Bmjohnson

Right after surgery, everybody looses weight...lap band or no, we are on a strict post-op diet starting with Clear liquids and slowly progressing. Who wouldn't loose weight? And yet people give credit to the band.
At this stage, the Lap Band is doing nothing, IMO....it was installed and nothing more.(there are a FEW EXCEPTIONS...very few)
And let's face it...people who have much to loose, will loose more than the next person not quite so heavy.
So when someone says "I Lost 50 lbs, blah blah blah, the next person should not feel bad only loosing 10lbs.
I know people who could loose 50lbs if they skipped dinner! (only joking)
There are people here who start at 400lbs and loose over 200, and people who start at 225 and only loose 75....so which is more difficult?
So don't let the #'s intimidate you...it's all relative.
I had my first fill 4 weeks after surgery, and it was 4cc's....after that, I began to gain weight because it also the time I came off the post-op diet and began eating normal food again. DUH!
That first fill did absolutely nothing.
Had my second fill of 2cc's, 4 weeks after that, = 8 weeks from surgery.
The band began to do something....I didn't loose weight, but I did not gain either.
All this time I was being told and reminded to count calories, measure portions, stay away from certain foods/drink, etc...ALL the things I could have done (and have done) without surgery, the time and anxiety put into preparing for this, not to mention the $$.
Talk about Frustration!! I felt it was a big Rip Off!
Came back 4 weeks after that, = 12 weeks from surgery for my 3rd, (and final) fill. THAT one put me over the top.Pushed me off the edge!
Could not keep anything down. Feared I was going to be malnourished, etc. I was free falling!
Many people would have gone back to get it taken out, get back within their comfort zone......but my Dr. (who knows ME and not YOU) talked me into sticking it out, talked me into slowing down my eating, choice of foods, all those thing etc, etc.
Also said if I did get that last (small) fill removed, it would put me back to where I was after my 2nd fill...did I want that?
I'm glad he did...it took weeks - months for things to start to find that groove, but it did all start to fall in line.
That elusive "Fine balance - Harmony" where the band performs splendidly. The true "Green Zone"
I quess my point is, this thing DOES WORK, but it is not going to work immediately...it is adjustable and it takes time, sometimes with trial and error, to get it right.
And it is not just the band that gets adjusted along the way...we too have to get adjusted to the Lap Band. And that is key to success.
Lap Band Surgery will "Change Your Life" but you have to ready and willing for change. And that can be very frustrating and take some time. Even though my last needed fill was 12 weeks from surgery, and the weight began to steadily and consistently come off, a year later I was still learning lessons, Life changing lessons...most times the hard and unpleasant way. Did not mean the band is at fault.
I'm 4 years out, and I can do something right now, this moment, that would cause a very negative reaction with my band. Does not mean my band is at fault...it means I just did something I should never do...simple, yet it did take time to learn the difference.
If people told me 4 years ago what and how little I would be eating today, and still be healthy and full of energy, I would have said they were blowing smoke up my you know what.
And yet here I am at that place, and to tell new people this, would be accepted the same as I would have 4 years ago.
This is the internet, and 1000's of people come and go here all the time. And I have read people's posts about frustration and feelings of failure (many of which are way pre-mature...give it a chance) when in fact I sense they are not willing to accept change. (still talking about pizza and cheese burgers, etc? Really?)
Not all, but some. There are people who legitimately have problems, complications. But we, strangers on the internet can ever tell what is going on.
They can't understand why they keep getting stuck...There's something wrong with their band...maybe there is, and maybe it's not the band....no one on the internet can tell for sure.
That is why it is best, IMO, it's best for people to simply share their own experiences, AT ALL LEVELS, good and bad, positive and negative...
Ok, it's 4am on a Sunday, I'm rambling on with my morning coffee before heading to the gym at 6...nothing more, just rambling..and pehaps ranting.

