your wish, though I doubt it will be of any comfort to you now.

Remember Mrs. P fondly and end your relationship with Mr. P as quickly, yet as discreetly as possible. There is a reward waiting for Mr. P and friend sometime in the future, and you don't need to judge nor be around people that leave a bitter taste in your mouth.

Remember Mrs. P fondly and end your relationship with Mr. P as quickly, yet as discreetly as possible. There is a reward waiting for Mr. P and friend sometime in the future, and you don't need to judge nor be around people that leave a bitter taste in your mouth.

Thank you, TOM. I fear this has thing has long-lasting repercussions. My DH mentioned this evening that he hopes I eventually become accepting enough of the situation to where we can socialize with Mr P and his girlfriend - who will probably be the new Mrs P in a scandalously short time. I don't see myself doing that. I am disgusted with the man (Mr P) and I have zero respect for his GF. Why would I want to have dinner with people like that? Should I grit my teeth and do it anyway, for love of my DH? He and Mr P have been friends for over 40 years. I don't want to come between them.

Thank you, TOM. I fear this has thing has long-lasting repercussions. My DH mentioned this evening that he hopes I eventually become accepting enough of the situation to where we can socialize with Mr P and his girlfriend - who will probably be the new Mrs P in a scandalously short time. I don't see myself doing that. I am disgusted with the man (Mr P) and I have zero respect for his GF. Why would I want to have dinner with people like that? Should I grit my teeth and do it anyway, for love of my DH? He and Mr P have been friends for over 40 years. I don't want to come between them.

I don't think you should. You aren't keeping your DH from being his friend. He can go spend as much time with them as he wants without you. To be honest, I think your DH is putting a guilt trip on you. I think he knows that what Mr. P has done and is doing is wrong, but he doesn't want to face it. It seems to me that he is trying to get you (by reverse psychology, maybe) to put your foot down about it, just so he won't have to really face what his friend is.

I hope there is no way this man can exploit your husband, or use him in any manner. I don't know what either of their professions are---but a man who would treat an ill wife of so many years so callously---I would doubt would have much regard for a friend. He sounds like the kinda man who would use anyone including your DH to step on as he climbs up....especially with the "caretaker" behind him shoving. Not a person I would turn my back on. Especially since he surely knows you disapprove.

I know you hesitate to step between their friendship---but I would watch him closely. Brings to mind the old saying "keep your friends close and your enemies closer"---not sure even in your DH's case which he will fall in!

Without trust---what is friendship---and do you think after this your DH really has the same trust and faith in the longtime friendship he did before? How could he?

Kat

OMG! This is NEVER going to end!

Mr P called my DH last night to tell him he had proposed to the girlfriend (who accepted, of course). Mrs. P was buried FOUR DAYS AGO! And her husband of 40 years did not even accompany the body to the cemetery. He did not tell Mrs P's brother that she had died until yesterday. In fact, he told NO ONE, outside of the half dozen people he invited to the closed casket "viewing".

My husband says they (Mr P and the GF) "are in love". SO WHAT? Since when is love a license to throw integrity out the window?

DH "explained" my feelings to Mr P by saying that my previous husband was ill for a long time and I "stayed with him", so I think everyone should do the same. HELLO.....wasn't that part of the contract...."until death do us part"?

That is way too fast, OMG. I can't believe it. I am glad your husband said something to the man.

OMG! This is NEVER going to end!

Mr P called my DH last night to tell him he had proposed to the girlfriend (who accepted, of course). Mrs. P was buried FOUR DAYS AGO! And her husband of 40 years did not even accompany the body to the cemetery. He did not tell Mrs P's brother that she had died until yesterday. In fact, he told NO ONE, outside of the half dozen people he invited to the closed casket "viewing".

My husband says they (Mr P and the GF) "are in love". SO WHAT? Since when is love a license to throw integrity out the window?

DH "explained" my feelings to Mr P by saying that my previous husband was ill for a long time and I "stayed with him", so I think everyone should do the same. HELLO.....wasn't that part of the contract...."until death do us part"?

That is sad, and I would be furious.

I just read this from beginning to end. The caretaker sounds like a golddigger and I am sure that is what most people that know Mr P will think of her as. I cant believe that Mr P didnt even let the brother know his sister had died. Thats just not right. Some people need closure when someone dies and this man was denied that. It was said previously, but I will say again, you are not stopping your husband from being friends with this man. He can do lunch with him, that doesnt mean you must go. I am sorry you lost a friend. But she is without pain now.

OMG! This is NEVER going to end!

Mr P called my DH last night to tell him he had proposed to the girlfriend (who accepted, of course). Mrs. P was buried FOUR DAYS AGO! And her husband of 40 years did not even accompany the body to the cemetery. He did not tell Mrs P's brother that she had died until yesterday. In fact, he told NO ONE, outside of the half dozen people he invited to the closed casket "viewing".

My husband says they (Mr P and the GF) "are in love". SO WHAT? Since when is love a license to throw integrity out the window?

DH "explained" my feelings to Mr P by saying that my previous husband was ill for a long time and I "stayed with him", so I think everyone should do the same. HELLO.....wasn't that part of the contract...."until death do us part"?

Carlene, I said it before....you have honorable instincts and it must make your DH feel really good to hear you speak out like this. While he might feel he has to defend his friend, I know that inside he must feel wonderful to know how strongly you believe in the marriage bond. Keep it up!! Your DH will see the light about this guy soon enough...and treasure you even more....

Karen