male only Unsupportive Wife

[runrunpasspunt 5]

First of all, I love my wife. She does not yet know that i have decided to have the lapband procedure. I have brought the subject up but she quickly dismisses it. She doesn't understand (she has never had a problem with her weight) and she is not interested in listening to me. Part of this is my fault because of all the diets i have been on and failed. When i talk about the lapband she says stuff like "just excersize more and eat less." While that is something i need to do, it is not that simple.

My wife also can' t keep a secret. I can't tell her anything i would like kept confidential because she tells her aunt, mother and sister everything. They are not people i want to know about what i am doing. They are not always positive influences.

I am moving forward without my wife's support. I feel bad that i have to do this alone but i know i can do it and when the time is right, i will tell her, i just need to be prepared to deal with all the side show crap that will come from her side of our family.

Thanks for listening. Any help is appreciated!

[Sycaylor 6]

Good Luck to you in going through this. We as a group will be here to support you as much as you need.

My doctor insisted that we bring a family member to all appointments and even had a form to be signed by the spouse/family member. Your's may have a similar conditional form.

My insurance company had a bunch of hoops for us to jump through before they would approve the surgery. I'm sure at some point during this process your wife will see that you are serious and will give you the support you need. As for telling her family, don't worry about that. They are sure to notice anyway so they might as well know from the beginning.

Good Luck to you.

Shirley Caylor

Hot Springs AR

[☠carolinagirl☠ 18,722]

your not alone, you have this forum to help

but you will have to let her know eventually and then the family will know

we cant change what people say or think or do. but we can handle how we

let it affect us.

i wish you all the luck in the world.

[Sojourner 2,446]

While I was still in active private practice, I was working with a couple who had numerous issues...and the decision of the husband to move forward with band surgery without the wife's "blessing" actually ended up causing the couple to divorce. Let me stress the point though...they had other significant issues.

The reality is that when you live with someone, and are in a committed relationship, they will discover the truth whether or not you want to "keep it a secret". It could also end up causing some additional issues further down the road. You will also need someone who will be able to drive you to and from surgery...and how would you explain your incisions?

My husband is extremely supportive of my choice to regain some of my health, but has also shared that he hates the diet I need to follow now. It's been a major adjustment for both of us.

Try to consider how you would feel if your wife kept something this important and life altering a "secret" from you? What does that say about the component of trust which is supposed to be in a marriage?

I think it's important to have your wife be a part of your journey...do your best to have her get involved with your pre op journey, and help her learn more about why you want this confidentiality and would like to have her emotional support.

It's your choice, however the likelihood of you successfully keeping this a secret from her is unrealistic. Keeping secrets in a relationship is not a healthy relationship dynamic.

Best wishes...

[blackcadillacs5 62]

I had a similar experience with my girlfriend...she said she felt "like I wasnt going to end up doing it". It quickly changed when I took her to the initial LapBand Meetings and started the prep work. Perhaps the same will happen to you, regardless you are doing this for you and that is what counts. Eventually they should come around.

[ElleG 394]

That's tough, but you have us. I hope your wife comes around your going to need that support. Best wishes

[SageTracey 608]

I hope you can find a way to get your wife on board with you on this because her support can make the difference between failure and success - both with the band and your marriage! I was hesitant to raise it with my husband, even after my GP suggested I look into the band. Then my husband raised it with me because, in his words, he was afraid I would become crippled or die because of my weight and he wanted me around for a long time.

Fortunately he has been my biggest champion throughout this entire journey, even to the point of taking adult swim lessons so we could swim together. We cycle, dance and walk together, we eat healthily together, and I can always count on him when the road gets bumpy! Could I have done this without him? Maybe. Would I have been as successful (63kg 139lb)? I don't think so. Would our marriage have grown stronger if I had done this without his support and blessing? Definitely not!

[NoMoBand 278]

Wow, that's tough!! I was very lucky that my wife supported me 100%. On the other hand I had 2/3 sons that were totally against me going forward. My sons are now very supportive, but, it took awhile. I understand why you don't want others to know. Opinions are broad, especially from loved ones.

