Angelmom

Managed to get a shower, and walk the stairs with relative ease on the way up. Later in the day, I drove my daughter to dance class at the YMCA, and I sat in the park on my chair, reading the paper and trying to enjoy being outside for the first time since I went in the hospital. My son played with a friend at the park, too. Time passed slowly...but it was chilly, uncomfortable, and way past an hour when my son came over to me and I asked him to try and find his sister. I sat there feeling very vulnerable. There were way too many mutts there, and I'm deathly allergic to animals, and have some hefty asthma...so I didn't appreciate the way people were treating the public park like a private dog park. Some of the dogs were pretty large, strong and unruly, and near me...though I picked a semi-private spot to sit and try to relax. Then the hoodlums showed up, as did smokers and other characters. I was looking through one of the newspapers that have piled up and I saw an article about the person who got hired for a position I thought I would have a good chance at...and the article said that the guy they hired was groomed for the position, ect. I was told that when I was subbing in that district...and the article denied it...but there was one vote down by one of the board members for that cited reason...you know it's true...and I'm jobless and worried about that too!...then this political who-you-know crap takes over....so anyway....My daughter was not coming back, though her lesson is only 30 minutes long. I was in pain...belly hurting and feeling squished on itslef from sitting up and from my arms being close to the sides of my belly. I started to worry that my daughter might be in trouble....and that I am in such a vulnerable position that I wouldn't even be able to look for her. She wasn't coming back out...and I just sat there getting upset--because a red car tried to kidnap some children in a town not too far from here, and ready to cry...worrying about being forced to move out of our place, or being attacked-in my post surgical state...or having my child go missing...or get a chest cold from my irresponsible son--which would land me back in the hospital...and whatever else came into my head...because of how weak and dependent I am right now...plus I was cold and hungry. I am all we have...and I feel like it's taking forever to get better. ....I had felt ok this morning enough to even put some of my smaller clothes on to see how they fit...just a couple blouses that I got too fat to wear...I was a bit worn down from the shower and being up moving around, so I took a rest--that my son woke me up from. My girl wanted to go to dance...so I felt things out and thought I could sit there for half an hour and make the drive over to the Y...but it just made me hurt. I have had to take my pain meds, tonight. I feel guilty that my daughter is looking after me....she shouldn't have to. I feel teary-eyed, today, after being stuck in the park. My daughter said she was sorry for not coming out right after the lesson. She was learning some new steps after class. Once we got home and I sat in my recliner...she made me tomato soup, and she prayed for me, and told me I was safe and not to worry and that she likes doing these little things for me....and then she gave me her stuffed horse that I gave to her when she went in the hospital the last time. I sure hope this was worth it...that I lose the weight and am much better off than I am now, or have been in a long time. I think what I have to do is lean on Jesus. I didn't go into this lightly, or without the guidance of the Lord...and as I feel so vulnerable...now is the time to lean on Christ...so that's what I'm trying to do.

The workouts don't need to be so intesnse, from what I've experienced. TRaining really hard can actually do damage to your joints...as it has done to mine. Getting 3-20minute walks in has the same effect on the body as walking for 60 minutes. Some people may be able to do the hardcore stuff...but some cannot, and the walks split up like I do, works as well. I also would not risk having solid food in my sleeve...because it CAN spring a leak and cause problems...why take that risk. Be happy with the weight you are losing and just be careful...you'll get there. That's what seems to work for me.

