lisafrommassachusetts

I agree 100%. This is an abusive relationship. Get out of it.

what is HE going to gain from you losing weight?? This isn't about him, for God's sake!!

I agree with the above commenter. You can lose 150-200 lbs right away by kicking that jerk to the curb!

You wanna lose 150-200 pounds instantly?? Kick him to the curb!!😉
I know that is a terse, non comforting comment, but your post makes it clear that this man doesn't have your best interests at heart and is in this relationship for his own benefit. I am glad you followed your own desires to improve your health by WLS. If you want long term happiness you may have to question y'all's relationship. Ask yourself "will I be better in five years with him or without him?" and then follow your heart.
Good luck, we are here for you!

@AliciaBoyles ..... Lets start with the obvious. He is your BF... and sounds like a controlling ****. Your child, is it his? Not that it really makes a difference. Did anyone ever warn you about the high % of people that lose relationships due to WLS? (raises hand, screaming meeeee)
I can see so much of what you said in myself. I meet my x in the late 90ies, we have one son together. We were married for 26 years. When we first got together i was 5'2" and about 100lbs. very tiny. After having my son i started putting on weight. He would make comments about me gaining and that i was fat and ugly and that no one would want me if i left him. He was very controlling. He controlled everything... Me, son, money, house.... even the food i was allowed to buy, i didn't even have a CC for our account. He would give it to me, send me to the store and as soon as i walked he i would have to turn it over to him. He is 6'4" so even when he would gain a few, he was still ok. Years went by and my confidence and self-worth went down to nothing.... It was everything to get out of bed and go to work every day. My weight kept going up up up.... my HW 232#. One day i was talking to a co worker and she told me about her WLS (band). I started researching and knew i could get approved. So i mentioned it to him.... He BLEW HIS TOP. Saying i didn't love him anymore and that i was being selfish... oh and i must have another man on the side that i wanted to lose weight for. I didn't start my WL journey because i wanted to get healthy... i wanted to "save my marriage". I wanted him to find me attractive again (sex 1-4 x's a year). In my crazy head if i lost the weight he would love me again like he use too........ NOT. It didn't help at all, in fact, it made it worse. He became even more of an a$$ hole than before. He bacame more controlling... I couldn't even have a cell phone. Well i didn't listen to him and had the Band in 2009. It saved me in so many ways. My weight (at 143) and my mental health. I woke up from this fog that i had been in for 25+ years. I realized that i didn't have to live like that anymore. Even if i were to never meet a man and live the rest of my life alone.... i was ok with that. I divorced him. last Sept. i married the most amazing man EVER.
Here is something to think about..... If your Best friend would come to you and tell you the same things that you are going through.... What would you tell her? You need to prepare yourself... lots of people start cheating (both ways). I know tons of women in your situation that found out later that their husband started cheating when they started losing.
He is looking for a way out.... he's not happy with the overweight you, now he's not happy with the slimmer you. He basically making you chose him or your health and happiness. There is one problem... HE doesn't have to do your dying for you. God forbid something happened.... Trust in the fact that he would go on and find another woman to control. My ex told me to stop losing weight and at first, i did, then i thought...... F*ck him.. i'm doing this for me. I need to take care of me. He is a grown a$$ man. Now he has no one to cook, clean, work, make his appointments, pick up his RX's, take care of the dog, take care of the yard..... He didn't even know how to turn on the dishwasher.....
My life is so amazing now, there no way i could tell everyone without people say..... Man she is full of sh*t... No man does all that.
My band had to be removed in 2017, after i was divorced. Over the last 2.5 years i put back 30 and got up to 173.5. I talked to him about a revision.... He said, i think you are absolutely beautiful, but i will support what ever choice you make.... he is my biggest cheerleader (although no one else knows). But if someone comes up to him and says....Chris has lost a lot of weight..... He tells them i know, she looks great. She just changed the way she eats.... BAM!!! husband of the year award.
Read and really try and answer the question @Krimsonbutterflies asked.... they are great.
don't be like me and wake up 25 years later and think.... WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING....
Two words...... BE HAPPY!!!!

