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Sleeve Journey

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28 Days Post-Op, Interesting Support Group Meeting, Cravings

The last few days have been more energetic, and I have not taken naps, though I was tired and needed to sit and rest. I've been to the doctor, and he said the scab is normal...but I have to tell you... I don't think it was...I say was because it loosened again, and spun around, then clinged by a thread of connective tissue, and so I pulled on it to see if it hurt. It didn't so I finished taking it off....and then began the bleeding. I can only assume it was a capillary forming a connection....or losing it's connection. Since then, the wound has run clear fluid and gotten smaller, less red and raised on the edges and the middle has filled in a lot more. I think my body was trying to get that scab off! ...amazing what a body can do, how it thinks on it's own.   I went to my first post-surgery support group, and it was interesting, to say the least. There was a loud woman there, who sat next to...you guessed it!...me! She interrupted everyone who was talking, including me, and afterward another woman and I got to hear her entire life story, fraught with contradictions, and the spit that sprayed across the sidewalk, onto my arm, as she reached up and moved a hair out of my face with her grody hand, while revealing that her girlfriend who was her fiance, died of cancer! Whoa! She wants to carpool with me! I don't think so! She wiggled her parts all over and showed us very visually how the plastic surgeon who visited held her vagina in his hand, and how she has been single for 8 years...but how she is married to a man now and divorcing after one year, and how this surgeon was getting her off...good grief! Everything she said had shock value to it, and was incredibly unproductive, irritating, and funny. I found myself wondering if I behave that way-if I annoy the bologny out of other people, and I hope to God, not! You never know who is going to show up to that meeting.   Today, I am hungry, like all day, I've been hungry. I did lose another pound, today, but all I've wanted to do is eat...and yes, my belly has been physically hungry. Last night, my daughter made flaky buscuits. Once or twice a year I will let her bake them. Trouble is, that's all I've "wanted" to eat. Yesterday, what was left of a gallon bag of meatballs I made in preparation for the surgery was cooked slowly on the stove with sauce for the children....they ate all the others that were in the bag at other meals. I really wanted meatballs after the surgery, and couldn't get or really have any, anyway....so these, my delicious meatballs were smelling so good, and I'm allowed meat. So, I had one, and then the rest of the day, at the other four. I wanted more than what was left over, and wished I had more. Now, I'm wondering, why on Earth am I wanting those buscuits....and what's up with the meatballs?! I know I'm hungry, and haven't been able to eat more than about 500 calories, but today, I have been very hungry...and stuck to high quality protein, except for the bit of buscuit I allowed myself to have....but, I can't have those things in the house, anymore, and told my daughter that they won't be coming back because they are not healthy for any of us.   What I don't want is to feel a drive to eat whatever it might be, ever again....whether my hunger is real or not. I need to figure out how to sort this out. On October 15, I have a meeting with the psychologist, and I'm going to talk with her about it.   I walked at least a half mile today, and did two loads of laundry, as well as looked after my two little buddies who are both ill...daughter with headache, and son with stomach bug. He slept for twenty-four hours straight...hopefully, he can go to school in the morning. He is very upset about missing school...which is a welcome change from previous years. I prayed for them to be well, as they have prayed for mommy.   I am now down 35lbs...and as I write this, I am wondering if PMS has anything to do with my increased hunger. I do get hungrier at that time, and have more pain in my back, as well. I wonder what other ladies go through regarding cravings and hunger post-sleeve, during PMS time...and how they handle it. I have had to take those buscuits and dump water on them, then put them in the trash.   I had pain that made me think I was dying after my procedure...and one thing I never want to happen is that I'd forget that suffering and trade it in for a buscuit! And I reject my own rationalizations that lead to making it ok to have one...because that one does not satisfy...another one is always wanted. I want to be successful, and this is thee last resort, it's now or never!   My skin has bee so dry that nothing helped. My skin would slough off after the shower when drying with the towel. I went on a search for lotions and remedies, and found a new lotion by Dial called NurtriSkin. I bought the extra dry with shea butter version and I like it. The lotion seeps into the skin and moisturizes for a long time. I also liked the Mango Aloe Vera lotion that Sally Beauty sells, but the Dial one works well enough. The scales on my elbows that were literally sticking off my skin have smoothed and healed, and the backs of my hands are improving, as well. The rosacea is also calming down, as my face has been incredibly red for weeks after surgery.
Angelmom

Angelmom

7
 

3 Weeks And 3 Days Post-Op, Fibromyalgia? Shingles?

I'm posting this again, because the original posting seems to have not registered.   Today, I had the pleasure of seeing one of the only doctors/persons who showed me any kindness during my post-op care. The doctor said my incision that is slower to heal is healing, and not infected...however gross it may get at times, to just keep after it with the bandage taped at one edge only.   The doctor also said that he has never seen anyone have my kind of pain that I had after my surgery. He said I was the perfect patient leading up to the procedure, and that I did everything right. He couldn't understand why my pain was so uncontrollable...and that giving me the pain meds just caused the nausea to get worse....and in turn, caused me not to be able to take anything in--I can tell you that I was just in so much pain and so exhausted that nausea was not the reason for the lack of ingestion, though. He said he felt so bad for me and really wanted to help--and he did...my spirit felt his spirit giving a care. I thanked him for that kindness. He said that when people have enormous pain, as I had, it is usually because there is some underlying problem with the nerves. He asked if I have fibromyalgia...I don't...but, I have been asked that so many times, maybe I do. I did have shingles about 5 years ago, and that was incredibly painful, though nothing at all like what I went through with this sleeve. He said it is possible that the shingles virus attached itself to the ganglion that are associated with the areas where I was cut. At first, I thought not, because the virus was in the right lumbar region of my back, and my incisions are higher up on the belly, but who knows, maybe that area is associated with my incisions. Either way, I do have more pain in general than what I think I should. I'm always dealing with something. Standard Process Calcium Lactate does help, though. The point is, though, that underlying pain conditions will severely exacerbate the pain of surgery....something to watch out for.   Wearing a bra has been a no-go since the surgery, but I did try to wear one. I have a habit of wearing my bras until they are completely worn out, and even when the underwires snap, I take the old wires out of the old bras and fix the less worn ones. I just happened to have one bra that had no underwires, laying around, and wouldn't you know it...that's the one that I was able to wear! I was so happy I never fixed it. I highly recommend a bra that fits loosely, comfortably, and that has no wires...even if you have to make a cut in the casing and take the wires out.   Today, I had energy. I went to my appointments, and then went to Target to look for candy corn Oreo's for my daughter. They were out of them within a couple days, but I walked around the store, getting my exercise. I bought a personal Pizza Hut pizza, which I have been craving. I ate the top off two of the slices, and gee...my belly did not like that at all. A few days ago, I tried a super low fat cheese stick...and my belly didn't like that either. I think I have to avoid cheese. I also went to the sneaker store, and to Burlington. I looked for pants that might fit me now...that would be loose enough and small enough...but didn't buy any. I will just take in my favorite exercise pants and call it a day...when I can stand the running of the sewing machine...and the motion of my arms around my belly.   Though I was kind of spent when I got home, I waited for the children to finish with school and we went and walked close to a mile. Upon arriving at home...pain set in, and I visited my chair and pile of squishy pillows for some rest. We had chicken fajitas for dinner with black beans. I had one tender and a little fat free cheese, with some black beans. I really love that, but missed my pile of spinach that I would put the chicken on.   I had bought some sticky buns at the fair over the weekend, and ate a little bit a few times...but I have to say that I don't really care to eat that! I would have eaten both of them the very next day or even that night when I got home. I have had just a little a couple times, to help myself not feel deprived, and to enjoy...but I feel that it is not good food for my health. Every time I ate it that's how I felt. I am going to chop the other one up and put in the freezer for if company comes or whatever....then there will be something yummy to follow up a dinner with.   Tuna is easy to eat, as is Healthy Ones smoked turkey. The doctor said the salt is of no concern at this point, as long as I get the protein and liquids in....well, I'm trying.   The doctor also said that because I lost 34 lbs, I am way ahead of the curve for a sleeve, and that I can expect to not lose much during the month of October. My next appointment is on Halloween...go figure! He assured me that I will indeed lose more weight, though it won't be as much because my body is making adjustments related to the loss of so much weight up front.   ...and I'm tired...going back to my chair...
Angelmom