It's 5:30am....9 degrees out with wind gusts of 20-30mph putting the wind chill way down below zero....
Snowed over night and the plow just went down the street....
Sitting here on my second cup of coffee....
The gym opens at 6am, and in spite of everything I will be there when they open (or shortly thereafter)
THERE ARE NO EXCUSES! I could easily go back to my warm bed with my wife and sleep in....put this off to another day...perhaps another day after that, then another day after that...NO! At my age I need to take advantage of every opportunity!
The more you do, the better you get, and bigger are the rewards....if I don't go, I will feel like crap all day long...and probably punish myself.
Yes, I am 100% successful with my weight loss...finished this journey (if you like that term, I don't) years ago....however I do not think I would have gotten this far from surgery alone...it was the exercise that really made it complete...no sagging skin, flabby arms, etc...all tight!
Exercise also covers a multitude of sins....it's probably the reason I can do some of the things dieters would never dream of doing....
Dr.'s have been preaching it forever...diet and exercise...diet and exercise....
I don't like the "D" word, counting calories, etc...that's all behind me...to me it's all part of the new, permanent lifestyle of healthy eating, staying active, enjoying the good things in life, (I'm not into self punishment), but never over indulging...all things in moderation.
I cannot stress enough how fortunate and pleased I am to have had this surgery...otherwise I would have been dead by now...literally! My Dr's informed me so in direct terms I was a walking time bomb.
And lets not ever forget...,behind it all the band is there quietly controlling my appetite, hunger and cravings...easy way out?
WHY SHOULD I CARE OR FEEL GUILTY!!!
Give me a break.....It just doesn't get any better than this!
Some people give up too easily at the first sign of this or that....believe me...this DOES WORK! Don't let negative people - whiners, tell you otherwise....
Many, just about all, successful lap banders move on and leave this site...believe me, it is hard to stay with all the negativity...
But that is the sole reason I stick around...somebody has to stand up to it and call it out for what it is....whether newbies want to believe it or not...

Every time I hop into my bed, or cross my legs, or bend down, curl up, stand up, etc, etc, etc, I am reminded how as we get larger, we compensate in how we move. I know I didn't realize for a very long time, the changes I made as I got heavier and heavier but I am hyper aware how much easier it is now to engage in any type of movement. Everything we do is different because it's easier the smaller one gets. It's so wonderful that I hope the feeling never goes away. Right now I'm constantly reminded of my weight loss because of this and I don't ever want it to become something I take for granted.

So true! And like others I despised seeing pictures of myself. Now I have one up on the wall beside my desk as a reminder of how happy I am to have collar bones again.

Although I am two years out from being banded, I have a number of body image issues and I find that photographs help me to see what I have trouble seeing when I look in the mirror. I know that pictures also help my buddies on this site when they wonder if they too can transform even with high BMI's or complicated co-morbidities. Here's the proof that it can be done by just limiting intake, making healthy choices, and moving a little bit. I haven't done anything to excess and have still found success. If I can do it, so can any of you. The first set of pictures is from our company Christmas party. The before is from 2011 and the after is from 2014. The other set of pictures is from a hotel I stayed at in June of 2013 and again last week. At the time of the first picture, I was already down nearly 70 lbs. and the after pic is me down 155 lbs.

I've been at goal weight for years, I am 11 years post-WLS and food is often still a struggle. Although my weight doesn't fluctuate more than 5 or so pounds from goal weight, which I maintain, it is always a struggle.
I was on a cruise last week and the buffet was like a mermaid singing her siren's song enticing me to shipwreck myself on her fattening rocks. So tempting. And for the entire week she never shut-up!

What I'm beginning to accept is that I will ALWAYS be a food addict and need to remain vigilant at all times. I won't be permanently free of this addiction and there will always be struggle involved.
It seems my only choice is whether I struggle at a healthy weight able to participate in active sporting and life endeavors or whether I will struggle while I return to morbid obesity at 333 pounds and live out my days sitting in a chair in front of the tv gorging myself.

I choose to struggle while healthy and active. I have tools and support for continuing to choose the healthy, active path.
Maybe that's as good as it gets...and that's enough!

I know the lady meant well, I'm not even mad at her, but I stopped at one of my favorite stores today, which is a discount food store, it's outdated food but it's still good, I buy mostly coffee and some cleaners, toilet paper, they have good Protein bars etc. and for my husband when your done shopping there is bakery bread a couple days old but it's good and with every purchase you can pick out the bread you want, anyhow I get home, and there are these rasberry filled pastries in my bag, glazed and white sugar coated, I tried to give them to my MIL but she is on her own diet, so that being said I hope the neighbors german shephard don't get sick, but they shouldn't let him run free if they don't want him eating rasberry filled pastries either.