I have a few questions for you to pose to yourself, from a viewpoint of support for you as a fellow member of this community that you are lovingly accepted into.
Do you think his behavior is respectful, loving, uplifting towards you?
You do know that you aren't his property and don't need his "consent" to prioritize yourself or your health?
Does he have a fetish for bigger women and is your losing weight a turnoff for him (physically and mentally)?
Is he genuinely a friend who sincerely supports you with other endeavors in your life, without needing to personally gain/benefit from you/it?
Does he encourage you to build your confidence and self esteem daily?
Does he encourage your individuality?
Does he support you having healthy outside relationships with your family, colleagues and etc.?
Do you feel comfortable discussing your individual dreams, goals, achievements and vision for your life/future independent of his benefit?
Do you feel uplifted after talking to him and like he's a positive light in your life?
These are a few things to ask yourself and be honest with yourself about how you are truly feeling. 5 years in a relationship doesn't mean that you are being loved, supported and respected by your mate. I know that we don't know the entire history of your relationship, but he sounds cruel and controlling. His punishment that he's imposing upon you and his request to not be contacted until you can explain yourself to him what he will benefit from you is not the behavior exhibited by a person who cares for someone. He sounds insecure, manipulative and insensitive to your need to get your health on track. He's right there in the dictionary under narcissist!!! His attitude towards you and yes your mother too is disrespectful and you are worthy of being respected, loved and supported. You should be celebrated by your partner for your accomplished weight loss thus far and please don't dream of sabotaging your success and trying to stop your journey. We will cheerlead, shout to the mountain tops and yell praises for you to win!!
You are worthy, beautiful and deserving of whatever your heart desires.
I wrote this with the intention of being a supporter of your journey and not to preach or judge. This is the judgment free zone, I just don't like bullies who rain on other people's happiness and blessings.

The benefit to him is the years you are adding to your life, and the significantly better health you will have during those years. For example, check out these articles.
https://asmbs.org/articles/weight-loss-surgery-reduces-risk-of-coronary-heart-disease-by-40-percent
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/07/180716103541.htm
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/25466723
You've reduced your risk of coronary heart disease by 40%.
If you already had diabetes, your chance of remission is 40% - if you don't have it you've reduced your chances of getting it by 74%.
You've reduced your risk of certain cancers (breast, endometrial) by 77%.
If he does not see your improved health and longer life as enough of a benefit to him, then he is not the sort of person you want to be with.

You said it yourself - your boyfriend is all about what's in it for HIM, how does losing weight help HIM? You didn't get HIS consent to change your body? Are you kidding? He hasn't shown you the least bit of support in any of your weight loss efforts and you are feeling guilty that you are the person that is causing this relationship to fail? You did this for YOU, not him. You did this because you want a healthier, happier life. If he hadn't been your boyfriend for the past 4 years, would you have done this anyway? I think you really need to take a good hard look at your relationship and to evaluate if it's the best thing for YOU going forward. Even though the surgery helps with weight loss, you still need support (or at the very least, the lack of negativity). Is he the one to give it to you? Would you rather live with his negativity than be alone?
I'm not saying any of these things to make you feel bad, but just because there's no point in beating around the bush. The reality is, a lot of relationships fail when weight loss surgery is involved. If you don't believe me, search these forums. You'll find plenty of examples of people who broke up, or divorced, directly as a consequence of the success that resulted from the surgery. It's often not because of the surgery itself, but because of what it represented. Maybe the person losing weight was getting too attractive and the other partner felt threatened by it. Or because the person getting the surgery decided to focus on themselves instead of focusing everything on their partner (and others) that they had been doing for years - and then the partner didn't like it. You just have to decide if he's worth keeping, and if so, what kind of counselling or other help you both can get to help you stay together; or if he's not and it's better to be free, whatever happens. Either way, it's a tough choice.

Best of luck, and so, so glad it was not more serious.