Angelmom

3
 

Three Weeks And Two Days Post-Op

Well...I've lost 34lbs.   It takes 2 months for the stomach to heal. I go day by day, and hope that it will be worth it. I really wanted to change my health, and felt I needed something drastic to do it...I just wish that thing didn't have to be so drastic.   I can barely eat anything, but actually, eating and drinking are a little better than they were . I had been exercising a lot...and now I am managing to get around more. I really believe that pre-surgery exercise has made a great difference. I actually walked the whole fair the other day...and a little more. Today I walked around at Country Junction. I did better, today....much less pain, much less resting needed afterward, much less needing to hold my belly.   I just have a hard time enjoying any food, except this crystal lite fruit punch, that I'm drinking, right now. I'm hoping that will get better. I felt sad today when other people were eating pizza and enjoying things and I wasn't able to enjoy even the smallest amount of chicken....just ate because I need protein, and waited for the discomfort that seems to come so often.   My incisions have been very painful, but the smaller ones are healed for the most part on the outside. The one at the top of my sternum has healed well, but the one that is just to the right of my sternum has not been healing, has been separating, getting red and swelling along the edges, while underneath the scab has been forming this disgusting cheesy gross substance. The surgeon's nurse tells me it's normal and is a serum of protein...which was believable when it was runny and clear, but the last few days it has been cheesy. I went into the tent at the fair and asked for prayer and healing, and now it seems to be healing. Praise God! I was very worried about getting a major infection or some other problem there. I have been keeping a square of bandage on it, secured by one bandaid holding it on at the top....turns out I have redeveloped my sensitivity to tape, so just a little bandaid edging is all I can tolerate. The other edges I leave free so that air can get underneath the bandage. Washing in the shower with the presurgery soap helps as well. Tomorrow I am seeing a doctor and a nutritionist in the nutritionist's office. I plan to show the wound there, after I shower in the morning.     This is the choice I made, and you can't go back...and I'm not sure that I want to go back...because going back means I don't have success over the weight problems. We shall see what a year brings. It will pass before we know it...I am looking forward to what a month from now brings, and seeing how I feel in November, when my stomach should have healed on the inside.
Angelmom

Angelmom

3
 

Day 19 Post-Op, Gassy, Spent, Dreams Of Ex, Trouble W/ Protein

Today, I am spent. First thing, I woke up upset,(with heartburn) having dreamt of my ex-husband, whom was a rotten prick, but whom I loved with my whole heart. I dream of him too often, but I can't help it. I've been divorced over 7 years, but I took my vows seriously, and though we had an incredibly difficult life beyone what a jerk he was, I still have a part of me that grieves, and it comes out in my dreams in the form of having him in my life...but in a way that I wished he would have been. I don't know that these dreams ever go away. I do know I am still emotionally riding a roller coaster, and that most of it is from the drama of this surgery and the whole long, drawn-out process. I just hope that the Lord is preparing a wonderful husband for me for someday in the future...a man that I can love with my whole heart and get that in return. I would never want anything less.   Went for a walk this morning, then to Walmart and did actual shopping. I had to empty the cart myself, which meant bending and lifting...not what I planned to do. I couldn't push the cart up the hilled parking lot, so my daughter had to do it. She would have unloaded the cart, but I had promised her pumpkin poptarts-as a treat of the season, and she went to get them and was not at the check-out. So, that tired me out, further. Then, I rested at home, and had no desire left to cook anything like I was originally planning, so I helped make some dinner, and the twins did the rest, while I rested in my recliner with all my pillows as comfy, warm cushions. I had a little leftover broth from Friendly's for breakfast, a super low fat cheese stick that I melted to oblivion before swallowing, which made me feel uncomfortable. I had also tried to eat a Jello Active pudding for a change of pace but those just don't do it for me, anymore. I'm so sick of protein shakes, and my daughter got out the cappuccino powders, and low and behold, they are to be made warm/hot! I don't like coffee, ever since I was pregnant with the twins, but I said, "fire it up" and she did! I enjoyed it and we added a half tablespoon of non-alkalinized organic cocoa powder and it was wonderful. I warmed up in my chair, and felt good enough to take my son to scouts...but once there, I quickly fell back to pain and even holding my left side to cough wasn't enough.   We sat in the van and I listened to the sounds of summer and felt the breeze through the two open windows, while listening to songs that require singing by the listener,....in an effort to be positive and enjoy myself. I had also taken another cappuccino--vanilla flavored--but it was not as good as the earlier, amarretto one. So, I didn't drink but half of it. I was hungry, still. Then, we got home and my son, who is still coughing, took four times the dose of cough medicine that he was supposed to. While I was concerned and know the proper course of action, my nerve finally snapped and I yelled at him to drink the water and get ready for bed. I just couldn't take one more thing. I felt bad and apologized for yelling...then he asked me if he was going to die, and said he understood I was upset....well, that made me feel worse, and I assured him he is ok, and that this happened one other time and he just has to drink water and sleep it off.   So, my belly gets hungry and has since a few days after surgery, but I am sick to death of protein shakes. What I wouldn't give for some tuna, or chicken, or a hot dog. I don't even need the carbs...just some actual substance...but then again, I'm terrified of things of substance making me sick. I still have this wretched gas that appears every time I eat or drink. The gas makes me feel stuffed and hungry at the same time. I did mix up a different protein shake, but accidentally put milk in it instead of water and it's goopy...so I won't ingest that. I had a greek yoplait and it was tough to eat, one lick after another off the back of a plastic spoon...with all the gas I'm feeling. Additionally, I have some heartburn this evening, as well...probably from not eating enough protein, and one of my incisions is leaking a mustard colored clearl liquid--which I read could be liquid fat coming out...iew, and ok, then!   Then, I wonder if I'm ever going to lose the weight. I woke up this morning, having gained .8lbs. It's probably from the salt in the broth, but still. Then I saw pictures floating across the computer screen when it was in down mode, and some of them have me much thinner and bigger, and the same during other times in my life...and at all those times, and even when pretty small, compared to now, men still found me repulsive, and undesirable...like when we went to the monster truck show...I love those shows, but all the bimbos there had on skimpy tight shorts and bikini tops...it really was disgusting. Then, when going through the autograph line, the men were rude to me, and my little children...and sweet on the skimpy biotches. I felt horrible about that...and I'm feeling emotional about losing weight, and if it will be enough, and getting emotionally tangled up, I realize at this moment, about things that don't even matter...but about things that bothered me when I saw those pictures. Also, when my loser ex-husband came back from overseas, I had pulled my life together and had lost quite a lot of weight, and then he said, 'you lost a lot of weight, I don't think I want a divorce anymore." Well, I layed the law down for him and told him what I expect of a husband...which wasn't what he was willing to give...so he went forward with the divorce, which was fine by me, but very upsetting.   It's just been so hard, my whole life a mess, starting with my father holding me down, beating me and forcing me to eat deer meat and mashed potatoes, and then when I was so terrified and upsed, I'd throw it up just to be forced to swallow the throwup....all the way through to being with the wrong kind of men and being judged for my size. One thing is for sure, I would never want to date a man who wouldn't date a bigger woman...how would I know if a man is kind to bigger women or not, I don't know, but I do know I need to get this crap I'm struggling with out of me....and leave it there...and build my life for me....care for myself for my health and the well-being of my children. I just wish I didn't have so much crap in my life all these years....adding being an orphan to the pile, and being abused by so many people, and abandoned, and then raising two special needs children, along with the loss of a child and so many others. I don't wonder how I got this way. It's just sad, and I want to be out of physical pain so that I can really work to move forward. I did not expect this amount of pain...it makes me feel vulnerable, and shed tears now and then, and I'm not used to that. I find myself leaning on the Lord and praying a lot about whatever comes into my mind. Apparently, whatever that is needs attention beyond what I can give, so I give it to the Lord...and get a hug from my best friend, my child....and person for whom I have tremendous respect, love and admiration. I hope to be as great a woman as she has been becoming. I am truly blessed by my children.   Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it, a clean slate with which to move forward, and that's what I intend to do...starting with cooking an egg like the one that I enjoyed so much the other day...got to get that protein in.
Angelmom

