DeLarla

Last month's Redbook has a comparision of the best deodorants, and Adidas won. I'll see if I still have the article and post it tonight. They also mentioned the one you use the night before as being effective. I don't know about all those other odors, though. My husband is really honest with me, and he never said I smell different, except my pooh (there, I said it.) That smells really foul no matter what I do, so I just keep the Apple Lysol handy since it's the only one that doesn't just mask the odors.

If the salt shaker is too far away, dump sugar packets, the ashtray, or anything you can get your hands on. Guess what? It's not the end of the world... it actually makes you stop eating. I suppose we could throw the food at the wall, but some might scoff at that.

I tossed a baggie of fresh veggies in my purse this morning figuring I'd have them for lunch. But I forgot I brought them and didn't have them at lunch (uh, there were nachos here, you decide.) Do you think I'd have forgotten a bag of Cookies in my purse? Uh, no! So I'm getting ready to leave for work and I found the veggies. God is with me today, cause I actually ate them. Good girl. Being bad is just so easy.

The worst part about all this that makes me sadder than anything, is that as bad as we had it, others had it worse. That's the part that hurts me.

This thread is actually fun and therapeutic. What did your momsters make you wear? I recall wearing the same clothes for an entire week. She would tease us and tell us we're going school shopping, but then we came home to each find a huge K-Mart bag stuffed with new clothes. Oh how we tore into those bags, desperate for new jeans. But nooooo... men's leisure suits were on sale, the orange/rust color ones, 3 piece (think of Barney Fife's roll doing Mr. Roper from 3's company.) Yep, they were on sale so she bought 3 shopping carts full of the same leisure suits, then divvied them up figuring between the 3 of us we could mix and match. Could you see a kid showing up in school in men's polyester pants and matching vest? And to think I only got beat up once (threatened daily, but only beat up once.) I had one normal sweatshirt once, but I got a stain on it. So she took out her oil paints and turned the stain into this huge hideous flower (always orange or rust color.) Then she took the only pair of jeans without a hole and turned the bottoms into bell bottoms by sewing in an orange triangle panel, in which she hand wrote my name in the bell. God help me. BUT STILL LAUGHING!

And now there are things I'm learning about the Momster that I never even knew! My sister and I took a trip (and I mean a TRIP) down memory lane last week when I was in California and drove past our childhood house, which has since turned complete ghetto. All the houses have bars spray painted bright green or orange with 12 or 13 cars on blocks. Much to our shock, one family still lived there! And since it was a holiday weekend, the entire family was there! There were 7 kids, who all have kids of their own now, so there must have been 30 people in that tiny house. They were telling us crazy stories about the Momster that we never even knew... apparently, she used to garden IN DRESSES WITH NO UNDERWEAR. Holy crap, the woman would bend over and show the whole neighborhood, and she's not the slutty type, just the obnoxious one that doesn't give a damn what people think. The neighbors told us kids would cover their eyes and run in the house screaming. Now if you can't laugh at that.... Alex, you remind me of the Momsters famous outfit. She doesn't dress for style or comfort, just for warmth, and she'd wear paisly print with checkers. I'm gonna see if I can find the one pic I have of her in the famous outfit, which consisted of polyester flood pants (came above her ankles way before capris were in.) But it's worse, they were bell bottom stretchy fabric with elastic waistband, worn with black go-go boots 20 years after go-go boots went out. Then she wore one of those huge crinolin (sp) fuzzy hats that looks like a giant snowball (so she didn't have to wash hair.) Looked like an enormous cotton ball. Toss in the sun glasses they give you when you get your eyes dilated - why throw them away when they make perfectly good sun glasses?

Don't worry, I think most of us learned to laugh long ago. I used to get locked out in the freezing cold until I wrote some stupid sentence 1000 times. Most kids would write, "I will not leave the lights on." But how the hell was I supposed to learn a lesson when I didn't even know the meaning of the sentence I had to write 1000 times? And if I couldn't spell a word she'd make me look it up. Like, "Allowing pourous wood to soak in water results in dry rot and renders cutting utensils useless." What the hell does that mean to a kid? Looking back, I guess I never let my wooden knives soak in water, but I had no idea what the heck I was in trouble for back then.

