First off this is about the hardest thing for me to write and so embarrrassing and I'm so ashamed beyond belief, if you all only knew how I feel inside. I need help. I will be 11 months post op on May 13th and I've lost 65 lbs, yay for me, yes I'm excited about my loss, wish it was more but it is what it is. I'm proud of it. A little about my background, for the last 4 yrs I've gone thru a separation then divorce from my highschool sweetheart of a 25 yr marriage that nearly drove me to suicide, litterally. It broke my heart, still does on some days and after he left me I ate and ate and ate and gained 35 to 40 lbs that made my decision to have surgery because I could hardly walk at 294 lbs and 5'2". Oh God this is so hard to admit. I'm getting there folks. Anyway, I lived on my own for a couple of yrs till it came to the point to where I couldn't afford to make ends meet on alimony alone (haven't worked in 14 yrs and no one will hire me) so I had to move in with my 74 yr old mom, humbly I accepted, me and my little Dachshund moved right in storing all my household furniture and my life as I knew it in a storage unit. Then I had surgery June 13, 2012, all went well except for the first 6 months I was sick with vomiting and nausea due to gallstones and gallbladder, most of you already knew that tho, then on Dec 3rd I had my gallbladder removed, healed from that, now all is good. Here's the confession, here goes. I closet eat as if I'm getting away with something when I do it. When my mom takes her shower at night I go to the pantry and grab whatever, 1 or 2 Cookies, a Fiber one bar, a couple of marshmellows, a skinny cow pack of chocolates candy and dispose of evidence so that she doesn't find out. I'm crying as I type this because I'm so ashamed and now I'm telling you all. The food tastes so good to me and I can't leave it alone and it seems to be sweets that trigger it. I only lose about 2 lbs a month when I see my surgeon each month for a fill but this past time which was last week I went in for a fill and wanted one but he didn't want to give me one, he thought I was in the green zone. Yes I stay full for approx 4 hrs but there are times and I told him this that I feel that I could eat more than a cup worth of food, I choose not to but could. I'm having a hard time getting Protein in or at least 60 to 70 grms of protein in a day, no where near that for me. When I get up in the mornings I want something sweet like honey nut cheerios or oatmeal or fiber one fruit bar. I just feel like I'm failing at this all of the sudden.

Thanks for listening

Donna

You are a very courageous person to put your story out there. You have been through a lot (understatement of the year!) and I hope that the doctor can help you overcome the problems that you are facing. If you are considering myfitnesspal I recommend it wholeheartedly! I use it every day and there are TONS of banded people on there to be friends with who will encourage you EVERY DAY!! I'm Ericnorth25 on there if you set one up I'd love to be your friend! There are threads on here full of people who would love to be your friend as well! Logging every fit item helps me to be accountable for what I eat because 1 I know everyone can see it, 2 if I don't log it I feel bad for lying to everyone. Good luck with whatever you choose! I'm rooting for you!!!

Hello donna.

First of all let me start by telling you this- You are a brave and wonderful woman. I have absolutely nothing but the utmost respect for you. Your opening up like this takes courage and guts that most people on the planet do not possess. DO NOT EVER DOUBT THAT YOU ARE A BRAVE AND AMAZING PERSON!!!!!

Life is exactly that. Life. It has its ups' date=' and its downs. And right now you are in a down. God I want to just go give you a big hug right now. What you are going through is so hard. And you have more courage than most people I know.

And for sake of honesty I will share my story. I used to be a very happy person. But much like you I had things happen that totally put me in a not so great place. My wife came to me asking for me to help her parents by taking them in. Financially they were having issues. I fought it and fought it until I finally wore down and caved. So now I take in her parents, and it just starts going bad. They complain about everything. They fight me about everything. Its a disaster. I tried to explain to my wife the problems that would come with it but she didnt want to see it. Her sister soon starts having problems in her marriage. We come to find out that she has been stepping out on her husband. Not having affairs mind you, but going on line and setting up meeting spots with strangers. Husband found out and ofcourse it didnt end well. ( I want it known that I in no way judge her for any choices she made. She is her own person and has to answer to no one other than herself). So now they seperate. And where does she go to? Her family of course. So now I have her move in. Its an ugly seperation. But unfortunately it didnt last long. Two months into it she called me and said he didnt go to work or show up for his visit with his daughter. And I knew instantly. I told her to stay home, and i went to his house. I found his body that afternoon.