We decided to help our daughter have surgery so I can't tell you how many hours I spent doing research before we picked MGB with Dr David Hargroder in Joplin. Her surgery was Feb 2009. She lost 143 pounds in 15 months and then the tornado hit Joplin. She was a crisis counselor at the time. Last year she moved and took another job and she has started losing weight again Last year I started having a lot of health issues so again I started doing research and again I decided Dr H was the best and I had my surgery Nov 2014 I am down 50 pounds and my health issues are gone and I feel 100% better. I wish I had done it years ago. My sleep apnea, diabeties, high cholestrol, problem with my veins in my legs and bladder control are all better to name a few. I started doing Zumba two days a week and walking all the time. I had to stay in the hospital an extra day when I had surgery and I have had some minimaul problems eating but it's all worth it.

My Green zone goes something like this.
I reached my green zone after my 2nd fill, two months after surgery.
I can eat whatever I want with no problems. I've never PBed, Slimmed or had food come back up. I've had a couple of "slight" stuck episodes that luckily passed quickly on their own and this was caused by the same food (French fries) which I shouldn't be eating any way.
My desire for some food that I used to LOVE such as pizza, Pasta and breads are no longer there. I just don't care to eat them, it's a choice.
I now crave healthier food (most of the time).
I know exactly how much food makes me feel satisfied, I eat 4oz chicken or Protein of choice, 1/2 c veggies and then I typically skip the starch just because I don't want it. If I'm full before I finish this "set" plate then I stop, if I'm hungry I eat what's on my plate and I'm done. If I still have that "feeling" of not being satisfied I wait an hour and resuming consuming my fluids and any feeling of hunger that was there is now gone.
I do allow myself treats, in fact I allow myself treats every day, now 99% of the time my treats are skinny cow ice cream, a Protein Bar etc. (see these are treats to me now vs. a snickers or a pint of ice cream), I've completely changed the way I live my life and it's not with the feeling of resentment I really like them AND if I do find that I want real ice cream then I eat it I just get a small vs. a large. I just need that taste now and I'm satisfied.
I do still have cravings and still have hunger. It's just that now I eat to be satisfied and nourish my body.
Much like B-52 said there are times when I go to the grocery store or a favorite restaurant and absolutely NOTHING looks or sounds good to me. At times this is frustrating because I end up just getting something because I know I have to eat but I feel like it's kind of a waist, a waist of money and honestly a waist of calories. Yes, I'm still mindful of how many calories I consume a day but I don't track them any more.
There are days when I'm hungrier than others, if I'm hungry, I eat. I just make the healthiest choices possible. I never let myself go past my set portion size, I know what amount of food satisfies me and anything more than that truly isn't hunger it's just old habits dying hard.

If you're in the green zone, describe it here.
Me: I can eat about a cup of solid food or a large salad. I chew it well and feel satisfied. If I don't chew meat really well or eat too fast, I get immediately stuck and that's the end of the meal. I can get stuck even on lunch meat eaten too fast.
As long as I don't snack between meals, I have no stomach hunger for at least four hours. If I'm "hungry" before four hours, it's probably anxiety, boredom, or another emotion. If I snack between meals it messes up that satisfied feeling and I'm looking for food all day.
I'm happier with healthier foods now that I am in the green. My latest favorite is kale salad with mushrooms, croutons, tomatoes, Parmesan cheese, olive oil and balsamic vinegar. I've also fallen back in love with Greek yogurt for Breakfast with two tablespoons of granola. I had a long running affair with hummus a few months ago.
I have no desire for French fries or burgers. This blows my mind. I do like Popeyes chicken strips. I also can't seem to ditch movie popcorn, but I know that's an emotional crutch.
I can eat almost anything except pork chops, dry chicken breast, and dry roast beef. I am able to eat soft pork, dark meat chicken or moist white chicken, and tender beef.
Recently I've been bringing my lunch to work and I'm enjoying it more. Less Popeyes and more chicken salad.
I've had five fills over ten months and I have 7.6cc in my 14cc band.
What's your green?

