Spouse or Sig other

[Dawn 16]

I have been wanting to vent on this very subject for a long time! I was worried I would come across wrong or just a b***h. My husband is well over 400 pounds and at it is disabling to him. Now I must say even before the surgery I was getting embarrassed by his size, but now I not only embarrassed and refuse to even walk close to him in public, but I am disgusted! I can't stand how much he eats in front of me and I know he is pigging out in secret. I can't stand his smell, his moaning because his knees hurt, his inability to walk to up the stairs without sounding like he just ran 5 miles, his psoriasis that is clearly affected by what he eats. I have even stopped keeping my clothes in or sleeping in our bedroom because it smells like him. He refused so see how pathetic his situation is. A few years ago he lost his job and laid in bed for a year, I moved out because I could not stand it. He refused to admit that if his Mother was not best friends with the wife of the president of his current employer he would not have a job period, The whole time I was checking in the hospital for my surgery, I kept thinking that everyone must be thinking why is she getting this surgery and not him. I was actually surprised that someone did not say something to him in some round about way. Kids point at him and make comments in public and yet he shovels in more food despite the kid who just said "Mommy" look at that fat man!" I realize it is easier for me being on the other side now to be critical of his food choices, but yes in all honesty losing the weight has made it so I see him in a very negative light now and I do not know what the future holds. I walk the fine line of trying to get him to have the surgery and not nagging him every day. At some point I think It will boil down to what I can accept any more and perhaps leaving him.

You are not a B about this. Even though I do not feel the same as you there are parts that I can understand. I get SO Upset when everything revolves around food with my DH and it's so hard for me to remember that I have changed physically, mentally and emotionally about food, he hasn't! In my case I have been fighting resentment that he didn't go through with surgery and I did. I really thought that him seeing how AWESOME I'm doing would help but thus far it hasn't. Has your DH ever considered WLS?

[sleeve 4 me 910]

I remember when I just wanted to weigh less than my hubby. I was soooo happy on the day I finally weighed a few LB's less than he did. Today I weight 40 lbs. less than he does.

When I was FAT he loved me and NEVER made me feel bad about being FAT. I do see him in a different light as far as weight goes because he looks so much bigger to me now (especially in the belly lol). And I wish he would lose because he has type 2 diabetis, but my love for him is stronger than ever before .

[CT Fats 82]

Sleeve 4 me

You sound like you really love your hubby, but are you still gaga for his body now?

[Wheetsin 714]

CT Fats - I kinda see two different conversations going on. I'm assuming your question is about body/physical attraction and not about emotional connection. Is that right?

You're not talking about emotional fidelity, or whether or not women love their husbands & would still love them if they gained weight... but purely whether or not that instinctual level of raw physical attraction would be there if they were obese...?

[sleeve 4 me 910]

Sleeve 4 me

You sound like you really love your hubby, but are you still gaga for his body now?

YES because I am STILL GAGA for HIM after 22 years ...Physical beauty is superficial. Beauty fades and is truly ONLY skin deep.

I didn't marry him for his body, I married him for his heart. And I know he feels the same towards me. THANK GOD! Otherwise he would have left me in 1997 when I started putting on the most weight, and even NOW with all my saggy loose skin .

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,281]

YES because I am STILL GAGA for HIM after 22 years ...Physical beauty is superficial. Beauty fades and is truly ONLY skin deep.

I didn't marry him for his body, I married him for his heart. And I know he feels the same towards me. THANK GOD! Otherwise he would have left me in 1997 when I started putting on the most weight, and even NOW with all my saggy loose skin .

That's right!!

[Becca 108]

Moral of the story is, as long as your foundation is strong, your relationship will make it. Through thick or thin.

I agree! My husband and I are high school sweethearts. When he met me, I weighed 130 pounds. He has stayed with me through my weight gains (mainly from pregnancy). I still love him after losing 111 pounds and I feel the same for him. I am so self conscious with all of my skin issues, but he never complains. I felt so guilty when I asked if we could start saving for a Tummy Tuck, but he is supportive of me getting one. (We have spent 12,000 between a self pay lapband and revision co-pay) I you have a strong relationship, weight loss should not matter. I do feel though that some people may change when they lose the weight and that could cause them to want to leave their partner, espcially if there are issues before the surgery.