The only way I can do it is play, "RUIN THE FOOD FAST." The second you feel full, dump water and salt on your plate. If there's huge leftovers for another meal, then I wrap it up. But those last few tempting bites will torment me if I don't ruin them.

Jenna, we all got your message. Voo and Sachi were listening to you say hi to them, that was the sweetest. Sorry you can't come, you'll be missed.

I'm an easy going Libra, and I was always afraid of my momster, but my defiant, sister, the fire-spitting Scorpio, got it worst. My sister once found a mayonnaise jar filled with fleas under her pillow. The Momster spent all day picking fleas off of cats and poking holes in the jar to keep them alive. Other times we came home from school to find our mattresses on the front lawn. Not sure what that signified, but it was a pretty typical punishment. One time my sister came home from school to find her entire belongings piled in an enormous heap on her bed. Don't ask me where the Momster found a manikin, but the naked manikin's arm was sticking out of the pile of stuff holding an eviction notice.

Zoe, you crack me up! Maybe my story is the most electrifying, but back then it was pretty popular so there are others like me (or was it all just another bad dream and it never really happened?) Meanwhile, my really skinny friend, Shelly, is an herbalist (her mom actually owns an herbal store.) She has 2 teens and wears a size 2. She lives on chicken and vegetables and never puts an ounce of crap in her system. OH, but it's okay that she smokes a pack of cigarettes every day. Lately she's been horribly ill after a bad "raw oyster" experience. She's been going to doctors for two months and they finally found her problem - she's got two bleeding ulcers. I told her to eat a plate of onion rings and call me in the morning. All those herbs and aloe vera, yet she's got bleeding ulcers.

Vinesqueen, let's see if anyone else compares to our circus-freak families. What was your weirdest punishment as a child? Mine was MIDNIGHT SHOWERS. My momster drank "Tyrolia" or "Spanada" wine that came in huge jugs. After a couple glasses, she'd wait till us 3 kids were dead asleep, then she'd tip toe in our room and dump the jug of Water all over us while chanting, "Midnight Showers." Then after we were all crying in the dark, she'd cackle all the way down the hall and go back in her room and shut the door, leaving us wet and crying. Please help me feel a little normal by trying to top that!

"Whilst food remains in the pouch it produces distension of the pouch with an accompanying feeling of fullness and satiety." I found that on another Band website... distension is a relative term. Maybe carbonated beverages could make you feel temporarily full? I think I'll go pop open a DP!

I checked out that link about carbonation. All it says is, "patients should try to avoid carbonated beverages as they can cause distension of the stomach pouch." This is one of the questions I asked Dr. Billy, but he said there is no proof that carbonation will do this. The theory is "if a big burp gets trapped." I guess if you shook up a warm can of soda then chug-a-lug then I could see this happening. If I could see just one little case of slippage due to carbonation....

I want to offer a very simple challenge. All you gotta do is sit on a bench at your local mall and count all the young teenage girls that go by. I do this, and it's a huge eye-opener. How many of them have bulges, belly pooches or fat rolls? When I was in highschool last year (I mean 20 years ago) there were 3 fat girls in the whole school - I was the middle one. There were no "chubby" kids, just normal thin ones and Debbie, Stacy and me (the fatties.) And I came from an enormous school with thousands of kids. While you're sitting there, you'll notice that about every 5th girl already has little fat rolls hanging over her jeans, and that seems totally exceptable since they're wearing belly-baring shirts. It saddens me that kids are so fat. Maybe they aren't "obese" yet, but 20 years ago kids didn't have rolls or bulges unless they were truly obese. I realize the numbers say that 1/3 of Americans are obese, but when you sit and people-watch the way I do, it's obvious that obesity will "In" next century.