Angelmom

2
 

Day 18 Post-Op, Down 31 Lbs, 51 Lbs Total, Walking, Satisfied.

I had an actual good day, today! I got a shower with relative ease!....Walked about .25 miles, maybe a little more. I took it easy, but nonetheless accomplished real walking. I felt my body get warmed up when I finished up. The walk took me about 25 minutes, but I did it...outside, in the sun, with my daughter-my angel, and best friend, at my side. I couldn't ask for a better friend, child, daughter. She is truly wonderful, and I admire her so much!   I also took the twins out to get some food to eat as a treat...my son got a crab sub with a ton of bvegetables on flatbread at Subway...it IS Subway's birthday, and it was only $5! That's what he said! My daughter got chili from Wendy's and both of them wanted french fries...hold the salt! I got chicken soup broth from Friendly's. It had some tiny chunks of chicken and very mushy, melty noodles that I smashed to smitherines in my mouth and swallowed, anyway. If I can have a tablet that is the size of an eraser, I think I can have a little teeny bit of substance.   I really wanted to go to a movie, and just sit there and soak it in...but movies are a rip off, and the lack of some goodie to enjoy while at the movie made me not go to a movie...plus, I was tired after the walk and didn't want to be away from my daughter. I stayed with her as she did her cyber school--which she loves, btw. Instead, when my boy got home, we left for food, and rented two Redbox movies...the Katy Perry movie--suprisingly interesting, and Hysteria--also very interesting, especially since I had wanted to be a doctor, and at an auction got this old doctor book that had one of the stages of life for women as "hysteria!" I thought that was interesting, and to see it played out in a movie was very enjoyable! I suggest both movies.   Once home, and watching Hysteria...I had made a real hot cocoa...it's on the stage 2 diet! 1 cup of organic skim milk...one scoop organic non-alkaline cocoa, and a packet of stevia...yum! I really and truly enjoyed my food, today. I had wanted to drink the cherry Nectar that someone sent to me...and I tried to drink it...but had a hard time because of throwing up last night...so I had some of it and let my son try it...and he drank it ALL! haha! Watching him drink it was funny...the straw was sucking air...yes, I know I'm not supposed to use straws, but they do not give me gas and I thought I could get more protein in.   I also lost two more pounds, today!...so I have 97lbs to go! After the violent vomitting of last night, I wasn't sure that I didn't have a leak possible, so I ate nothing until I could get the doctor's office to call me back, and I'm fine. Doctor's nurse said I may need to take Miralax for a while until fiber can be reintroduced. That stinks, but at least I have no leak!   It's been a good and blessed day. I am determined to actually go to the fair and do more than sit at a few locations and suffer. Tomorrow I will walk again...and hopefully , I will wake up stronger than I woke up today...just like the day before yesterday when I walked at the fair. Walking is healilng.   This is the first day I have felt satisfied with my meals, and happy, with a touch of normal....mostly for just the afternoon into this evening. I even think I'm going to sleep well. I am hungry, too, but I'll have a drink and that will take care of that, until morning. I also purchased some cold pack devices and have started putting them on my belly to try and reduce swelling, especially after walking. I hope it works, and I hope to lose all my extra weight. Hope is high, right now! It's a good day!   My skin will not moisturize up. I put olive oil all over my skin today...and my daughter helped me with one of my feet and lower leg...but I am dry, dry, dry. I wish I had a way to fix that. Even the rosacea on my face will not relent.
Angelmom

Angelmom

2
 

Day 17 Post-Op! 99 Lbs. To Go!

I just realized that I have lost 49lbs altogether, and that I have 99 to go to reach my goal! That's less than 100lbs! Yay for me! Good thing I can't go eat to celebrate that...because I want to party and celebrate. I'll just have to enjoy that I'm getting better and that the sun is shining, and soon I'll be back outside walkin in it!...maybe even jogging a little!   I picked 160 as a midpoint of where I'd really like to be and where I was once before. At 189, the last time I had lost 63lbs....I was happy...then I gained it and more back. I was 165 or so when I got home from the Army, years ago, and that was ok...but when I was my thinnest, and felt the healthiest...I was 145-150. I had starved myself down to 138 one time, when I was going in the Marines...but honestly, I was sick as a dog and if I ate anything, I could not maintain that weight. I remember thinking I wanted to eat a houseplant that was in one of the offices I was in at that time, because I could not maintain that horribly small weight and eat. So, anyway, about 160 would be sweet.
Angelmom

