My broken relationship with food...

[citygal 0]

I promised myself I would tell the truth on here. I am struggling a bit. I have lost 28 pounds since my surgery and found that I was feeling good and not having any issue with my sleeve....but as soon as I started getting attention and compliments..I have found myself grazing and eating carbs as much as I can. I keep trying to fill what is obviously a hole in my heart/soul. I have now eaten to the point of pain a couple of times. I hate this. I am reading the new Geneen Roth book and it's triggering some thinking and feelings.

This is the lowest weight I have been in over 7 years and I've lost 75 pounds since 2007 but there is some wall I keep hitting.... I'm going to find a local therapist when I get back from the long weekend....My sleeve is NOT the issue...it's my addiction to food....

[Tiffykins 673]

I think it's great that you've recognized your triggers.

If you don't want to share with me publicly, please message me. But, do you feel like you're sabotaging yourself because you don't feel like you deserve to be happy, and "skinny" and/or you aren't worthy of the positive attention you're getting? I just want you to know I have struggled with this several times through my adult life especially the last year. I have not really shared it because really who wants to hear me talk about my self-doubt. But, I had to reign in my little "treats" because they were becoming daily treats because I could do it, and not see a gain. But, I realized quickly that not gaining weight is a great thing, but would that really help me resolve my inner demons with what I think I'm really worth? My issues don't really come from being fat, it's from what I was told as an adolescent, teenager and young adult. Ya know the whole alcoholic, abusive father stuff, he reminded me that I'd never amount to anything. So, it's left deep scars, but I found coping skills, and in my mind and heart I know that it's not true. It doesn't change that my dad told me that for years, and ruined my self-worth.

You'll be able to find new coping skills, and other things that bring you happiness. I've heard that book, if it's the Women, food and God book, is a fabulous read. But it can bring a lot of emotions to the forefront that we can't deny anymore. I've procrastinated in checking it out from the library, but maybe I need to get it.

If you ever wanna talk, message me.

[wannalise 16]

I was reading through that book tonight as well. I have felt myself having to deal with the day to day discomfort of life that I was accusotmed to dealing with by numbing myself with food, then being pissed that I had done that again! It is so difficult to develop a new relationship with food and even more so with yourself. I have also realized that I have always considered myself confident in most ways, but have some very ugly self talk about my shortcomings. This journey is going to be lifelong, but please know you aren't going it alone. Maybe we can learn to care for our bodies, and learn to love ourselves along the way. I am so glad that you are reaching out in these forums and to a therapist. You really need to give yourself a pat on the back that you aren't just focusing on the weight loss but on what got you here. You really are an inspiration.

[CraftyChristie 62]

I have been seeing a therapist who works specifically with food issues since November. She has helped me SO much. When I first decided on surgery, she wasn't sure what to think, but she came around to being fully supportive when she realized I am truly ready to do this. Working with her on my emotional eating problems has helped me be ready. Now I know I can really do this without hitting so many bumps in the road this time. I am going to be continuing to work with her post-op also, for any issues that come up for me. I highly recommend her so if you are interested, PM me and I'll give you her info. She does phone sessions all the time. :001_tongue:

[FreeToBeMe 2]

Me too. I am struggling with food addiction that did not go away with the surgery. It is a daily struggle between what I am supposed to eat and what my brain wants to eat for comfort. A perfect example, Monday I had to have my cat put down due to illness and I used that as an excuse to graze on Ben and Jerry's all day. I have lost a lot of weight since surgery but I feel that I would have lost more if my brain was on board with this new way of eating. I am waiting for that "magic pill" that changes brain chemistry!

I have been going to a great therapist and we have made progress but it seems that I am hardwired to want to eat for comfort since I have been doing it since I was a child. But I am not going to give up hope that my new way of eating post-op will replace the nagging need to comfort eat as I continue to feel stronger and healthier.

You are so not alone. All of us have food issues that did not go away with the surgery.

[citygal 0]

Thank you all for writing to me. I was away for the long weekend and didn't have a chance to respond. I am doing better but know this is going to be a constant battle for me. I am really trying to be "present" when it comes to my food and eating. I appreciate your support and promise I will continue to tell my truth on here.

[LAN2k 18]

Being "present" is key! I'm right there with you and any others that have this sort of self understanding. I find it so much better when I am conscious of my food and the manner in which I must eat it now post surgery. I love threads like this, they help me to not feel so isolated in my thinking.