So now I have my sister in law and her beautiful daughter living with me as well. ( not to mention her dog and three cats that did not yet take to my dog and two cats or my mother in laws dog. Yep, Its a zoo) One week to the day my father in law passed. I felt horrible for my son. At the age of 10 he lost his favorite uncle and his POP POP. The grandfather. I will never forget the words coming out of his mouth. " Dad, why is everyone I know dying?" it was heart breaking. And having to discuss and explain suicide to a 10 year old is truly one of the hardest moments of my life. Now top this off with my mother. She has been sick for a few years with a mental illness. Which ended with her being committed after a few failed suicide attempts. My life really is a soap opera.

So I started failing on my diet as well. Stopped going to the doctor. Stopped watching what i was eating. And started to gain back weight. I was a miserable person. My marriage was taking hits left and right. And i realized I wasnt even living anymore. Just existing. I didnt want to go home. There were nights I'd just sit in my car, numb. I felt lost. And really just, well lost is a good way to describe it. I was not suicidal. I just wasnt really living.

I decided one day that I really needed to get my life together. I heard something that really struck me. CHANGE THE WAY YOU LOOK AT THINGS AND THE THINGS YOU LOOK AT CHANGE. I'm not sure why it struck me so hard, but it did. And I realized that it was only me holding myself back. That only I was responsible for myself. And that if I didnt fix my life nobody else would. And it is at that moment I started to live. I went back on my diet. I started to see and find joy in things. I felt better and started smiling more.

Things at home havent really changed much. Some nights its good, and some nights its bad. The way I see it if the better nights out number the worse, you're doing ok. I started to feel happy again.

I made a few new friends. And one in particular really impacted me. This person opened my eyes to just how happy life could be. How special life is, and how to live again. How to be accountable. How not to judge. How there are people out there that care about others and not just themselves. I will always be indebted to that person for helping me in a time of need.

Donna, you are not alone in this. I know you feel lost. But you must remember that you are not alone. There is a strong support staff here. Wonderful people that will always be there and support you. You MUST talk to your doctor about all of this. About everything. They are only there to help you. I also can not stress this enough. You need to see a doctor about your stress issues. Your personal problems. I have had to deal with five suicides in the last 2 years, as well as some failed attempts. Depression is a very real and very dangerous thing. I implore you to seek some professional help. Your eating issues are purely a mental coping mechanism. Please seek some help. It is a dangerous area to go into without the help of true trained professionals. I am not one. I am a police officer who has just seen this one too many times. I plead with you. Talk to your doctor.

Donna, thank you for having the courage to post your message. You will not be judged by us. EVER. And you are not alone. You can do this!!!!!![/quote']

Wow!!!!! I don't really know what to say I just read your story an miss Donna as well an this really goes to show other people that just when you think that your life or world seems to be turned upside down there are others feeling the same situations . I was in tears reading these post but I have to just say that I am a Christian person as well but sometimes it seems like nothing for you will get better FAITH is hard to live by because things happen on Gods terms not ours. An trust me I have had my fair share of family issues mostly with my 2 oldest boys who unfortunate got mixed up with the drug called METH that tore me to pieces almost haD a nervous breakdown, they are better now but meth is a destructive drug. ( never used drugs but seem the outcome)

I pray that things will get better for both of you mentally an physically . I know that this forum was about an eating issue an sorry for getting off course but I ReSPecTfuLllY admire you both for telling your story this takes alot of courage to put out to many strangers unknowing the response you will receive !!! Prayers to you both an big big (( HUGS)) .........

to fail means quit, give up, eat and say f**k it and keep eating

like elcee said, lighten up on yourself no one is perfect

no food is off limits..you are losing,,,,,so what if its 2 or 3 or whatever pounds..as long as you are losing, who cares how long it takes you...

ps: i splurge once a week on something i want and then i am right back on my healthy lap band life........hang in there...

My thoughts on your post / topic is: PLEASE know that you are NOT alone in your struggles.

I firmly believe we ALL have some form of addiction in our lives. For some people, it is gambling, drugs. For ME, it is food.

I was estranged from my daughter fro 12 years, and my drug of choice was F-O-O-D. . . this is one of the reasons I gained so much weight.