Angelmom

3
 

Day 17 Post-Op

We went to the fair, yesterday afternoon. I had taken some B12 under the tongue, and I think it helped me have energy to drive and be alert. Eating eggs has helped me feel more awake. My son carried my chair for me and gave me his sweatshirt to use as a pillow behind my back. I paid him $3.00 to do it...finally he's done something to help me, instead of the reverse. I just sat there except for a little walking to the entertainment stand, and a bit more walking to get some soup...as well as out to the parking lot.   I was not able to eat the soup once I got back to my chair with it because it was all grease. My son wouldn't even eat it. I was in a lot of pain from walking, again....but I guess getting out was good. There were no meatballs there to buy and bring home for later, either!--something about the fair raising it's prices and Sunset not being willing to raise their--so they just got rid of the best meatballs ever, instead! WHAT!!! I was upset about that...and my daughter did not pack me a protein shake, so I had only the two greek yogurts, and I was sick to my stomach when we got home from not having anything to eat. Next time, I'll make sure I have what I need packed...even if my daughter carries ir ot packs it...I'll check it better, because I had to take that liquid Rinitidine--yuck!...and an actual antacid...and rock myself to comfort while watching SNL--Mumford and Sons (my favorite band) was on! The ride home was a little rough, but the belly binder helped--I think...hard to tell since that's the first time I went anywhere, really, since the surgery.   I'm having a hard time going potty...went to the pharmacy to get my stack of meds., Miralax and mineral oil, along with some nice warm Unjury chicken broth. I need to figure out how to get fiber in without hurting my sleeve. Yogurt certainly has none!   Yesterday, I dropped my second to last shot on the floor. As I had inserted the needle, it hurt, then I flinched with my fingers and dropped the needle without having injected the Lovenox....so, I got new shots and took care of that problem, first thing this morning.   I miss summer....these last 17 days have been very cooped up and full of suffering....I can't wait until I can get back to my walks...how I love those walks.   The Carnation sugar-free chocolate packs used to give me gas pains in my stomach when I first tried them this past winter. Then I had no problems with them. Now, I think they cause many more gas pains and I cannot use the Carnation packets, anymore. I have an entire plastic chip jug full of them, too. I hope to be able to drink them, or the twins can have them....we'll have to see. I was able to stand them better than the other protein sources...not that there were many...just the GNC Total Lean Vanilla and Strawberry...very expensive.   I keep putting lotion on my skin, and it keeps being dry and scaly. I think I'm going to give olive oil a try, followed by Vaseline.   As of today, I am down 49lbs...29 since surgery...and i can see my knuckles. My exercise tops fall off...which is annoying, but good. I'm sure glad I did not buy anymore clothes these last few months...except for exercise tops at Walmart for $6. I'll have to get sewing to take them in a bit, because I have no intention of buying more clothes for a long time. Also, I have not been able to wear a bra because it pushes on my incision sites, or down on the muscles and sore parts, and squishes things in an uncomfortable way. Yesterday, I got out a soft sport bra to try and wear at the fair...got to put the girls in something!...but even that wasn't good enough. I cut the areas that were a bit binding to loosen them up. As soon as I got to my van to leave, I took that thing off, right there in the middle of the helicopter ride area! I don't care who saw me...lol! But, now, today, I put a bra on to go to the pharmacy, and it didn't cause me any discomfort! I'm getting slowly better and so happy about that! I just hope I'm better enough to go to open house at my son's school.   Onward and upward!
Angelmom

Angelmom

0
 

Post-Op Days 14 And 15 Eggs, No Energy, Walk

I got permission to have eggs, cottage or ricotta cheese. I only like eggs...and haven't tried them since I was told I could have them...but right now, I'm having one...in the hopes that my energy will increase. I'm amazed that I think I can eat the whole thing, when others said they ate two bites and were stuffed. I just hope I'm doing it right...chewing enough. I have had no uncomfortableness so far, unlike with liquids, and I am chewing the egg down to bits. It sure tastes good....and the ads on the tv for food, all the time do not help with head hunger, except to show me how brainwashed we are into eating all the time....which is help in a different way...to be able to see the brainwashing.   I managed to go outside and walk .1 miles...but when I got back, I was pooped. I have tried to nap a couple times today, but it's not happening.   Then, you get the gas that's rolling around in me still...very painfully so...and I'm in tears between the gas and no energy.   I also managed to drive to the stores, yesterday, and got a shower. I can use another shower...but showers are exhausting, as well. The landlord is coming tomorrow, and I'll have to get cleaned up for him...or...maybe I won't, and I'll just sit in my chair.   My friend who insisted I be part of the Halloween skits finally has it through her head that I'm not going to be involved except to make a few little things if I can swing the energy. So that's a good thing, but she keeps calling about the sewing. I'll have to find a way to accomplish that for her, next week.   My son is behaving better, and is still sick. Making him wear a mask and wash often as well as use sanitizer, often has prevented me from getting sick...however, I am still coughing up chunks of junk from the ventilator. I think it's all almost out of my lungs.   Looking forward to more energy! I really want to go to the fair! I don't have to eat there, but can bring food home for when I can eat something besides eggs.
Angelmom

Angelmom

6
 

Day 13 Post-Op, More Active, Vulnerable, Scared

Managed to get a shower, and walk the stairs with relative ease on the way up. Later in the day, I drove my daughter to dance class at the YMCA, and I sat in the park on my chair, reading the paper and trying to enjoy being outside for the first time since I went in the hospital. My son played with a friend at the park, too. Time passed slowly...but it was chilly, uncomfortable, and way past an hour when my son came over to me and I asked him to try and find his sister. I sat there feeling very vulnerable. There were way too many mutts there, and I'm deathly allergic to animals, and have some hefty asthma...so I didn't appreciate the way people were treating the public park like a private dog park. Some of the dogs were pretty large, strong and unruly, and near me...though I picked a semi-private spot to sit and try to relax. Then the hoodlums showed up, as did smokers and other characters. I was looking through one of the newspapers that have piled up and I saw an article about the person who got hired for a position I thought I would have a good chance at...and the article said that the guy they hired was groomed for the position, ect. I was told that when I was subbing in that district...and the article denied it...but there was one vote down by one of the board members for that cited reason...you know it's true...and I'm jobless and worried about that too!...then this political who-you-know crap takes over....so anyway....My daughter was not coming back, though her lesson is only 30 minutes long. I was in pain...belly hurting and feeling squished on itslef from sitting up and from my arms being close to the sides of my belly. I started to worry that my daughter might be in trouble....and that I am in such a vulnerable position that I wouldn't even be able to look for her. She wasn't coming back out...and I just sat there getting upset--because a red car tried to kidnap some children in a town not too far from here, and ready to cry...worrying about being forced to move out of our place, or being attacked-in my post surgical state...or having my child go missing...or get a chest cold from my irresponsible son--which would land me back in the hospital...and whatever else came into my head...because of how weak and dependent I am right now...plus I was cold and hungry. I am all we have...and I feel like it's taking forever to get better.   ....I had felt ok this morning enough to even put some of my smaller clothes on to see how they fit...just a couple blouses that I got too fat to wear...I was a bit worn down from the shower and being up moving around, so I took a rest--that my son woke me up from. My girl wanted to go to dance...so I felt things out and thought I could sit there for half an hour and make the drive over to the Y...but it just made me hurt. I have had to take my pain meds, tonight. I feel guilty that my daughter is looking after me....she shouldn't have to.   I feel teary-eyed, today, after being stuck in the park. My daughter said she was sorry for not coming out right after the lesson. She was learning some new steps after class. Once we got home and I sat in my recliner...she made me tomato soup, and she prayed for me, and told me I was safe and not to worry and that she likes doing these little things for me....and then she gave me her stuffed horse that I gave to her when she went in the hospital the last time.   I sure hope this was worth it...that I lose the weight and am much better off than I am now, or have been in a long time.   I think what I have to do is lean on Jesus. I didn't go into this lightly, or without the guidance of the Lord...and as I feel so vulnerable...now is the time to lean on Christ...so that's what I'm trying to do.
Angelmom