[Lookinupin2010 0]

I too struggle with this. I don't know why, and maybe need to see a therapist but money is the issue right now. (husbands job went to Brazil and he was forced into early retirement.) Anyway, I realized this week, after I had eaten more than I should have one day that I NOW have to see food as fuel and not comfort !!!!! I was absolutely miserable for about an hour and at first started missing the way that I could comfort myself with food in the past. NOW.....I can't do that. Depression started sitting in, so I got on this website and started reading all the issues that we go through. We are all alike, we think of food as social, family, love, entertainment, hobby.....I could go on and on. But that isn't what food is for....it IS FUEL TO MAKE THE BODY GO !!!

I hope I can fully grasp this soon, and you too.

[LittleLottie 0]

I just logged in to search SPECIFICALLY for this topic!

I just finished Women, food, and God (by Geneen Roth) yesterday...and the emotions and fear coming up is not something I expected! But this is one of those books that I think, I HOPE, can truly open our hearts and help us find healing if we will let it.... The problem is, (and I'm sure many of you can relate) that my fear that without having food to numb the pain or provide an escape-life would be unbearable...that I wouldn't be able to cope...And this (illogical, ridiculous, destructive) fear sometimes overrides my deepest and most sincere desires to be healthy and maintain and a lean weight.

I got lapband in 07, and was very successful, losing over 100 pounds... (238 down to 132, currently 156) But I know I believed the "lie" or the illusion that once I was skinny, life would be easier to manage or deal with. (Cause skinny people don't have problems, right? Haha!) For a while, I even convinced myself that this was true.... I loved being a size 2-4. I loved the attention. I loved fitting into ANYTHING I tried on and looking great. BUT..... being thin didn't change how my parents saw me... it didn't make my father realize I'm a talented, successful woman and a great mother.... It didn't stop my husband from spiraling in his own terrible addiction which nearly killed him and almost destroyed our family. And it sure as hell didn't stop me from eating my weight in ice cream to numb the pain. IT WAS NOT A MAGIC PILL, it did not CURE the wounds and brokenness and did not make life easier to cope with.

My band is no longer working now. I had a dilation in November, and I think it has just continued to worsen, and I've gained 25 pounds! This has been terrifying, and incredibly frustrating. I've done HCG, Atkins, paleo, and liquid diets, and have joined a crossfit gym, working out harder than I EVER have in my life! But then I sabotage it and eat crap over a weekend or for birthdays, etc, so now, slowly, the weight has continued to pile onto my butt. And dieting in between my fits of emotional eating has just started me back on the hellish rollercoaster I had been on for 1/2 my life before getting the band. Some of this I weight I probably needed to gain, but 10-15 lbs of it is just stubborn fat from my impulsive choices... I feel like the fat is my punishment for being stupid, and my body retaliating from the years of not eating, rollercoastering, abusing it, and neglecting it. Now that I can eat more- it doesn't seem to matter WHAT I eat, I gain. (I joke with my husband that I could gain weight eating a carrot.)

I desperately want to get the sleeve- I wanted it MONTHS ago, but I know I also subconsciously believe that the sleeve will be the cure to my current situation... and it's irreversible.... so if I fail at the sleeve, like I am now failing with the band...then what? Am I going to have WLS revisions every five years for the rest of my life? Ah, I don't think so!!! I'VE GOT TO GET TO THE UNDERLYING ISSUES, otherwise they are just going to continue to fester and undermine anything I do. I've got to become whole with my relationship to food before a revision is an option.... I don't want to spend the rest of my life loving and fearing or hating and resenting every damn thing I put in my mouth. I want to be able to live like a "normal" person.

Ugh... why couldn't I just "switch" my food addiction to an exercise addiction, or a compulsive cleaning addiction....(sigh) Haha!

So those of you who feel you have conquered your food addictions, or needs to medicate/escape/numb with food.... how did you do it? What, specifically, did you do?

Thanks ladies! Have a great day!

[Maddie 9]

WOW, this thread really hits home. I'm not even sleeved yet, but on my liquid diet. 5 days of no food and I can really see how much of an emotional eater I am. For example, I had problems with my pc earlier today and the more frustrated I got, the more I thought about food. My pent up frustration got so bad that I had an argument with my husband, which he totally didn't deserve. I just kept thinking, if I could just eat something.... I'm finally past the actual hunger, it's just the comfort I crave. There's the real problem. What ever made us think we could find comfort in food. Shouldn't we be finding comfort, which is an emotion, from our faith or other people. That's why it never ends, because food is false, temporary comfort. It can NEVER really comfort us or solve the issues that drove us to it in the first place. But, I still want it!