Today is the day I've been waiting for, for a very, very long time. And it's finally here. Officially, this morning I've lost 100 POUNDS!!! Please friends, there is no need in sending out a search party. There is absolutely no reward in their return. In fact, I've got 34 more to lose to hit my goal. DON'T look for them, don't find them. They are no good, bad news!! Today is a blessed day. <3

I definately can relate to the handicapped stall issue. I always go to that particular one no matter where i am.

I definately can relate to the handicapped stall issue. I always go to that particular one no matter where i am.

50lbs. Gone forever!!!!

Great Job! It sounds like everything is working out for you. Congrats!

On the day of my surgery, January 14th, 2013, I was morbidly obese with a BMI over 50. I was suffering from horrific knee pain and was seriously looking at spending my life in a wheelchair. I couldn’t walk more than a block without having to sit and rest. I couldn’t do the simplest of things like put on socks, or pick up my legs to shave them in the shower. I knew I was probably done traveling. I had just been on a cruise where I couldn’t get off the ship because of the pain I was in. I was wearing 4X tops and 26/28 slacks. I knew I was going to have to buy clothes online soon because I was growing out of these sizes and even places like Avenue didn’t carry sizes much bigger. The larger I got, the more invisible I felt. I worried about being able to move in spaces that were no longer big enough for me. I made sure to get to the conference room at work before anyone else so I didn’t have to bring unwarranted attention to myself by forcing my colleagues to squeeze in just so I could pass them if I couldn’t get a seat near the door. I worried about restaurants with tight seating…airplanes with narrow seats and the looks from whoever was stuck sitting next to me. Oh God…just thinking about this even now makes me so very sad and hurt because the list of painful and embarrasing situations is a long one.

That, however, was before my surgery. Today is my two year bandiversary and during those two years, I have lost around 150 lbs. That’s an amazing amount of excess weight to carry around on a very small frame. No wonder I was so uncomfortable. Today, I feel light as a feather. I can move normally again. As many of you know, I needed my hips replaced even before dealing with my knees. Turns out that my knees are fairly stable now as there is no excess weight to put unnecessary pressure on the joints. I can do all those things healthy people take for granted. I can walk anywhere and everywhere, I can cross my legs like a woman should be able to do, I can go up and down stairs…..hell, I can open my legs again and feel that marvelous weight of a man on top of me (sorry if that’s TMI but we're all adults here and sex is an important part of life that I thought was also in my past) Most of all…I fit in the world again and because I fit, the world has opened back up to me.

After 20+ years, I'm wearing petites again. I'm in small sized tops and size 6 slacks. My legs aren't tree trunks anymore and I'm wearing dresses. And just an FYI for you ladies…If you want to attract a man, wear a dress. Works like a charm.. I love to clothes shop again. In these small sizes, the clothes are cute and pretty and I don't buy anything anymore just because it fits.

I wear makeup again. My hair is styled attractively. I match the jewelry/bag/shoes to the outfits. Like I said above, I am very much aware now that people notice me. What an amazing transformation that is. To know that people see you again is such a powerful feeling….especially when you've felt invisible for so long.

I’m traveling again. In fact, I’m planning a trip to China or now possibly a Nordic cruise to Finland and Norway sometime later this year. I hope to go on one big trip every year. There are so many places I didn't think I'd ever get to and now I need to make up for lost time and go wherever my heart desires.

My grandson is due in April. I’ll be able to play with this one. My granddaughter missed out on a lot because I couldn’t keep up with her. She and I did a lot of arts and crafts, and reading books together or watching TV. I’m sure she didn’t feel like she missed anything but I know she did and this time around, Grandma is planning on climbing the monkey bars with this little guy when he gets old enough.

One last thing I wanted to put out there. I must thank Alex for creating this site. It has been my salvation. The people here were and are, instrumental in my success. I have said things in my posts that no one outside of this place can truly understand and for that I am so very grateful. I am also blessed to call many of the folks on this site good friends of mine and I can’t wait to meet some of you face to face so I can give you a big hug.

Here’s how I feel today..and most days in fact….I’m a person with two birthdays now. One in August of 1958 when I was born, and one in January of 2013 when I was re-born.