It is certainly easier to gain than lose; HANG IN THERE ----> sending hugs your way

wow, the outpouring of friendship on here is overwhelming, I don't know how to process it. I have felt the love all day long from you guys because I finally got the courage up to confess to my mom what had been going on while she showers and she laughed lightly and said "I saw the cookie jar getting empty, I didn't know when you were eating them, here or there or how many but I saw them disappearing". With that said, I was in food jail tonight during her shower, I sat there and we talked about our day and laughed and talked while she showered, please don't think its weird, we are very close, she's my best friend, my rock and has been there for me during my divorce, my lap band surgery and sheesh, held the family together when my daddy passed away 11 yrs ago. She's an inspiration, this weekend is dedicated to her on this Mother's Day and let me extend a Happy Mother's Day to all of you out there. I'm not a mother, never was able to have children. But going back to my eating issues, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders by telling her, whew. Now to see a new shrink on Monday.

To Countrygrl, thank you for sharing your story about your sons and I'm happy they have overcome their addiction. I think no matter the source, whether it be food, alcohol, drugs, addiction is addiction and it is hard to overcome. Kudos to them. I myself have never seen or been around drugs so I do not know how hard it must be but I am familiar with alcoholism. I was married for 25 yrs and the watched my ex husband become an alcoholic the last 3 yrs of our marriage due to a high stress job. He still is an alcoholic today. I would love nothing more than to call the show Intervention on A&E and enter him in it, he needs help but then I think of myself with food, I'm no different. But he does need help. Anyhoo off subject, sorry. Keep the faith lady! Be blessed.

Donna

Hey Donna,

I wish I could give you a big ol hug right now!! I eat a cookie every time I argue with my co-worker. I can step out of my body and "see myself" with the cookie and "know" what I'm doing isn't logical. Thank God for the pre-surgery psychological evaluation!

I left this board for a while (things were going great) but I'm on life's rocky road again. Your post showed me I'm not alone. Thanks so very much for sharing!!!

Good morning Donna,

Struggles and less (sometimes way less lol) than ideal choices will occur and our response and ability to continue forward doing our best, accepting that as good enough, is an action shared by the "successful" in the weight loss world.

The 3 pillars to weight loss and maintenance of a healthy lifestyle are: food PLAN - sleep - EXERCISE

I will leave the food plan to you and your nutritionist, just know that MANY studies show that things like sugar/simple carb can effect key hormones that drive hunger and spike cravings assisting in keeping our brains in food crazy mode.

SLEEP - you are already probably aware that sleep and lack of will up the increase of cortisol which in turns causes the body to "hold onto" and "store" more fat, as well as increase hunger. My experience w/people that aren't getting "enough" sleep (8 hrs - most would agree 6/7 will work) is they say have tried but ... Fill in the blank. What I have found is that usually people try to increase their sleep by going to bed earlier. This fails because they just look at the ceiling and don't sleep and that's even worse ! THE KEY is NOT going to bed earlier it IS getting up earlier. If a person gets up out of bed and gets moving at 5am (earlier if needed) EVERY day (yes weekends too) without fail for two weeks THEN they will go to bed earlier and sleep. This works with 8 out of 10 people I work with on average.

EXERCISE - Several studies show that exercise dramatically effects mood and our choices and we now know that it's actually changing the brain - adding brain cells - "bumping up" the Prefrontal cortex (PFC) the area of the brain "in charge" of moderation and impulses. So, even if you discount the calorie burning, muscle building, increased flexibility/balance and increased BONE DENSITY benefits of exercise and just focus on how it increases our brains ability to help us "do the things we want to do" like NOT jumping up and grabbing a handful of almonds (in my case) or Cereal bar (in your case) when "no one is looking" - it's still clear exercise is the pathway to freedom.

Conveniently we can accomplish two of the three key pillars at once... LUCKY US ; ) exercise early in the morning will assist sleep and get the crucial exercise and "brain" work to start the day. As far as what exercise and how much how often... Blend of strength training versus cardio etc... That's a discussion for another time. I will say that it should be 6 days a week - 7 days in the early stages and regardless of how broken our bodies are safe effective exercise can be accomplished.

Good luck - I hope you take the path to free your mind & body : )

Hope in Your Future is Power in Your Present!

Lee

280lbs Lost - All Diseases Reversed

Love reading you truthful story Donna! I'm being banded for 4 days now and my problems with food started when I was young. I have a really healthy and fit family, but somehow I started to fill a lot of holes with food. I'm really grateful and blessed newlywed to a wonderful Christian man and he knows how much I suffered hiding myself in the bathroom or in the closet to just eat so he didn't notice it. I felt I was lying to him and to God, and I cried and I prayed for a new chance, and here I'm am! Just banded and so excited starting my new life. I know that I may want to eat those things again, but I want to go out of the closet and just enjoy one cookie instead of the whole box, is going to be hard, and I may failed, but the good think about life is that you have a new opportunity to start over every new sunrise god bless you! And you are not alone in this journey!

