j_war06

My last therapist overlooked what was wrong with me, since it is rather rare.....turns out I am BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).....The symptoms do describe me to a T......Im seeing a counselor Monday, and Im very anxious and a little paranoid about it to tell you the truth....I just dont want them to hall me off to some place ya know? But I do need help, its getting worse ALLL the time! I now notice thanks to you guys (although I argued with you guys) and a couple of my friends that have noticed that something just isnt right with me.... I really just wanted to say thanks, you guys helped a lot!

I mean Ive seen a therapist before and I was just diagnosed with clinical depression, but after reading up on boderline personality disorder, it sounds very likely.

Im giving in and going to the counseling center on campus, I found it....however its more stress management from what I can see...I dont see it being very helpful for my mental health issues....my friend came into my room the other day and talked to me about how she sees me and the way I act and she just doesnt get my extreme highs and lows and how they are so sudden....and a few other symptoms of what you guys have been preaching....I hope they can help me there, however Im almost positive they are going to make me see an outside Psychiatrist, which Im not sure I can afford. I kind of see the light, Ive been doing some self-reflecting and although Im happy, Im happy for the wrong reasons I suppose....I dont feel motivated to do my school work or even hold a job...yet Im motivated to just be in social settings and around people..

Im not authorized to sell either car, they arent in my name....Purses decrease in value, and therefore arent worth what was paid for them........enough of that... NO, Im not gonna date someone I met in a bar....thats just rule #1. I like my boy to be good guy, but I like one that likes to look good...I dont want a guy that doesnt care about his body. I want to feel the strength and muscles when I lie on their chest....that is just my thing...he doesnt have to look like a body builder or anything, but nice definition is great. I guess time will tell, and until then I will let myself have fun, but not too much fun...my ex-boyfriend is nothing like my guys I have now, and they really are not very similar either.

I do protect myself, I have a god son for God's sake and thats enough!lol! And I definately dont need anything else down there lol! I am probably getting out of this phase of my life with the ex walking back in......I like to see the therapist, but I really dont trust them here, and I really need my money....Im telling you guys money is an issue, especially with me quitting my job and trying to find a new one soon, as well as figuring out what is going on with my body! Ive been menstrating for over a month now, not fun guys, not fun! It has something to do with birth control pills, I know that...but I dont know what else is going on there, so Ima get it checked out... I wish I could open myself to settle down like my friends....find a nice guy....but my type of guy is never the type to settle down for some reason...Im attracted to the kind of guy that likes to play the field...the jerk type (doesnt treat me badly, but has a big ego you know?) I like the muscular type that think that they are all that.Ive been thinking about that....that maybe I need a guy to settle down with for a little while......I just dont know where to find him??????? Class is a usual option, but I dont see anyone in class that I am compatible with....so where else>

Yes I have 2 cars, I have a sports car for the winter and for fun and an SUV for the summer going to the beach and such and when a large group of people and I go out. My parents bought them for me before I even went to college....college is breaking my family, we live a lot tighter lives these days. Neither one of my cars are brand new, the car is a 2000 and the SUV is a 2003 or 2004.........I dont believe in true love, because I found it once and it bit me in the butt! Therefore I refuse to have a serious relationship, I hope that changes someday, but right now I dont want to be serious and allow feelings for someone else. I am ver superficial, Im very vain, its part of my personality, but I promise you this, I take care of the ones that can see past it and get inside me to know me. Im quitting my job today, Ive been really sick lately, I dunno if it is the band or what, but until I find out, I need to be working a desk job. Which I think will yield a much larger income anyway. They werent giving me any hours and kept hiring more staff, so I cant make money there. Im going to the Dr. today just to get things checked out, Ive been on some medication that I think is making me sick, we will find out Im sure. Just to show you guys Im not easy though, I had a pretty cute guy hit on me last night, but when he got to close, I made him go away...My tough side came out lol! I got rid of him...only because Im not taking on any more boys after these are done, thats it....for a while...my ex is moving here soon, in a few months, and we are getting a house, and I need to be focused on getting that together, and finding a new job and so forth and so on. I dont get why its a bad thing to keep two guys around....Ive never had boys...I had the same boyfriend for 3 years, we had a dream, but apparently he lost the dream and we split, and now we are friends again, he walked back into my life, not I to him. I guess I still love him thought, just not the same way I once did....then for a year and a half I was the girl who you came to to hook up 2 people, but never get asked out or hit on or anything....and even before that during me dating him and such I never got attention from other guys, I never did growing up either....I was never anyone's secret crush, or valentine or anything, except my ex. I guess Im just finally getting out what Ive wanted my entire life, Im finally getting it and Im taking full advantage of it.