For anyone reading this post, congrats if you have also found success in your weight loss journey and to those struggling, or who are pre-op and full of doubts and worries, know that a new life is possible for each and every one of you. I'm not special so if I could do this, so can you...no matter what your co-morbidities, starting BMI, or any other challenges you are facing.

Here's a couple of before/after pics so you can see what 150 lbs. gone looks like. The ticker is just data but a picture is worth a thousand words as they say.

Hi Everyone,
I was banded in 2008 and immediately thought it was a mistake, by the time I was able to start solid foods I was vomiting. A few days later I was hospitalized for vomiting blood. In all the consultations and prepping for surgery nobody had really addressed the issues with my head. I started on the day of surgery at 229, within 3 weeks I was down to 179 severely dehydrated and has bleeding ulcers. Of course as soon as I got some fluids, the weight cam back. I thought there was no way to get over the emotional toll of those 3 weeks. I was depressed, sick, and had a world of regret. This decision was about to be the end of me.
Over the next year I tried desperately to get my fills and make them work but I was never able to get beyond 2cc's, and then, after the fiasco of the first year, I was so terrified of food getting stuck that I chose to eat with drinking just to be safe and prevent mishaps. Of course by trying to be safe about it I only reinforced my horrible way of sabotaging myself. I quickly gained my weight back and then some reaching 242 lbs.
In January of 2011 I met and began dating my husband, a 6'2" gym rat who new everything about nutrition and working out. How would he want to be with me if I'm such a fat blob? I was immediately in love with him and swore I would be skinny soon. He never cared about me saying that. But soon after I began going to the gym with him and eating like he did, meal prepping, eating 6x a day, washing it all down with fluids and never realizing the scale wouldn't budge. I increased my cardio to 2 hours a day and started lifting weights for an hour. Slowly the weight started coming off and I hit 230. Throughout 2012 I was under so much stress that I was only able to lose another 6 lbs. That is where I have been ever since. 224 lbs. Sure I would lose 5 then gain them back, but I couldn't get below it for too long.
I would still drink fluids with meals out of fear or just because I wanted the great tasting steak, knowing of course I would throw it up soon. The life I was creating, or had created, was becoming more depressing than when I was at my highest. Then something clicked, I made an appointment with my doctor and went to talk to him about starting over. he advised me that Kaiser doesn't even perform lap-Bands anymore and if I wanted it removed and get the sleeve that was an option. That appointment was this past Tuesday, December 16. My weight 220.5
I could tell that he has no faith that I can do this, he even stated "if it hasn't worked in 4 years why would it work now?" While he made a very valid point, it hasn't worked, but I GET IT now. I told him I wanted to add Fluid, see a dietitian, and see him every month. luckily the RD had an appointment 2 hours later and I was talking to her about portion size, proper food guidelines, how I meal prep, eat 6 times a day, workout for hours at a time, but still don't lose weight, and then she said the one thing I NEEDED to hear..she said "How can you expect to lose the weight like a bariatric patient when you don't act like a bariatric patient?"
Suddenly it was clear, I never ate 1/4 cup of food at a time, I never sipped on fluids, I chugged them, HOW could I NOT have problems with my band when I was acting like it didn't exist? So, here I am, two days in, 4 lbs. down, and more determined than ever to weight, measure, and time every bite that enters my body. I am committed and with your help, I will succeed.
It's great to meet you all, and 'm looking forward to getting advice and support from you.

I finally hit the 170s. Haven't seen this weight on a scale since high school. Found my high school skirt in a bag in the closet (went to an all girl's Catholic high school) and we wore plaid uniform skirts. This skirt was from freshmen year (1974).
OMG............ it fit and it fit loosely!!!!!!!!!!!

Another one.....!!! Wrapping a towel around yourself and it fits!!