Hello donna.

First of all let me start by telling you this- You are a brave and wonderful woman. I have absolutely nothing but the utmost respect for you. Your opening up like this takes courage and guts that most people on the planet do not possess. DO NOT EVER DOUBT THAT YOU ARE A BRAVE AND AMAZING PERSON!!!!!

Life is exactly that. Life. It has its ups, and its downs. And right now you are in a down. God I want to just go give you a big hug right now. What you are going through is so hard. And you have more courage than most people I know.

And for sake of honesty I will share my story. I used to be a very happy person. But much like you I had things happen that totally put me in a not so great place. My wife came to me asking for me to help her parents by taking them in. Financially they were having issues. I fought it and fought it until I finally wore down and caved. So now I take in her parents, and it just starts going bad. They complain about everything. They fight me about everything. Its a disaster. I tried to explain to my wife the problems that would come with it but she didnt want to see it. Her sister soon starts having problems in her marriage. We come to find out that she has been stepping out on her husband. Not having affairs mind you, but going on line and setting up meeting spots with strangers. Husband found out and ofcourse it didnt end well. ( I want it known that I in no way judge her for any choices she made. She is her own person and has to answer to no one other than herself). So now they seperate. And where does she go to? Her family of course. So now I have her move in. Its an ugly seperation. But unfortunately it didnt last long. Two months into it she called me and said he didnt go to work or show up for his visit with his daughter. And I knew instantly. I told her to stay home, and i went to his house. I found his body that afternoon.

So now I have my sister in law and her beautiful daughter living with me as well. ( not to mention her dog and three cats that did not yet take to my dog and two cats or my mother in laws dog. Yep, Its a zoo) One week to the day my father in law passed. I felt horrible for my son. At the age of 10 he lost his favorite uncle and his POP POP. The grandfather. I will never forget the words coming out of his mouth. " Dad, why is everyone I know dying?" it was heart breaking. And having to discuss and explain suicide to a 10 year old is truly one of the hardest moments of my life. Now top this off with my mother. She has been sick for a few years with a mental illness. Which ended with her being committed after a few failed suicide attempts. My life really is a soap opera.

So I started failing on my diet as well. Stopped going to the doctor. Stopped watching what i was eating. And started to gain back weight. I was a miserable person. My marriage was taking hits left and right. And i realized I wasnt even living anymore. Just existing. I didnt want to go home. There were nights I'd just sit in my car, numb. I felt lost. And really just, well lost is a good way to describe it. I was not suicidal. I just wasnt really living.

I decided one day that I really needed to get my life together. I heard something that really struck me. CHANGE THE WAY YOU LOOK AT THINGS AND THE THINGS YOU LOOK AT CHANGE. I'm not sure why it struck me so hard, but it did. And I realized that it was only me holding myself back. That only I was responsible for myself. And that if I didnt fix my life nobody else would. And it is at that moment I started to live. I went back on my diet. I started to see and find joy in things. I felt better and started smiling more.

Things at home havent really changed much. Some nights its good, and some nights its bad. The way I see it if the better nights out number the worse, you're doing ok. I started to feel happy again.

I made a few new friends. And one in particular really impacted me. This person opened my eyes to just how happy life could be. How special life is, and how to live again. How to be accountable. How not to judge. How there are people out there that care about others and not just themselves. I will always be indebted to that person for helping me in a time of need.

Donna, you are not alone in this. I know you feel lost. But you must remember that you are not alone. There is a strong support staff here. Wonderful people that will always be there and support you. You MUST talk to your doctor about all of this. About everything. They are only there to help you. I also can not stress this enough. You need to see a doctor about your stress issues. Your personal problems. I have had to deal with five suicides in the last 2 years, as well as some failed attempts. Depression is a very real and very dangerous thing. I implore you to seek some professional help. Your eating issues are purely a mental coping mechanism. Please seek some help. It is a dangerous area to go into without the help of true trained professionals. I am not one. I am a police officer who has just seen this one too many times. I plead with you. Talk to your doctor.

Donna, thank you for having the courage to post your message. You will not be judged by us. EVER. And you are not alone. You can do this!!!!!!

I am very proud of you sharing your family's stories. Thank you. You're a wonderful person for taking everyone in. No one ever knows about the Grass is not always greener on the other side, part. I am happy you have a new friend who is helping you.