I'm also about 6 weeks out! I was sleeved on Feb. 10. I was cleared for all foods after 40 days. The guidance I got was to try to introduce foods one at a time, so I can tell if I can tolerate them. So far I have not had any trouble. I use MyFitnessPal to track; my goal is at least 60 gs of Protein per day. Some days I'm great, some days I struggle a bit, so I am adjusting my meals to make sure I comfortably hit 60 or more. Here is a couple of my immediate past days:
Tues: egg fried with cooking spray with leftover spinach on top, 2 turkey sausage links; mid-morning: Protein Drink (20g protein); lunch: 2 oz. tuna with mayo made with olive oil and 1/2 serving high protein cheese snacks; Mid afternoon chicken Bone Broth; Dinner: 1 and a half ground beef meatballs; with diced tomatoes and 1 tbl. grated parmesian and 1/2 cup spaghetti squash. After dinner snack: handful of mixed nuts and a sugar free hot choc.
Wed: Breakfast: Iconic Protein Powder with 2 oz. Premier Protein drink added; mid-morning: hard boiled egg; Lunch: 2 slices deli turkey with 2 tbl. reduced fat cheddar and 1/4 of Granny Smith Apple used to make roll ups; mid afternoon: 1/2 serving of high protein cheese Snacks and about 10 green grapes; Dinner: 1 link Italian Turkey Sausage cooked in diced tomatoes, spinach and cauliflower crumbles (about 1/4 cup of sauce) and 1/2 c. left over spaghetti squash; after dinner: handful of nuts and a sugar free popsicle.
What I am not eating: Pasta, bread, potatoes, rice. I also have not added in butter or oils, I am cooking without them mostly. I have made some Soups and tried to punch up the protein; I made some split pea Soup in the slow cooker and added some protein powder to punch it up. I also was eating a lot of fish, but we have not been to the grocery store in the last few days so I don't have any fresh fish right now, and I just don't care for frozen fish. I did pick up some frozen shrimp last time I was there and will make a shrimp salad one of these days.
One of the nutritionists at my facility told me protein, protein, protein. She also said to be successful long term you need to find protein rich foods that you LIKE and that fit in your lifestyle, otherwise you will feel deprived/burdened and that is when you are likely to fill up on the wrong things.
Hope this helps a bit!

I'm also about 6 weeks out! I was sleeved on Feb. 10. I was cleared for all foods after 40 days. The guidance I got was to try to introduce foods one at a time, so I can tell if I can tolerate them. So far I have not had any trouble. I use MyFitnessPal to track; my goal is at least 60 gs of Protein per day. Some days I'm great, some days I struggle a bit, so I am adjusting my meals to make sure I comfortably hit 60 or more. Here is a couple of my immediate past days:
Tues: egg fried with cooking spray with leftover spinach on top, 2 turkey sausage links; mid-morning: Protein Drink (20g protein); lunch: 2 oz. tuna with mayo made with olive oil and 1/2 serving high protein cheese snacks; Mid afternoon chicken Bone Broth; Dinner: 1 and a half ground beef meatballs; with diced tomatoes and 1 tbl. grated parmesian and 1/2 cup spaghetti squash. After dinner snack: handful of mixed nuts and a sugar free hot choc.
Wed: Breakfast: Iconic Protein Powder with 2 oz. Premier Protein drink added; mid-morning: hard boiled egg; Lunch: 2 slices deli turkey with 2 tbl. reduced fat cheddar and 1/4 of Granny Smith Apple used to make roll ups; mid afternoon: 1/2 serving of high protein cheese Snacks and about 10 green grapes; Dinner: 1 link Italian Turkey Sausage cooked in diced tomatoes, spinach and cauliflower crumbles (about 1/4 cup of sauce) and 1/2 c. left over spaghetti squash; after dinner: handful of nuts and a sugar free popsicle.
What I am not eating: Pasta, bread, potatoes, rice. I also have not added in butter or oils, I am cooking without them mostly. I have made some Soups and tried to punch up the protein; I made some split pea Soup in the slow cooker and added some protein powder to punch it up. I also was eating a lot of fish, but we have not been to the grocery store in the last few days so I don't have any fresh fish right now, and I just don't care for frozen fish. I did pick up some frozen shrimp last time I was there and will make a shrimp salad one of these days.
One of the nutritionists at my facility told me protein, protein, protein. She also said to be successful long term you need to find protein rich foods that you LIKE and that fit in your lifestyle, otherwise you will feel deprived/burdened and that is when you are likely to fill up on the wrong things.
Hope this helps a bit!

Congratulations! And enjoy the return to coffee. I got to have it after 40 days...I am amazed at what a difference it made in my energy level....