Just my 2 cents and only my opinion. I do have to agree with Sojourner's comments concerning your wife, trust and marriage. In addition to what she posted I will add my opinions and please take them as just opinions. As you already have heard that this is a life changing decision and I'm not just talking about the weight loss and health. This will affect both yourself and your wife's life and marriage, in both good and bad. Starting your band journey without your wife's input and yes permission will cause hard feelings and insecurities. Think of it this way, if you went and purchased a new house on your own and did it without your wife's input and approval........... When I say life changes, here are a few examples. You will have physical and mental good days and bad days and you will need your primary support system whom is your wife and you do need her by your side. Your diet and eating habits will change tremendously and if your wife cooks she will have to be sensitive to what you can and can't eat. When the weight loss becomes very noticeable she will possibly feel insecure. Trust me you will get attention. You will need someone to talk to when you are scared out of your wits due to stuck episodes, fills, PB's etc. Whom better than a supportive spouse.

I would have a heart to heart talk with her and take her to one of the seminars and a doctors appointment. As far as others opinions, I would ask her to keep it quiet until closer to your surgery date. All the negative opinions will change - trust me, unless they become jealous of you. If you wish to talk some more send me a pm. Good luck. Jake

[Daddyof4 95]

Hey Runrunpasspunt, I just wanted to add my support to the others' good advice. It took me a few years from broaching the subject with my wife (and doctor) to her going to the seminar with me and having her questions answered. If you can get your wife at least a little bit on board to go with you to find out why we have the surgery and what the benefits are and why the cycle of diet/exercise/regain more than you lost needs to be broken and how the lapband can do that.

Good luck, hang in there and remember that your reason for getting banded is so you can be here a good long time.

[runrunpasspunt 5]

My wife and I have talked more, she only wants the best for me. We know someone who died with complications from wls (not lapband). She is scared, I don't blame her. I think everything is going to be ok, I need to make sure I do a better job of explaining the what & why 's of lapband

[CHEZNOEL 4,061]

Try Jeanne's book, Bandwagon! It is great and you should both read it before you start!

[TexasJeff 179]

I'm going to be a rough but I've got to say it.

So, you are obese and your wife doesn't support your effort to get a tool to help you to take control of your life??? Wonder what her thoughts will be when she calls 911 when that heart attack comes. Or, how will she treat you when you go blind from diabetes??? How 'bout when the doctor tells you they will have to amputate your foot because of diabetes???

Terrible thoughts I know but they are real for the obese. I was going stinking blind as a result of diabetes and obesity.

Put on you big boy britches, call the whole family in and tell them DAMMIT I'M DOING THIS BECAUSE I WANT TO LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

We only have one life, make the most of it. You are like the rest of us here, we sat and watched. Well, I did a 12.2 mile 20 obstacle course 1 year from surgery. I'm not sitting on the sidelines anymore.

[TexasJeff 179]

I'm going to be a rough but I've got to say it.

So, you are obese and your wife doesn't support your effort to get a tool to help you to take control of your life??? Wonder what her thoughts will be when she calls 911 when that heart attack comes. Or, how will she treat you when you go blind from diabetes??? How 'bout when the doctor tells you they will have to amputate your foot because of diabetes???

Terrible thoughts I know but they are real for the obese. I was going stinking blind as a result of diabetes and obesity.

Put on you big boy britches, call the whole family in and tell them DAMMIT I'M DOING THIS BECAUSE I WANT TO LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

We only have one life, make the most of it. You are like the rest of us here, we sat and watched. Well, I did a 12.2 mile 20 obstacle course 1 year from surgery. I'm not sitting on the sidelines anymore.

[TexasJeff 179]

I'm going to be a rough but I've got to say it.

So, you are obese and your wife doesn't support your effort to get a tool to help you to take control of your life??? Wonder what her thoughts will be when she calls 911 when that heart attack comes. Or, how will she treat you when you go blind from diabetes??? How 'bout when the doctor tells you they will have to amputate your foot because of diabetes???

Terrible thoughts I know but they are real for the obese. I was going stinking blind as a result of diabetes and obesity.

Put on you big boy britches, call the whole family in and tell them DAMMIT I'M DOING THIS BECAUSE I WANT TO LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

We only have one life, make the most of it. You are like the rest of us here, we sat and watched. Well, I did a 12.2 mile 20 obstacle course 1 year from surgery. I'm not sitting on the sidelines anymore.

[Ric 89]

After My exwife and I separtated, she went through LapBand surgery without my knowledge I found out because of an insurance statement I recieved a few weeks later, although we was on Tricare at the time she did not need my signature. When I went through the procedure last year we was still married and I did not need her permission either.. I guess it depends on what state or insurance company you are in.