Intimacy issues

[lisah25 3]

But really it is realistic that a single person might encounter someone who didn't know they have surgery. And having that conversation about surgery might not be easy. So it's not about lying, it's about becoming comfortable with something to say that will also make someone else comfortable.

Nobody wants an intimate encounter or even a non-intimate encounter that involves being less clothed (like swimming, Hot Tubbing, Jet Skiing, etc) to be awkward. :phanvan

And even if you tell him/her why you have scars doesn't make it any more accepted.

Do you think everyone is accepting of Weight Loss Surgery? If only they were.

I think in this society, men can be very judgmental - even those that you might share your body with.

My response is just for me, it's how I feel, and I don't mean to say I think anyone else should feel this way. That said, I don't think I could sleep with someone who is that unaccepting of WLS, and by extension me for having it. It's not about my body so much, but about who I want to be with. Now, maybe it is easy for me to talk, I'll Celebrate my 13 anniversary next week. But I was almost 30 when I got married, and I had a past.

Maybe I'm the only woman here who has been 'passed over' by a man due to her weight, since I see a lot of married women & women in relationships who are also overweight/obese/working on their weight.

I got passed over a lot, it's tough. I had one blind date set up, he just happened to drop by my work to visit his buddy(yeah, right) and gee, after that the blind date just never happened. I felt invisible for years, and I too think of myself as a pretty, but fat, girl. I even dated a guy once who liked big women, well at least in private. In public he'd barely acknowledge me.

Then I met my husband. Who thought I was pretty too. He wasn't into big women as a rule, but we clicked. He thinks I'm sexy now, and he mainly supports me in the surgery because he knows I'll feel better. I actually wonder how he'll feel about me smaller, I've gained some weight since getting married, but not that much.

Interesting thread.

[Scribby 0]

I hear ya sister! I have never had a problem getting a man, I have actually been told that I was "the prettiest fat girl they had ever met"..umm..thanks, I think you dickhead..haha...Fat does out weigh the nice and the ugly...if the ugly chic isnt fat, she would still get more attention. I am not compalining about it as its socoety and I am not out to change the world, I am out to change how the world sees me.

Also, I do agree with the scar issue, part of this is so I wont be shy about showing my body to the man I love, but if I look like Frankenstein I will still be bothered by it..its not how he feels when he looks at me, its how I feel when he looks at me..

[lisah25 3]

I hear ya sister! I have never had a problem getting a man, I have actually been told that I was "the prettiest fat girl they had ever met"..umm..thanks, I think you dickhead..haha..

LOL- Now there is a response.

[maryb 1]

Scars and Port...

My port scar is tiny compared with the full meal deal scar from my Gall Bladder Surgery in 1986. After my divorce in 1989, I dated a few guys until I married my prince charming in 1994. Other then wishing I didn't have it so I could wear a bikini without being self-conscience, it never ever was an issue!

I didn't show and tell every guy I met because I am old school and don't believe in getting naked with someone unless you at least love each other. Love hides all flaws at least for the first year! LOL

Now the Tummy Tuck is a different subject... If a Tummy Tuck would get rid of my enormous gall bladder scar along with the stretch marks and gut pooch, I will wear a bikini to the supermarket on double stamp day!

We all dress to please other women, because all men wish we would always be naked.

[Woodys 0]

LOL Scribby

[minpinmom 2]

I haven't had wls yet . . . but I have had a huge tumor removed and I have a 9 inch scar from my belly button down. I had the surgery in 2001 and it has faded so much now, that it isn't even noticable. And trust me it was freakin huge! I was worried afterwards how my beau would react, but lol, I could have written in glow in the dark ink all over my stomach - and he wouldnt have noticed - wear some sassy lingere - he will never know what hit him!

Also, you don't have to share everything with someone at once - if he ask whats the scar from - ask him if he would rather talk or . . . . . . use your imagination :-)

[giveyouthemoon 4]

Well...I think that guys will make a deal of it if they ask and you get all weird or evasive or too "explainey" about it. Guys really are simple. If he says "say, what's that scar all about" and you say, with a shrug "oh, I had some surgery" and act fine with it, he'll be like..: shrug : "ok, cool"

If you reply "weeeell, I had this surgery, see, and it was a big deal and it's weird" and you act all uncomfortable, then HE will be uncomfortable too!

The guy will look to see how you respond and react and go from there.