Angelmom

0
 

Days 11 And 12 --Post-Op Appointment

Yesterday I drove to Geisinger, Danville for my post-op appointment...I thought 11 days was too soon for that, but could not get the appointment changed...so I drove there and took my daughter with me to help.   The appointments went well. My surgeon is the best!..best at her job, and best at treating patients like human beings...etc. She is up on all the latest research, as well. It was good to see her, and we gave her a small jar of our home-made jam...which she was so happy to get. I had put 2x2's on each of my 6 slices, for extra protection, and when the surgeon went to look at the incision sites, the tape had causes an inflamed, red, itchy reaction everywhere there was tape.   As it turns out, the backs of my calves had been painful, especially the left one, for a couple days after I got home from the hospital. I thought they were sore from my junky recliner foot rest, but turns out they might have been clots forming. I did walk, several times per day and had the pressure boots on in the hospital. There was swelling in the ankles and lower legs, and my daughter put the stockings on and we elevated the legs with pillows when I was sleeping or trying to rest a bit, and that took care of it...but the doctor sure was concerned. Thank goodness I was able to give myself the blood-thinner shots, because I think they helped. Apparently, the amount of pain I have felt is "normal," though I was illprepared for it! I am right on track for healing, and should get my energy back in 6 weeks. Still not allowed to lift or bend or squalt for anything...which I am fine with. My bowels had not moved, so I now have Miralax to take...fun, fun, fun! I also mentioned to the surgeon that the nursing care I received caused me setbacks, and I wondered if anything was going to change, and she told me that the doctors have been trying to change the nursing care--lack of--but that the hospital considers doctors to be "employees" and the hospital will not listen to doctors. Go figure!   The nutritionist said I can have eggs, cottage cheese, and ricotta cheese...and all I like of those is eggs, but Honestly, I am satisfied with my few protein shakes and crystal lite. The problem wiht that nutritionist is he wanted to touch my incisions, and he did NOT wash his hands! I had to tell him "don't touch me, you didn't wash your hands." He then told me that he washed before he came in the room. I said, "but you touched the doorknob, the computer keyboard, the mouse, and other things, and I don't do germs, and don't want an infection." Then he got up and sanitized--instead of washing...but he still didn't get to touch me much.   The nurse put the bp cuff on me the wrong way, AGAIN, and did not clean the cuff. I asked her if it was cleaned when she was about to put it on me, and she said, "we don't clean those between patients." I said, please clean it, because I don't want other people's germs on me." She reluctantly cleaned it. Then she put the thing on my arm with a big gap at the elbow point, and tight at the top...I told her it was not on right, and that I'm sick and tired of getting black and blue marks on my arms. She kept adjusting it wrongly, and so I had to show her to criss cross the velcro a little so that the tops and bottoms had even space betwee the cuff and arm. After that, she put her thumb on the stethoscope...also wrong procedure--since the thumb has a pulse that can be mistaken for a person's heart beat. The other nurse at the other apointment did the same thing....and I told them both that I've been through nursing school, and know how to take a bp, and this isn't it. I'm going to write the hospital administrators a letter to try and change some of these problems. I still have black and blue marks at the top of my arms from when i was in the hospital.   I had a couple other things to write, but can't remember what they were...the brain is still half in a fog.   I have lost 3 more pounds, and have not been this "light" since about 6 years agoo when I was putting myself through undergrad school...and on the rise as far as weight goes. It's sweet to be losing weight. I have visions of myself going upstairs to my massive amount of clothes in all sizes, and trying on some pretty things!....nice jeans, here we come!   I am worried that I will gain weight back at the 6 month mark...the doctor said that's a critical time for a lot of bariatric patients...I'm worried, but have no plans to gain weight... I want it off, and then to work at keeping it off. What a waste to have the surgery, go through living hell, and then gain the weight back! I guess it's something to beware of, and work on not having it happen.   Went for a drive to the store to stock up on food for the children...made me tired and drained...at least I am up and around, getting exercise. My belly does not like pants, or sitting in a car. I'm looking forward to being all better...and having lost the weight, and being able to eat normally.
Angelmom

Angelmom

0
 

Day 10 Post-Op, Tired

Slept well, first time since getting home. Got brave and made the twins egg sandwiches....but got tired out fast. Son not listening well...I ended up crying because there isn't one thing he does that doesn't have some grand problem attached to it. He's been sick with a cold since I was in the hospital. Now he has to wear a mask, not touch banisters, clean up more often-particularly in the common areas. What he does is touch everything, not clean his hands, and not listen when I ask for something...like when I called him downstairs to get him out of his room for a change...and I asked him to clean his hands and get the SpongeBob mugs for the hot chocolate....he took so long to do whatever it was he was doing--not what I asked him to do, clearly...that I had to do it myself. It's one thing after another...he's the only one upstairs, and has the whole bathroom to himself...I just wanted him to clean the doorknobs, sinke, toilet, and make sure the tub wasn't trashed so I don't come away from the shower sick or with some kind of infection...did he clean it up? Nope! I was crying because there I was sitting on the hard cedar chest, holding myself up with the metal walking stick that goes to the exercise trampoline--which I never use, anyway. I told him a piece of my mind...because we have been preparing for this for months, and he should know better than to trash the place! He's 14, and I took care of him all these years, through all his surgeries...and last year, he was out of school for 3 months, at which time, I nursed him and did homeschooling so he wouldn't get behind. You'd think that would motivate him to help me by cleaning up afte himself. It's so frustrating. Even with his special needs, there is no excuse for not doing basic things to help me. Needless to say, I was exhausted after waiting around a nd standing there, and yelling at him, and getting emotionally upset and everything...and I took an afternoon nap.   My friend came over to rehearse for the Halloween skits we do for Eckley Miner's Village...and she still has it in her head that I am going to be involved, though I told her over and over that I'm not. I don't even know if I can do the sewing of a few costume pieces...the belly does not like being rubbed...not even by soft nightgown cloth. I might just have to tell her "no" and give her the stuff back altogether. She may get her feelings hurt, but honestly, that's not my problem...I have to take care of me.   Tomorrow I have to drive myself to the hospital for the post-op check up and visit with the nutritionist. It's an hour and a half drive...and I don't want to go. In an effort to prepare for that, I have cut way back on pain meds.   I wish I had help, or family that gave a care about me...that would help me get a ride there and back. At least I have my 14 year old daughter who will go with me and help me get to the office. She can make up her cyberschool classes in the evening or next day. I'll have to try and help her.   I have also lost 2 more pounds, today...if 2lbs a day loss keeps happening...gee, I'll be in my smaller and prettier clothing in no time at all....at least I see that side of things now. The pain is a lot less but not gone. I still have to lift myself up into the back of the recliner after I manage to sit down, and now the one side/arm is loose. I hope it does not break before I'm better enough to climb the stairs every night for bed. The chair has been really comfortable to sleep in, actually, better than my bed. My back hurts now but nothing like it does when I get out of my bed....maybe I'll make the recliner my bed. I cannot get all that protein in. I try and get close, but it's just too much. I do think about eating real food...but then I don't really want any real food either. I've gone back to adding water to my sugar free carnation protein packets...helps it taste better and go down better. I can't wait to ge some bariatric soups or other foods that fit the diet...I'm so sick of these 2-3 things. On the other hand, I am very fortunate not to have some of the problems others seem to have. I hope my restricted stomach does it's job. Gas is an issue, though. Every time I put something in my stomach, I feel the gas pains...still wondering if the "food" is pushing the gas down, stimulating peristalsis, thereby pushing the gas toward the exit sign. I hope so, and that I'm not drinking too fast.   I can hardly believe it's been 10 days since the procedure...seemed like it would never get here and now it's passed. I itch like crazy, so I imagine that soon, this day will seem like years ago, in the not-too-distant future.
Angelmom