I help take care of MIL (90), my mother (almost 95 & in nursing home), brother (68) who lost 1/2 his brain from measles at 8 months and a husband who has many health issues. I try to stay happy and some days I lose it but not by eating, stress never made me eat. I scream and swear, weird, how everyone handles stress differently.

Have a wonderful day. Maybe bring your wife out for 'date night' or night out at a hotel, even if down the street and it may help the 2 of you reconnect. Maybe take your son away for a day, alone without the rest of the family.

You're a wonderful and caring person, thank you.

Donna, I can relate Literally I was banded in 09, lost 70 lbs and also got divorced, gained it all + back. 4/2012 was MY YEAR I restarted, Lost 70 lbs AGAIN and am 20 lbs from goal. YOUR never a FAILURE!! the above posts have allot of great advise especially talking to a therapist to get to the root of the issues with eating. Sometimes all we need is a little HELP.

Stay Strong

Hi everyone

I logged in after a long time, because I've concluded that I cannot deal with my regain and "failure" on my own any more... I need the support of others who have an idea of what might be going on with me.

I've been reading a lot of stories from lot of members who each think individually and for various reasons that they are in the pits. I'm not one of them. I read these stories above crying silently and thanking the One Above for my wonderful life. I really have nothing to complain about - and now I see that my downfall is old bad habits and a lax attitude towards discipline due to success (which eroded said success slowly...).

The reason of my posting is this: I want to thank you all for opening up and sharing. I'm sure you already feel the benefit of support and love, but please know this: you are also educators for us all! I'm afraid that this will sound selfish and self-centred, but reading you genuinely heartbreaking stories (and wishing you all the best!!!) I can't help but re-evaluate my own problems in a very healthy light: my problems are minute and in my control (I'm the proud owner of a well-adjusted band) and now I feel strong enough to tackle them in that manner.

You are all so strong, showing us how much a human being can bear, and putting our lives into real perspective.

Thank you for being such an inspiration for carrying on and doing my best!

God bless you!

Kris

Hi everyone

I logged in after a long time, because I've concluded that I cannot deal with my regain and "failure" on my own any more... I need the support of others who have an idea of what might be going on with me.

I've been reading a lot of stories from lot of members who each think individually and for various reasons that they are in the pits. I'm not one of them. I read these stories above crying silently and thanking the One Above for my wonderful life. I really have nothing to complain about - and now I see that my downfall is old bad habits and a lax attitude towards discipline due to success (which eroded said success slowly...).

The reason of my posting is this: I want to thank you all for opening up and sharing. I'm sure you already feel the benefit of support and love, but please know this: you are also educators for us all! I'm afraid that this will sound selfish and self-centred, but reading you genuinely heartbreaking stories (and wishing you all the best!!!) I can't help but re-evaluate my own problems in a very healthy light: my problems are minute and in my control (I'm the proud owner of a well-adjusted band) and now I feel strong enough to tackle them in that manner.

You are all so strong, showing us how much a human being can bear, and putting our lives into real perspective.

Thank you for being such an inspiration for carrying on and doing my best!

God bless you!

Kris

Hi Donna,

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You have been through an awful lot and it sounds like you may be just trying to cope emotionally.

I would definitely take the advice of others who've encouraged you to go to your doctor. If you're eating as a coping mechanism there is surely someone he can refer you to for some help with that.

I remember when I went to my seminar and the doctor mentioned that tackling obesity had to come from all different angles if you truly want to conquer it. That is why many weight loss surgeons have dietitians and psychiatrists in their offices.

Once you get yourself the help you need to stop eating as a coping mechanism, you'll be on your way to finding your next Prince Charming and moving out of your mom's house.

Just do the things you need to do and you will prevail!

i so appreciate your honesty. I get tired of reading about people who don't struggle and reading what you wrote makes me feel like i am not alone. I too am a closet eater and struggle every day. i have more good days than bad but we have to be forgiving of ourselves. no one is perfect and to do this "perfectly" is not real. we struggle and some days we will succeed. hang in there. I was banded in March, 2013 so i am new to this. i have only lost 17 pounds and have had to bite, scratch and kick to get every one of those pounds off. becasue i cheat and struggle continuously with food issues. I am an emotional eater and am under considerable stress. But we will persevere.

I feel for you for sure, sometimes food is the only hug we get , the little bit of a warm blanket we need, don't be ashamed try to change the behaviour maybe distract with something you enjoy to keep your hands busy until it passes . Food is a hard addiction to break , hugs to you I've been there