Struggling with my (self-affirming) principles.

[AlgernonAnon 4]

I've read up on how our ideals of body type and shape of women are so often imposed ideals of a patriarchal society, how those ideals torment women and marginalize people. I've touted those ideas since I was in middle school, however fumbling my efforts were. I had been excluded for being fat and odd since grade school, and developed a dislike for the mainstream early on (starting with the popular girls of course.) I made friends with the freaks, geeks, and goths my whole life, I love them. I love the underdog, the misfit toys, the goonies. The code was always to be who you are and Celebrate it. When I discovered I was a lesbian as well, I was already two steps ahead.

I worked to develop pride for myself as I was, I tried to err on the healthier side, but I didn't want to diet anymore. I was tired of the struggle, I AM tired of the struggle. But I was offered a very generous opportunity from my family. I am willing to take it. Chubby is one thing, but my doctor has been bringing up my weight. I'm in my twenties and my knees and ankles hurt at times. I know I can succeed with the helping factors that the procedure provides.

I can't imagine being on the other side, though. I feel like I'm being given the option to change my ethnicity. I know this is more about health than anything (how would you get insurance to help otherwise) and there IS more to me than my BBW status, (I love indie films and reading). Yet, people like Rosie O' Donnel (before the drama) and Uncle candy, Tracy from (the original) Hairspray, these were the people I identified with. I watched Heavyweights multiple times as a kid. I feel like I'm turning my back on the people who helped me feel good about myself when I was young.

Did anyone else struggle with these sort of feelings?

[roadtodescent 0]

Hi!

Yes yes yes! I do. To everything you just wrote. I just got banded last week, and a part of me struggles with:

1. How will people view me now, I have always been the sweet fat girl

2. how will I view me now?

3. How will my fat community view me now?

I know I am turning my back on the body positivity movement, and falling into the social structures placed on women, and part of me feels like I am taking feminism/body issues two steps back, but another part of me just wants to shake the years of insecurity and self-loathing that I hide under makeup and a warm personality. I deserve to feel so proud of who I am, and not only for the things I have done, but also for the way I look. It's true that I am a sell-out and that feels shitty but. I deserve to feel good.

God knows it's hard enough being queer in the world.

I don't know it that helps at all, but know you are not alone! take care, j

http://roadtodescent.blogspot.com/

[mahealanij 0]

I've read up on how our ideals of body type and shape of women are so often imposed ideals of a patriarchal society, how those ideals torment women and marginalize people. I've touted those ideas since I was in middle school, however fumbling my efforts were. I had been excluded for being fat and odd since grade school, and developed a dislike for the mainstream early on (starting with the popular girls of course.) I made friends with the freaks, geeks, and goths my whole life, I love them. I love the underdog, the misfit toys, the goonies. The code was always to be who you are and Celebrate it. When I discovered I was a lesbian as well, I was already two steps ahead.

I worked to develop pride for myself as I was, I tried to err on the healthier side, but I didn't want to diet anymore. I was tired of the struggle, I AM tired of the struggle. But I was offered a very generous opportunity from my family. I am willing to take it. Chubby is one thing, but my doctor has been bringing up my weight. I'm in my twenties and my knees and ankles hurt at times. I know I can succeed with the helping factors that the procedure provides.

I can't imagine being on the other side, though. I feel like I'm being given the option to change my ethnicity. I know this is more about health than anything (how would you get insurance to help otherwise) and there IS more to me than my BBW status, (I love indie films and reading). Yet, people like Rosie O' Donnel (before the drama) and Uncle candy, Tracy from (the original) Hairspray, these were the people I identified with. I watched Heavyweights multiple times as a kid. I feel like I'm turning my back on the people who helped me feel good about myself when I was young.

Did anyone else struggle with these sort of feelings?

[mahealanij 0]

Actually yes, Yes i did.

I have been chubby basically my whole adult life. For the most part i accepted it. Due to some heavy health problems i had to face the facts... i was not healthy and my life would be cut short if i didn't make some major changes. I tried dieting my whole life and made some friends along the way that faced the same problems . Over the years we had one thing in common, our weight struggles. and what happens to that bond when the weight loss starts to happen? SO how do you tell those friends/coworkers that you are taking this drastic step? especially when for the longest time I seemed so secure with my self-image?

I almost felt like a hypocrite.

and what will i think of myself? how will i view myself? and how will the people around me start to see me?

all the unknown factors. and only time will tell..

but yes... i can definitely relate.

[thelastsamurai 1]

I have been struggling with this myself. I have always felt that my fat was at once a shield from society's eye the objectifies a woman's body (fat has a desexing effect for those outside the BBW belief system), and also put above the superficial existence that a skinny person has, like, being excluded from the pairing up rituals, you get to see how men really act towards women is extremely f-ed up, and how you really don't want to participate in that.