Hello! I am 3 weeks out. I am actually eating soft foods now, and I am still struggling with the Fluid. One thing that made it easier is I was not counting the Water I was using in my Protein Shakes, and now I am, so that helped. I found it easier to drink crystal light with about 50% more water than recommended. I also am lucky because I really like chicken Bone Broth, and that gives me fluids and some Protein. I also have bought a variety of herbal teas; I like mint, ginger and a licorice tea. I add a little Stevia, and it is nice break from plain water or the sweet, sweet taste of the protein shakes or the crystal light. The first couple of weeks I was eating a lot of frozen popsicles, sugar free. They are 2 oz of fluids per small pop, so not a great bang for your buck. Good luck, it does get easier, but I am still really conscious of making myself drink all day. On the upside, you do have to get up from your desk a lot to go to the bathroom!

I will try to up my Water tomorrow. Thanks for the feedback!

A lot of the time, when I'm feeling hungry, I am actually just thirsty. Especially the more I exercised; yes, I eat around 600-800 calories a day, but I'm also getting closer to 96oz of Water day on the heavy exercising days.
It could be boredom or head hunger; you're still too early out from your surgery to be feeling true hunger. Try sipping some water and make sure you are filling up on Proteins. If you're eating anything carby or just veggies, you'll not feel full as long as you should.
Good job on getting to 10,000 steps. I know it's crappy to be hit with stuff right after surgery. ❤️

Congrats! You look great!
TE (telegen effluvium) is part of severe calorie restriction and quick weight loss. Mine is finally growing back. I'm 2+ years out.
I eat all low fat Proteins on the planet except soy for the most part. And most of my Protein is animal based rather than plant based, although I do eat 1+ lbs of veg per day and there is some amount of protein in those plants.
The ones I love:
eggs/egg whites
2% cottage cheese
non fat Greek yogurt
Premier Protein in coffee = proffee lattes
Fairlife Core Power chocolate blended with ice and nonfat Greek yogurt to make a milkshake
tuna in pouch (water packed)
salmon in pouch (water packed)
sardines in Water
Boar's Head Turkeys + Lacey Swiss roll-ups/wraps
Oscar Meyer Naturals Ham
tuna salad made with pouch tuna + cottage cheese + hb egg + green onion + dijon + vlasic dill relish
salmon
shrimp
basa fillets
chicken breasts
turkey cutlets
ground turkey
ground chicken
pork loin/tenders
lean beef
90/10 ground beef
ribeye steak trimmed of visible fat
turkey pepperoni
turkey sausage
venison all cuts
lamb lean cuts
reduced fat cheeses
fresh mozzarella
nuts/seeds/nut butters
nonfat Fairlife milk
nonfat buttermilk
low fat sour cream

I'm also about 6 weeks out! I was sleeved on Feb. 10. I was cleared for all foods after 40 days. The guidance I got was to try to introduce foods one at a time, so I can tell if I can tolerate them. So far I have not had any trouble. I use MyFitnessPal to track; my goal is at least 60 gs of Protein per day. Some days I'm great, some days I struggle a bit, so I am adjusting my meals to make sure I comfortably hit 60 or more. Here is a couple of my immediate past days:
Tues: egg fried with cooking spray with leftover spinach on top, 2 turkey sausage links; mid-morning: Protein Drink (20g protein); lunch: 2 oz. tuna with mayo made with olive oil and 1/2 serving high protein cheese snacks; Mid afternoon chicken Bone Broth; Dinner: 1 and a half ground beef meatballs; with diced tomatoes and 1 tbl. grated parmesian and 1/2 cup spaghetti squash. After dinner snack: handful of mixed nuts and a sugar free hot choc.
Wed: Breakfast: Iconic Protein Powder with 2 oz. Premier Protein drink added; mid-morning: hard boiled egg; Lunch: 2 slices deli turkey with 2 tbl. reduced fat cheddar and 1/4 of Granny Smith Apple used to make roll ups; mid afternoon: 1/2 serving of high protein cheese Snacks and about 10 green grapes; Dinner: 1 link Italian Turkey Sausage cooked in diced tomatoes, spinach and cauliflower crumbles (about 1/4 cup of sauce) and 1/2 c. left over spaghetti squash; after dinner: handful of nuts and a sugar free popsicle.
What I am not eating: Pasta, bread, potatoes, rice. I also have not added in butter or oils, I am cooking without them mostly. I have made some Soups and tried to punch up the protein; I made some split pea Soup in the slow cooker and added some protein powder to punch it up. I also was eating a lot of fish, but we have not been to the grocery store in the last few days so I don't have any fresh fish right now, and I just don't care for frozen fish. I did pick up some frozen shrimp last time I was there and will make a shrimp salad one of these days.
One of the nutritionists at my facility told me protein, protein, protein. She also said to be successful long term you need to find protein rich foods that you LIKE and that fit in your lifestyle, otherwise you will feel deprived/burdened and that is when you are likely to fill up on the wrong things.
Hope this helps a bit!

