It has been almost 3 weeks since I've last lost even an ounce!
At the moment I am seriously depressed.I regret having started smoking after surgery again.I am so angry with myself about this.Stopping is not an issue.Stopping and not gaining weight is.Somehow this warped head of mine believe that the smoking had something to do with the weight loss.I am petrified of stopping and gaining.But I want to stop as I want to run more,cannot do that while coughing and wheezing!
Also today I would have loved a real binge,I mean an all fall down eat till you're sick binge!I know it sounds horrible but stalling like is is messing with my head so badly.I have always believed that if you dont lose you are doing something wrong.I am still convinced of it.Dont know how to FEEL different about it.I am anxious,depressed,obesessive and generally feels like I AM A BIG FAT FAILURE AGAIN!
And most of all,today I dont feel that the sleeve was the right option for me!If I did gastric bypass I might have been T goal already!I am too messed up as a person to handle the mind games of losing and stalling and losing and stalling,not knowing if its me,is this it,is this as good as its gonna get because no matter what I do I cant move the scale?I hate,hate being so out of control.I hate this sleeve!
I have started tracking my daily calorie and even though Im hitting 60g of protein most days my calories have been around 450 to 600 which kind of explains to me why I just cannot even play badmington with my 11 year old.I realized that during the holiday I dropped my cals just automatically without even noticing.I have not even attempted to playa game of squash as even the thought of it made me tired.
Today I decided to eat more.Back to 1000 when I need energy to exercise.
The thing is even though it wasnt really too much,I dont feel to well.I am hyper aware of my stomach all day and I think of food,something I havent done in a month.
Tomorrow I will go back to eating very little again.I will drink my tea with milk,eat my 2 tiny tiny meals but to that I will start adding a protein shake to help with the protein.I will try and buy a shake that is high in vitamins too as drinking a multi feels like it irritates my stomach and makes me hungry.
Hopefully that will give me a little energy.But the exercise is on.It was shocking to see how little I could do and I had a huge drop in blood sugar to boot halfway through.These are things that I now need to fix as my friend has aked me to run the 10k in November or December with her and I stupidly said,of course I will.
That was me for the day.Weight still the same!
well,I took the advice of everyone that said relax and enjoy the holiday.I added carbs and enjoyed the good food,the wine and the company!
I lost 3 pounds in the past 3 weeks.HOWEVER,my hair started falling out again like crazy.I mean I flooded the bathroom this morning when I didnt notice my hair blocking the shower drain...lol
Obviously my proteins for the past couple of weeks must have been way too low.Having said that,I have been wanting to test my total protein for a while now as I have some signs of not absorbing enough protein.It might be a matter of not spreading it out enough during the day.Will urgently have to look into that because at 10 months out this is now freaking me out a little.
At the moment I am 6 pounds from goal.There is still way too much fat on my stomach and my thighs so I will drop my goal with 10 pounds.Will also take my time with losing this as I do not plan on cutting back my calories as drastic as before.I was eating around 1500 on holiday and felt energetic and my skin looks better.Having added the carbs have taken care of my constipation issues and I dont have this constant mild belly ache I've had since surgery.
My kids are constantly saying things like "mom,when you came to fetch me at gymnastics I thought you were someone else" or "mommy,you are so skinny now" this feels so great and I have started looking at myself in the mirror for the first time in many many years.I really dislike the fact that I have so much loose skin and a lot of wrinkles but I am starting to see me a little better.I dont always look fat to myself anymore.Sometimes when I walk past shop windows I notice myself skinny and sometimes By the next window pane I see the old me.Being very body dismorphic I suppose this will take time.