Tell me if this ties in: Chris and I are financially in the "FIRE ENGINE-CHERRY-BLAZING RED" as far as finances, so we just said, "screw it" and took a few hundred out to gamble and play (a big much needed WOOHOOO) by the way. But we played for hours at the Mirage, where their customer service has always been top notch, yet neither of us ever saw a cocktail waitress. I acutally had to leave my Keno machine and go to the bar for drinks (the Mobsters would be shooting those waitresses if they were still around.) So I made a comment to the bartender, who said, "those damn girls get away with murder." Basically, everyone complains that the waitresses don't do their jobs, but when you got a body like that you can get away with it. Same for Hollywood actresses. From the big screen, nobody gives a damn what they're like inside, but if you can cram your ass in a size O thong then you're gonna make a lot of money. After sitting with that bartender, he told me he'd rather have a casino full of real women like me than one of those skinny, stuck up, useless waitress that get by on their looks. And if I had a billion bucks, I'd hire the highschool football team to live with me and run my ass ragged, a few famous chefs to prepare enjoyable gormet meals that I didn't have to think about, and then all my days would be spent skiing, jet skiing, ocean fishing, tap dancing... If I didn't have to work I'd be fit as a fiddle.

Michelle, you may see that as a problem, but I think it’s awesome! I despise clutter, get rid of it! I was raised by hoarders (to the point my family collected citations from the Health Department for piles of cars, countless animals, junk piles.) This left me with complete detest for clutter, dust and disorder. I feel physically sick around dusty piles of crap, unfinished projects, and overfilled, cram-packed closets. I can't work, think or live that way so I'm constantly reorganizing and donating to charity. My house gets still gets really messy, but I have rules for cleaning that I always have to get rid of at least 5 things, even if it's just scarf or plastic cup. If it's been sitting there more than 3 months, throw it away or give it to charity. Clean it up! My husband drives me nuts cause every time he sees a clear counter he drops his keys, glasses, tools n' crap. I've made him his own special clutter areas, but he's just gotta jack up my clear spaces... if he only left my counters clear I might consider DOING IT WITH HIM RIGHT THERE on the clear counter! Can't I just have a clear counter? My dream house would have wide-open spaces where I could skip through the house and dance and twirl without bumping into anything. My enormous problem is with food by hoarding & stock piling when I order in restaurants or fast food. I see the menu and go nuts. I MUST have food immediately so I ask for bread, and I better get my dinner salad damn fast. Then I need appetizers, main course, and dessert. By the time I'm done with my dinner salad, I'm full but have this enormous heap of food sitting in front of me. I always buy too much at the grocery store, but because I can't stand clutter I end up throwing tons of it away on the weekends. I'd love to order just an appetizer one day. Maybe tonight. Here’s an exercise for all you hoarders. If you’re afraid to get rid of something cause, “you may need it one day” just think that someone else might need it today. This sounds weird, but I always put things on my curb when it’s not trash day. My husband used to hate it, but the stuff is always gone by the next day. SOMEBODY out there needs that stuff, and they’ll drive by and snatch it up. I’ve done it with furniture, dishes, and clothes. Sometimes I tape a sign “FREE WOMENS PLUS SIZE CLOTHES, PLEASE TAKE.” The wheels on my otherwise perfectly good suitcase broke, so I set it on the curb and it was gone by morning. Don’t think of it as getting rid of something useful, think of it as helping out someone who really needs what you aren’t using.

Several years ago we bought a brand new scale but had to keep it on the patio because our apartment was so tiny. After weighing myself every day for a week, I literally kicked the #$%@$% scale off the balcony and never looked down. When Chris went to weigh himself, he asked, "where the hell is the new scale." I walked to the balcony and pointed down, and there it lay down below, broken and useless. I'm a daily weigher. I honestly don't think the loss or gain has anything to do with what we're gonna eat or not eat. If only weighing once a month worked, then we'd all be skinny. It's just the obsession - if the scale makes you crazy, get rid of it.

Bobalooey, you're going to have to stop being so clever if you don't want all us perverts wanting you.