Are you all nuts? I dont buy all those expensive things for myself! I have rent to pay, upkeep on my cars, food, gas, school fees, tuition and so forth....If a guy can use me, why cant I use the guy??? Dont you guys understand that? Im using them just as well...I dont feel like Im messing up...my self-esteem has never been higher than it is right now and its not just the boys....Im getting hit on a lot more, I wear clothes that actually fit me well instead of too big, I feel like getting out of bed every day instead of just lying there.....Oh and its agreed that I get the dog if anything happens and we decide to split again, but one bad fight in 10 years isnt too bad of a record.....I like having a life....I like having a guy or guys I can talk about with all my friends....they all have someone, and I never have, even before I moved here, for a year I could never talk to my friends about guys because I didnt have one...now I have two.....Its not like they dont spend the night, or kick me out of their beds after its over, they actually want me to stay and we hang out and chill the next day, I will want to leave or whatever because I do understand a guy's mind a lot better than a chick's, thats why I dont have friends that are girls, they are too messy, guys could care less what you do in your personal life unless your killing yourself ofcourse. I just dont understand why I cant be like a guy with that sort of thing....oh and also its not like its different random guys either, Ive seen them more than once ever, and they talk to me outside of, yes I will say it, SEX.....and I keep it going, its not like a love em and leave em thing....PLUS Ive known these guys for a while now, I met the stripper in September and the bartender around October....theyve both been chasin me since then.

Yes, I have temper tantrums, I was raised as an only child. I got everything Ive ever wanted in my entire life....my parents spent $15,000 on my band, and its working, im losing weight and Im happy with that...however it is a shame that a woman is dissed for the same thing a man would be partially praised for...having two people that is....I take care of myself....I go to class, i do my work, i maintain my job, and still somehow hold a decent social life....yes Im going out tonight....its college night and a new friend invited me to go.... I like to be glamorous, I like to have that sense about me, however all my friends know that I am a real person, and if someone cant see through all the glitz and glam, the louis and the coach, then they didnt really want to be my friend and get to know me. Actually a lot has changed in a month, Ive become a very confident person. Im on a wait list for a house in August which Im splitting with my ex-boyfriend, however we are not getting back together, I made that clear and he agreed...we are getting a dog and live in our own little happy world. The house is so cute and very nice, and coincidentally identical to the one we used to sit around and draw when we were bored back in the glory days.