It is heartening to be reminded of the good things folks are doing to respond to this crisis...To quote Mr. Rogers "Look for the helpers." I see this in my immediate community and across the nation. Couple of things, though.
1. I don't believe, and I don't see any evidence that "Communist China" did this "to us". Everyone of course is entitled to their own opinion, but the unspoken premise of the post is that.
2. People are really suffering, physically, emotionally and financially. While it is not all grim, let's acknowledge it ain't all a Bing Crosby musical, either.
3. If ever there was a time to think globally, act locally, it is now. I can't make ventilators, but I can practice social distancing, wash my hands and be mindful of what I am touching, so maybe we need one less ventilator this week. I don't have the wealth necessary to address this financial crisis, but I can donate an extra $10.00 this week to our local "healthcare for the homeless" coalition that is trying to get folks housed to ride this out in someplace other than open air, cot to cot shelters. I am not a healthcare provider, but I know folks who are, and I can reach out to them if for no other reason than to say thanks; I bought a bag full of markers and coloring books, sidewalk chalk, and bubbles, washed it all down with bleach and vinegar, and called and left it outside my neighbor's house; the mom is a nurse pulling 12 hour shifts.
Just one lady's thoughts...my state is in a state of emergency and all non-essential businesses are closed. I work for the City, so I physically go to work 2 days one week and 3 days the next and WFH the other days; I have a paycheck coming in. I vacillate from "we're going to be ok" to "this is terrifying and I am terrified". While I do know folks who have tested positive, they have had mild cases. I know that the ICUs are filling up, and every day there are more deaths. My friends who are doctors, nurses and other healthcare professionals are scared. We are having more and more police and firefighters test positive. My husband's great aunt is in a long term care facility that has 8 residents that have tested positive so far; she is 93 and not likely to survive if she gets this. Her kids are devastated that they can't even go in and visit with her. My own husband is out of work, he was laid off as of Feb. 28, before this really hit and unrelated to it, BUT there are no jobs to apply for. We personally will be ok, and I have a lot to be grateful for.
Hope everyone stays healthy and safe, connected and engaged.

Except not all good is happening. My mom works in a doctors office, but in the county that I live in the average age is 48. Most people here are older and the doctors offices aren't allowing anyone 65 or older in the offices and I live in the California foothills. People retire here. Meaning there is a large population of 65 and older so there aren't many people going to the doctors offices and a lot of people are being laid off. My mom had 4 patients yesterday. FOUR. She's worried she's going to lose her job because yesterday they laid off 14 people and warned that more layoffs were coming. The only reason I'm not worried about my own job is because it's a Fortune 500 Company and a fourth of our staff took leave because they told us we could if we didn't feel safe. I'm currently considering it, but am waiting to hear back if my doctor will approve leave for me. My sister's fiancee is on leave because he's a cook at a restaurant that decided to temporarily shut its doors until the pandemic dies down a bit. And right now my sister is the only one working because she's working at a fast food place as a shift manager. So while yes, there are some good things going on, there are more bad things imo. At the rate things are going we're likely headed to another recession if not another Great Depression.

In Western Mass most schools are closed until the end of March; in Springfield there are sites throughout the city for students to get a take home Breakfast and lunch for free. (Springfield has a very high percentage of students living in poverty). It is the hourly workers and parents with younger kids who are suddenly home with no one to watch them that must be scrambling. In our state there can be no gatherings of more than 250 people, so concerts, our local huge St. Patrick's day parade and road race, churches, etc. are all closed. Restaurants are deserted. Our local grocery stores have some shortages, but not like what friends and family elsewhere are experiencing. We have a local MGM casino, it is closed for at least 2 weeks. Scary times, odd times, I worry about our seniors, parents, low wage earners and small businesses. We have so many friends and family members who work in the medical field; I worry about them! I read today that sunshine is good for killing the virus; I kind of doubt it because it sure has walloped Australia (where it is summer!); but it is good for our mental health. Trying to practice conscious gratitude every day, and getting outside for some fresh air and movement.
It almost doesn't seem real. Hope everyone is staying healthy and hopeful.

