Marriage Issues Already!?

[KickRocks 163]

I haven’t even had the sugary yet and I have already noticed my husband being distant. At first he seemed to be real supportive but now that he sees this is really going to happen I have noticed changes. He doesn’t want to talk about it and seems to get annoyed if I even bring it up! He says we will talk about it closer to surgery date. The other night he had the nerve to say he sees me changing. I just don’t get it. I am so hurt that he would feel that after I lose the weight I will crave other men’s attention. I tried to tell him that has not even crossed my mind! I mean even being overweight I get male attention so wtf is he really saying?

I am trying to show him that I am doing this to get the healthy not just for me but him and our kids. Being overweight has changed me so much. I am often depressed and isolated. I don’t even want to get out of the house because I hate being overweight! I have tried and tried to lose weight and I always fail! Another man is the last damn reason I would be having surgery. If a man didn’t want me at my worst I sure don’t think he deserves me at my best.

He also has gained weight over the years and I really thing that he is not happy with himself either. He just tries to hide it. Our 7 year daughter told him last night he should have the surgery with me and he said he was going to lose weight on his on! Well good for him. I will support him either way. However the fact is don’t try to bring me down because you are miserable with yourself and try to put this on me..

And to top that off he keeps bringing JUNK in the house after I have told him not to. I am trying to lose as much weight as I can during my supervised diet. I know I don’t have to eat it but I’m also trying to not only get myself in better eating habits but our kids too. So why bring it in period!? Every time I go on diets I always used to joke that he tries to sabotage it but now I really believe that’s exactly what he is doing!

I have been in tears all day today because his whole altitude has changed. He is so damn moody. The fact is if our marriage does happen to fall apart after the surgery it won’t BE BECAUSE OF ME! It will be his own damn attitude and lack of support that will push me away.

Does anyone have any advice?

[Tink22-sleeve 528]

I empathize. My husband is ,like, "Do what you have to do, but keep me out of it". Real supportive of him. I dont know the right words to make it better. sorry.

[KickRocks 163]

I empathize. My husband is ,like, "Do what you have to do, but keep me out of it". Real supportive of him. I dont know the right words to make it better. sorry.

So sorry you are dealing with this also. I would think they would be happy and supportive for us. This is not something we decided in one day. I just don't understand how they don't see that we need them involved. My husband and my kids are the only ones i've told so I really need his support now.

However, I REFUSE to let him stop me or make me feel bad. So he is either going to support me or not but I will not change my mind!

[slimagainsoon 88]

I haven’t even had the sugary yet and I have already noticed my husband being distant. At first he seemed to be real supportive but now that he sees this is really going to happen I have noticed changes. He doesn’t want to talk about it and seems to get annoyed if I even bring it up! He says we will talk about it closer to surgery date. The other night he had the nerve to say he sees me changing. I just don’t get it. I am so hurt that he would feel that after I lose the weight I will crave other men’s attention. I tried to tell him that has not even crossed my mind! I mean even being overweight I get male attention so wtf is he really saying?

I am trying to show him that I am doing this to get the healthy not just for me but him and our kids. Being overweight has changed me so much. I am often depressed and isolated. I don’t even want to get out of the house because I hate being overweight! I have tried and tried to lose weight and I always fail! Another man is the last damn reason I would be having surgery. If a man didn’t want me at my worst I sure don’t think he deserves me at my best.

He also has gained weight over the years and I really thing that he is not happy with himself either. He just tries to hide it. Our 7 year daughter told him last night he should have the surgery with me and he said he was going to lose weight on his on! Well good for him. I will support him either way. However the fact is don’t try to bring me down because you are miserable with yourself and try to put this on me..

And to top that off he keeps bringing JUNK in the house after I have told him not to. I am trying to lose as much weight as I can during my supervised diet. I know I don’t have to eat it but I’m also trying to not only get myself in better eating habits but our kids too. So why bring it in period!? Every time I go on diets I always used to joke that he tries to sabotage it but now I really believe that’s exactly what he is doing!

I have been in tears all day today because his whole altitude has changed. He is so damn moody. The fact is if our marriage does happen to fall apart after the surgery it won’t BE BECAUSE OF ME! It will be his own damn attitude and lack of support that will push me away.

Does anyone have any advice?