Lately I have been wondering how I will get the courage to go for plastics.I am blessed with the finances (have set up a plastics fund years ago that is so big now I can do a trip around the world with it..lol) but lack the courage.I am petrified of anasthetic and am actually a real coward.I feel ashamed of this when I read how some people really want to go for plastics but cannot afford it.Plastics in the UAE is a very dicey business as you cannot see before and after pics or dont ever really know how good the surgeons are as it is a very hush hush business.People often rather go abroad to do it but I cannot see myself being brave enough to do this.Anyway,maybe I will wait till summer and drag the whole family off to some strange country to have this done.Or maybe I will somehow become brave and do it here.I see that dr Diamond of the tv program is a regular visiting surgeon now,should maybe go and see him..lol
My surgeon really wants his patients to do plastics as he says his experience have taught him that in the long term,people that did the plastics tend not to regain much.The reason Im thinking of this is that in order to body sculpt you still need some fat.A friend that reached goal (her goal not surgeons goal) and exercised like crazy had too little body fat for them to fix her butt without implants.she came out smooth but without any curves or a butt.The weight of the excess skin of arms,legs,full body lift and boobs were less than 2 pounds.The dr did say he really wished she had a little more body fat he could have worked with.I will go for a consult with a reconstructive guy just for the heck of it when I have lost 6 more pounds to see what he says about this.
Anyway,I am yet to start exercizing seriously.I still play squash twice a week and do pilates reformer though.When I stop being so lazy I will go and train with the personal trainer that has been paid upfront 4 months ago already..lol
Life is good in lalaland and we're having the mildest winter in the 11 years I've been here.Now that I can wear cute winters clothes,it is 00:50 in the morning and I am sitting on my balcony without a jacket...lol
God is good all the time and I am blessed beyond measure.I thank Him every day for this surgery that has given me back my life after so many years of failure and self loathing for my lack of self control.
It often seems to me that people make things up as they go along.Very often,depending on who they are talking to,the story changes to suite the audience.About events in their lives,about the way they feel about thing and the way they have experienced it.Human beings are great at self deception and deceiving....not always on purpose either.Often to make things seem better.Often to make ourselves look better and often because we just dont remember things the way they happened.I have friends that had this surgery and the way they remember the early days now is not the way I remember it at all,and I did go through this at some small level with them...what they ate,how they felt,how they reacted to things.
The purpose of my blog is to expose the way having a surgery like this makes me feel.What it does to me physically and my reactions to it.How it affects my every day life and what my expectations are.
Now,I live in a country where no one is prepaired to admit they had this surgery.Support group is in early developmental stage and my great therapist left abruptly in the middle of last year sans a 65 pounds regain from me and the surgery as a result.
I do not work outside of my house and I have a full time live in housekeeper.I have 2 kids,one at uni and one going to middle school next year.I have a lot of free time on my hands at the moment as a whole lot of my close friends left the country last year and the friends I have left are the people that we mostly eat with and have coffee mornings or tea with.That in itself is slightly challenging for me at the moment.Eating out,going to Friday "brunch" (lunch like on sunday) going to lunch with friends and eating cakes at coffee shops for some reason,mostly peoples birthdays or going away teas, are big passtimes for us here.o,when we are not to heavy or ashamed of the weight gains we also exercise together when we can agree on which class to do.Life as an expat is different.life in the middle east is different.It is a good life with lots of disposable cash and no family support structure and a lot of heartache over good friends leaving.It is a trancient society where no one ever really gets to know anyone too well...they will leave again so you just dont invest too much of yourself in people anymore...10 years experiencing all this teaches one how to protect your heart.All this might seem very trivial to some but I do not need to defend my life or justify the way we live anymore.This was the first thing I now had to overcome.This is my life and it is great.
We are blessed beyond believe with a wonderful church and wonderful people in church.Our kids are healthy and doing great.We have enough money to travel a lot and life in general...just great.
This surgery is a big thing in my life.I believe I am as positive as I can be about it.As for my feelings about the long term outcome.I know I will have to make this work.At the moment it is still a little overwhelming to me that it is school holiday and insteat of going to stay at a beach resort we will stay home...the eating thing is just to complicated for me at the moment.Summer holidays are coming up in little less than 3 months.This is the time of year we go back to our home countries for 2 months or travel to europe to holiday,how will I cope with that?The lack of routine always gets to me during summer and the family back home do not know about this surgery.
I am,and will go through all 120 different emotions every day and I will acknowledge each and every one of them.Pay attention to the good ones and let go of the bad ones.That is the way I will earn to deal with the new me.The me that cannot eat away pain.The me that constantly think about food.The me that realize that my hunger has always been in my head,and it feels no different now.