Yesterday I drove to Geisinger, Danville for my post-op appointment...I thought 11 days was too soon for that, but could not get the appointment changed...so I drove there and took my daughter with me to help. The appointments went well. My surgeon is the best!..best at her job, and best at treating patients like human beings...etc. She is up on all the latest research, as well. It was good to see her, and we gave her a small jar of our home-made jam...which she was so happy to get. I had put 2x2's on each of my 6 slices, for extra protection, and when the surgeon went to look at the incision sites, the tape had causes an inflamed, red, itchy reaction everywhere there was tape. As it turns out, the backs of my calves had been painful, especially the left one, for a couple days after I got home from the hospital. I thought they were sore from my junky recliner foot rest, but turns out they might have been clots forming. I did walk, several times per day and had the pressure boots on in the hospital. There was swelling in the ankles and lower legs, and my daughter put the stockings on and we elevated the legs with pillows when I was sleeping or trying to rest a bit, and that took care of it...but the doctor sure was concerned. Thank goodness I was able to give myself the blood-thinner shots, because I think they helped. Apparently, the amount of pain I have felt is "normal," though I was illprepared for it! I am right on track for healing, and should get my energy back in 6 weeks. Still not allowed to lift or bend or squalt for anything...which I am fine with. My bowels had not moved, so I now have Miralax to take...fun, fun, fun! I also mentioned to the surgeon that the nursing care I received caused me setbacks, and I wondered if anything was going to change, and she told me that the doctors have been trying to change the nursing care--lack of--but that the hospital considers doctors to be "employees" and the hospital will not listen to doctors. Go figure! The nutritionist said I can have eggs, cottage cheese, and ricotta cheese...and all I like of those is eggs, but Honestly, I am satisfied with my few protein shakes and crystal lite. The problem wiht that nutritionist is he wanted to touch my incisions, and he did NOT wash his hands! I had to tell him "don't touch me, you didn't wash your hands." He then told me that he washed before he came in the room. I said, "but you touched the doorknob, the computer keyboard, the mouse, and other things, and I don't do germs, and don't want an infection." Then he got up and sanitized--instead of washing...but he still didn't get to touch me much. The nurse put the bp cuff on me the wrong way, AGAIN, and did not clean the cuff. I asked her if it was cleaned when she was about to put it on me, and she said, "we don't clean those between patients." I said, please clean it, because I don't want other people's germs on me." She reluctantly cleaned it. Then she put the thing on my arm with a big gap at the elbow point, and tight at the top...I told her it was not on right, and that I'm sick and tired of getting black and blue marks on my arms. She kept adjusting it wrongly, and so I had to show her to criss cross the velcro a little so that the tops and bottoms had even space betwee the cuff and arm. After that, she put her thumb on the stethoscope...also wrong procedure--since the thumb has a pulse that can be mistaken for a person's heart beat. The other nurse at the other apointment did the same thing....and I told them both that I've been through nursing school, and know how to take a bp, and this isn't it. I'm going to write the hospital administrators a letter to try and change some of these problems. I still have black and blue marks at the top of my arms from when i was in the hospital. I had a couple other things to write, but can't remember what they were...the brain is still half in a fog. I have lost 3 more pounds, and have not been this "light" since about 6 years agoo when I was putting myself through undergrad school...and on the rise as far as weight goes. It's sweet to be losing weight. I have visions of myself going upstairs to my massive amount of clothes in all sizes, and trying on some pretty things!....nice jeans, here we come! I am worried that I will gain weight back at the 6 month mark...the doctor said that's a critical time for a lot of bariatric patients...I'm worried, but have no plans to gain weight... I want it off, and then to work at keeping it off. What a waste to have the surgery, go through living hell, and then gain the weight back! I guess it's something to beware of, and work on not having it happen. Went for a drive to the store to stock up on food for the children...made me tired and drained...at least I am up and around, getting exercise. My belly does not like pants, or sitting in a car. I'm looking forward to being all better...and having lost the weight, and being able to eat normally.

Ty! I'm trying.

Slept well, first time since getting home. Got brave and made the twins egg sandwiches....but got tired out fast. Son not listening well...I ended up crying because there isn't one thing he does that doesn't have some grand problem attached to it. He's been sick with a cold since I was in the hospital. Now he has to wear a mask, not touch banisters, clean up more often-particularly in the common areas. What he does is touch everything, not clean his hands, and not listen when I ask for something...like when I called him downstairs to get him out of his room for a change...and I asked him to clean his hands and get the SpongeBob mugs for the hot chocolate....he took so long to do whatever it was he was doing--not what I asked him to do, clearly...that I had to do it myself. It's one thing after another...he's the only one upstairs, and has the whole bathroom to himself...I just wanted him to clean the doorknobs, sinke, toilet, and make sure the tub wasn't trashed so I don't come away from the shower sick or with some kind of infection...did he clean it up? Nope! I was crying because there I was sitting on the hard cedar chest, holding myself up with the metal walking stick that goes to the exercise trampoline--which I never use, anyway. I told him a piece of my mind...because we have been preparing for this for months, and he should know better than to trash the place! He's 14, and I took care of him all these years, through all his surgeries...and last year, he was out of school for 3 months, at which time, I nursed him and did homeschooling so he wouldn't get behind. You'd think that would motivate him to help me by cleaning up afte himself. It's so frustrating. Even with his special needs, there is no excuse for not doing basic things to help me. Needless to say, I was exhausted after waiting around a nd standing there, and yelling at him, and getting emotionally upset and everything...and I took an afternoon nap. My friend came over to rehearse for the Halloween skits we do for Eckley Miner's Village...and she still has it in her head that I am going to be involved, though I told her over and over that I'm not. I don't even know if I can do the sewing of a few costume pieces...the belly does not like being rubbed...not even by soft nightgown cloth. I might just have to tell her "no" and give her the stuff back altogether. She may get her feelings hurt, but honestly, that's not my problem...I have to take care of me. Tomorrow I have to drive myself to the hospital for the post-op check up and visit with the nutritionist. It's an hour and a half drive...and I don't want to go. In an effort to prepare for that, I have cut way back on pain meds. I wish I had help, or family that gave a care about me...that would help me get a ride there and back. At least I have my 14 year old daughter who will go with me and help me get to the office. She can make up her cyberschool classes in the evening or next day. I'll have to try and help her. I have also lost 2 more pounds, today...if 2lbs a day loss keeps happening...gee, I'll be in my smaller and prettier clothing in no time at all....at least I see that side of things now. The pain is a lot less but not gone. I still have to lift myself up into the back of the recliner after I manage to sit down, and now the one side/arm is loose. I hope it does not break before I'm better enough to climb the stairs every night for bed. The chair has been really comfortable to sleep in, actually, better than my bed. My back hurts now but nothing like it does when I get out of my bed....maybe I'll make the recliner my bed. I cannot get all that protein in. I try and get close, but it's just too much. I do think about eating real food...but then I don't really want any real food either. I've gone back to adding water to my sugar free carnation protein packets...helps it taste better and go down better. I can't wait to ge some bariatric soups or other foods that fit the diet...I'm so sick of these 2-3 things. On the other hand, I am very fortunate not to have some of the problems others seem to have. I hope my restricted stomach does it's job. Gas is an issue, though. Every time I put something in my stomach, I feel the gas pains...still wondering if the "food" is pushing the gas down, stimulating peristalsis, thereby pushing the gas toward the exit sign. I hope so, and that I'm not drinking too fast. I can hardly believe it's been 10 days since the procedure...seemed like it would never get here and now it's passed. I itch like crazy, so I imagine that soon, this day will seem like years ago, in the not-too-distant future.