Angelmom

2
 

Day 8 Post-Op

I'm down 2.6 lbs again, this morning. I'm tired from trying to do some things yesterday and from the increase in pain from moving around. The belly binder works nicely to stop the jiggling, but it itches and kind of rubs the one incision line, and is making it bleed a little, so I took it off instead of loosening it, to allow the slice lines to get air. Pain is higher without the binder on, though. Monday is my post-op appointment, and I have no one to drive me, so I'm going to have to do it myself. They office wont' change the appointment, either....so, I'll take it easy this weekend, and just try to get that healing protein in...and dream a little of meatballs at the Bloomsburg fair. I have not been this "light" since the beginning semesters of my internships a few years ago. I cannot wait to get down a lot more. Seeing some pounds fall off me is ecouraging...helps me be strong and motivated, and feel a little more positivity, and helps me to look to the future more.   My son is still ill, and he is wearing a face mask. He must shower as soon as he gets in the door, and sanitize his hands every 15-60 minutes. I missed my little buddy, since he has to stay in his room to protect me...so I had him come down here with me and keep real clean and away from me so he can watch some tv.   My intercostal muscles still hurt. I had felt like I had the body aches from flu after the surgery, and that stiffness and soreness is still here. I'm still black and blue from being dug with needles in the hospital, but at least those sites don't hurt, anymore.   I want to stop taking pain meds....maybe Sunday will be a good day for that....since I have to be on the road at 7am on Monday to drive an hour and a half to the hospital.
Angelmom

Angelmom

0
 

Day 7 Post-Op, Less Pain, Drove To Store, Said "no" To Nurse.

I got in almost 300 calories today.   I wanted the procedure to put a screaching halt to the diabetes that were impending, to the arthritis, degeneration of my joints, fatty liver, metabolic syndrome,...etc. I'm not nearly in as much pain, and spent the morning into early afternoon on only Tylenol so that I could drive my daughter to the store and she could go in and get stuff the twins need. I did ok. I'm still tired, though managed to get a knap, and I took the binder off while I slept and let air get to my belly...seemed to help. I'm tired, tonight from the commotion of going to the store...there were some glitches.   I wish some of my favorite tv shows were on to kill some of the time. I'd also like to upload resumes and letters of reference into education websites to look for a job...but to heck with that! I can sit here, but if I start moving around, my belly gets giggled and could be bumped off the edge of the desk...and my arms push on the belly, which makes me have more pain. I'll just wait to look for a job. It's not like my info isn't out there. I'll stick to walking and resting.   I also lost 3 lbs. more today. My daughter says my backside looks a lot smaller. I can see my knuckles and veins again, and we put the anti-embolism stockings back on--the right way. I do wish I could eat regular food...even just a little...but there is no way in hell I'm going to risk another surgery...NO WAY! I'm still black and blue from the attempts at iv's, and my stretch marks are still red from being blown up so much during the procedure, and from the binder. I put thick medical pads between the slices and red parts of my skin and the binder, and that helped.   The nurse was no help on Monday after I got home, and now that I'm moving around and my little girl nursed me to this point...the nurse wants to come back. I don't think so! What I needed was help going to the bathroom, getting meds, getting up and down out of the chairs, getting a shower....I can take my own blood pressure, and don't see how nurses can make $163 an hour (or how services can charge that) just to take my bp and look at my booboos. The nurse wouldn't even get my meds for me. It's a bunch of crap. I told her not to bother coming back here tomorrow--at the crack of dawn, no less!...and told her that what I needed was not fought for...no waivers were requested from insurance...and she informed me that she told the insurance company that my drain incision was "not deep!" They would have covered more if she said it was! How could it not be deep when it went directly to my stomach! She's a flake, and was from before she walked in here. I don't want her back, anyway.   My brothers who have come around this summer...never bothered to see if I was ok, or needed help, even though one of them promised to help me...he was simply silent. Now he claims he couldn't call me these last 7 days because he was in the hospital over night for a faint. What happened to the other 6 days? Aren't there phones everywhere?...like his wife's phones checked on me is my pal, Diane, who voluteers with us at a local museum. She's bringing us soup on Sunday. My mother who lives a short way from me, but who never has an interest in us, was not at all interested in anything I wanted or needed....she is so selfish, and the three of them disgust me.   I am amazed how you find out who your friends are when you really need something. My daughter is going to get paid $20 for her hard work helping me at home between cyber school classes and days. My son has a chest cold, and has been very faithful in wearing his face mask and staying in his room...so since that is his part, I will pay him as well...less, though, because he hasn't done the care that my daughter has for me...then again...not being infected with a serious lung infection, cough, cold, flu...is probably worth $20 for helping mom in her tough time of need. He's a good boy.   I'm worried about the chores and things I have to do, and that I am not going to be able to do them for a while...oh well...of bigger concern is the air conditioners are still in the windows and I have to figure out what to do with them for the cold times until I can get them out of the windows...honestly, that is a HUGE feat for me to put them in, let alone take them out, because of my arthritis and things. I'm going ot have to research how to weatherize and leave them in the windows...and maybe find a strong man to take them upstairs ac's out of the windows for me. We'll see.   I'm thankful I have a house to be in, a chair to sit in, the comforts of a home...not a rich home, but a pleasant and secure one. I hope I always have a home for the rest of my life,a nd that we are ok....and that means that sometime soon, I have to find a job.   Hiccups, and gas are an issue, still, pulling pain in the stomach is a bit of an issue, and the headache seems to have dissipated. I keep the fans on, and my slippers on, and prop my arms on the recliner arms with extra pillows.   I am looking forward to my post-op visit, as well as writing some letters about some of the lack of care I have received.
Angelmom

Angelmom

0
 

Gas, Stretch Marks, Support Device

My belly was so distended with gas from the surgery, that my old stretchmarks are bigger and itching! I also have 6 incisions which are much bigger than I thought they'd be...and two of them are under the breast, with another one close to the breast. All of them are itching and driving me crazy.   The support device they give you that wraps around your belly, becomes like a sock that has been on too long...annoying, and leaves marks on your skin...which for me, itch! I have to use a rash cream for some of the redness that is raised and itchy, and have put large gauze pads in the sweaty areas, and over the wounds, but under the device, so as not to aggravate the incision lines. Seems to be helping.   And the gas....ugh...hurts as it rolls around trying to escape.   I had the device off today, and the insides of me were none too happy about it! I'm happy to have it, despite the itching and tugging, etc.   I am reminding myself that despite my feelings thus far, that there are supposed to be benefits to having the sleeve and restriction...so that should mean that my puffed up, uncomfortable, stretched to the brim belly will soon be much smaller! Looking forward to that, and wearing my pink skirt.
Angelmom

Angelmom

2
 

Day 6 Post-Op...coughed Incredibly, Showered

Finally showered. Was tough. Needed my girl to help me in and out and to dry off...so not fair to her. Shower took a lot out of me, made my belly hurt more, between the stairs--up and down--and having to wash myself, as well as take off the binder. That binder is a must.   I also spent last night and this morning coughing a lot of gunk up, sticky, clumpy brown and other colored mucus. Apparently, that's normal...especially for an asthmatic. My body tried to cough before, but the pain was so bad, I couldn't. Now that pain has gone down quite a bit, I could cough and try to repeat it over and over until the junk came up....which made my pain significantly increase, but made my lungs feel cleared out. I am getting close to my pre-surgery lung capacity.   Still can't get the protein in, but working at it. Very tired, though, and weak...couldn't really nap either. Wishing I could go outside and exercise...missing my walks...and even having a little food. Such is life, and I chose this...must move forward.   All I want to do is be better, feel normal.
Angelmom