I made a point never to diet, because dieting was denying my body's ability to put up that shield, on the one hand, and on the other hand, to diet would be to turn my back on what made me, me!

The reality of why I got the band is that my knees are giving away at age 24, and I have never had such a hard time just getting home. I don't want to ride a rollercoaster, at this point, I can't even comprehend the idea of a "size 12" - like, wtf is a size 12?!!?!!!? The last time I was under 200 was in middle school, and frankly, I don't understand what I would even do if the male gaze was directed at me with any type of desire (my history would show that it would not be a positive response, ending in awkwardness for everyone involved).

Sooo, now, here I am, being afraid to shed my shield, and clinging to the ideals that got me to be the strong-as-hell, intelligent, privilege-conscious woman of color that I am. While also trying to change my life to learn how to be a whole person, not just a person that exists in the mental realm because the physical realm is too painful to inhabit.

My ideals and my beliefs were shaped by my outside, at one point, but they are of sufficient mettle so that I don't have to be afraid that 100, 150, or 200 pounds will make them budge in the least.

It does feel like selling out, in terms of the body positivity community, but numbers don't lie, and the numbers I'm referring to now are blood pressure, sugar levels, resting heart rate, and all those other indicators that say your life needs to reform.

Except the Body Mass Index, cause I still think that's that bull spit.

[Candiss 0]

I've read up on how our ideals of body type and shape of women are so often imposed ideals of a patriarchal society, how those ideals torment women and marginalize people. I've touted those ideas since I was in middle school, however fumbling my efforts were. I had been excluded for being fat and odd since grade school, and developed a dislike for the mainstream early on (starting with the popular girls of course.) I made friends with the freaks, geeks, and goths my whole life, I love them. I love the underdog, the misfit toys, the goonies. The code was always to be who you are and Celebrate it. When I discovered I was a lesbian as well, I was already two steps ahead.

I worked to develop pride for myself as I was, I tried to err on the healthier side, but I didn't want to diet anymore. I was tired of the struggle, I AM tired of the struggle. But I was offered a very generous opportunity from my family. I am willing to take it. Chubby is one thing, but my doctor has been bringing up my weight. I'm in my twenties and my knees and ankles hurt at times. I know I can succeed with the helping factors that the procedure provides.

I can't imagine being on the other side, though. I feel like I'm being given the option to change my ethnicity. I know this is more about health than anything (how would you get insurance to help otherwise) and there IS more to me than my BBW status, (I love indie films and reading). Yet, people like Rosie O' Donnel (before the drama) and Uncle candy, Tracy from (the original) Hairspray, these were the people I identified with. I watched Heavyweights multiple times as a kid. I feel like I'm turning my back on the people who helped me feel good about myself when I was young.

Did anyone else struggle with these sort of feelings?

[Candiss 0]

I can so relate to your feelings. I had lap band on 1-17-11. I started at 263 and Im now 219. Seems like its taking forever to lose the weight but Im trying to be patient. I have a great partner who is so supportive. That really makes all the difference in the world!

[AlgernonAnon 4]

Wow, what incredible replys to return to after all this time! Thank you all so much for sharing your feelings, it was really affirming to see that there were other intelligent women with my concerns. I ended up going with the gastric bypass about a year ago and I've been amazed at the surreal changes, as well as comforted by what remains unchanged.

I'm half the weight I used to be, and the difference is amazing. I've found that these changes do not remove me from the body positive movement, but allows me to present my perspective (when the subject comes up) on body issues to people who would never have brought up the subject if I had still been my size.

For me, my weight threatened my quality (and quanity) of life; for others thier quality of life is threatened by how others perceive thier weight. That is why I had the surgery, and that is why I still hold my body positivity princibles, uncomprimised by my weightloss. I'm totally at peace with that now.

In the wake of all the Non-scale victories I've enjoyed, like crossing my knees when I sit, beating a friend at running up a flight of stairs, wearing boots that go around my calves, I realised that my weight loss was reaping me personal rewards far more than soicetal ones. With my degree of weightloss, I was a petite 5'3", 300 pounds, now 150, there is excess skin apparent in my arms and thighs, but I don't give it a second thought. Because this surgery was never about conforming to an ideal, but doing what was right for me. In that, I have succeeded, and it is satisfying!

[mykdzmom 388]

Amen sister-girl!!!I love it and your attitude! Congratulations on your success!

[kmt1973 92]

AlgernonAnon, reading through this thread, boy I can relate, to every single comment. I'm so glad you replied back, I was wondering how you were doing since you first posted. I'm so happy for you. Congratulations!

[tchrjo 0]

I know this is an old thread but unjust had my lap band done. I am actually band over bypass because my original bypass was not successful. I think it wasn't successful in part because of this very reason ... I wasn't ready to let go of my BBW identity. I embraced it and appreciated it and identified with it. I have finally come to realize that my authentic self is my healthy self. I'm grateful for this opportunity.