I tried to puree some hamburger from a pan of Hambuger Helper that I made while preparing for surgery, before I left for the hospital, in an effort to be prepared. It wouldn't break down in my small shake mixer. How does one puree things? Is there a special machine? I would like real food too...but just try to get protein in, and drink enough fluids.

I'm down 2.6 lbs again, this morning. I'm tired from trying to do some things yesterday and from the increase in pain from moving around. The belly binder works nicely to stop the jiggling, but it itches and kind of rubs the one incision line, and is making it bleed a little, so I took it off instead of loosening it, to allow the slice lines to get air. Pain is higher without the binder on, though. Monday is my post-op appointment, and I have no one to drive me, so I'm going to have to do it myself. They office wont' change the appointment, either....so, I'll take it easy this weekend, and just try to get that healing protein in...and dream a little of meatballs at the Bloomsburg fair. I have not been this "light" since the beginning semesters of my internships a few years ago. I cannot wait to get down a lot more. Seeing some pounds fall off me is ecouraging...helps me be strong and motivated, and feel a little more positivity, and helps me to look to the future more. My son is still ill, and he is wearing a face mask. He must shower as soon as he gets in the door, and sanitize his hands every 15-60 minutes. I missed my little buddy, since he has to stay in his room to protect me...so I had him come down here with me and keep real clean and away from me so he can watch some tv. My intercostal muscles still hurt. I had felt like I had the body aches from flu after the surgery, and that stiffness and soreness is still here. I'm still black and blue from being dug with needles in the hospital, but at least those sites don't hurt, anymore. I want to stop taking pain meds....maybe Sunday will be a good day for that....since I have to be on the road at 7am on Monday to drive an hour and a half to the hospital.

i wrote you a message and it did not send...bummer. Try to have your shake nearby...even a little that you can sip. I just put some cinnamon in a vanilla one, and it transformed it! I hope I'm allowed to do that...I think I'm not, come to think of it. If you are far enough out, you can try that...it tastes like rice pudding, kind of. I made my children lots of frozen meals....like a gallon of cooked meatballs that could be gotten out and put into sauce in the crock pot, and precooked noodles that could be heated up...and wala. No cooking for me. They do the clean up, too. I wonder if something like that would help you.

