Okay, here's the story. My DH has been friends with a certain Mr. P for over 40 years. Mr. P married a woman 14 years older than himself and they have been wed for 35+ years. He is a wonderful husband. Several years ago, Mrs. P developed Parkinson's Disease, which gets progressively worse as time goes on and ravages not only the body, but the mind, as well.

Mrs. P cannot be left alone, so for the last couple of years, Mr P has engaged the services of a caretaker on a daily basis. The caretaker is a nice lady - long since divorced and reasonably attractive.

Mr P feels that the time is very near when he must consider putting his wife in a nursing home. He gets little rest at night, due to her erratic sleep patterns and basically has no life of his own, other than getting out during the day when the caretaker is on duty.

The doctors and the nursing home Mr P is considering have told him that Mrs P is "no longer his wife". I have a problem with that.

To further muddy the waters, Mr P made the remark to my DH recently that he and the caretaker would probably "end up together", whatever that means.

Here is my dilemma. I told my DH this morning that when Mr P puts his wife away, we should invite him out to dinner, etc so that he does not get mired down in grief and guilt. Unless, I said, it includes L (the caretaker). I would never judge Mr P, but I am not prepared to socialize with him and his "girlfriend", knowing he has a wife in a nursing home.

My DH is very upset with my stance. He said that Mr P has been too good a friend for too long and he cannot refuse to go out to dinner with him, just because he wants to bring L along.

I believe in "until death do us part". I believe, as much as I like Mr P, that a sexual relationship with L would be adultery. I would never "preach" at him or against him for making that choice, but I am not comfortable with endorsing it.

My DH could go out with them alone, but eventually he would have to explain my continued absence. He doesn't want to have to do that. He wants me to go along "for him" and be pleasant and keep my mouth shut.

What do ya'll think?

I dunno. He started it by sending you those photos....:nervous

Thank you....a fact I pointed out to my DH, and that's what started the latest argument. He said to "leave it alone". I said I WAS leaving it alone....I have not had any e-mail correspondence with Mr. P since the day after he sent his wife away and he wrote, in part," I have L****** in my life now".

If I were true to my gut instinct, I would write this jerk back and say, "What in the name of God makes you think I would want to see pictures of you snuggling up to your mistress? Throw your nasty affair in someone else's face and leave me the hell alone." Unfortunately, this would cause major domestic problems for me.

When Mr P e-mails my DH, he signs the messages "your asshole buddy", or "your friend the asshole". I truly think he is trying to goad DH into taking some kind of stand.

Not only does misery love company, but evidently infidelity craves validation.

OH Carlene I think you are in a no win situation. Mr. P is not acting right and your DH is his friend. Anything you say or do will go against your DH. Maybe you should just refuse to discuss it with him. Tell your DH that you don't want updates of Mr. P's relationship or doings. Tell DH to just let you know when Mrs. P passes on so you can attend the funeral. DH can honor your situation by socializing with Mr. P on his own and away from your home. You don't have to like or condone Mr. P's actions. You shouldn't have to compromise your principles. However, you need to make sure that this doesn't drive a wedge between you and DH. Your not in an easy position.

I wondered if his motivation was really to shove the relationship in Carlene's face, or try to show her he was happy, in (misguided) attempt to win her over?

Lisa....I understand what you're saying, but WHY would I care whether he's happy or not? An affair often makes the guilty parties "happy". Otherwise, I doubt they'd do it. Does that make it okay?

DH mentioned that to me several times ("Mr P is HAPPY"..."All I want is for Mr P to be HAPPY; he's my friend")I pointed out to him that maybe he (DH)should have been less hostile when he found out his ex was cheating, since screwing the youth director at church evidently made her "happy". He said it wasn't the same thing, but he hasn't told me again how "happy" Mr. P is, either.

Lisa....I understand what you're saying, but WHY would I care whether he's happy or not? An affair often makes the guilty parties "happy". Otherwise, I doubt they'd do it. Does that make it okay?

DH mentioned that to me several times ("Mr P is HAPPY"..."All I want is for Mr P to be HAPPY; he's my friend")I pointed out to him that maybe he (DH)should have been less hostile when he found out his ex was cheating, since screwing the youth director at church evidently made her "happy". He said it wasn't the same thing, but he hasn't told me again how "happy" Mr. P is, either.

Good for you!!