This is how I will overcome using food for fun and learn to be normal.I can feel all this and not react to it.Not act on it.Not give in to it.I will be honest about everything I eat and feel.
I will win this battle to become normal.
One last thing for this day.
I follow a what have you eaten today threat on another forum and I must confess when I see the following I think they are lying....I am not saying they are lying,I am saying I think they are lying.I hope,hehe.
B: fatfree actimel.
L: 1 saltine cracker and 1teaspoon phili
D: beef-the size of a grape and quarter of a very small baby potato
This is at 3 months out and a sample only...not directed at a person,just an eg.
This is when I freak out at how little one can really eat and how on earth I am going to get mymind around that.I never had that kind of restriction with the band.Mostly it was all or nothing,like everything else in my life..lol
xxo
Its been longer than a week now since I quit smoking.I also lost the weight I gained when I quit plus one.
Today 204 pounds.
The exercise program for the week was as follows:
Reformer pilates on Sunday and Tuesday for one hour at a time.
Some interval graining with weights on Monday.
Tuesday evening 1 hour of squash
wednesday evening 6,4km in 40 minutes (its still 98 degrees in the evening here with very high humidity)
Thursday 6,4km walk in 55 minutes.
friday squash 1,5 hours
saturday squash 1,5 hours
I didnt have the guts to up my calories.So I lowered it,hehehe! I have been on 700 with 30 carbs and between 65 and 75g protein every day!
Lots of hard work and little food for 1 pounds!
Ok,now for this week!
today I will take some pictures for the first time post op.Its been 5 and a half months now that I've still been avoiding the pics.
My kid took some the morning of surgery (and some the morning after).
I might even post them if I can see a difference.Being very body dismorphic doesnt make life easy.I have to see myself with my mind and not really my eyes as my eyes still see me almost exactly the same,but with a lot more wrinkles and drooping skin.My head tells me 88 pounds is a significant weight loss.
S,lets see how brave I can be!
hi
I a so technologically challenged that I rather buy a new laptop than admit it might be me that just cannot work the old one...lol
this is me day of surgery
and me about a week ago.
For the past week I have been thinking of what to write for my one year update.
Firstly,I dont regret having the sleeve as far having lost the weight and the way I am looking.It feels good to be thin even though I have loads of extra hanging skin.
But,and I am so sad that there has to be a but here...
I went into menopause at the age of 45 3 months after having the surgery.At the time my dr said it might just be because I am losing a lot of stored estrogen and the symptoms might disappear,but it didnt quite go away.I now have a period every 4 mnths or so and hotflashes,as they please.Horrible to be dealing with this now.Anyway,I am dealing with it.
I am bruised black and blue the whole time.Bruises that is clearly not casued by bumps as they are in such strange places.My bloods are all out of wack,different ones every time I have it done.The amount of pills I have to take is unreal.This would be fine if it wasnt affecting my stomach the way it does.I now have to add carafate to the PPi I am taking.As for the bruising,no one seems to know why this is happening and I am due for more tests in the next couple of weeks.The one thing that has also changed drastically is my lipid profile.My TC was never high,I had great HDL and LDL was normal.Now my HDL is super low,my LDL is super high and my Tc borders on high.Who knows how the heck that happens while losing 137 pounds?
About a month ago I started having symptoms of peripheral neuropathy.I dont want to comment on this too much as I am still inshock dealing with the burning,tingling and pain in my hands and feet.I hope this will go away with the supplements I am taking as I have no idea how one live with this indefintely without going stir crazy.
Just to top all this and make it more interesting,my neck,back and tailbone is giving me hell.I seem to be growing a hump om my upperback and the kids tell me I am bent like the moon.I have a lot of upperback and neck pain but the bad thing is I cannot atand for longer than a couple of seconds before my lower back is killing me.I can sit and I can walk,no problem.I just cannot stand.
I am extremely sad that things are not as straight forward for me as for others as it would have been nice to enjoy being at goal at this point.To have dealt with my fears about having plastics as I am almoat ready to so it I dislike my arms that much...lol.