I got in almost 300 calories today. I wanted the procedure to put a screaching halt to the diabetes that were impending, to the arthritis, degeneration of my joints, fatty liver, metabolic syndrome,...etc. I'm not nearly in as much pain, and spent the morning into early afternoon on only Tylenol so that I could drive my daughter to the store and she could go in and get stuff the twins need. I did ok. I'm still tired, though managed to get a knap, and I took the binder off while I slept and let air get to my belly...seemed to help. I'm tired, tonight from the commotion of going to the store...there were some glitches. I wish some of my favorite tv shows were on to kill some of the time. I'd also like to upload resumes and letters of reference into education websites to look for a job...but to heck with that! I can sit here, but if I start moving around, my belly gets giggled and could be bumped off the edge of the desk...and my arms push on the belly, which makes me have more pain. I'll just wait to look for a job. It's not like my info isn't out there. I'll stick to walking and resting. I also lost 3 lbs. more today. My daughter says my backside looks a lot smaller. I can see my knuckles and veins again, and we put the anti-embolism stockings back on--the right way. I do wish I could eat regular food...even just a little...but there is no way in hell I'm going to risk another surgery...NO WAY! I'm still black and blue from the attempts at iv's, and my stretch marks are still red from being blown up so much during the procedure, and from the binder. I put thick medical pads between the slices and red parts of my skin and the binder, and that helped. The nurse was no help on Monday after I got home, and now that I'm moving around and my little girl nursed me to this point...the nurse wants to come back. I don't think so! What I needed was help going to the bathroom, getting meds, getting up and down out of the chairs, getting a shower....I can take my own blood pressure, and don't see how nurses can make $163 an hour (or how services can charge that) just to take my bp and look at my booboos. The nurse wouldn't even get my meds for me. It's a bunch of crap. I told her not to bother coming back here tomorrow--at the crack of dawn, no less!...and told her that what I needed was not fought for...no waivers were requested from insurance...and she informed me that she told the insurance company that my drain incision was "not deep!" They would have covered more if she said it was! How could it not be deep when it went directly to my stomach! She's a flake, and was from before she walked in here. I don't want her back, anyway. My brothers who have come around this summer...never bothered to see if I was ok, or needed help, even though one of them promised to help me...he was simply silent. Now he claims he couldn't call me these last 7 days because he was in the hospital over night for a faint. What happened to the other 6 days? Aren't there phones everywhere?...like his wife's phones checked on me is my pal, Diane, who voluteers with us at a local museum. She's bringing us soup on Sunday. My mother who lives a short way from me, but who never has an interest in us, was not at all interested in anything I wanted or needed....she is so selfish, and the three of them disgust me. I am amazed how you find out who your friends are when you really need something. My daughter is going to get paid $20 for her hard work helping me at home between cyber school classes and days. My son has a chest cold, and has been very faithful in wearing his face mask and staying in his room...so since that is his part, I will pay him as well...less, though, because he hasn't done the care that my daughter has for me...then again...not being infected with a serious lung infection, cough, cold, flu...is probably worth $20 for helping mom in her tough time of need. He's a good boy. I'm worried about the chores and things I have to do, and that I am not going to be able to do them for a while...oh well...of bigger concern is the air conditioners are still in the windows and I have to figure out what to do with them for the cold times until I can get them out of the windows...honestly, that is a HUGE feat for me to put them in, let alone take them out, because of my arthritis and things. I'm going ot have to research how to weatherize and leave them in the windows...and maybe find a strong man to take them upstairs ac's out of the windows for me. We'll see. I'm thankful I have a house to be in, a chair to sit in, the comforts of a home...not a rich home, but a pleasant and secure one. I hope I always have a home for the rest of my life,a nd that we are ok....and that means that sometime soon, I have to find a job. Hiccups, and gas are an issue, still, pulling pain in the stomach is a bit of an issue, and the headache seems to have dissipated. I keep the fans on, and my slippers on, and prop my arms on the recliner arms with extra pillows. I am looking forward to my post-op visit, as well as writing some letters about some of the lack of care I have received.

My belly was so distended with gas from the surgery, that my old stretchmarks are bigger and itching! I also have 6 incisions which are much bigger than I thought they'd be...and two of them are under the breast, with another one close to the breast. All of them are itching and driving me crazy. The support device they give you that wraps around your belly, becomes like a sock that has been on too long...annoying, and leaves marks on your skin...which for me, itch! I have to use a rash cream for some of the redness that is raised and itchy, and have put large gauze pads in the sweaty areas, and over the wounds, but under the device, so as not to aggravate the incision lines. Seems to be helping. And the gas....ugh...hurts as it rolls around trying to escape. I had the device off today, and the insides of me were none too happy about it! I'm happy to have it, despite the itching and tugging, etc. I am reminding myself that despite my feelings thus far, that there are supposed to be benefits to having the sleeve and restriction...so that should mean that my puffed up, uncomfortable, stretched to the brim belly will soon be much smaller! Looking forward to that, and wearing my pink skirt.

Thank you. I'm trying. Just know, and prepare yourself for the hell you are about to face. Preparation and state of mind are everything, sometimes. I just long to be able to eat regular food. I don't want to eat so much that I gain weight...I just want to be normal, again....for what that's worth.