I got a lecture from my bf this weekend about how girls are prone to explaining too much. He said "just say it out don't worry about defending it" and I think he's right. Harder for me to practice but I'm going to try.

So girls...practice your confidence. Fake your confidence if you have to (fake it until you make it!). Say with a shrug and a hair toss..."oh, I just had a little minor surgery"

It will be fine.

Honestly, I think we're overthinking it a little bit....

[Yoda 0]

I completely agree with what GiveyoutheMoon just said. Completely.

I think "we" (women) make a bigger deal out of it than we need to. Yes, I've been married for 5 yrs now but I, too had a past. In that past, I was a single woman who had a breast reduction....so I had scars in some very intimate places. Really....in my experience of intimacy (aka SEX!) guys don't care. You're NAKED!!!!! They don't care!!!! (ie. you are NAKED!!!). Really....ask any guy...a few lil' scars will not phase them. And as GiveyoutheMoon said...no reason to go into a major explanation.

Guys? Care to comment here?

I also have some VERY nasty scars form a severe ankle break and emerg surgery I had a few yrs ago on my ankle. Granted, the ankle isn't an intimate piece of the body...but it's still a scar. I see some ppl look at it a little longer than necessary sometimes (ie. when I'm wearing sandals and shorts)....but I know they are prob just wondering what happened to cause them. No biggie.

[NewSho 20]

Honestly, I think we're overthinking it a little bit....

Right. I guess I'd think that too - if I wasn't facing having to have "The Conversation. " :faint:

You have someone who already knows about why you have the scars, so as for right now - this isn't something you'll have to explain with your unclothed body.

(BTW, Nice feedback from the boyfriend - men do like direct, simple talk with little frill.)

I was SO happy when the OP posted this, because I've been wondering the same thing. But it's different for me, and most people here won't have to deal with it, for sure.

I mean, it's just like when I read threads where people go "how can I talk to my husband about me wanting surgery?"

I read them and shrug, thinking "Gee, who cares? Just tell him and go do it.":rolleyes:

Well that's easier for me to say because my reality doesn't involve having to persuade someone that his (pooled) money, his spouse and/or the kids' mother wants to 'go under the knife.' So to me, it's nothing to be concerned about, yet people come here often with that very real issue to consider how to discuss or explain this process to their hubbies/boyfriends. Of course, I don't get why it's a big deal.

So I guess I'm totally looking at this as someone who has NOT been married 13 years or who does not have a boyfriend who supported me through the process.

All men (even those we may like) aren't necessarily WLS-knowledgeable or WLS-comfortable. It's nice that you have had someone to 'go through' this with you, but part of the reason I did this (speaking for myself) was to increase my chances of finding someone I want to spend time with. To that end, the conversation will come up. I have more than a few little scars so it ain't gonna be like "he won't notice" or "he won't ask if I don't make a big deal about it."

But again, I realize that's it's my deal - not most people's situation. And of course single people are far, far outweighed on this forum so this probably isn't really an issue that will 'light people's interest' :notagree like more universal topics will. That's cool.

Appreciate the comments, though.

[Fauxnaif 1]

I don't think they can necessarily feel the port. And they definitely can't feel the band. My visual reminder that I know my husband notices is my loose skin. It hangs a bit. But hey, it's better than weighing over 300!

Maybe someone should be told about your band before you take a step such as getting intimate with them. Just my opinion.

[sbmorgaine 0]

From a different perspective:

I am not a man, but have been told on a number of occasions that I think like one. (I am not sure if that is good or bad really). I am gay, that is important here because of this subject, I am also married to a wonderful woman, who could have a scar all over her body, and I wouldn't care..

BUT!! When I was in my younger, much less married days, I had my fair share of singles nights, you know, wink wink. One woman had been in a fire, and had no left breast and major scarring on her chest and back. This was not a relationship, just a fling. The first time we were getting naked, she took her shirt off and said "It's from a fire, when I was 10" and sorta stood there for a minute. I said "oh, ok" and that was it.

What's the point? If you are in a situation that skin is going to be shown, the person there already decided that they find you attractive. If you are in a bikini situations, trust me, they aren't looking at your scars. If you stress and worry about the scars, then they will focus on them too, but if you just rock your bikini, or your lack of bikini, there are much more interesting things to look at.

Men are like dogs, they can sense fear. Don't be afraid, cause he is just happy you are there and naked.

