*JASMINE*

I HATE THE WAY I'M WIRED. I HATE THE WAY I'M WIRED. I HATE THE WAY I'M WIRED. Sometimes I just want to bang my head against the wall and end what's going on in my head. I hate the voices. The fear of change. The self destruction. The weight gain. I want it all to end. I create my own problems. I hate that I have to relive this over and over again. I have no control over all of this. I hate that I put Paul through this all of the time. He doesn't deserve to be around this. I don't know what he sees in me. I'm such a horrible person to be around. These are the things the voices tell me. I feel so depressed. I've gained 3 more pounds. I try and try to control the binging, but I get such anxiety over it. So what's the solution? Medication. I've tried that, it doesn't help. There seems to be no solution. I want to end all of the suffering. But I can't. I just want to crawl under a rock and disappear...:think

<p>Love this thread. Now I don't feel like the odd one out.</p> <p> </p> <p>I assumed that my struggle would be over. But it will never be.</p> <p>I assumed that once I lost my weight, the band would help me maintain it. But it hasn't.</p> <p>I assumed that I would not be able to overeat. I can.</p> <p>I assumed that my life would be changed forever. But I can always end up where I started.</p> <p>I assumed that my band would help with my hunger. It doesn't. I'm hungry ALL the time.</p>

I am staying on plan today because I have creeped up to 159lbs and I don't want to hit 160lbs.

WOW, fastforward 9 months. I am up to 159lbs. That's a 14lb gain in 9 months. That's not good. I refuse to get up to 160lbs. I looked back at my last entry and can't believe I was griping about being 145lbs. I'd be happy to be that weight right now. But you know what, looking back at my past entries, I realize that I was able to eat a lot even back then. Here I was thinking that I have worked myself up to consuming almost pre-band amounts, but looking back at my other entries, I realize that the amounts are the same. I realize that the only thing that has changed is the amount of exercise I am doing, the weighing in, and the amount of break days I am allowing myself. Back then, I allowed myself to break for one meal once a week. Now I am breaking for every meal during the weekend. Not good. So, my goals are to track my food, weigh in once a week, and only break once a week. I can do it. I've been wallowing in self defeat for quite a while. It's not doing me any good but making me miserable. I did it once and I can do it again. It's all up to me know. I refuse to hit 160!!!!!

WOW, fastforward 9 months. I am up to 159lbs. That's a 14lb gain in 9 months. That's not good. I refuse to get up to 160lbs. I looked back at my last entry and can't believe I was griping about being 145lbs. I'd be happy to be that weight right now. But you know what, looking back at my past entries, I realize that I was able to eat a lot even back then. Here I was thinking that I have worked myself up to consuming almost pre-band amounts, but looking back at my other entries, I realize that the amounts are the same. I realize that the only thing that has changed is the amount of exercise I am doing, the weighing in, and the amount of break days I am allowing myself. Back then, I allowed myself to break for one meal once a week. Now I am breaking for every meal during the weekend. Not good. So, my goals are to track my food, weigh in once a week, and only break once a week. I can do it. I've been wallowing in self defeat for quite a while. It's not doing me any good but making me miserable. I did it once and I can do it again. It's all up to me know. I refuse to hit 160!!!!!

That's exactly what I think. But then a little voice in my head says, "PLEASE, not everyone is out to inconvenience you!". Then I calm myself down. Then I have this saying that states something about not allowing someone to make you angry because it allows them to have control over you, or something like that. As you can see, I've had to counsel myself alot over inconsiderate people. I try to stay in control of my road rage, because when it gets out of hand, I find myself doing some pretty risky maneuvers to get around these idiots. They're just not worth it.

I think that it is because of the fear of failure. At least it was this way for me. I had originally set my goal for 150lbs. When I reached that, I changed it to 145lbs. Then it was 135lbs. I think some of us like to take baby steps. Ideally, I would love to be 120lbs. I didn't set that goal because I have made peace with the fact that I just wasn't meant to be that thin.

Yeah, here in Texas they have some law that prohibits those semi drivers from being in the fast lane. They don't always follow it, though. I sometimes think that slow drivers are the ones who cause the most accidents. I know that everyone is responsible for their own reactions, but man, it's called a freeway for a reason. How ironic it is that a great amount of the drivers who cause accidents are never actually in the accident or held accountable.