[smkeller 3]

My husband is a little over weight, his BMI is 35 but I LOVE that...

That is my BMI too. I am getting sleeved on the 29th. A 35 BMI with high blood pressure, high cholesterol, type ii diabetes, or sleep apnea means that you are morbidly obese. Morbid means death.

[NJMOMof2 17]

My husband met me when I was 145 and loved me at 252. He never made me feel bad, pressured me, and was super supportive of everything I did to lose weight (including 2 surgeires).

Our relationship has never been better since losing weight. It's not that he is more attracted to my thinner body...It's that I AM!! I feel attractive and good about myself (dare I say...sexy).

It was a real problem that I weighed more than him (on my part). I love that I am about 30 pounds less than him now and I feel that if I did sit on his lap, I wouldn't squash him! LOL

Relationship strong before and after surgery!

[myrori 55]

Thank you everyone for the kind words that am not a uncaring B! As a matter of fact I have one failed marriage of 16 years and this relationship/marriage combo is at 10 years and I have not left him except that one time for his depression/laying in bed issues for a year. While I am embarrassed at his current size and disgusted by his smell( I will save you the real details here) I am sticking it out because my marriage commitments ring quite loud in my head and I really don't want to give up his great family! At 47 I love the family feel of his family (brothers and sisters and really great Mom in law!) but I am scared for him as much as I digusted and embarrassed at the same time. It is really only a matter of time before he loses this job. The union is really only his saving grace! I have since my divorce always made sure financially I can take care of me first, so that is not my main consideration, truth be told I would really give all this up right now to go be a full time Grandma! The thing that holds me back is my vows I made on the beach 6 years ago, I made a promise by the ocean and GOD and I am torn about what I feel.

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,281]

Thank you everyone for the kind words that am not a uncaring B! As a matter of fact I have one failed marriage of 16 years and this relationship/marriage combo is at 10 years and I have not left him except that one time for his depression/laying in bed issues for a year. While I am embarrassed at his current size and disgusted by his smell( I will save you the real details here) I am sticking it out because my marriage commitments ring quite loud in my head and I really don't want to give up his great family! At 47 I love the family feel of his family (brothers and sisters and really great Mom in law!) but I am scared for him as much as I digusted and embarrassed at the same time. It is really only a matter of time before he loses this job. The union is really only his saving grace! I have since my divorce always made sure financially I can take care of me first, so that is not my main consideration, truth be told I would really give all this up right now to go be a full time Grandma! The thing that holds me back is my vows I made on the beach 6 years ago, I made a promise by the ocean and GOD and I am torn about what I feel.

You are a good Wife, just keep fighting for your marriage. It really sounds like just because he is not laying in bed all day that he may still be depressed. I'm sure he feels your discord toward him. Is he on medication or at least talking to someone about his mental status? He has to fight for your marriage just as much as you are. It's 50/50 but sounds more like 100/0... Of course I have not an idea of what's really going on so I'm just going by what you're sharing here. I don't think you are a B at all. Things like this always have 3 sides to every story. I just want you to know no matter what the case you will always have support here.

xoxo

[M2G 1,836]

This is a very interesting topic, and as someone pointed out there are two parts, emotional connection and physcial connection.

I have to say my husband has always been physically attracted to me. I married him when I was fairly heavy, and he has seen me lose and gain more weight than I can list here. -80lbs being the most significant amount of weight I've ever lost. And he has always been super suportive of any diet I have ever been on BUT had never scolded me when I wanted to eat ice cream. We truly did marry for better or worse and I have never felt like he has any requirements on my size, build, weight, etc.

I was the one to get the whole WLS ball rolling, and asked him to do it too. He said no. But then as I marched through all the requirements that our health ins. required, he had a change of heart. I am now 9 months post-op and he is 4. We both easily look 10 years younger and things are great because we are on the same page as far as eating goes. He was off BP meds 10 days post-op and I cried happy tears! We are both regaining our health and the team approach is working for us. The one thing that my hubby could not/would not do before surgery was exercise. I had found a way 7 years ago to make exercise a part of my daily life and he couldn't do it. Now he exercises regularly (set up a home gym of sorts in our basement) and I am so happy that he has found a way to get exercise in his life. We are no longer killing ourselves one bite at a time and we are lucky to be on such a monumentally changing journey together!

