Friend who is a recovering anorexic... need advice

[adagray 1]

This is kind of a weird situation and I don't know how to deal with it. I have a newish friend (met her a few months ago about a month before my surgery). She confided in me that she used to be anorexic and it was quite serious. She is very thin as it is right now, but not so thin that I would worry that her health is in danger right now. She is probably a size 2 I would guess.

Well, a couple weeks ago, she started complaining about how she had gained weight and now she's started a 1000 calorie per day diet (at least this is what she told me) and she's been running 2.5 miles every night. She tracks everything she eats on her IPhone now. She told me her husband is mad because she shouldn't be doing this (based on her history w/anorexia). When she said she had gained weight, I joked w/her that it must only be 3 pounds if she gained any, but that seemed to irritate her.

I feel like she is treading on dangerous territory. And, I also worry that my recent weightloss may have triggered her anorexia. Not that I am anywhere close to her weight (she's about 40 pounds below my goal weight). But, maybe my constant talking about food, exercise, and losing weight may have caused her to head back in this direction. I feel like such an insensitive heel now... like maybe I should not have been talking about these things w/her. Ack!

Anyway, what (if anything) would you do if you were in this situation? Its very awkward for me because we haven't known each other that long and we aren't even that close either. I feel like maybe it might be best for me just not to hang out w/her has much (since I might be triggering this behavior). What do you think???

P.S. - Oh, I should add that she's the only person I know who said to me 'you're not gonna get too skinny after this surgery, are you?' and that just struck me as so odd because she must weigh more than 100 pounds less than me right now.

Edited February 28, 2010 by adagray

[BetsyB 9]

The one thing you MUST tell yourself--and BELIEVE--is that your behavior, including your weight loss, is not the motivator for your friend. You are in NO way responsible for awakening her demons.

Anorexia is a very, very difficult disease to successfully conquer. Like many addictions (and it does have addictive features), its behaviors tend to creep insidiously back in, even after a long period of recovery.

She's NOT in recovery now. You can't change her behaviors, but you can draw boundaries that protect YOU in the midst of her illness, if necessary. For example, when her food obsession shows itself you might tell her that you are concerned for her health, believe her anorexia to be in full bloom again, and will NOT participate in her obsession in any way--including discussion food, diet, and/or exercise. But that once she's back in recovery--in the care of a skilled eating disorders specialist--you will support her in any way possible.

She needs ongoing therapy. And you need to stay clear of the vortex so you don't get sucked in to something that will be detrimental to your OWN recovery from weight issues.

[LollyMoe 1]

I am a retired psych nurse and was going to give some advice. However, after reading what Betsy told you, I couldn't have said it any better. Please take what Betsy said to heart and follow it. She's right on point with her advice.

Don't feed into your new friend's disorder. Good luck in your relationship with her. Pray for her and take care of yourself. This is your journey....not hers.

[vlp1968 83]

What betsy said!

[Pascale 0]

Hi;

I too am a psych nurse, though I have never worked with anorexics I have studied the disease and worked as an addiction counseller and some of the behaviours are similar.

Betsy gave you excellent advice. But just to reinterate;

You are not to blame for your friend's relapse into her eating disorder though your healthy attitude toward changing your eating habits very likely did trigger her relapse it is not your fault.

You mentioned how she was the only one who asked you if you were going to get "too" skinny when she was so very skinny herself. That was because she does not see herself correctly. Like body dysmorphic disorder. She sees herself as larger than she is. All part of the disease.

For your friend's sake you must not enable her anorexic behaviour. So follow Betsy's advice and do not discuss HER dieting and though its too bad don't discuss yours either since it triggers her obsession with weight.

In the meantime, congratulations on your progress and lets hope your friend gets the help she needs - her disease is life threatening.

Pascale

[citygirl4616 2]

You need to be focusing on yourself right now, and not having any negative influences in your life to distract from your weight loss journey. Your friend clearly has an eating disorder and I was thinking you could work something out with her, but when I read that she told you to "not get too skinny", I worry that she may one day begin to sabotage your weight loss efforts. Is she afraid you are going to get smaller than her? Is she making up a weight loss competition with you, in her mind? Is she going to one day start bringing you cakes and Cookies because she knows they are your "favorite"?

Since she is not a close friend, you really can't sit and have a heart-to-heart with her, which leaves you with only one option. Put up your boundaries, and make sure to put yourself and your well-being ahead of any "friendship" with this woman.

[onenuttynurse 0]

I am a nurse for many years as well, and I totally agree with what has been said in the above posts. Focus on your journey to becoming healthy. Your friend definately needs to go back into therapy to conquer her own demons. Even though you want to share your success with your close friends or those that want to know, she may not be the best person to do that with. I see this as treading dangerous waters with her. Please forcus on yourself. She needs to find her own way just as you have found yours. Good luck and may the force be with you in your journey to becoming fit and healthy...ps...Congrats on your weight loss....

[adagray 1]

Thanks so much for all of your advice. Its really very helpful to me. Its not a problem for me to steer our conversations in a different direction. We both have kids the same age. Most of the time when I see her it is at the park w/the kids. So, from now on when the topic of dieting/exercise comes up, I will just try to change topics quickly to something else... the kids, mom stuff, school, etc. Honestly, I don't really need someone else to talk to about my lapband stuff. All of my other friends know and ask me about it all the time. So, I will discuss my lapband stuff w/those other friends and just try to stay on other topics w/her.

And, I will also make sure to keep my boundaries. She's just a casual friend right now and I think its best that I keep it that way. I don't blame myself for being a trigger, but I do believe the very fact that I am on this journey makes me one. I also realize she probably has many more triggers than me and it is probably a culmination of things that is driving her back in this direction. But, I don't want to be part of the problem so I will be cautious about that.