One of my pet peeves is a person going 50mph in the fast lane, with a line of cars behind them (me being one of them). Over the years, I have learned to not let it bother me, but I really do want to try to understand people that do this. I am starting this thread to try to get to the root of this. I really want to understand why this is done. I may be in the wrong for getting mad at people that do this, and if so, I would like to know this, too. I was once a passenger in my sister's car, when I realized SHE was one of these drivers. I asked her WHY she did this and she casually replied that she just didn't care. It didn't bother her that she was obstructing traffic and if other people wanted to get mad at about it, it really didn't bother her. So, what really goes through someone's mind when driving below the speed limit in the passing lane? I truly would like some honest replies. My intentions are not to make anyone the "bad guy". I would just like to understand the logic.

Never dull your shine for someone else (heard that last night on AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL when the other girls were being envious of one of the girls who were more successful).

No problem. I would never agree with someone just because they were my friend. But I might be a little more considerate to them when I disagree. The only one I FORCE myself to agree with is my MIL...just for the sake of peace.

Ok, why are you dragging my name into this? No, I was not discussing you in particular when I said it was rude to correct someone. I don't remember you correcting my grammar on the other post, so I'm not understanding where you are coming from? I thought we agreed to disagree and let it be? Sheesh, some people just can't let things go...

Sorry, I just reviewed my comment and kind of did something similar to the "and alot of other posters agree with me" comment. Silly me. My bad:faint:.

Yeah, I completely agree with this observation. I see it. I know many other people here see it, too. It can be very childish.

I completely agree with you there. I'd rather know. I guess the delivery is what's important. If I made a grammar mistake, and someone felt compelled to inform me, I'd much rather get PMd about it then it brought up on a thread that has nothing to do with grammar. Same for the broccoli in my teeth. I'd much rather be pulled aside then informed about it in front of a crowd of people. But it just comes down to the motive of the person who is correcting me. Online, you really can't determine what someone's motive is. I really don't know you, but from what I've read so far, you seem like a kind hearted individual with only good intentions. Not everyone on this forum, or in life is like that, I'm afraid.:nervous

I think it's rude. I also find that it is done very frequently on this forum when someone is having a heated debate. It's kind of petty, if you ask me. Usually shows that the person is getting desperate and has nothing else to offer in the debate. It also says to me that a person is trying to insult my intelligence.

Oh Rachel, When I read this, I know exactly who you are talking about and you are so right. I definately don't need to be lectured by those types of people. I know what I'm doing wrong. Sometimes though, your emotional side takes over your logical side. And I completely agree with you when it comes to some medical professionals not addressing these issues. Mine did not. I know that some do and that this is what the psych eval is for. But maybe it's because I was banded in Mexico. Maybe the US docs make our psychological issues more of a priority. I don't know. I'd hate to lump them all together. Just going on my experience. I'm not going to blame them for my head issues, though. I'd just like some of them to make more patients aware that this is not a cure. That the head issues will always be there. That you can eat around the band. That you can regain your weight. I mean, if the surgeons were so thorough, why are so many of us on this board with so many questions? I refuse to believe that so many of us "did not do all of the research". I did my research. I'm so sorry to hear about you losing your band. Did you start a thread about it somewhere? I'd like to hear more about it. Take care, Jasmine

You guys are all so SWEET for responding. To tell you the truth, I had forgotten about this thread. I'm still struggling but not as much. I haven't really been weighing myself. Like you guys said, scales are not my friend. I've just been going based on how my clothes feel. I used to be motivated by the fear of losing my band, but for some reason, that fear is no longer there. Maybe that's why I haven't been able to get back on track. I need a really good scare. Thanks again for all of the kind words. I really appreciate you all taking the time to write:).

Thank you guys so much for responding. I'm sorry it took so long to respond to your replies. I've been so busy the past few days. I decided to start walking every day. I also decided to stop weighing myself and just go with how my clothes feel on me. I haven't weighed in a whole week. I am so proud of myself for that. I have to say that life is a little bit less stressful when I don't weigh myself. So I just wanted to thank you three for taking the time to respond and let me know that I am not alone in my struggle. I really appreciate your heartfelt response:). I'm just taking it one day at a time now.