Wow, I could have wrote your post! My husband is acting the same way. He even had the nerve to say when I lose weight, I will leave him. He pisses me off with being so insecure. I am doing this for my health and its really embrassing going to the pretests and he is not there. I only have one more test which is the ERD and I have to have a driver so he has no choice but to go. I made sure I schedule it on his off day so he want have no excuse. It hurts when your love ones don't support you. Its all good. I am still getting it done. My husband is also overweight and needs to lose weight too. He has had a stroke, sleep apnea, high blood pressure, and type 2 diabetics but he refuses to get the surgery and feel nothing is wrong with his weight. I was his caregiver when he had to learn how to walk all over again due to the stroke. Anyway, back to your question. Pray and believe that everything will work out. I read a post where a guy felt the same way when his wife had the surgery and he was so encouraged after seeing her lose weight that he had the sleeve several months later too. That's what I am hoping that by me having the surgery, that it want only help me, but hopefully he will be encouraged and do the same. I have decided to stop stressing him about it and not bring it up to him. I feel the less I talk about to him the less he will kill my joy about it. Anyway, keep the faith and I hope all turn out well. Pretty soon we will be on the losers bench and hopefully our husbands will too. If not, we will still love them.

[yale88 25]

I am sorry my dear I wish you had the support you need from your husband . Like you said maybe he is scared of losing you. I know it s to much to ask of you but try to talk to him . Tell him how much you love him and that u are doing this to live a heathy life for him and your daughter . You need all the help and encouragement that you can get we are here for you since you not getting it from him get it from a friend or family member I wish you all the best.

[mom2five 292]

My husband is the same way... unfortunately we have other issues that have been going on for a while. I've come to the point that I can't take it anymore and I'm not waiting around for it to get worse after surgery. I told him I want a divorce today.

[desertmom 297]

Hi

Just a different take on this.Of course he will be threatened by you getting skinny.It is kind of safe to have a fat partner,especially if he is overweight himself.This is normal reaction for some that are overweight.

You have to remember you are highly motivated to make changes,you are going to have surgery.He is not as it is not "his thing" but yours.We are often enablers in our partners bad habits weather it is eating or whatever else.

What Im trying to say is you have to also try and see it from a partners point of view,an overweight partner.Ease them into healthy eating by cooking healthy.Empty a drawer or a hiding place for him to keep his junk.Be gentle about this as no one is right or wrong now,it is just a challenging new situation and every person might handle it different.

My housemate lost 30 pounds,started even before I had surgery,just because of the fear of being the overweight one eventually.

This is a road that you have chosen for yourself,you will find in the end no one can really help us and support is not going to mean everyone in your house now do what you do and be how you are.He will find his own way to deal with it.Just be nice.Be reassuring.Cook tasty healthy meals,dont expect him to eat less.And as for the junk,just try to not make a big issue out of it.He might ease off on it if you just dont overreact to things now.

Remember,you love this man and he loves you.You want to deal with this in a peaceful way.Try and pull him into your new life gently and reassuringly and do not tell him what to do.He is a man.Use your womanly ways to get him in your healthy corner,he just needs to think the changes he makes eventually WAS HIS OWN IDEA!...lol

Difficult really but come on,us girls mostly get what we want,how we want it, if we just go about it the right way!

My family went about their lives and eating as always and I just had to cook it and buy it.hehehe,they did start helping with the shopping when I started buying so much food that an army couldnt finish it ever,I was hungry man,shopping helped.

Good luck and it will make you stronger in this process if you can just understand that most people who didnt have the surgery will never really get it,how little we can eat,what we eat,that we desire food, that it is soooo hard sometimes.Give him time,just back off from him about the surgery a little.He will process it in his own good time.

Share your excitement with us on the forum,it helps.

[ozeedonkee 145]

*sigh* me too. We took out insurance 12 months ago specifically to enable a wl procedure, and now he is starting to make it into an issue. Plus, he's put himself on a diet and likes to tell me how easy it is to lose weight "the right way." In our case, I think it's a loss of control (over me) issue - so far he hasnt managed to guilt me out of the procedure. I am resolute - I deserve to discover "me" again, and the kids deserve it too.

You're not alone, I understand your frustration

[ozeedonkee 145]

Remember' date='you love this man and he loves you.You want to deal with this in a peaceful way.Try and pull him into your new life gently and reassuringly and do not tell him what to do.He is a man.Use your womanly ways to get him in your healthy corner,he just needs to think the changes he makes eventually WAS HIS OWN IDEA!...lol

Difficult really but come on,us girls mostly get what we want,how we want it, if we just go about it the right way!

[/quote']

I agreed up until this point, where I have to respectfully disagree with you. I believe love is supporting each other if you can see that something is very important to your partner. It shouldn't mean having to manipulate your partner to get what you want.