[giveyouthemoon 4]

Right. I guess I'd think that too - if I wasn't facing having to have "The Conversation. " :faint:

You have someone who already knows about why you have the scars, so as for right now - this isn't something you'll have to explain with your unclothed body.

Well...I should probably explain....I didn't have this man when I had my surgery. I did my surgery all by myself, I had NO ONE to help me. It was rough.

I met this guy about six months AFTER I had the surgery. I did, in fact, have to explain to him about my scars. And yes...I fretted about it. I did have to have The Conversation.

Here is my story. We met in November and started seeing each other. We dated for a month before getting intimate. Finally, FINALLY we did go ahead and get intimate. I was nervous as hell about my scars which are really noticable and red against my very pale skin.

So we "did the deed" and after I was fretting. So I made some comment like "so you probably noticed my scars" and went on a rambling explanation.

His reply?

"Scars? I didn't even notice" then he looked down at my stomach and said "oh yeah....huh, you do have some scars."

That was it.

So I guess I wanted to clear up my comments from my place of experience. I didn't make my comments as one of the very lucky women who had their partner or husband as support for their surgery. I'm just another of the single women on this board who had surgery not only to help my health, but in hopes of finding love again.

Hope that helps.

[saul 0]

Just to add my two cents in from a guys perspective.

I think scars are sexier than tatoos!

Thats right....I dont have a scar fetish or anything I just think that if you are going to be intimate with someone the scars do not matter at all.

If someone notices your scars and comments you should say "yes don't you think scars are sexier than tatoos" This will get him thinking that you are not ashamed of your scars and that you wear them proudly.

As far as the port is concerned, I guess if he palpates the area as if he you guys were playing doctor he's gonna find it. If he massages you in that area he's gonna feel it. If he asks just let him know he gets to find out later. Mystery will keep him around for a long time.

Enjoy your new body! You deserve it.

[Koala 0]

I would think that if you started the conversation with "Before we do this/sleep together(or however you word it depending on when you tell him), there's something I have to tell you...." He'll be relieved to hear you mention scars rather than an std.

Really though...

I don't believe I'd wait until THE moment to mention it, though. That could definitely dampen the mood because it would force him to focus on something other than sex. It would probably have nothing to do with seeing the scars, just throwing off the mental thing.

As for me, I kind of believe that telling a man fairly early in the relationship would serve two purposes. It would stop heartbreak later. If you found out he had a problem with it, it seems to me that knowing that information up front could avoid falling in love THEN finding out he couldn't handle a few scars.

The other purpose, for me, would be to weed out men I don't want. I, personally, wouldn't want a man who would have never considered dating me as a heavy person. That would be a deal-breaker, and I'd send him packing. I'm not interested in a man who has a prejudice about heavy people. To me, that is a character flaw.

Any man I would consider would be the sort of guy who would view my journey to health as a battle won and, thusly, a reminder that I am one strong, capable, and motivated woman.

I'm thinking telling him it was a gall bladder surgery would work for a very short term relationship. BUT, if the relationship grew, you'd have started it with a lie that will be exposed in all the old family pictures. If I were the guy in that situation, the scars would be a non-issue, but the lie would be the reason I would walk.

I've been a big girl all my life. I'm married to a man who married me as such, loves me, and thinks I'm the sexiest woman alive. BUT, before I married him, I dated a lot. I really believe having personality, taking care of yourself, and showing confidence are much more important to many men, and the others don't deserve the time of day from goddesses like us!

[NewSho 20]

That's a great story, Karen.

It's good to know that there is "New Love (or Lust) After The Band..."

I think sometimes it's easy to feel like the only one who's been through a process like this, alone, especially on these forums (which naturally skewer toward the married/dating/settled.)

In fact sometimes its discouraging to read someone say "Oh I'd just be bold, be frank, be confident when I'd have that talk, etc, etc" and then they say, but of course I've been married 50 years so I'll never have to have this particular problem.

:eek:

Thanks for the continued input.

Well...I should probably explain....I didn't have this man when I had my surgery. I did my surgery all by myself, I had NO ONE to help me. It was rough...

That was it.

So I guess I wanted to clear up my comments from my place of experience. I didn't make my comments as one of the very lucky women who had their partner or husband as support for their surgery. I'm just another of the single women on this board who had surgery not only to help my health, but in hopes of finding love again.

Hope that helps.