im not ignoring you guys, ive been busy with working, school, and a social life. every thing that I have done lately has been for free...like i went to a concert this week in Houston and it was all free except the gas. Im not an over eater, i dont eat my problems away, i never have or never will. I havent been drinking lately because I dont want to spend the money....any drinking that I do, is free. I still cant afford $125 an hour for a therapist, thats what mine costs, and Im sure its much greater in a bigger city. I have to admit that life is going my way right now....everything is great. I do feel a little unmotivated as far is getting stuff done that I need to get done, but if I just start doing it, then I will finish it. BTW, Im on BC and always use condoms, always! And just because he's a stripper, doesnt make him that promiscuous. In fact, when he does a show or anything relevant to stripping, he doesnt use his real name, he makes one up so that they cant call him or have anything more to do with him. Im just having fun right now, but I am calming down some...yes I go out, but Im not drinking, Im dancing mostly...and if you people think that I have ever even given my stripper even a dollar your mistaken...he came to me! Thats how I roll, the boys come to me if they want to talk to me, not I to them. Im trying to get even more focused on school....both boys are definately encouraging that, they make sure i go to class, and get homework done. I will never allow myself an abusive relationship, I am a princess and I should be treated like one, I grew up in the country, dont think I cant hit or talk back! I dont even want a relationship right now, I dont need that on my plate, thats why I turned down the bartender last week when he decided he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I would never date someone that well, say the relationship started backwards lol! But seriously, I am smarter than that. I am happy with life, things are going great right now. Im finally everything I want. When I walk into the room, club, bar, whatever, I am the star! I dont want the attention the whole time, just when I walk in, and I want people to notice when I leave, and they do. I get hit on often, and I pretty much get what I want. Ive networked myself in this city, and now Im VIP at atleast 3 hot spots! Treated like a princess....at any of them. I dont know if you people understand, but I like to be noticed in a crowd, Im from a small town, where I knew everyone and they knew me, and I could do anything I wanted without consequences (I mean within reason, obviously if I were dumb enough to be on drugs and I got busted I wouldnt get away with that, or murder or anything). It feels good to know that you are going to be pampered when you go out, that people know you and love you to death!

hmmm.... thats strange they wont fix it, usually its a pretty simple surgery..........

Actually the girls that were working were lesbians lol, no fear there, especially when he's hugging and kissing on me

my sex drive has definately gone up, but then again there are more boys interested, so i dunno which is the more important variable....however, i would definately say that I have a nice drive since I have to keep 2 boys around just in case lol

hey girl, plastic doesnt decompose inside the body...lots of really important (life-saving immediate) surgeries use plastic parts...they are concerned for you i suppose...i have issues with mine the same thing....get an unfill and try again slowly filling the band....right now im on an unfill because of the throwing up and stuff...i had no idea that i had a problem however until they unfilled me....i was literally eating a handfull of food A DAY! i couldnt get anything down, and was throwing up everything that went in my mouth..........so yeah, its hard, but trust me it will work out, dont give up!

okay, so since work, ive lost about 10 more lbs! Which I needed since being unfilled has left me with gaining about 8, so therefore Ive lost 2lbs from what i was....im happy! Spring break is approaching so thats good that im losing weight! lol!! As for my love life......hmmm....its interesting, im going to leave bartender alone for a little while, i will go back to him on occassion, im sure of it, but he got to comfy with me, and I with him, and I dont want to deal with that right now..... Ive got the stripper yay! I like the way he is....he's hot and has a GREAT personality, like for real! We actually went out to eat the other night after going out and he made the girls at whataburger laugh and stuff....he was being crazy and I thought it was because he was drunk, but when we got back out to the parking lot, he took me in his arms and said, "see, I just made an hour of their time go by so much quicker." I was like AWWWW! That was nice, I realized then he wasnt drunk, ofcourse he had been drinking, but he wasnt drunk. That was so nice. I cant believe someone like him can actually be a nice person! crazy right?

omg! he's hot tho! I told you I was using this more like a blog than anything else...so therefore i tell that I am seeing a stripper...... Bartender asked me to date him, be his girlfriend, although he's cute, I told him no........Im too afraid of a relationship right now....i have enough on my plate...

yeah, i believe it was worth it!

i did self-pay

I sneak a budlight or corona every now and then, but I usually stick to cocktails....I admit that I was on the way to alcoholism, but I havent been drinking as much lately which is great....its partially because im scared because they think I may just now be developing diabetes! After all Ive gone through, not having any signs or anything...then I lose weight and it hits me! Ridiculous!