I post about all kinds of things on this forum knowing that if I'm feeling them, or experiencing them, so are others. So..I don't feel that I can leave out the fact that I've begun dating again. Scary stuff...and especially as I'm right in the middle of body image issues, and this brings up rejection issues, and control issues for me. I feel like I'm walking in a field of landmines. Talk about being vulnerable...sheesh.
So last night, the fella I've been dating for a couple of months is coming to my apartment. My train is late and I get home and text him to find out if he's on his way. Turns out he's already waiting for me and comes up a couple of minutes later. I'm still in my work clothes..which happens to be a very handsome dress in a rust/coral color and he stares at me and says that I look fantastic in that dress and the only thing that would look better is if I was out of that dress..lol.
It's been such a long time since anyone has shown that kind of attention to me. I'm not a kid so no worries about being swept off my feet by a few choice words but it none the less, warmed my heart to know that someone wanted me again. Desired me again. I must be somewhat attractive for an older and somewhat wrinkly old broad.
I feel like I'm on a high today in the office. This was not on my radar. My WLS was to allow me to walk without pain and to get my mobility back. That was the plan. This romance stuff has been a really nice addition to the mix. Yes, I know putting myself out there is risky but right now I'm enjoying it and I hope to keep on enjoying it. If it's vanity, well so be it. I think I deserve a little vanity after all I've been through. I'm so happy to know that I don't have any surgeries coming up in 2015. That sentence alone tells you some of what I've been through.
So friends...back to my conference call. Break's over. Have a great rest of the day everyone!

Your boobs fall out of your bra every time you bend over.

Mrs Coffey, first let me say thank you! Second I love the article. it is tough I personally am fighting against the stigma to men, which is seemingly even higher than that associated with women, although I am not belittling anything women have to go through. Men get the , why are you having surgery just stop eating crap and workout at the gym, etc. there's a macho anti acceptance that permeates society. As a result I can say that many man and I would say women, stay away from the life changing and life saving surgeries that exist. I am keeping a blog, I do a lot of video taste tests and stuff like that as I am still pre op, but I am turning the blog into an ebook to show men what this is all like. Thee are many books including your own that are great but they are very female and men have different questions and expectations. Look at the men's forum, and the questions are very different. Together all of us can show that this is not some cop out that it is hard work, and why we needed to do it.
For Ruth1966- Ruth, I posted this in a different post on one forum, and it got a great response so I though I would re post it here for you. Maybe it will help you get your point across. Please feel free to use it as you need.
In my blog I used this analogy for when people asked me why I am having this surgery, why aren't I just going to the gym more and eating right etc.
If you are out running and your tired and you see a small hill up ahead you grit your teeth and go for it. That's losing 20 pounds. But if you saw a mountain in front of you you would probably just turn around and avoid it. That mountain is how much we ( bariatric patients) have to lose.
If I climb that mountain on my own, I will never make it, I don't have the experience nor the physical tools to do so. The best professional mountain climbers use sherpas to help them. This surgery is my Sherpa, I still have to do the climbing, but he will be there to show me the way, and all my friends and coworkers are my climbing gear that support me as I climb.
I love you all, together We can all do this.
http://cuttingthefatwithaknife.blogspot.com

Mom taught me the greatest lesson I’ve ever learned:
Self-acceptance and the desire to change are not mutually exclusive propositions


