I hope this thing works....the whole site takes so long to upload, it's ridiculous. I neve thought I'd see the day when I had a blog. The word "blog" is even weird. I decided to try and chronicle some of how I feel and what I experience as I move forward with the sleeve process.

Today, while at the JCPenney store, in the dressing room, I was trying on bras. While I waited for my daughter who was in the next stall to finish up, I sat down on the little square bench that was in there, and I glanced over and saw myself in the mirror. I could not believe what I saw! How the hell did I get to be so fat!? My belly was drooping down onto the chair in front of me, and my rear was sticking out, while my belly looks like a giant beach ball. Normally, I know that my chest is ample...but in the mirror, my chest looked small, as the rest of me is enormous! How disappointing!

I never really see myself as large...just bigger, and that I must wear bigger sizes...but that I'm ok...but really I'm not...and I have rarely seen my reality. I have not seen things for what they are...but I sure see it now. On occasion I see it, but not for long. Today I saw it so much, that my desires to eat plumetted and all day I have not really had the massive temptation to stray from my pre-op diet...which is a welcome change. I feel motivated. The smells of certain foods cooking has been driving me nuts...but I remove myself from it and work on it.

I am so embarrassed...much more than usual....that I walked around with about 30 more pounds on me than what I have now! I don't even want to be seen in public...or in my own house, for that matter.

I think the trick is to hold in our conscious mind, the truth...what was, what is, and what will be...and what will be if we don't change what is! I will never quit, and will always work to change for the better...and to see me for me...for what is.