Finally showered. Was tough. Needed my girl to help me in and out and to dry off...so not fair to her. Shower took a lot out of me, made my belly hurt more, between the stairs--up and down--and having to wash myself, as well as take off the binder. That binder is a must. I also spent last night and this morning coughing a lot of gunk up, sticky, clumpy brown and other colored mucus. Apparently, that's normal...especially for an asthmatic. My body tried to cough before, but the pain was so bad, I couldn't. Now that pain has gone down quite a bit, I could cough and try to repeat it over and over until the junk came up....which made my pain significantly increase, but made my lungs feel cleared out. I am getting close to my pre-surgery lung capacity. Still can't get the protein in, but working at it. Very tired, though, and weak...couldn't really nap either. Wishing I could go outside and exercise...missing my walks...and even having a little food. Such is life, and I chose this...must move forward. All I want to do is be better, feel normal.

Since being in the hospital, my lungs have been at least partially collapsed. I worked to be strong beforehand, given my hefty asthma, and worked to lift my chest and deep breathe, try to tolerate some coughing to clear the lungs of gunk. Until last night, that was extremely painful, and exhausting. I managed to take a relatively deep breath and give two coughs on the exhale. I'd swallow, since it would not come up to be expelled, otherwise. Then I learned to just carefully take another breath instead of swallowing, and let the product of another breath and double cough push the first junk up higher. Through doing this repeatedly, through to this morning, and at some points, somewhat against my will--since my body was sometimes coughing on it's own...I'm managed to clear my asthmatic lungs and feel that there is very little left unexpanded. I still have more coughing to do, but my lungs have gotten stronger, finally. I've been taking my rescue inhaler about 3 times per day to help expand and keep open the bronchioles so that they are not stressed and weakened. I am now exhausted....the coughing takes great effort, and the pain sucks the life out of you. My nose is still producing bloody gunk from the O.R....but I think it is close to all cleaned out now...not sure why there was all that blood in my nose. I'm starting to feel a lot less upset about some of the treatment I got in the hospital, such as when I was left for hours in supine position with half collapsed lungs, asthma, extreme pain, and needing to void. I am apalled at that! Also, I'm less bothered by how half of the nurses would not give me a boost in my bed--so that I could elongate my chest cavity and not have the bend in my back be matched with the bend in the bed, rather have my hips in the bend. There was constant not listening to me about that and other stuff...and about how I wanted the door shut to lessen the noise...etc. I found out that it was extra noisy by my room becaus the kitchen was right across the hallway from my room! You would think they'd give a darn about that. The other half of the nurses lilstened to me, and actually came to visit with me a bit, and were so kind it made up for what the others were doing so wrong. I don't feel as strongly that I would never have done this surgery if I knew of how it would make me think i was going to die. I think if I had been properly informed of how bad the pain really is, then I would have possibly gone forward. I am still at the point where I don't give a rat's arse whether or not I lose weight now or ever, at this point. All I care about is trying to feel normal, again...out of all this pain, caring for my stomache, and trying to get outside to take my peaceful walks....given that I can barely walk around in the house, God only knows when that will be. Other than that. I just don't care. Maybe my give-a-damn will fix it self over time. I really need to get to the store for some things that I did not know I can have but which help...so I need to get better than this, soon. The surgeon's office took me off the liquid Diocto....I don't even know why they gave me that...and the discharge form has "continue taking" for that...but I was never taking it...and it's horrible. And I don't have to take the aweful Zantac liquid either....I can take the inside of a Pepcid capsule. Just those two things have made it possible to fit food. Add to it that I can have greek yogurt, and now I am able to get some protein in, but it takes me 2 hours to eat a 5.3 ounce container. I sure want to go to the fair, this month. Is that even going to be possible? What I'd really love to be able to do is mash up a meatball from there and eat that for dinner. That would be so cool, but if it doesn't happen, I honestly don't care. I think about food, but my drive to eat it is just about nothing. I could sit here and not eat....I'm thirsty and would drink a little...but I have to force myself to eat shakes or yogurt. I guess that's ok. The motivating factor for eating is that I need protein to heal and keep my hair (what there is of it, since it falls out already from all the other times I gained and lost weight) in my head....oh yeah, and the sheer horror of the thoughts of ending up back in that hospital with those nurses, again!...and in more pain! Let's all pray for each other and no complications. I do lean on our group here, and shall pray for everyone, as well. God's will be done....which brings me to another point. Before the surgery, and for a very long time, I looked into the procedure, planned for it, got very involved with the programs, researched everything, and prayed daily about it when I took my walks, and had the notion to do so, and never once did I feel apprehensive about it...only once I had the procedure done and over with did I question my decision at all. I prayed for an answer...and the sleeve was the answer...without reservation...thee answer. Then I remembered this guy who said he felt God wanted him to be a trucker and get out on the road. Then he went and got a truck and went on the road and began hating it....he told his family about it and they said that if God intended for him to do that, then he must stick with it to learn what God has for him to learn and do...perhaps that's what I am experiencing. Anything good, comes with a price, and I am paying the price...in the end there will be great healing, which is what I pray for.

