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Pre/Post Surgery Observations



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I was banded last Thursday, June 30th 2005. I feel compelled to share a whole list of personal observations regarding pre and post surgery. In some cases these end up being recommendations. If they don't help maybe they will at least raise a smile or two. I should qualify all of this in advance though by saying that this was the smartest decision I've ever made.

--------------------- Pre/Post Surgery ----------------------------------

1.) Hairy Chest - If you are a man (or ....gulp....maybe even a woman) with a hairy chest, shave the damn thing yourself before surgery. The rat bastard who shaved me during the procedure nicked my right nipple so bad to where I have more discomfort there then in all my incisions put together. I should have suspected something was wrong when I discovered a bandage over the nipple as well as the incisions.

2.) Urinating Right After Surgery - Do it! Even if you have to fake it. The nurse standing there with a catheter in her hand had a real sadistic look in her eye and something told me she was hoping I'd fail. As fate would have it, its hardest to go when threatened like that. Don't panic and don't watch the nurse with the catheter!

3.) Barium Drink After Surgery - Don't smell it first! Just swallow the damn thing or you'll really piss off the orderly when they have to mop the floor and clean off the Flouroscope before they can take the X-Ray of the crap dripping down into your "real" stomach. Plus they'll make you drink a second one. Definitely don't smell the second one!!!!

4.) Pictures of Your Lap-Band - If you hurled during the Barium Drink episode (see 3. above), don't dwell on the color photos of the Lap-Band attached to your belly that they'll hand you in the recovery room. Especially avoid looking at the photos that the other patients (and their proud family members) will want to show you as well. Seems sadistic people come out of the woodwork when they know you are close to blowing chow, and they'll start talking about things like the "hair in their eggs" they found that morning at breakfast!

5.) Wheel Chair - When they bring the wheel chair out to take you out to your car, examine it closely first to make sure you can fit in it. The one my nurse brought was ridiculously too small and I had to endure the embarrasment of having to be wedged free from it in front of all the other patients.

--------------------- At Home, liquid Diet ------------------------------

1.) Your First Sip of Liquid - Make sure its Water, something with NO smell! Drink it while kneeling in front of the toilet, it will save time. IMPORTANT NOTE: Beg spouse to clean toilet well before kneeling in front of it!!!! Be prepared to also beg spouse to clean toilet again after.

2.) Day 2 at Home, Removing Bandages - Do NOT ask spouse to rip off bandages real fast so you won't feel it! These wounds ain't raspberries you got on your knees from falling down in the driveway!!! SLOWLY remove the 3 - 4 small ones first. If there is a bandage over one or more of your nipples, save those for last! You should probably do this while standing in a warm shower. DO NOT try to scrub off the yellow iodine stain from your belly, give it a few days to wear off! IMPORTANT NOTE: Make sure you've waited a while after drinking liquid before attempting this. Make sure your spouse hasn't eaten recently before showing him/her your "staples".

3.) Gas - Nothing can prepare you for the amount of methane you are going to release into the atmosphere on the first 2 - 3 days at home. Because you'll probably be pretty bored by now, try timing the duration of the releases to see if you can beat your "personal best"! My record holds firm at 40 seconds today. IMPORTANT NOTE: Don't have blind faith that a gas release won't be "productive". Wear old underwear the entire first week.

4.) Your First BM - Unless this already happened by accident (see 3. above), you may start feeling a little apprehensive about your first BM since the surgery. Fear not! But there are some things you should be aware of. Barium glows in the dark after being exposed to the Flouroscope. Make sure lights in the bathroom are on at all times unless you want to freak out your spouse.

Also, Barium does NOT flush well. It may require 10 - 15 flushes before all traces are gone. IMPORTANT NOTE: Examine toilet paper roll first to make sure adequate quantity of paper is available before commencing.

5.) Your Sense Of Smell - In case you didn't have a real strong sense of smell before surgery, prepare yourself. Your body seems to know that its not going to get food and will improve your sense of smell ten-fold to try to find it. I made the mistake on day 4 of going grocery shopping with my spouse and was able to tell the person behind the deli counter which of their meats had met their expiration date. I was even able to point out to the lady in the bakery that the spinach she was adding to the dough (for the batch of spinach bread she was making) was grown in the Phillipines...in 2003....before the monsoons! And I was right!