I was banded in 2005. I was very successfull in my weightloss. I went from 220 to 135. I counted calories and went running twice a week. I suffered a knee injury from running about a year ago and have been going downhill ever since. I am now up to 156lbs. I know to most it still seems like a good weight. But I find myself so depressed about my recent weight gain. I thought I had it all under control. I have been eating nothing but crap recently, which is why I am where I am. It's like a switch in my head went off and I can't switch it back on again. I had a recent fill, which resulted in a small unfill because it hurt just to get Water down, and I am back to where I started. I can still eat anything. I can't rely on the full feeling because I feel like it is unobtainable. I have to rely on counting calories. I find myself so envious of people who can only eat 800 calories per day and people who were able to get RNY. Mentally, I feel like I am at square one. I have realized that this will always be a huge battle for me. For the first year, I was on cloud nine. But now, I realize that there will never be a cure for the eating issues that I have. It makes me realize that maybe we are treating our eating issues the wrong way. Maybe we should be getting therapy instead of weight loss surgery. Anyone ever feel like this? Disclaimer: No I am not knocking lap band surgery. I am just trying to work through the mental issues most of us are suffering from...how about a section for doing the head work?

I've had my band for more than 2 years. I went in to have my band checked yesterday and the doctor gave me a really big fill. I'm up to 8.8cc in a 10cc band. I've never been filled so much. It hurts a little to even drink liquids. Is it supposed to hurt? I've heard of people saying that they could barely get liquids down, but no one has ever mentioned that they were in any pain. I'm not sure what to do. Should I give it a couple of days to let the swelling go down, or go in for an unfill?

I think I might have a leak. I went to get a fill two days ago. Paid $300.00 for it. Dr. Dobson put in 3.5cc and I have absolutely no restriction. He took all of my fill out and I only had 2.5cc before the fill. I just had a fill in February with Dr. Maese and I was supposed to be at 5.5cc. So back to Dr. Maese I go today. Another $200.00 to spend. I'm going in so that he can check for a leak. Dr. Dobson said he couldn't check for one because I had already done a barium swallow. The thing is, I got a really odd feeling from Dr. Dobson. I kind of came out of there feeling a little violated. I had to take off my braw because the wire kept showing on the screen. There was a female assistant there, so I wasn't too alarmed. Then he had me lay down and stretch to the left and right on the table because I had this huge air bubble in my stomach which he was concerned about. I kept doing this and then going back to the machine and nothing changed. Then he just blew it off and said he thought it was nothing. And the pain. Oh my god the pain. I have had 3 other fills, never with him, and they have never hurt like this. He concluded the end of our meeting by saying that he thought it might be a leak and that even though he could visually see that I had no additional restriction after the 3.5cc he added to come back and see him in 3 weeks. He's actually a plastic surgeon and actually made a comment that the only reason he does fills is because it helps him get more patients who lose weight and want plastic surgery. He also said I needed a tummy tuck. He kind of reminded me of that character in "ALONG CAME POLLY". You know, the friend who was a child star but grows up to be a loser. Anyways, I just wanted to see if anyone got this impression about him or if I am just overreacting?

Thanks Green. I really appreciate you telling us about your father's experience. I'm sorry he had to go through such hard ship. I continue to post on this thread because I think it's important for it not to become on sided. I know that Eva's post was a very emotional one and sometimes emotional posts get lost and rediculed (?sp). Although I do not agree with name calling, I do agree with some of her points. Logically, I believe that people should follow our laws. I just get hung up on people directing their anger at just the illegals and not the government. I also believe that people have no room to place judgement on these people. Yes, I know that we can't change the history of how the United States was established, but who are we to now determine that people do not belong here because WE have now established our own set of laws? What makes our set of laws better than those of the Native Americans? I really appreciate Green and BJean for maintaining such a level head on this subject. It's not as black and white as some may want it to be. There are many people responsible for this mess...

So I guess this is directed at me? Is that correct? No one has ever "suggested" that you were a bad human being for disagreeing with people being here illegally. I do believe that a person's inability to empathize with these people makes them a bad human being, IMO. And I believe that what I said was that there is nothing wrong with teaching your children something new, if you want to make THEM a better human being. For someone that doesn't mean to offend anyone, you sure seem to get offended with being stereotyped. Some people get very offended when someone puts words in their mouths or twist them in order to call their comments "foolish". And by the way, I think it's great that your kids make good grades. In no way was I emplying that they are ignorant. My earlier comment was not directed at your children. I apologize if you took it that way. It can be very easy to take a post and run with it. I often find myself exercising great restraint...but I am human too and not always successful at it...

I completely agree. We shouldn't force our kids to learn stuff unless we want to make them a better human being. Who told you you were lazy because of this? That's very unfortunate. So I guess based on this analysis, the Katrina Refugees "invaded" Texas, as well. I based this statement on yours: By the way, no one expects you to, whatever gave you that impression?