Angelmom

0
 

Lungs Clearing, Expanding, Day 6 Post-Op

Since being in the hospital, my lungs have been at least partially collapsed. I worked to be strong beforehand, given my hefty asthma, and worked to lift my chest and deep breathe, try to tolerate some coughing to clear the lungs of gunk. Until last night, that was extremely painful, and exhausting. I managed to take a relatively deep breath and give two coughs on the exhale. I'd swallow, since it would not come up to be expelled, otherwise. Then I learned to just carefully take another breath instead of swallowing, and let the product of another breath and double cough push the first junk up higher. Through doing this repeatedly, through to this morning, and at some points, somewhat against my will--since my body was sometimes coughing on it's own...I'm managed to clear my asthmatic lungs and feel that there is very little left unexpanded. I still have more coughing to do, but my lungs have gotten stronger, finally. I've been taking my rescue inhaler about 3 times per day to help expand and keep open the bronchioles so that they are not stressed and weakened. I am now exhausted....the coughing takes great effort, and the pain sucks the life out of you.   My nose is still producing bloody gunk from the O.R....but I think it is close to all cleaned out now...not sure why there was all that blood in my nose.   I'm starting to feel a lot less upset about some of the treatment I got in the hospital, such as when I was left for hours in supine position with half collapsed lungs, asthma, extreme pain, and needing to void. I am apalled at that! Also, I'm less bothered by how half of the nurses would not give me a boost in my bed--so that I could elongate my chest cavity and not have the bend in my back be matched with the bend in the bed, rather have my hips in the bend. There was constant not listening to me about that and other stuff...and about how I wanted the door shut to lessen the noise...etc. I found out that it was extra noisy by my room becaus the kitchen was right across the hallway from my room! You would think they'd give a darn about that. The other half of the nurses lilstened to me, and actually came to visit with me a bit, and were so kind it made up for what the others were doing so wrong.   I don't feel as strongly that I would never have done this surgery if I knew of how it would make me think i was going to die. I think if I had been properly informed of how bad the pain really is, then I would have possibly gone forward. I am still at the point where I don't give a rat's arse whether or not I lose weight now or ever, at this point. All I care about is trying to feel normal, again...out of all this pain, caring for my stomache, and trying to get outside to take my peaceful walks....given that I can barely walk around in the house, God only knows when that will be. Other than that. I just don't care. Maybe my give-a-damn will fix it self over time. I really need to get to the store for some things that I did not know I can have but which help...so I need to get better than this, soon.   The surgeon's office took me off the liquid Diocto....I don't even know why they gave me that...and the discharge form has "continue taking" for that...but I was never taking it...and it's horrible. And I don't have to take the aweful Zantac liquid either....I can take the inside of a Pepcid capsule. Just those two things have made it possible to fit food. Add to it that I can have greek yogurt, and now I am able to get some protein in, but it takes me 2 hours to eat a 5.3 ounce container.   I sure want to go to the fair, this month. Is that even going to be possible? What I'd really love to be able to do is mash up a meatball from there and eat that for dinner. That would be so cool, but if it doesn't happen, I honestly don't care.   I think about food, but my drive to eat it is just about nothing. I could sit here and not eat....I'm thirsty and would drink a little...but I have to force myself to eat shakes or yogurt. I guess that's ok. The motivating factor for eating is that I need protein to heal and keep my hair (what there is of it, since it falls out already from all the other times I gained and lost weight) in my head....oh yeah, and the sheer horror of the thoughts of ending up back in that hospital with those nurses, again!...and in more pain!   Let's all pray for each other and no complications. I do lean on our group here, and shall pray for everyone, as well. God's will be done....which brings me to another point.   Before the surgery, and for a very long time, I looked into the procedure, planned for it, got very involved with the programs, researched everything, and prayed daily about it when I took my walks, and had the notion to do so, and never once did I feel apprehensive about it...only once I had the procedure done and over with did I question my decision at all. I prayed for an answer...and the sleeve was the answer...without reservation...thee answer. Then I remembered this guy who said he felt God wanted him to be a trucker and get out on the road. Then he went and got a truck and went on the road and began hating it....he told his family about it and they said that if God intended for him to do that, then he must stick with it to learn what God has for him to learn and do...perhaps that's what I am experiencing. Anything good, comes with a price, and I am paying the price...in the end there will be great healing, which is what I pray for.
Angelmom

Angelmom

2
 

Hell!

no one told me how bad the pain really is...like having your guts blown out and you can't die, although i thought i was going to die...so not worth it!
Angelmom

Angelmom

8
 

In 10 Hours, I'll Have My Sleeve!

Thought I'd be nervous...but I really feel that I got that all out of me...I'm ready to go!!!! Psyched out!!! No worries!   I even found Special K protein powder for water, and Designer Whey protein powder for water--Designer has 10 g, and K has 5...at Rite Aid...they have the Isopure too, that I have been looking for. I found it all while I was waiting to find out of that particular pharmacy has the Hydrocodone liquid. No place has the pain killer. It's on back order, and there is talk of not making it anymore, so I'm not sure why on Earth the doctors are prescribing it! Be aware that if you get prescribed a pain med, that it is hard to find. Get it early, and start filling it early.   I got extra walks in this week, and a double one just a couple hours ago...so that I am ahead for the recovery days. Sweet!   Went to a support group meeting today...the one chick there talked and talked and talked...but I did learn some things from her...though I really wanted to talk about some of my last concerns. Toward the end I was able to get in that I was getting my surgery in the morning, and then I got to chat with some people who had some very good tips...such as the one woman who had her surgery in May, right before I was supposed to have mine, showed me her incisions and told me that, Yes...I will still be able to yell at my children when I get home. That's all I needed to hear! I was worried I'd be layed up like a sick dog..but not so. The other woman had her sleeve 17 days ago, and has lost 15 lbs...which she was not happy about...but which is encouraging, and right on target.   I have all my medicine cups, some antacids, gas med, prescriptions, a can of meat and beans, a can of applesauce, a can of tomato soup, and a can of cream of chicken soup along with the protein powder packets I just got, and the Carnation sugar-free packets all lined up on the counter. We moved the couch, vaccuumed and moved the recliner so that I can have my pick when I get back. I put my sewing projects for Eckley on hold (that's a coal mining patch town that still stands, where we volunteer to raise money--you all should visit, sometime). I just don't have time to do those things. I figure when my belly gets better at the end of September, I can sew then, I hope.   I can't wait to get back to my walks! The treadmill is up here now, and I cleaned it off, so I can walk inside if I want to, now, and for the winter!...NO slacking for me...never again. I refuse to be a hermit this year! My daughter and I are also going to do our aerobics together. We did some Zumba at a support group meeting two weeks ago..and boy-o-boy, was that something! We were all cracking each other up with the moves, and it was just a lot of fun...so now, we are going to work out together more. I can't wait....my girl is the best...so is my boy! My two special buddies are right here alongside me...like no one else.   I should mention my one friend, Annette...she's being very nice to me, and helping me get there and back...but that's all she can do..and it's A LOT!!!...but still...I need help at home...and will have to rely on the children. I wish I had more family, and more people who really care about me. I am so thankful for what I have though, and wouldn't trade my 3 buddies for anything!   Travis Tritt is on tv right now..and man is he spectacular...love him...I'm really enjoying his concert! Sure beats eating my self to death, right now! Tomorrow is such a special day, and I'm so glad I get to share it with you all!
Angelmom

