What was I thinking ??!!

[Lookinupin2010 0]

For the past few days, I have been feeling a combination of depressed, angry, frustrated and very difficult for my family to live with. Fortunately they love me, and don't leave me. I probably would have left myself two days ago !!!

It occurred to me this morning...thank goodness for new days and new understandings...that I am being quite silly. What was it in the past that I want back? food is not the answer, because it was treated as something more than just food by me.

It was my (in my addicted behavioral mind) comfort when I felt unloved or misunderstood. It was my hobby (spent hours reading cookbooks and surfing the web for that perfect recipe that was going to make my family jump for joy. They never did, an occasional "That's good" would send me into joy land. It was I thought of pretty much most of the day in some way or another, but I don't ever recall thinking of it as fuel that my body needed. Isn't that what it really is. I made it my idol...my glory...my comfort...my identity.

The REAL problem is: my thinking caused me to perpetuate this endless cycle of feeling like I needed it...getting it...usually too much of it...feeling miserably uncomfortable...guilt...shame....asking God to forgive me (again and again)...causing more guilt and shame...thinking I'm hopless, and knowing that I was out of control but not being able to handle it on my own.

What a WONDERFUL tool I have been given. I can no longer overeat...I can no longer eat junk cause I need to give my body the best nutrition that I can with this small space that I now have...I no longer get so hungry that I 'white knuckle' till the next meal. WHAT ON EARTH DO I WANT FROM THAT PAST LIFE ??? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING...I HAVE THE ANSWER THAT I HAVE ALWAYS SOUGHT...GET OVER IT !!! It wasn't that great...it wasn't even good. My head has to now adjust to what my heart has always wanted. A healthy happy adjusted guiltfree ME !!!

[euphoric-in-tx 0]

Wow, that's really powerful. It's amazing how old habits feel like such a part of your identity. Good luck with your journey!

[Tiffykins 672]

Fabulous post ! ! !

Hey, and just to let you know I share your passion for cooking, and seeking that wonderful recipe. You know what I did to suffice that "need" or "desire"? I found fabulous recipes, and tweaked them to be more Protein based, less fat, and less carby. It's been amazing to see my family sing my praises about my food again without being upset that it's ground turkey LOL.

I literally have 11 recipe apps on my IPhone. Yes, I'm obsessed, but it keeps my mind occupied, and it feels amazing to convert that recipe over to a more nutritious meal.

[Catyroses 1]

Oh I hear you, Tiffy and Lookinup. My obsession is still there, I must say. Only it is so different now. I still think about food every day. And I remember vividly having dreams about food as I was recovering from surgery in the hospital. Very vivid, very sad, very obsessive narcotic-induced dreams. So strange. But so understandable, given my years-long addiction to food. And now, many weeks later and with a solid and effortless weekly weight loss under my belt, I have concluded that there is nothing wrong with liking food, liking flavors, liking to cook it up. What's different - aside from, the obvious restriction (oh thank you, God)- is that I am no longer STARVING for the damn food. So, also, thank you, Sleeve. And, thank you absence of Ghrelin. So while I think, in most afternoons, that I would like to have a yummy bit of fish or some other moist tidbit for dinner, I am not dying for that meal, racing home for that meal, or cooking two pounds of that meal for me. And on the weekend, truth be told, I really don't care anymore what I cook for my family so long as I can have a small amount of chicken or shrimp or some other thing that goes down easy and tastes wonderful. I love cottage cheese these days. I find Beans to be delightful. I am a cheese-a-holic now. Oh thank you, Sleeve. Thank you!

[sickofrollercoaster 7]

Great post! I am still dealing with the aftermath of fixing myself physically and working on the mental part to catch up! I have found that sugary stuff actually makes me physically ill now! I say that is a blessing cause I have always had a sweet tooth!

Keep up the great work, I have learned to take this journey one day at a time!

I think we all experience that buyer's remorse but it passes when we realize this is a blessing, not a curse!

[Lookinupin2010 0]

I hope I can remember this. I'm keeping a journal of my feelings that I'm working through. Something I can look back on and be thankful that I'm not in that stage of the journey any longer. Still just starting out though.