Maybe your body is making up for so many years of good periods.

I wrote out an answer to this and it disappeared!Yes, there were 3 pain meds in hospital that together took the edge off....they stop the auto drip, then stop the torodol. I had to beg them to get me the oxycodone because it absolutely could not be filled anywhere else. The only other thing that was helping, surprisingly, was tylenol....for the headaches and aches in the the body. I had to make them stay on top of giving me my pain meds. They want you to have a ton of pain--which I did, before they give you anything. They left me in supine position, with half way collapsed lungs, for 2 hours! No one would help me. I began to yell and demand they do something about it...I had to pee really badly as well. The care I got was less than what it should have been. During that time, there was no pain meds. I just now got my Tylenol delivered. Pharmacy nearby got bought out by CVS, and now the service sucks. So I had to call someone in the next town like 10 miles over to get my Tylenol, rest of my nausea meds and patches. Big thing for me to do now is try and increase protein, as I am not getting nearly enough. I also have tons of liquid meds here that take up my space in my stomache...just learned I can take teeny pills for the one, and don't have to take the other at all.But you need to get all your post op meds filled asap...don't wait!

I also seem to have a rash forming on my buttocks near the separation. I showed the nurse--who was kind of nitwitty--and she said there isn't one...but i know something is there. So I've been using a cream that is mild and that works on rashes, and airing that part of my skin out. It could be a little reaction from the binder.

They only give you so many pain meds, and then ween you off because even though they are via i.v. they can upset your stomach...but my stomache was fine. The pharmacy won't deliver, and I have no help to get me meds. My daughter knew of another pharmacy that will deliver, so the surgeon's office called them in, but they never brought them..though they told me they were. Now I have to wait til tomorrow for antinausea meds...and I can barely hold anything down without feeling sick. The complications were that my blood pressure was dropping, heart rate going up. Unbearable pain!!! And, yes, this amount of pain is normal. I had to be in the hospital for 4 days...and could have stayed another day-today, even. They wanted to boot me on day 2!!!! Effing crazy! The nurses also did not want to boost me in the bed...nor when they left me lay in the hall in a bad position on a gernie while waiting for another scan to look for leaks. I have bad asthma and my lungs were still part collapsed from the vent--which happens to everyone...but which affects an asthmatic more. After the scan, they techs left me lay for 2 hours in the hallway in supine position. All my effort of breathing went out the window and I lost a day of recovery. No one seemed to care about that, except my surgeon who said she would try and make sure I had a normal day and that my pain meds were not missed. Almost seemed like half the nurses were bothered that I wanted the door closed as I tried to ambulate to the rest room. One made a comment that I would chew her head off if she didn't close the door. When I first got to my room, there was a woman there getting discharged, who had visitors, who would not shut the hell up. I was in so much pain, and the staff would not make her have respect. I finally said that I asked for a private room because of my PTSD, which they knew about, and that if I was a soldier, that PTSD would be cared for, too. Finally, only then, did they clear out the other bed, and not fill it unless a trauma victim needed it. The nurses the first few days were mean! I felt no caring or kindness toward me until the very end of day 2...like 3rd shift...Marie was her name. The surgeon did tell me that the surgery went very well and that I am her star patient...said I was "in shape" and they knew it by how my body tolerated everything in surgery. I never thought I'd hear that about fat-ole-me..but it's true...trying to eat healthy, and exercising a few times a day--which amounts to walking, made a huge difference. They gave me a nurse who will come to my house a couple times a week just to look at my incisions and take my vitals. I asked the woman to help me with the shower, and she said no. What's the point!? She also was repeating herself, did not listen to my directions, and annoyed me in general...knocking over my little cup of protein shake as she leaned on my pillows to get something...ridiculous. She did not offer to get my meds from somewhere for me, either. That is what i need help with. I recommend to everyone here, that you severely exhaust ALL alternatives to losing weight before taking on this massive tearing up of your guts! Heed my words, because though some people are darn lucky to not feel much...you may be one of the one's who suffer endlessly, like me. See if you can find another way. My son has been home for 2 hours and is trashing the kitchen, already...already I have to yell at him...which is making me feel sad and cry.

no one told me how bad the pain really is...like having your guts blown out and you can't die, although i thought i was going to die...so not worth it!