[desertmom 297]

Love SHOULD be supporting each other but very often it is not.People who have that are very lucky.I didnt want to use the word manipulate but lets really think about how often in our lives we do that anyway.

What I am really trying to say without being too blunt is this.Change is sometimes very scary.Especilly when it is not our choice and forced upon us by choices and desicions others make.BE NICE about this.It is your choice to change your life.You feel you need it,you are ready for it,gr8.We are usually excited and they dont share that as they dont feel it like we do.

It is our jobs to get them to a point that they do.With love and kindness and understanding....womanly ways I would say!

[Earwood 136]

I'm also here to say you are not alone! My husband was supportive at first when it was still just an idea out in space somewhere but as time crept closer and reality set in, he went through a very insecure phase that was extremely stressful when added to obvious stress of just having the surgery itself (and going across the border to do it). He set up road blocks and tried to sabotage my financial ability to have the surgery and when I pushed through it and the surgery was done he switched to being a jerk and telling me he knew I had plans to leave him after I lost the weight. All of this totally sucks when one of my main motivations to have the surgery was thinking about how much my husband would love the new me, I wanted to be the wife I felt he could stroll with in public and be proud to have me by his side. He was always good to me and never made me feel bad about my weight before and always told me he loved me no matter my size I was always beautiful but this is something I wanted to do for me and him. I think whoever made the comment before was right about having a fat partner is 'safe' for some people.

Anyway, I'm down 43 lbs in 9 weeks and I have just continued to reassure him and love on him and things are really getting better on this issue. I think his mind is starting to relax as he realizes that I love him and our family and I had the surgery to improve the quality of life for me and my family. I can already do things with the kids I couldn't do before and it's a great feeling and he is really starting to 'enjoy' the new me Best of luck to you and your hubby!

[slimagainsoon 88]

My husband is the same way... unfortunately we have other issues that have been going on for a while. I've come to the point that I can't take it anymore and I'm not waiting around for it to get worse after surgery. I told him I want a divorce today.

You have to do what's right for you . I wish you the best in whatever your decision is and see you on the losers bench soon . Keep us updated! This forum is a great place to vent and be supportive of each other. :ph34r:

[COsleeveDude 273]

Bide your time until you recover and then consider a change once you've had time to think things through.

My philosophy is that life is too short to waste the good years in your 20s, 30s, 40s and beyond with people who take more than they give.

Good luck.

[LouiseC 1,031]

Marriage, to me, is all about partnership. This sometimes means having to bend my head around to get a view of the world from my husbands side. It is often illuminating.

Now I don't know you or your husband, but my gut reaction is that this is less about him not supporting you and more about his own insecurities. This surgery will change you. There is no doubt about that. When you change it forces those around you to change because when you change your relationships alter. I would guess that on some level he knows this and it is tripping a switch into his fear of the unknown.

So what to do? Talk, talk and talk some more. Sure men often hate that talking so don't go for the sit in a room until we have talked this out approach. Instead talk lightly, frequently, and in short bursts. Talk about your own fears, your hopes, your excitement. Talk about how you know your going to change but how you are still going to be 'you', still going to be 'his girl' or whatever has worked to connect the two of before. Short but frequent positive conversations that include him rather than exclude him, and that offer him some semblance of control over the future, may well be the way forward.

I joke with my husband now about how other men must think he is hung like a horse and women think he must be fantastic in bed. When asked why I explain that because I am so hot now people must wonder why we are together and given that he isn't a millionaire...... Of course he knows I am joking and joins in on joking about the being the old bald guy with the young hot wife. Difference is, he is very secure and was incredibly supportive of the surgery but this doesn't mean that you and your husband can't find a new normal for you both in all of this.

Marriage is a precious thing and love is too special to give up without giving it your all, so best of luck to you both.

[suegirl 109]

I thought I was headed down the same path before my surgery. He didn't want to talk about it and was indifferent about me having it all... then came the attempts at sabotage.. junk food, going out to eat, and the like... I was already looking for another place to live because I really saw the end of the tunnel. I am almost 6 weeks post surgery and he has realized that I was dead serious about taking care of ME... When I stuck to my guns and my diets even with all the temptations and depression (from worrying about US), he has started to make a game out of it... We laugh about "how little" I eat... I finally convinced him to stop asking me what I want for dinner since I have no appetite and I only eat a few bites anyway LOL...

It all got better when I started worrying more about me than him... He is a grown man and I cannot force him to think or feel something that he doesn't... Only he can change HIM... I wish you luck..