However I am constantly trying to deal with some health fallouts at the moment.I am so scared that this will be my life now.Hands and feet on fire,a back that cause for me to have to sit down all the time.A neck that keeps me awake all night and to top that I look like I was in a bad accident or fight,all the time.
This all sounds so negative.But I might have gotten sick just from being fat if I didnt have this surgery.If only dealing with these issues werent so complex.If only there were some easy answers and fixes.I am a fixer.I am a doer.If something is wrong,fix it and most of my issues I cannot only not fix,I can hardly manage them.
Maybe in a couple of months I will find myself healthy.Painfree!Burn free!Free of bruises!Taking less than 15 pills a day.But for now I am a little fearful about my future.
And then I want to just delete this post as it isnt what I want things to be like and about.
But then I will leave it to read in a little while when things are better and the problems have been resolved.
Part 2 will talk about all the nice stuff...like wearing a size 36B bra..hehehe!And having bought a size 10,yes a size 10 broadshort, yesterday!Not all is bad and life does go on!
Thanks for the responses!
Well,the burning and tingling in my hands might be related to the fine rash of blisters that I have started developing this week...I might have shingles after all! But till I can get to see the dr.I have started adding a lot of new stuff to my pills...lol. CoQ10,fish oil pills and extra vit D and some magnesium and extra vit C.
My hands still tingle but that terrible burn has been a bit better for 2 days now.The pain is also less.Got meself a tempur pillow to go with my lovely tempur bed and my neck feels a bit better.Decided to sit if I cant stand...lol.
I do really hope the bruising goes away just because and seeing as I cant fix these issues just like that,I must just learn to manage it day by day.Of course you can hear Im having a good day..relatively painfree and I had about 6 hours sleep last night..lol.
No seriously though!I was a fat,healthy person with the constitution of an ox...lol.It just overwhelms me sometimes when I realize I am taking pain killers every day or when I go shopping with my girls and have to bail out halfway...THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED IN MY LIFE! It scares me when I realize our dr's here in the UAE knows NOTHING about bariatric surgery!They question you when you say you have to do one year post op bloods.The vitamins we can find here is sub standard and something like bariatric viamins is unheard of.Even powdered vit D ( which I need as my D stays very low even with high D supplements) is not available.I am going to try and buy it with shop and ship and see if they confiscate it.
Ok,so tomorrow part 2.the great year I've had,how interesting maintenance is and what I do right and wrong now!
first,the hotel stay was great.Buffets are just difficult now as of course I wanted to eat and in fact I had half a flat bread toastedwhich I wouldnt usually do.
Anyway,it is what it is...we travel a lot and I have to get use to it.
On the 5th I was 249 pounds.I find the weight loss painfully slow.I can not understand that I lose this slow.Whenever I diet I lose a lot faster and this is like a super strict mostly low carb diet,WHY IS THE WEIGHT LOSS SO SLOW?
it drives me nuts.Having said that,I am not really exercising at all....maybe that really will make a difference.
xxo
For 4 years I had constant pain in my hip and upper leg.Since buying my tempur bed and 3 months post op,no more pain!I sleep so much better and well,no pain.
Every time I exercise my "bones" ache so badly that I just want to quit.Execised again today and now the sides and front of my lower leg has this deep ache.I hate drinkng pain killers but for a while at least I suppose I will have to take 2 panadols to help me with the sleeping at night.Since I have started sleeping better for the first time in years,I am not prepaired to give it up,no way!
But exercise I will.No more cop outs and excuses!None!
Today I am 229 pounds.O my goodness this makes me happy!
Some observations now that I am 3 and a half months out:
1. When I exercise and take a multivitamin I am a lot hungrier than usual.
2. At night,I can eat way more than in the morning.
3. Snacking of any kind stalls my weight.Who knows why.It seems that my body reaches a homeostasis quickly whe I give it little bits of food all the time,even though my calories stays at 800 per day.However,when I snack it is easy to go up to 1000 or even 1200 per day.
4. Losing focus is quite easy.When life happens I still want to return to my default,eating away my hurts and fears.Even though I cant.