I hit 300 pounds by the age of 18. Dating back to early childhood, all my efforts to diet had failed, and always left me heavier than I’d been when I started.
In my 20s, I decided to accept my body - fat and all. No more diets. No more wasting time feeling bad about my size. From now on, I was gonna work on loving the body I had. If I remember correctly, about 10 minutes later, my mother broke the news:
“Sweetheart, I’m having weight loss surgery.”
A chorus of ‘No!’ started singing in my head. Every reason why surgery was a bad idea tried to elbow its way to the stage.
“It’s dangerous!”
“It’s expensive!”
“It’s a cop out!”
“It’s society that needs to change, not you!”
“You’re beautiful just as you are!”
“It’s their problem, not yours!”
“NO!”
My mom had gone through periods of consistently eating nourishing foods in nourishing ways, exercising every day, and sleeping well. And as a result, she knew what it felt like to be more comfortable in her own skin, and to move through the world without the burden of 150+-pounds of excess fat.
I, on the other hand, was young, and had always been overweight and out of shape, but I wasn’t gonna let that stop me from believing I knew what was best for my mother. I was an idealistic feminist college student who’d just stumbled upon the solution to suffering: loving myself just exactly as I was.
To my mind, by choosing to have surgery, my mom was being a narrow-minded, self-hating fool.
“Mom, you need to love yourself! Don’t let society tell you how your body should look!”
“I do love myself," she said. "That’s why I’m doing this. I want to be comfortable. I want to be able to do things I’m not comfortable doing at this weight. And I want to be alive and healthy for when you have babies.”
I could hardly believe the depth of her ignorance.
“There’s a support group for post-ops that’s open to the public. Please come with me,” she said.
Fine, I thought. There was bound to be some post-op there who’d almost died, or someone that couldn’t swallow...All I needed was one flesh and blood person to base my argument on, and then my mother would have no choice but to come to her senses.
“I’ll come on one condition.”
“What’s that?”
“I want you to listen to everything that gets said in that meeting. I’m not going if you’re gonna ignore the truth.”
“It’s a deal.”
My mom drove us to the meeting in Englewood, NJ. There was a facilitator, and just under 50 people in the room, mostly women in their 40s and 50s. Some had had surgery already, some were scheduled to have it, and some were just thinking about it.
I sat against the wall in silent protest. While waiting for the meeting to start, I invented a life and a personality for the facilitator, compared her to me, and decided I was superior. She started with some house-keepy details and then launched right in.
“Welcome, everyone,” she said. “First we’ll hear check-ins from the post-ops, and then, if there’s still time, we’ll take some questions.”
The post-ops shared personal stories ranging from the straightforward: ‘I had surgery, I lost a lot of weight, I feel better, and here I am,’ to the gripping: ‘I had surgery, had a bunch of post-surgical complications, and here’s what life has looked like since.’
Everyone’s story was a little different, but one thing was universal: these people hadn’t gone under the knife to get hot; they’d undergone surgery because they wanted to live as fully as they could in the time that remained, and for them, that meant being a healthier weight. Dieting had failed them, like it fails most of us, but surgery felt like it might be the answer.
The facilitator called a break. I watched as my mother got up and introduced herself to a post-op who’d shared that losing weight meant getting her blood pressure, cholesterol, and type 2 diabetes under control. The woman was older, she was not meeting any popular standards of beauty, and appeared positively vibrant. I hadn’t realized how down my mom looked until she started to brighten up talking to this woman.
The moderator called us back. People were smiling and whispering, quietly exchanging cards and phone numbers. She thanked everyone for their shares, and opened up the floor, as promised.
“Does anyone have any questions for the post-ops?”
Now was my chance. I raised my hand.
“How many of you wish you hadn’t had surgery?”
Not a single hand went up. Maybe they’re embarrassed, I thought. Surely the ones who’d had complications felt foolish for having had surgery, but maybe peer pressure was keeping them quiet.
I needed to ask a better question, get them to talk about the danger.
“Uh...can I ask one more?” the facilitator nodded.
“What’s the biggest, scariest risk to having surgery?”
There was a tiny pause. My brain fired off all kinds of answers: Vitamin deficiencies! Pain! Death!
“Judgement.”
What?
“Being criticized.”
Wait, what?
“When people think surgery’s the easy way out, or a sign of weakness, or just a stupid idea, and they never stop letting you know." Huh.
According to a roomful of WLS post-ops, having to deal with my criticism might be the biggest, scariest risk my mom would face if she had surgery. Compared to daily, holier-than-thou judgement, even post-surgical complications might seem trite and manageable.
My mom do go ahead with her surgery. In under a year, I watched her regain much of the health and livelihood she’d lost. A little over a year later, I went to the same surgeon.
Ever since I opted to have gastric bypass surgery myself in 2003, I can tell you that the folks at that meeting were right.
I’ve worked my tail off to get well, to get an honest handle on my relationship to food, and to create a body I love. I became a personal trainer, coach, and educator to help others do the same. As a wellness professional, I’ve been judged for having had surgery in much the same way I was judged for being the fattest kid on the playground, except now, it’s often by other fitness “professionals.”
I’ve since apologized to my mother for the grief I tried to give her when she first started exploring surgery as an option. And I’ve thanked her for sparking the greatest lesson I’ve ever learned - the lesson that I’ve dedicated my career to teaching to others:
Self-acceptance and the desire to change are not mutually exclusive propositions - they can co-exist. In my experience, and that of countless clients and students, the only way to make lasting, sustainable, positive change is to begin from a place of love.