i know, but he knows whats going on there....Im not gonna kick him to the curb lol! I still need some late night lovin! haha thats horrible of me! My male stripper has an agent sort of thing, more like a bookie or whatever.....Im not gonna do it, I still weigh like 180lbs, not good for a stripper! Im sitll geitting free stuff out of it tho! yay

yes i want you guyz opinions, if i didnt I wouldnt post on here....so say it! lol I will not take up the offer, as i did say....the compliment was merely that I was pretty enough and had the moves to be a stripper...which Ive never heard in my whole life....I spent the night with him last night, and all day today....I got a little sick (the band ofcourse!) and he took care of me today! HEY! atleast he's a good player! I only have the two men....Im starting to crack down on my whole life....Im working, although I dont like it, its not hard, its not a bad job....its just not what I like to do....I like to work in retail and in clerical, not in restaurants....I dont have the mentality to put up with people yelling at me all day! I cant handle it! But ive only been there a week so Im gonna stick it out, until I find something else

oh no! Im not interested in actually dating the stripper....however he does have another job and he goes to college...its not like that is his only source of income. He is actually a respectable guy, and I would even let my parents meet him... As for Bartender, I spent the night there last night and all day today...I know he is a man whore, or I pretty much suspect it of him lol! BUT he is offering me a lot....however Im not going to take it as more than a compliment, I will not actually do it because Im not comfortable enough with my body..........let me get to the point....he wants me to be a dancer, and by dancer I mean a pretty word for stripper! ITS SO FLATTERING! He was telling me how much money I could make! He wants to be my agent of sorts (thats how stripping works)......I think its sooooo weird because thats definately one thing Ive never heard before in my life! Dont you guys think that is strange? He says that if i stick with him, then he will pay for anything I want....he wants to pay for my breast implants (which I mentioned, not him) and anything else I want...he wanted to take me shopping today! Just because! But I didnt have time because of work! Im so still in shock! He wants to take care of me, and he wants me to quit my job I have now...which i cant because I just started and I like it enough not to quit, however I cant help but let that linger in the back of my mind.........someone actually thinks I could be a stripper!

I dont get attached because well actually i dont know a friend of mine and I were talking about this earlier.....but I guess that I kno Im not actually official with any of them, that I dont feel bad ??? Maybe its because I know none of them are THE ONE, so I dont care ??? Maybe I was so hurt by my last relationship that Im afraid to have feelings for someone else, so it doesnt matter..... But I know that Im not actually pinned to one guy, so I dont really care....I really lack on the feelings side tho....I suppose Im still waiting around until my ex and I decide to settle down again? And Im just occupying my time....many things to consider Frankly, it doesnt even really bother me to see them flirt with other chicks....but thats because I know that at the end of the night, if I work it, they will come home with me I would actually consider dating the stripper (if we were talking about just meeting and no fooling around at first ya know?) He really is caring and a good guy, believe it or not, its the truth....he calls or texts me every day just to say hi...not to come over.....so that says a lot really

Punkey! Dude if you can learn to shoot a certain kind of Liquor you will be everyone's hero! Mine is Rum, used to be Vodka or Malibu, but I ended up getting tired of it! Trust me, if you can get your tolerance up, ur everyone's hero! lol! I kno I am! I drink 3 times as much as everyone else i go out with, I impress the bartenders and thats sayin something

Im hoping for a "great" V-Day night, make a couple of phone calls....most likely the stripper would be hotter on VDay right? LOL! Im so bad! I did a special thing for my friend for Valentine's day, I went and bought a bunch of stuff and put it in a baggy for him. he and his ex-bf are still broken up, and he just cant get over it.......so I bought a lot of cool stuff plus roses to give to him. I like to do that sort of thing for others... As for me, I bought myself some flowers and am taking myself out for dinner (maybe) and probably do homework until one of my boys comes over.....You know, it doesnt even bother me that much that Im my own Valentine......just sickening to see all the other mushy crap!

oh lordy, drunken nights! I do that most nights outta the week lol! College is amazing! As far as the calories go, I dont eat that much, so I can handle the calories in the drinks....I love this things my special (and I do mean special) bartender puts together called illusions......trust me, you know its for me, its about 3 times stronger than a normal one! lol and its about 3 dollars cheaper too! Yay for me and flirting!