[Tiffykins 672]

I have been wanting to vent on this very subject for a long time! I was worried I would come across wrong or just a b***h. My husband is well over 400 pounds and at it is disabling to him. Now I must say even before the surgery I was getting embarrassed by his size, but now I not only embarrassed and refuse to even walk close to him in public, but I am disgusted! I can't stand how much he eats in front of me and I know he is pigging out in secret. I can't stand his smell, his moaning because his knees hurt, his inability to walk to up the stairs without sounding like he just ran 5 miles, his psoriasis that is clearly affected by what he eats. I have even stopped keeping my clothes in or sleeping in our bedroom because it smells like him. He refused so see how pathetic his situation is. A few years ago he lost his job and laid in bed for a year, I moved out because I could not stand it. He refused to admit that if his Mother was not best friends with the wife of the president of his current employer he would not have a job period, The whole time I was checking in the hospital for my surgery, I kept thinking that everyone must be thinking why is she getting this surgery and not him. I was actually surprised that someone did not say something to him in some round about way. Kids point at him and make comments in public and yet he shovels in more food despite the kid who just said "Mommy" look at that fat man!" I realize it is easier for me being on the other side now to be critical of his food choices, but yes in all honesty losing the weight has made it so I see him in a very negative light now and I do not know what the future holds. I walk the fine line of trying to get him to have the surgery and not nagging him every day. At some point I think It will boil down to what I can accept any more and perhaps leaving him.

I really don't think any of this makes you a "B".

There is no way I would stay with someone that not only didn't care about himself, but didn't care about our marriage.

You have done amazingly well post-VSG, made so many life changes, and you have added years to your life. Unfortunately, he is not willing to do the same. My husband embraced all the changes in our diet/food choices when I had surgery. He never griped about me stripping pre-packaged food out of our diets. So, I can only imagine how you are feeling day in and day out living with someone that has zero desire to better his own life.

I'm here if you ever need to vent ! ! !

[CT Fats 82]

I would agree that the thread has taken on a two part question vine. It seems it's both the emotional attraction and the physical attraction are two distinct entitys. Its intresting to see so many women who are SO commited to their spouse through better or worse. I would love to hear from some guys on the subject, us being more superficial and all . But keep them coming ladies, lots of insight!

[GreenEyedMamma 5]

And here I thought I was the only one feeling this way...whew!!!

In my mere five months post-op, I have discovered that with each pound lost I am gaining more self-confidence and self-esteem. Moreover, as these grow, I cannot help but face the fact that I married my husband because I was at such a low-point in my life emotionally that I felt he was going to be "as good as it gets". As a heavy girl my entire life (seriously always the biggest kid in class), I found myself in relationships with men that were no good for me but they were the only ones that would pay any attention to me. Now, I am married to a man who treats me bad, I feel unappreciated, and I feel taken advantage of every time I look at him.

I honestly do not know what it is that attracted him to me (other than I have a great job and make decent money) because the type of woman he is most attracted to is the complete opposite of me. He likes short, dark haired, dark eyed, Asian or Pacific Islander, skinny women. I am blonde, vampire WHITE, green eyed, far from skinny and short (well, I guess one out of five matches). He always tells me that if he did not love me or was not attracted to me he would not have married me. Well...then why the hell is he making comments on another girls Facebook picture about how beautiful she is and how he is and always will be attracted to her? He NEVER comments on any of the pictures I post. We were recently on a video chat with our friends in Florida who we have not seen in over a year and he was telling them (all proudly) "look at my wife and how good she looks". He was going on about how well I am doing and what not making himself look like the star husband. He doesn't EVER express these things to me directly and I think he only does it in front of others because they are the first to comment about how good I look and he doesn't want to look like an ass by not saying anything.

So, to say that my actual pounds lost has changed how I feel about my husband is not really true. However, to say that I view him in a different light because I have opened my eyes to what I have been in denial about for the past seven years is. He is 6' and nearly 300 pounds but his weight has nothing to do with my emotional changes. He has gained about 50 pounds in the last three years and blames me for it but I did not put the fork in his mouth (just like he didn't put the fork in mine).

I recently read a quote by Maya Angelou (I will be blogging about it later) but it reads, "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." Right now, I could not agree more.