6.) TV Commercials - You will become more aware of food oriented TV commercials than ever before. IMPORTANT NOTE: Refrain from throwing can of Ensure (chocolate Royale) at TV when Taco Bell commercial introducing NEW Crunchwrap Supreme comes on. IMPORTANT NOTE: Make sure young family members are not present when giving middle finger to Jarred in the Subway commercials.

That's it for now, I'll write more as the days progress. I think I'm really looking forward to starting in on the solid foods again. Did I already state that this was the best decision I ever made in my life?

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IMPORTANT NOTE: Don't have blind faith that a gas release won't be "productive". Wear old underwear the entire first week.

You know, friend, it's funny you word it this way. Just this very evening I have been suffering some liquidness there again....and I was pondering, while sitting....if anyone else on the board referrs to liquid BM's as "productive farts" or PF's as I do. And here you are referring to gas as being productive. Guess it's not just me then!!! Nice to know I'm not alone in this problem. I've run through a few pairs of undershorts in the past week and a half......

You also had MANY a hospital experience that I did not. It's interesting how different. I didn't have to do the barium swallow, also, they didn't make me ride a wheelchair, they made me walk my tired @ss everywhere including out the door when they released me. I also go NO picture of my lap band. Now I feel like I was cheated!

Also, I didn't have the joy of bandages...my doctor superglued the beejezus out of my incisions so I've been pick pick picking at that for DAYS and it's STILL on there!! Sheesh!

Bad news about the nicked nipple tho....that's just all kinds of not right.

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This is soooooo funny!!!!!!!

I just have to add one that I have already shared on another post.

Probably best under the Gas Section:

Unless you want to play along and tell everyone your are "due" in a few months - stay home for a few days after surgery or be prepared for the question!!!!!

I was darting pregnant women left and right at the Farmers Market two days after the surgery in FULL BLOAT!!!!

There is also the liquid diet deleria!!!! I woke up in the middle of the might laughing histerically because I was dreaming of how delightful mac and cheese would be in the blender!!!!!

Thanks for the humor!!! Much needed right in the thick of my first week!

BTW - my DH expresses his deepest sympathy for your nipple. The BM talk - glow in the dark BM - no problem, but the nicked nipple - That one really got him!!!!!

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BTW - I thought I was done with the hydrocodone until I read your posts - I might have to get a refill bacause my incisions are going to bust open laughing any minute!!!!

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They gave you hydrocodone???? You haven't lived until you've yakked up one of those little plastic cups of Liquid Tylenol!!!! New improved orange taste indeed.

Now you've got me going back through all of the spam I've received telling me how I can order hydrocodone without a Rx.

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Soonergirl, you refer to your DH in a previous message. My wife calls me this all the time but it s pretty derogatory. Can you tell me what it means in your household?

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You haven't lived until you've yakked up one of those little plastic cups of Liquid Tylenol!!!! New improved orange taste indeed.

Now you've got me going back through all of the spam I've received telling me how I can order hydrocodone without a Rx.

Wow...I never yakked up the liquid Tylenol, it stays down fine, just makes me sleepy. I got liquid Vicoden in the hospital and they dosed me up way too much...so much I was hallucinating. Nice. I signed off for my valuables while riding the Vicoden monkey. How scary is THAT? I would have signed just about anything at that point......

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Oh my gosh this is a funny thread!!!! Keep going, gang! I won't attempt to add much to the wittiness happening here, this is too fun!!!

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giveyouthe moon,

liquid Vicoden????? And you think I received more than you during the procedure?

You might have a point there.....there is some still in the bottle. The folks are work are jockying for my leftovers.

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I just got out of my first follow-up visit since the surgery last Thursday. Aside from being down 14 pounds, they removed all of my staples. It didn't hurt much until the nurse sprayed some kind of disinfectant on all the incisions. I now have a whole new set of bandages to remove again in two days. The nurse had the nerve to ask me what happened to my right nipple. I think she was the one that "nicked" me during the surgery. I didn't think it was that serious until she sprayed the nipple and put another bandage on that as well and then she wrote something down on my chart. I now have an appointment for my first fill in 3 weeks. Hopefully the nipple will be healed by then!

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Bobalooey....Nicked your nipple...what the hell? Where did they put your band? In your throat? Well, guess now you might as well hang an earring off of it! NIPPLE RINGS RULE! ehehehehe

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This was too funny. I'm one week out and I can relate to everything accept the shaving mishap and I didn't throw up after going home. Actually this is the most accurate description that I've seen.

"Paparazzi"

PS I flipped off Flipped off Jarrod also.

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