Poll - Are You Attracted To Overweight People?

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

I have to agree. While I don't believe I have overall self-hate, or ever have, I have always hated how I looked. People tell me I'm pretty, but I always think they're trying to be nice. Even now, I'm a size 16 miss or a 14W, I still feel like the biggest person in the room and no guy would be attracted to that. There has to be a phase shift somewhere.

It is not just people of weight who have these problems.

Because of my job at the time, I was surrounded by women who were knock down gorgeous, unbelievably good looking women. That song by Lionel Richie and the Commodores: “Brick House” (which really means a brick $hit house) described many of them.

Invariably when I would take one of the young ladies to a function or party, they would say how badly they looked. Compared to what? Lets say on the 1 to 10 scale of looks, the woman I was with was a 9. Let's also say that there were 100 couples at the function. There might be five girls there who were over 8.5 and my date would compare herself only with those 5 girls. The fact that she was better looking than the other 95 did not stop her from putting herself down compared to the chosen 5. Many times she was prettier than the chosen 5 or at least 3 of the 5. Beauty is very personally subjective, so it is hard to know who was the best looking, but she always knew that she looked terrible.

Before you think that it was only in my eyes that the women I took out were so attractive, please be sure that one of my unusual traits is that I can judge looks from a non-emotional point. I can look at a person that I love and one that I hate and say that the one that I hate is prettier (if she is). Also, I had to fight all the other men away from my dates. When we walked into the room, all eyes turned our way, and I had my clothes on, so it wasn't me that caused the buzz.

Most Women see something much uglier in the mirror than the person who is actually looking into the mirror. Women have set themselves up for failure by comparing themselves to the "air-brushed" women they see in magazines. A friend of mine was a model and I hung out with him and few of his co-workers for a while. They did not look in everyday life, like they looked either in magazines or TV ads. Makeup, lighting and camera angle can work magic.

Looks have become so important in our society that women and now some men have developed a self-hate syndrome while trying to keep up with the Joneses of the fashion, TV and Movies world.

[green 6]

Ms. Vicki, your story is just one of the sweetest and most life affirming that I have ever heard.

Indianlight, perhaps it would be best if you would tell your new friend what you have told us. It makes sense, you know. You are seriously at work on conquering your own weight issues and while you are nuts about his personality you don't want to get serious about an individual who still is in a place that you have now left. A reformed alcoholic or smoker will turn down a heavy drinker or smoker as a mate for exactly the same reasons, you know. You might also explain to him that you want a serious relationship and this has got to be with a man who is not compromising his health and indeed his life. By explaining it this way the looks issue is never brought up, and it is strange how this is the issue that hurts us all the most even when it is sometimes the least important.

[Carlene 12]

By explaining it this way the looks issue is never brought up, and it is strange how this is the issue that hurts us all the most even when it is sometimes the least important.

He will know it's the "looks issue", no matter what you say. Ditto for "It's not you, it's me" and "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now."

This isn't his first rodeo. I'm sure he's heard all the let-him-down-easy stuff before.

Not that I think you should tell him his obesity turns you off. But he will know. We all always knew, didn't we?

[green 6]

Oh yes, when it comes to women and our relationship to our own physical appearance, we do tend to suffer to a greater or lesser degree from a mind-body disconnect from how we really look. Back when I was young and thin I thought that I was fat. Almost all the young women I knew then thought that they were fat even though they so obviously were not. And though I was attractive, I didn't think that I was. Despite my poor body image I managed to sow quite a few wild oats. I could have sowed many more had I a more healthy attitude towards my own appearance. I was in my 40s before I had made peace with myself and started to relax. Ironically this was when I hit menopause and started to gain and gain and gain the weight that I am fighting now. But even now I still have no idea what I actually look like. I am just more relaxed is all. This seems to be a woman thing.

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

Ms. Vicki, your story is just one of the sweetest and most life affirming that I have ever heard.

Indianlight, perhaps it would be best if you would tell your new friend what you have told us. It makes sense, you know. You are seriously at work on conquering your own weight issues and while you are nuts about his personality you don't want to get serious about an individual who still is in a place that you have now left. A reformed alcoholic or smoker will turn down a heavy drinker or smoker as a mate for exactly the same reasons, you know. You might also explain to him that you want a serious relationship and this has got to be with a man who is not compromising his health and indeed his life. By explaining it this way the looks issue is never brought up, and it is strange how this is the issue that hurts us all the most even when it is sometimes the least important.

By explaining it this way the looks issue is never brought up, and it is strange how this is the issue that hurts us all the most even when it is sometimes the least important.

So true. When I was going to emotional counseling group meetings run by my surgeon's facility, the women were always talking about looks. When I said that I don't car what i look like, they all asked “Why did you get the surgery?”

“FOR MY HEALTH”

I wonder if Vicki would have a change of heart if this man had Bariactric surgery.

People look at us as if we were slobs. Too often, WE look at us as if we were slobs.

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

Oh yes, when it comes to women and our relationship to our own physical appearance, we do tend to suffer to a greater or lesser degree from a mind-body disconnect from how we really look. Back when I was young and thin I thought that I was fat. Almost all the young women I knew then thought that they were fat even though they so obviously were not. And though I was attractive, I didn't think that I was. Despite my poor body image I managed to sow quite a few wild oats. I could have sowed many more had I a more healthy attitude towards my own appearance. I was in my 40s before I had made peace with myself and started to relax. Ironically this was when I hit menopause and started to gain and gain and gain the weight that I am fighting now. But even now I still have no idea what I actually look like. I am just more relaxed is all. This seems to be a woman thing.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL

[Carlene 12]

So true. When I was going to emotional counseling group meetings run by my surgeon's facility, the women were always talking about looks. When I said that I don't car what i look like, they all asked “Why did you get the surgery?”

“FOR MY HEALTH”

When we are older and/or out of circulation (not married), we begin to focus more on health and less on looks, I think. But when you play the dating game, and especially when you are younger, looks (unfortunately) are what it's all about.

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

When we are older and/or out of circulation (not married), we begin to focus more on health and less on looks, I think. But when you play the dating game, and especially when you are younger, looks (unfortunately) are what it's all about.

I have to both agree and disagree with you.

The person who didn't give me a chance because of my mediocre looks was not really the person I wanted, although I didn't know it.

Also, by being persistent and kind (not phony, but truly kind), I was amazed how I could overcome my looks. My wife dated me just to get rid of me (gently) in a few weeks, because she didn't want to hurt such a nice guy and wanted to keep me as a friend after we broke up. That was 42 years ago and she still is a looker. When we go places together, people assume I am either loaded in my wallet or another area of my pants. Why else would a beautiful woman be with me?

Yes, looks get you into the doorway just like a salesman's foot, but if the product you have to sell is not worth much, there will be no sale.

[Devana 0]

"When we go places together, people assume I am either loaded in my wallet or in another area of my pants. Why else would a beautiful woman be with me?"

My husband says that this is the sad truth, that in general men judge men by their companions. An unattractive man with a gorgeous woman must have something somewhere else going for him and an attractive man with a not so attractive woman is regarded with slight suspicion, that he must have something wrong somewhere, somehow.

[Ms. Vicki 0]

By explaining it this way the looks issue is never brought up, and it is strange how this is the issue that hurts us all the most even when it is sometimes the least important.

So true. When I was going to emotional counseling group meetings run by my surgeon's facility, the women were always talking about looks. When I said that I don't car what i look like, they all asked “Why did you get the surgery?”

“FOR MY HEALTH”

I wonder if Vicki would have a change of heart if this man had Bariactric surgery.

People look at us as if we were slobs. Too often, WE look at us as if we were slobs.

I dated a man that weighed 600 lbs before I met and married my 130 lb husband. The reason we broke up had nothing to do with his (or my) physical appearance. Truth be told, he broke up with me.

Physical appearances can definitely give a clue to underlying emotional issues, however I have always stressed to my kids that they should look further than skin deep before judging a person or making a choice to accept their friendship. I almost missed meeting the "man of my dreams" because he was too short and skinny. I was very guilty of prejudice, just for the opposite reason.

[chameleon 0]

The exception to the rule seems to be Black men. I have a lot of Black friends and I went to a wedding recently between a mid-40's, 5'9”, 150 pound man and a late 30's 5'6”, 400 pound women. All sizes are guesstimates. I know the man for many years and he has previously dated women in the same weight class.

When I was working and we had union picnics, a lot of the white guys were meeting in clusters the next day at work to discuss the sizes of the dates and wives of many of our Black coworkers. “Did you see the size of the elephant that Jones brought to the picnic?” Or, “did the see the whale that Barny is married to?” The Black guys if they were ashamed could have skipped the picnic, but they were not. Many of these Black men were young and the women were fat when they were married. Many of the Black men I worked with would bring in family pictures to show the other guys. They habitually contained photos of normal to slim men with huge women. Even if the coworker's wife was slim, his brother or friends in the pictures would invariably be with huge women. White guys would never bring in pictures like that. :grouphug:

I have to totally agree with you there T.O.M. The black dudes do seem to like some extra meat on their women, not to mention fat. That's so weird...like a cultural thing...I wonder where it comes from?

[green 6]

My husband says that this is the sad truth, that in general men judge men by their companions. An unattractive man with a gorgeous woman must have something somewhere else going for him and an attractive man with a not so attractive woman is regarded with slight suspicion, that he must have something wrong somewhere, somehow.

And it is true vice versa. Women also like to see men and women of like attractiveness yoked up. We all like to see a couple evenly matched when it comes to the beauty department and a disparity is always unsettling to the casual onlooker. This sense of wrongness disappears, of course, when you come to know the couple. The superficial impact of looks always disappears when you come to know the people inside the packages. This is just how it works.

My own mate is 9 years younger than myself and while I had been a fairly good looking woman in my day, age and weight gain have certainly damaged my allure. *Please insert irony here, by the way.* As for my mate, well, the body gods have been very kind to him. This has resulted in some occasions where my feelings could have been hurt if I was less comfortable in our relationship. We have, you should know, been together for twenty years. I am also aware that I would have made the same judgement calls had I been on the outside looking in. This is something that we are prone to do is all.

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

I have to totally agree with you there T.O.M. The black dudes do seem to like some extra meat on their women, not to mention fat. That's so weird...like a cultural thing...I wonder where it comes from?

I think it because they are raised with more of a respect for the beauty of a bigger girl. I think their moms do a great job of teaching them that!

Or it could be just a hangover from when the Renissance era. Then if you were overweight it was known you were a noble or had money. Fat then meant you had enough money to eat whatever you wanted!

[drcollier 0]

I don't find it weird that some black men can appreciate a big, or even fat, woman. But I do think it is cultural. I think whites put the premium on skinny women more than other races. Frankly I think it is more "weird" to be attracted to women who are the size of children.(smile)

I'm trying for 142 lbs which sounds pretty small to me, but people assure me that it is a "normal" size!

[DerickM 1]

Well:nervous ... I am male and 22 yrs old pretty much anything turns me on :thankyou:

That being said, I am not attracted to MO women but however large women, curvy women, etc...it depends upon face and initial personality.