Angelmom

4
 

Two Days To Go

Well, I figured out how to post a new entry!!! I was going to give up, but gave it another try and found the button. Yippee.   Yesterday, I found myself feeling guilty a bit because I am unable to lose the weight and keep it off, in my current state. I felt a bit sad that I have to have surgery, but I know it's the right thing. At the beginning of this round of 2 week liquid diets, I was so upset because I was not able to eat beforehand, and was broke, etc...and the roller coaster of emotions was rampant. Now, I am feeling much better, but I want to eat all the time...and right now, it's pizza--brought on by the left over I took out of the freezer to give to my boy-who had a hard day at school. I have also been wanting an egg McMuffin...and just saw the commercial...ugh...I am hungry, and now I'm really toeing the line. I have been scared about surgery, and have worked to settle my fears by reminding myself that my children have had innumerable surgeries, and I assured them they'd be ok...and they were. I trust the surgeons and staff with their lives, and of course, must trust them with my own life! I hear and see myself telling my son that he is ok, that he is not going to die...and somehow my own mind and heart hears it...like a mom taking care of me...me taking care of me!!! Imagine that!   Anyway, my surgery is in 2 days!! 2 Days!!!! Can you believe that??!!! Finally!!   I have been sad that I could not eat at the diner that my sister owned before she took off to wherever and never came back--it openned and I didn't get to go there. I also want to eat at the sub place that has the best chicken parm hoagies ever!...and at the Subway--love the tomato sauce...and at Friendly's...and at Rodano's in Wilkes-barre--best spaghetti and meatballs. I realize though, that I made a choice to move forward with this surgery and to once and for all get a grip on permanent change in my life...and that others on here have said that they can eat what they want, but not as much, about a half a cup, eventually...I think I can live with that. I also want to go to the movies one last time and get some pretzel nuggets with spicy cheese, and some popcorn...and to go to the drive-ins for hot dogs and fries!!! Ugh. Since having some money to spend, and starting my 2 weeks, I did, indeed, have some of these foods so that I could ease my mind and be more prepared for the procedure...and success, but I still want more of it! I am never satisfied...only pacified at this point. Recognizing those two facts helps me to see that what I am doing...eating that pack of pretzels, and then wishing for and wanting another--though I can't fit more in my stomach...is not good...I need help...and that's what I have elected to get.   I know that if I was to not get the surgery, I would be very upset. I have weighed things carefully, and thought about what would happen, how I would feel if I did not go through with the procedure--which I already have a taste of from when I was denied by the insurance, and from when I had to drop out twice before because my son got sick again. I have so much peace about the sleeve that anything else is chaos. I have a real chance before me for real, permanent change, and I can hardly wait.   At the same time I am worried about problems during the sedation...such as that I might have a cardiac arrest or something and have to be shocked back....which happened to my brother, but supposedly for a different reason. (I don't get to see my family, nor hear from them very much, because I was an orphan...and we children were separated early on--a truly great tragedy and lifetime of suffering--which also has had a hand in food addiction and food abuse by me...among other things). But, then I remember that my twins were born very early, and very sick, and have had many surgeries and are ok...and that I have exercised and prepared for this, doing my breathing exercises, seeing an allergist and getting my asthma meds changed--so that the year long cough could go away. I am prepared, and my prayers have been answered! I prayed for years for an answer, and this is it.....maybe now, God will reverse the food issues that were caused by the evil in my father's heart. Maybe now...physically, the pathways will be changed....combined with my own efforts, and several years of trauma counseling that helped me deal with all the other crap. It's time for a body change!   I can't wait to put my smaller clothes on. I have bags and tubs of smaller clothing, as well as an industrial rack to hold current and not-so-long-ago clothing. There is a pink chiffon and silver sequen skirt that I cannot wait to donn and go to the market--or anywhere for that matter!! Jeans?!! Oh yeah!...looking forward to it, and to being comfortable in my own skin and clothes.   Can't wait to put on some hot little classy number and some high heels (which I will promptly remove) and strut around in front of the ex when I drop the children for a visit...he'll be eating his words...loser. I am improving my health for me, and have been divorced for over 7 years...but still...there is sweetness in even the slightest victory, and I'm going to enjoy that one! haha.   My girl and I will be wearing close to the same size when I get this weight off, and I can wear my Army class A's..and my cammos again! That would be very cool...and is something I have wanted to do for years...since I was pregnant with the twins 14 years ago.   It will be nice when I can see the bones in my feet and my ankles and legs are not swollen anymore, and when I can roll over in bed without a ton of aches and pains...and when I can increase my 1 mile walks to 2 or 3 miles at once...instead of doing 2-3 1 mile walks per day. There are just so many benefits!   Ooo...and I can get out my multitude of swim suits and try them on...and go find a new one that makes me look smashing!...that is a cool word..."smashing!" Positively smashing!   I would love to do the P90X program, too...not the jumping, but the rest of it...and to find my fitness like I had, and better, in the Army. I'm going to look for an ab workout to help me look not pregnant. No matter what size I am, people always ask me that. I'm used to it, and just say no, I'm not pregnant, just fat." Then they look at me, all shocked...and embarrassed and say either "Oh!" or run out of the store with their tails between their legs. I'll say to them, "That's ok, I get that all the time, but I did lose XX lbs. over the last 6 months." ...Doesn't matter, they are put in their place for asking such a personal question, in the first place. I don't really care about that much, though...I don't...I just want to feel good about my body, that I am caring for it as God intended, that I am working to live well for as long as I can for my family...however small it is with just the twins and me...for our futures, for my grandchildren...so they can say that I truly am and was a great and strong person, no matter what came my way...and have some more proof to go with it! Can't beat that!
Angelmom

Angelmom

2
 

So Fat!

I hope this thing works....the whole site takes so long to upload, it's ridiculous. I neve thought I'd see the day when I had a blog. The word "blog" is even weird. I decided to try and chronicle some of how I feel and what I experience as I move forward with the sleeve process.   Today, while at the JCPenney store, in the dressing room, I was trying on bras. While I waited for my daughter who was in the next stall to finish up, I sat down on the little square bench that was in there, and I glanced over and saw myself in the mirror. I could not believe what I saw! How the hell did I get to be so fat!? My belly was drooping down onto the chair in front of me, and my rear was sticking out, while my belly looks like a giant beach ball. Normally, I know that my chest is ample...but in the mirror, my chest looked small, as the rest of me is enormous! How disappointing!   I never really see myself as large...just bigger, and that I must wear bigger sizes...but that I'm ok...but really I'm not...and I have rarely seen my reality. I have not seen things for what they are...but I sure see it now. On occasion I see it, but not for long. Today I saw it so much, that my desires to eat plumetted and all day I have not really had the massive temptation to stray from my pre-op diet...which is a welcome change. I feel motivated. The smells of certain foods cooking has been driving me nuts...but I remove myself from it and work on it.   I am so embarrassed...much more than usual....that I walked around with about 30 more pounds on me than what I have now! I don't even want to be seen in public...or in my own house, for that matter.   I think the trick is to hold in our conscious mind, the truth...what was, what is, and what will be...and what will be if we don't change what is! I will never quit, and will always work to change for the better...and to see me for me...for what is.
Angelmom

Angelmom

2
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