I think that when we are doing something we know deep down is wrong, but we are trying to deny it, we want other people to validate that we really aren't wrong. Because we know we are. Does that make any sense at all?

He may be trying to sway you because he knows your objections, and knows they are valid. If he can get you to go along, then it makes it all OK. Even though it isn't.

Maybe you should just refuse to discuss it with him. Tell your DH that you don't want updates of Mr. P's relationship or doings.

Trust me, I try. When DH brings it up, I make the vaguest of responses. Or I just look at him - with a blank stare.

The pictures in my e-mail's Inbox set me off, though. I have to admit that I RAVED about that one. It was, to me, a HUGE intrusion.

If he can get you to go along, then it makes it all OK. Even though it isn't.

What's that expression again? Oh, yeah.....

WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH Carlene I think you are in a no win situation. Mr. P is not acting right and your DH is his friend. Anything you say or do will go against your DH. Maybe you should just refuse to discuss it with him. Tell your DH that you don't want updates of Mr. P's relationship or doings. Tell DH to just let you know when Mrs. P passes on so you can attend the funeral. DH can honor your situation by socializing with Mr. P on his own and away from your home. You don't have to like or condone Mr. P's actions. You shouldn't have to compromise your principles. However, you need to make sure that this doesn't drive a wedge between you and DH. Your not in an easy position.

Barbara's assessment of the situation is a fine one, I think.

But Green has herself been known - famed - for behaving badly at times. The following story is one of those times.

My husband has a cousin who is German, monied, and an outspoken anti-Semite. Now, as you may or may not know, my father's side of the family is Jewish and few of his family actually survived the Holocaust. Although I had met this cousin and his family the arrangement which my dh and I had come to was that he maintain his usual relationship with this family but leave me out of it.

When I came home from the dentist one day and found this man and his equally arrogant daughter sitting in my house, and my apologetic husband rolling his eyes and cringeing at the door, I freaked.

Initially it wasn't so bad. I grunted at 'em and set about to make my lunch for work (we both worked permanent off-shift, not being morning people) while bitching to a friend on the phone about the situation. I was holed up in another room of course. Things began to get bad when I called repeatedly to my dh that we were going to have to leave for work soon. The three of them kept yapping and then this is when I did my big bad. I screamed at my husband, "Mark we've got to go to work. Arbeit macht frei!"

For those of you who have no idea what this is all about, these words, which translate in to English as work will make you free, were inscribed above the entry to one of the Nazi death camps.

I was out of control, of course, but the visitors did split ASAP and we did get to work on time. My dh was absolutely furious with me but my mother, normally a very proper Brit, found my stunt hilarious.

And my dh quickly forgave me. He is a very sweet man.

Mrs. P passed away about 7:45 last night. Mr. P, her husband of 40 years, was at home, with his live-in girlfriend. The nursing home phoned with the news and didn't even speak with Mr. P. They told the GF and asked her to relay the message.

Sometimes people just suck.

That's horrible. At least she's in peace now, though.

What state do you live in? I can get you the contact information to your state's Elder Protective Services. Perhaps you could speak with a social worker and have them check to ensure there is no explotation going on.

Oh! That is a terribly, terribly sad ending to it all. You have my condolences, Carlene. I know that this has affected you deeply (as it would me).

Mrs. P passed away about 7:45 last night. Mr. P, her husband of 40 years, was at home, with his live-in girlfriend. The nursing home phoned with the news and didn't even speak with Mr. P. They told the GF and asked her to relay the message.

Sometimes people just suck.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

How awful. Sometimes it takes awhile to see peoples true colors. I am so sorry you lost your friend

The "service" is to be private ...closed casket and no graveside service at all. Mr P has only told about a dozen people of his wife's death. He says he will notify others after she is buried. No obit in the paper...nothing. Mrs P was a practicing Catholic, as am I, so of course I am horrified that there will be no Rosary and no funeral Mass.

He says he is trying to keep the whole thing very "simple", but I call it secretive. The girlfriend, he says, is "upset" and "worried" about people's reactions, so he doesn't want anyone to attend who is unsupportive (like me). I think it's VERY bad form to take your mistress to your wife's funeral, but that's just stodgy old me.

Well, I am appalled to hear this. A practising Catholic must be given the proper funeral rites. Mr. P is thinking exclusively with his little head, isn't he? What a selfish, shallow man!