Just when you think you've heard it all, now here comes...... Lose Weight on the Peanut Butter Diet Eat 4 to 6 tablespoons of peanut butter every day. You'll lose weight and you won't be hungry. Yeah, yeah, peanut butter is loaded with calories. But it's also packed with monounsaturated fats, which Men's Health magazine calls the original death-defying potion. In fact, the magazine goes so far as to say we should all be on the Skippy Diet to reduce the risk of heart disease AND to lose weight. Researchers at Brigham and Women's Hospital concluded that people who consumed foods that were high in monounsaturated fats, including olive oil, avocados, and peanut butter, were more likely to lose weight and keep it off than people following a more regimented, lower-fat diet. These amazing claims were backed up by researchers at Purdue University. It's really pretty simple: Peanut butter is filling. BUT. Limit your Jif Diet to no more than 6 tablespoons of the gooey stuff a day. Delicious recipes for All Meals Using Peanut Butter [Jif] Peanut Butter Has Diabetes Benefits Too [WebMD] These 5 Foods Help Control Your Appetite [Netscape] How Peanut Butter Is Made [PeanutButterLovers] Fats to Eat and Fats to Avoid [iVillage] What do you eat on the peanut butter diet? Men's Health offers this menu: Breakfast: Peanut Butter and banana shake (1 cup of fat-free milk, 1 medium banana, and 2 Tbsp. peanut butter liquefied in a blender) Lunch: Peanut butter and jelly sandwich and an apple Snack: Peanut butter on a rice cake Dinner: It's peanut-butter free! But be sensible and enjoy a skinless chicken breast, chopped nuts, an avocado, and a salad for example. In case you need justification to go on the peanut butter diet, how about justifying a healthy heart? Peanut butter may just lower your risk of heart disease and stroke. Reuters reports that Italian researchers have concluded that women who consume less Vitamin E may be at a far greater risk of heart disease and stroke. Vitamin E seems to protect against plaque build-up or arteriosclerosis at the carotid bifurcation, the Y-shaped branch in the arteries of the neck. And peanut butter is packed with vitamin E--along with canned salmon with the bones, canned tuna fish, olive oil, almonds, and sunflower seeds. Led by Dr. Paolo Rubba from Federico II University in Naples, Italy, the research team examined 310 women aged 30 to 69, measuring their blood levels of Vitamins A, C, E, and other antioxidants. They also interviewed each participant about her medical history, drug use, personal habits, and food consumption. Based on this information, the women were divided into three groups based on their vitamin E consumption. (None were taking vitamin supplements.) Those who ate a diet that was the richest in vitamin E foods also had the lowest build-up of plaque in the carotid bifurcation. Reuters reports that those who consumed the least vitamin E were nearly three times more likely to have arterial plaque regardless of age, smoking habits, blood pressure, body mass index (BMI), and other heart disease risk factors. How vitamin E protects against heart disease and stroke is not yet known. The study findings were published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition.

Kare, I appreciate your response in a huge way. Nurses injecting drugs that can't even communicate or explain what you are getting... would that ever happen in the US? No way. This was a huge problem for another person, and I figured the lack of communication problem would have been resolved by now, but I guess not. The fact your surgeon insists you simply trust him scares the crap out of me and is enormously wrong. We have the right to know exactly what's being injected, how much, and why. His staff just keeps pumping pain meds into your body without even asking if you need it. I'm not happy with my surgeon, but at least my nurse asked me if I needed more pain meds before shoving them in me. There was an Ortiz patient in the hospital with me that had her hand blow up twice it's size from the IV. Again, it was a nurse's error, but that reflects on the entire experience. I was the only Lopez patient in the hospital with 5 Ortiz patients, and while they all seemed happy with Ortiz, some had me translatting for them to the staff. I knew enough Spanish to get by. I became horrifyingly sick with a bronchial infection and would have been in big trouble if I didn't know Spanish at 3:00 a.m. when I couldn't breathe. Nobody at 3:00 a.m. spoke a word of English. The fact they advertise the 5-Star hotel is part of the dishonesty I drone on about. If they were using Mexican standards they'd call it "Hotel de cinco-estrellas" which means hotel of 5 stars. Those are American standards they're boasting about. For the record, NOTHING in TJ is five-star.

Ya know what? As much as I'd love to be dripping with diamonds, I'd have to turn down a 4 karat it it meant I have to wear it on my face! On my tiara, yes.

It was very difficult, but I gave a co-worker an entire large bag of my Wasabi Peas and cashews. Only 10 bags to go. I swear, I went crazy buying that stuff. Now I have to hold my breath and look at the caloric value of dried banana chips. Scared.

Pansy, I agree 100%. Especially because I can enjoy a can of Diet Pepsi now, whereas before I'd drink it buy the bucket.

My husband wants me to get one of these: