Thought I'd Be Happier Than This....

[Seannie 42]

I've been writing on everyone else's threads - trying to give encouraging words about their upcoming surgery and I feel like a complete fraud. it's always been so easy for me to comfort and give kindness to others, but when it comes to me .. well... I don't even take my own advice.

I'm flying out tomorrow morning at 8:15 to San Diego, and then traveling across the boarder to Tijuana Mexico for surgery on Friday 3/9. I was scheduled with Dr. Kelly - but ended up switching at the last minute to have the surgery performed by Dr. Ponce at INT Hospital.

I've been on a 3 day pre op liquid diet, started my period (sorry fellas!) and have been on an emotional rollercoaster for the last couple of days. I'm just not myself. While I'm excited to finally do something for myself (besides eat!!), there's a nagging feeling that my life won't be the same. Weird.. huh? I mean, I love food, I loved to smoke (don't judge), I loved the ocassional "nite cap", hanging out with my sisters and friends.. you know having a good time. My social life revolved around all of those.. and suddenly.. they are gone.

How do I say this without sounding like a complete idiot?? But, I feel like I'm bored.. like I'm going to have to find a healty hobby (envision me rolling my eyes! ) I'm married with 4 great kids.. how the hell I can be bored I don't know. You see, for YEARS, I waited until they went to bed, before indulging in all of my bad habits. It was like a dirty little secret... mmmmmm, gonna get a slice of pizza, or the left over cheeseburger they didn't eat... pour a glass of merlot, and then go outside on the patio and smoke a cigarette... This was my nightime routine for YEARS... and now.. poof! it's gone.

I went to Target tonight to get some last minute things, and looked in the dressing room mirror and was just disgusted with the 100+ pounds I've ammassed in the 18 years I've been married. Yep, you heard me. I am officially 100 pounds heavier than on my wedding day. Gained most of it after my oldest son was born - almost 15 years ago.. I have no one to blame but myself.

But you know what, as I sit here and write this - (maybe this is what I was supposed to do...) I'm suddenly encouraged to pull my big girl panties up - woman up - and get on that plane with my head held high, grab my luggage, find the guy with my name on his sign, cross that boarder, get on that surgical table and make it happen..

I can, and I will do this... without crying, without fear, and most importantly with as much courage as I can muster... Welcome to the looser's bench Seannie... you got this babe... Thanks for letting me vent you guys... I love this board - it's been a life saver.. literally..

[beautifulnewme2012 164]

Thank you for being honest. I wish you all the best in the world. You WILL find a new way...a new set of habits, a new you. It WILL take lots of time...I am saying all this and I haven't even gotten a date yet...but I am scared too...changing habits will be hard. But soooo worth it. I have 4 kids too...just knowing that I am bettering my chances of being around for my some day grand kids!!! Well, makes me want to put on my "big girl panties" too...I will be thinking so many good thoughts for u!!!

[Finding Myself 146]

Great post! Good luck tomorrow! I hope to be there in a couple of month. May I ask why you switched from Dr Kelly?

[MeMeMEEE 206]

You are going to do great! I do understand the socialness of drinking and eating - I was just thinking this past weekend after eating out several times and not really enjoying much of it that I don't really want to eat out. A meal is too much food, an appetizer is usually fried and the kids meals are unhealthy. Frustrating to spend good money and not enjoy it! So I am looking for a new healthy hobby too - other than reading!!

[Tana_Q 20]

I really empathize with you OP. I think you may be in the beginning stages of the grieving process. Yes, griving the loss of your relationship with food. It's common but usually happens after surgery. I think many of us have depended on food, ciggies, glass of wine for a long time and it is hard to give up those things! I stopped smoking a year ago and stopped drinking 6 years ago. I still sometimes want to relax with a beer and a smoke. But you are right in thinking about getting a new healthy habit to occupy that time. I'm going to have to do that as well (also rolling my eyes). But it's for the best right? Hang in there.

[Neese 75]

Everyone's advice is great. You will do wonderful. We are all here for you, whenever. (:

[Seannie 42]

Great post! Good luck tomorrow! I hope to be there in a couple of month. May I ask why you switched from Dr Kelly?

@Debly - nothing too crazy, just too much to deal with between him, the coordinator, his staff, etc... I have no doubt that he's a great surgeon, just didn't want the hastle of the goings on between him and everybody else.

[Seannie 42]

Awww... you guys are such sweethearts! <<hugs>>

Thanks for your responses... it is like a death in the family.. but like a death, we have to think about food with fondness for "what was".. not what will be...

so goodbye double Mickey D's double cheeseburgers... hello... uh.. yeah, well I'm not there yet.. I'll let you know when that happens ...

[feedyoureye 3,087]

It is a big change, but you know, you can still eat good stuff.. just later on, and in smaller amounts... going out will be for the company more, not the food and cigs... and as far a class of wine? Why not. Later on, that is. Your life will be a new normal. You can still kick up your heals, wear that little black dress like you haven't been able to for years, and do it for many more years than if you hadn't done the surgery. Cheers! Your new life is going to be GOOD.

[pdog 51]

Great post, so honest. You can do it, You are ready for your new healthy skinny life! Congrats!

[vsg30815 99]

Best wishes and a speedy recovery!

[Queen of Crop 1,103]

You are going to be SO surprised in a few months!!!! A wonderful new life is just waiting for you out there; and it will have food and wine in it; just smaller amounts, but guess what? You won't WANT any more than a small amount! It takes a little time but I am 4 months out and I am giving or going to dinner parties all the time and no one notices anymore; they mostly compliment me on how good I look these days.....it's a very freeing feeling and you will be right there too!!!!! Thanks for the good honest post and we'll look forward to hearing how your life has changed after the surgery.

www.queenofcrop.com

[DanityChai 30]

Wow I totally could've written this post. My surgery is in May and I love my wine and the social cigarette. It's scary to think that it will all be gone, I agree. The advice you've received is awesome. I plan to revisit this thread the closer I get to my date. Thanks for sharing.