Thought I'd be nervous...but I really feel that I got that all out of me...I'm ready to go!!!! Psyched out!!! No worries! I even found Special K protein powder for water, and Designer Whey protein powder for water--Designer has 10 g, and K has 5...at Rite Aid...they have the Isopure too, that I have been looking for. I found it all while I was waiting to find out of that particular pharmacy has the Hydrocodone liquid. No place has the pain killer. It's on back order, and there is talk of not making it anymore, so I'm not sure why on Earth the doctors are prescribing it! Be aware that if you get prescribed a pain med, that it is hard to find. Get it early, and start filling it early. I got extra walks in this week, and a double one just a couple hours ago...so that I am ahead for the recovery days. Sweet! Went to a support group meeting today...the one chick there talked and talked and talked...but I did learn some things from her...though I really wanted to talk about some of my last concerns. Toward the end I was able to get in that I was getting my surgery in the morning, and then I got to chat with some people who had some very good tips...such as the one woman who had her surgery in May, right before I was supposed to have mine, showed me her incisions and told me that, Yes...I will still be able to yell at my children when I get home. That's all I needed to hear! I was worried I'd be layed up like a sick dog..but not so. The other woman had her sleeve 17 days ago, and has lost 15 lbs...which she was not happy about...but which is encouraging, and right on target. I have all my medicine cups, some antacids, gas med, prescriptions, a can of meat and beans, a can of applesauce, a can of tomato soup, and a can of cream of chicken soup along with the protein powder packets I just got, and the Carnation sugar-free packets all lined up on the counter. We moved the couch, vaccuumed and moved the recliner so that I can have my pick when I get back. I put my sewing projects for Eckley on hold (that's a coal mining patch town that still stands, where we volunteer to raise money--you all should visit, sometime). I just don't have time to do those things. I figure when my belly gets better at the end of September, I can sew then, I hope. I can't wait to get back to my walks! The treadmill is up here now, and I cleaned it off, so I can walk inside if I want to, now, and for the winter!...NO slacking for me...never again. I refuse to be a hermit this year! My daughter and I are also going to do our aerobics together. We did some Zumba at a support group meeting two weeks ago..and boy-o-boy, was that something! We were all cracking each other up with the moves, and it was just a lot of fun...so now, we are going to work out together more. I can't wait....my girl is the best...so is my boy! My two special buddies are right here alongside me...like no one else. I should mention my one friend, Annette...she's being very nice to me, and helping me get there and back...but that's all she can do..and it's A LOT!!!...but still...I need help at home...and will have to rely on the children. I wish I had more family, and more people who really care about me. I am so thankful for what I have though, and wouldn't trade my 3 buddies for anything! Travis Tritt is on tv right now..and man is he spectacular...love him...I'm really enjoying his concert! Sure beats eating my self to death, right now! Tomorrow is such a special day, and I'm so glad I get to share it with you all!

Thank you for the encouragement! I had struggles to get to this point too...but it does get here.

I had a fellow parent at our Boy Scout troop who is a nurse, and whom I have known for 9 years, tell me that it's the easy way out and then tell me that people don't know what they are getting into and that it's incredibly difficult....I think she was just prejudice against me in some way. People are strange, and don't always know what they are talking about.