Just a little bit of funny if someone needs a laugh.

Hi Lisa:
So nice to hear from you! I am exactly four weeks out also and I have lost exactly the same amount as you!! It must be working
Congratulations.... we got our surgery just in time. Another week at it would have been canceled! I'm SO GRATEFUL!!!
Best to you. Keep in touch.
Grace

Sissyj.....surgery on Oct 28th.
Since my surgery on Oct 28,2019
at Piedmont Newnan Hospital I have lost 37# but 70 # total of highest weight in July....Dr, Morris in Newnan was my Doctor...He and his staff are wonderful. I feel like a totally different person an look so different....Not using walker or cane anymore...PTL...God is good. I took a bath in shower in my tub this morning for first time in 4 years....I have been using a regular shower because I could not lift my leg up high enough to clear the tub..I was in the tub before I realized that I had gotten in there with no problems...felt sooooo good... I have been off BP medicine since 3 days post surgery. Have more energy and loving life again.
Starting Weight 270
SW 236.6
CW 199
GW 150
49 lb to go . I am 79 years old so taking it a bit slower than some of you... Best tool ever and so glad I had this surgery done....Hope all of you are doing good...Hang in there....

Ummmmm, what? Are you suggesting that China, Italy, Spain, etc are all making up their sickness and death rates and slowing their economies just to make Trump look bad for the upcoming elections? Are you serious??

And honestly, anyone who currently supports Trump, despite his past comments and actions, is hardly likely to change their minds anytime soon. And many people vote party, not person.

Glad you have great immunity. Many in your community do not. And not everyone has great healthcare insurance in the event they get very ill or have after effects like compromised lungs.

My heart is breaking for you. I don't know if it is any consolation, but you are most definitely not alone. All of us are feeling more scared and anxious than ever before.
You have already fought a huge battle! You have lost so much weight, and come so far. One of the things that this journey has probably taught you is moderation. If gaming is mentally a break for you right now, give yourself that break, but make sure you limit it to what is actually helpful, not harmful. Say you decide on 3 hours per day, stick to that. Gaming will also let you have social contact with other humans without physical contact.
I have been stuck in my house due to pre-surgery flu, then post surgery, then I had a nasty cold that coincided with the uptick in concerns about CoVid 19. I set an alarm at 10 of every hour, and walked around my house just to keep myself moving! I NEVER felt like doing it, but made myself get at least 250 steps, and most times I would keep going for 5 or 10 minutes. I know it isn't hiking Everest, but it is what I could do.
Your financial worries have to be so discouraging. The only little light at the end of that tunnel is that the whole country is facing this! They are going to have to give relief, and you will be positioned to take advantage of that. It is going to be a whole new world once we come out the other side; my guess is that lots of places are going to get a lot more serious about cleaning and sanitizing workplaces, so maybe your chosen profession will have a whole new lease on life! If not, my fervent hope is that once this ends the country gets serious about pivoting toward green or environmentally friendly industries, and we will have a "new deal" type financial bail out that is for ALL of us, not just big banks and airlines. Hang in there, I am 90% sure there will be eviction and/or foreclosure moratoriums. You need to focus on maintaining shelter, food, utilities. Everything else right now will have to wait. I know that you have probably spent a lifetime building your business, your credit, etc., but right now we all have to go to survival mode.
I hope you find a way to connect with folks, maybe through an online group that shares some interests. The evidence is strong that even a short walk each day in nature helps restore our mental health. I am a person with little or no "hobbies" except for reading, travel and listening to live music. I can't sit and read all darn day! So I have decided to try some container gardening...I'll have either have wasted some time and a little money, Or I will have nice fresh veggies and berries this spring and summer! I am also starting an indoor herb garden. You will find your own interests. Learn a foreign language? Take up knitting? Foster a dog or cat in need? Volunteer to deliver supplies to elders or disabled neighbors (also a job opportunity for that.) You are a good writer, any interest in journaling? You have been through quite a bit, journaling may be a way to process that.
Good luck to you, reach out, try to take heart, when the dark thoughts come look for the light. This community is very supportive, use it!

All the best

Lisa