I want to stop loosing now

[Tiffykins 672]

Carolyn, I'm still with you on this one.

I still see myself as too small, and I do not like seeing or feeling my shoulder bones popping out from under my skin, nor do I like that my ribs stick up more than my boobs do when I lay on my back. I know that I'm in a healthy weight range for my height, but that doesn't mean I'm happy with how I'm looking.

My a$$ is literally non-existent. My knees are knobby now. I don't mind my skinny neck and collarbones sticking out, but the fact that nearly half of spine is protruding through my skin is quite disgusting. I'm still waiting for my remaining fat to redistribute some more. I had a friend hug me last week, and when she patted and rubbed the top of myback in between my shoulder blades, she flinched in shock. Now, talk about embarrassing, and really shocking when she asked me "are you not able to eat? Your bones are sticking out of your back, and I can feel them, what's goin on with you?" She knows about my surgery, she's been fabulous for the last 11 months since we met, but now she's freaked out. Imagine a friend actually flinching when she hugs you, I almost broke down in tears.

Maybe I am used to seeing myself fat, but I do know that I am 120 times more critical of myself naked now than I ever was at 270lbs. I have no curves left, no hips, no boobs. Don't get me wrong, I am told all the time that I look amazing, but that doesn't change the way I see myself at 122lbs. I'm getting back on the workout wagon for the upteenth time, but I figure I'll build some more muscle and maybe that will help do something to make me feel better about how I look naked. My mother-in-law saw me at Thanksgiving at 165ish pounds, I think. We sent her some new pics, and her reply was "I don't want to hurt your feelings, but Tiff, you're looking sickly. Please take care of yourself." Hell, she called John to make sure I was eating. He assured her I was fine, but it doesn't make it any better.

Sorry to hijack your thread with my venting. I'm only 5'2" at 122lbs, and I've tried to gain. I can't get above 125lbs. I also freak out when I hit 125lbs, it's a complete mind twist, and I'm trying my best to adjust. There's only so much my mind, heart, and body can endure in a year. I'm not pushing it with trying to just accept how I look at this point, and be content when deep down, I know people think I look sick, and flinch when they feel my bones sticking through my skin. I don't like, and I'm not going to pretend it's easy.

[Jane_J 117]

Hi Tiff, sorry you are having a hard time. I don't think we factor in the mind adjustments when we start this journey. But it's still better to be thin and alive rather than obese and disabled/dead IMHO. Peple will get used to the new you, as you will too. And you are still the same warm and lovely girl inside hun.

Jane x

[Tiffykins 672]

Jane, you're 100% correct. I prepared as much as I could for most of this, just some of this is going to take more time. . .

My brain has caught up with my size, I don't see the fat girl anymore. My eyes just don't like what they are literally seeing, well my brain doesn't like the images that my eyes are relaying at this point.

I'll get there. I'll be nip tucking it here in the next couple of years. I have zero shame in admitting it. I want my boobs back, I want my stomach to look somewhat normal again. But, it can wait, and during that time, I'll adjust.

I go to my dermatologist on the 19th, and getting a referral for a little botox doc down here. I'm seriously contemplating it for my deep set forehead wrinkles.

[Jane_J 117]

Tiffykins, I will get some plastics done next year god willing. Boobs and tummy.

I finally managed to kick the PPIs BTW, it took 2-3 weeks before it became OK. Gaviscon was my best friend. Are you still taking them?

Jane x

[carolyn24seven 11]

Jane, thank you. I like the web site. Wonder if they ship free to USA? I will have to give it a try.

Now I know where Aylesbury, Bucks is located! I thought you were in Pennsylvania. (bucks county) this site is so amazing for all the people all over the world!

LOVE IT!

[Tiffykins 672]

Tiffykins, I will get some plastics done next year god willing. Boobs and tummy.

I finally managed to kick the PPIs BTW, it took 2-3 weeks before it became OK. Gaviscon was my best friend. Are you still taking them?

Jane x

Yeppers, I'm still on Prilosec. I just had my 1yr f/u with my surgeon. We discussed it in depth. He agreed that I could stay on it until I'm comfortable with weaning off of it. He told me to go to one pill every other day and then 1 pill every 3 days etc when I'm ready to wean. He doesn't want me to deal with reflux or any issues with my sleeve. I think he's just as protective of my sleeve as I am.

For now, I'm still on them, and have enough meds for the next 9 months. My next follow up is in December, and we'll revisit the PPI issue at that time.