Well, I figured out how to post a new entry!!! I was going to give up, but gave it another try and found the button. Yippee. Yesterday, I found myself feeling guilty a bit because I am unable to lose the weight and keep it off, in my current state. I felt a bit sad that I have to have surgery, but I know it's the right thing. At the beginning of this round of 2 week liquid diets, I was so upset because I was not able to eat beforehand, and was broke, etc...and the roller coaster of emotions was rampant. Now, I am feeling much better, but I want to eat all the time...and right now, it's pizza--brought on by the left over I took out of the freezer to give to my boy-who had a hard day at school. I have also been wanting an egg McMuffin...and just saw the commercial...ugh...I am hungry, and now I'm really toeing the line. I have been scared about surgery, and have worked to settle my fears by reminding myself that my children have had innumerable surgeries, and I assured them they'd be ok...and they were. I trust the surgeons and staff with their lives, and of course, must trust them with my own life! I hear and see myself telling my son that he is ok, that he is not going to die...and somehow my own mind and heart hears it...like a mom taking care of me...me taking care of me!!! Imagine that! Anyway, my surgery is in 2 days!! 2 Days!!!! Can you believe that??!!! Finally!! I have been sad that I could not eat at the diner that my sister owned before she took off to wherever and never came back--it openned and I didn't get to go there. I also want to eat at the sub place that has the best chicken parm hoagies ever!...and at the Subway--love the tomato sauce...and at Friendly's...and at Rodano's in Wilkes-barre--best spaghetti and meatballs. I realize though, that I made a choice to move forward with this surgery and to once and for all get a grip on permanent change in my life...and that others on here have said that they can eat what they want, but not as much, about a half a cup, eventually...I think I can live with that. I also want to go to the movies one last time and get some pretzel nuggets with spicy cheese, and some popcorn...and to go to the drive-ins for hot dogs and fries!!! Ugh. Since having some money to spend, and starting my 2 weeks, I did, indeed, have some of these foods so that I could ease my mind and be more prepared for the procedure...and success, but I still want more of it! I am never satisfied...only pacified at this point. Recognizing those two facts helps me to see that what I am doing...eating that pack of pretzels, and then wishing for and wanting another--though I can't fit more in my stomach...is not good...I need help...and that's what I have elected to get. I know that if I was to not get the surgery, I would be very upset. I have weighed things carefully, and thought about what would happen, how I would feel if I did not go through with the procedure--which I already have a taste of from when I was denied by the insurance, and from when I had to drop out twice before because my son got sick again. I have so much peace about the sleeve that anything else is chaos. I have a real chance before me for real, permanent change, and I can hardly wait. At the same time I am worried about problems during the sedation...such as that I might have a cardiac arrest or something and have to be shocked back....which happened to my brother, but supposedly for a different reason. (I don't get to see my family, nor hear from them very much, because I was an orphan...and we children were separated early on--a truly great tragedy and lifetime of suffering--which also has had a hand in food addiction and food abuse by me...among other things). But, then I remember that my twins were born very early, and very sick, and have had many surgeries and are ok...and that I have exercised and prepared for this, doing my breathing exercises, seeing an allergist and getting my asthma meds changed--so that the year long cough could go away. I am prepared, and my prayers have been answered! I prayed for years for an answer, and this is it.....maybe now, God will reverse the food issues that were caused by the evil in my father's heart. Maybe now...physically, the pathways will be changed....combined with my own efforts, and several years of trauma counseling that helped me deal with all the other crap. It's time for a body change! I can't wait to put my smaller clothes on. I have bags and tubs of smaller clothing, as well as an industrial rack to hold current and not-so-long-ago clothing. There is a pink chiffon and silver sequen skirt that I cannot wait to donn and go to the market--or anywhere for that matter!! Jeans?!! Oh yeah!...looking forward to it, and to being comfortable in my own skin and clothes. Can't wait to put on some hot little classy number and some high heels (which I will promptly remove) and strut around in front of the ex when I drop the children for a visit...he'll be eating his words...loser. I am improving my health for me, and have been divorced for over 7 years...but still...there is sweetness in even the slightest victory, and I'm going to enjoy that one! haha. My girl and I will be wearing close to the same size when I get this weight off, and I can wear my Army class A's..and my cammos again! That would be very cool...and is something I have wanted to do for years...since I was pregnant with the twins 14 years ago. It will be nice when I can see the bones in my feet and my ankles and legs are not swollen anymore, and when I can roll over in bed without a ton of aches and pains...and when I can increase my 1 mile walks to 2 or 3 miles at once...instead of doing 2-3 1 mile walks per day. There are just so many benefits! Ooo...and I can get out my multitude of swim suits and try them on...and go find a new one that makes me look smashing!...that is a cool word..."smashing!" Positively smashing! I would love to do the P90X program, too...not the jumping, but the rest of it...and to find my fitness like I had, and better, in the Army. I'm going to look for an ab workout to help me look not pregnant. No matter what size I am, people always ask me that. I'm used to it, and just say no, I'm not pregnant, just fat." Then they look at me, all shocked...and embarrassed and say either "Oh!" or run out of the store with their tails between their legs. I'll say to them, "That's ok, I get that all the time, but I did lose XX lbs. over the last 6 months." ...Doesn't matter, they are put in their place for asking such a personal question, in the first place. I don't really care about that much, though...I don't...I just want to feel good about my body, that I am caring for it as God intended, that I am working to live well for as long as I can for my family...however small it is with just the twins and me...for our futures, for my grandchildren...so they can say that I truly am and was a great and strong person, no matter what came my way...and have some more proof to go with it! Can't beat that!

You don't need him...your gut is telling you it's for the best...listen to your instinct...and go be that strong woman who cares for herself--without a man.

Maybe you could just turn the subject to something else, or mention that you prefer to talk with your ob/gyn doctor about that area, now that your surgery is complete...something like that. That should give him the hint.

lol...is he just thinking that you might like them as much as he apparently does, and that you might miss them as much as he would have if they got smaller? Maybe he was sure they'd be gone, and now he's surprised they aren't. Maybe you should check if he has a ring on and feel things out!...punn in tended, haha! Go for it! Is he cute?