5.Exercise hurts more than ever.My goodness I am weak.Maybe waiting so long before starting to do some weights was a bad idea as it is quite pathetic to see me now..lol
6.Calcium and magnesium citrate helps with constipation.
7.Not focussing on the scale,even learning to laugh the days the weight is up a little.When you know what you do is right,you will lose weight.If what you do doesnt work for you,change it!
8.CARBS certainly seems to be my friend.Even though everyone says dont!I lose way more when I eat little bits of carbs every day!
Now I am going to South Africa (where it is winter and cold cold cold) and this will be my baptism with fire as far as making good food choices are concerned.But for the first time I am sure things will go well.I know what I can eat,what I should avoid and as long as I keep my portion sizes small it will be ok.My mom has a treadmill so I can do some running for exercise!
I am so happy for everyone that is losing weight.It is so life changing and living is so much easier!
xxo
i just read the scariest thread on OH.
A lady,4 years and 8 months out and gaining rapidly.Feeling lost and having no idea how to get out of the mud.She is back to not really knowing how she will lose the weight again.
This scares me senseless! What if what I think is mindful changes is just a matter of not being able to eat a lot?What if the WANT to outeat the sleeve starts in me too?How am I going to do this in the long term?I dont want to be on diet for the rest of my life.
I can do what I am doing now for the rest of my life,IF ONLY IT WORKS!
The problem does seem to be eating around the sleeve.Eating constantly,eating junk like crisps and a lot of carbs and sugar.But what if the changes I feel,like not depriving but not over indulging,keeping a good balance,saying no to myself to bad stuff most of the time,isnt real?
What if I am not learning to eat like a normal skinny person?
How do we know what will work for the FOREVER we need?
I am really freaked out by this as I saw a therapist for a year.In that year she aimed to teach me what normal was.I lost 70 pounds in 6 months and then went on holiday to the family.My brother and me had an argument and he seriously hurt my feelings.It was 4 days before I was to come home.I GAVE MYSELF PERMISSION to eat emosionally just for those 4 days until I could get away from them and I LOST NORMAL in those 4 days.I never could get back on track and it took me about 3 months to regain all 70 pounds again.This was 2 years ago.
What if this happens again.Of course I have the resolve to not let it.Maybe that is another reason to have all the plastics done.Arms,legs,tummy,boobs.If I gain a 100 pounds then I will surely explode and that will just be the end of that!
Now I have to try and calm down to sleep!
Today was a little more difficult for me as far as the drinking was concerned....I WANT TO EAT!
There,I've said it! Now,I will let it go!
I am constantly worried about calories.Being onw of the only people who still havent lost weight at 5 dys post op I am questioning myself seriously even though I know that is crazy!
Drinks for the day:
3 cups of clear beef soup.It has about 50 calories in each cup I think.
1 scoop isopure protein 110 calories
A small little bit of sf puding in liquids generously 70 cals
Then I had about 100 ml skim milk...dont know how much say 45 cals
And as an encore I had a mushroom liquid cup-a-soup for dinner 70 cals
Only about 30g of protein though.
That is a whole lot...almost 500 for day 5. My goodness.
Part of the issue is that I add something to all water as I have a real hard time drinking water.So I am sipping something all the time but it is not just water.
What is going to happen to me?Am I going to out eat this sleeve right from the start?How will I do when I get to eat?
I am so full of doubt and then I really struggle to understand the instructions for This pureed phase.
It says: half cup per meal
6 meals per day
30 minutes per meal
Water,broth,fat free milk,fat free gravy ( whatever that might be) PUREED POTATO AND PUTEED VEGETABLES.
Two weeks long,food must have consistency of a smooth paste or a thick liquid.add spicey or dairy slowly and in small amounts.
I am really stupid and will have to look up which veg will go down well.I will start cooking fresh though as my tumm never liked instant anything,even before.
Will also consult a friend that had the surgery the 28th of Feb. About what she ate.Lucky girl is now on stage 3 with soft solid foods.
Just hope the next week passes quickly and I can start to drive my car ( dont know when I can)
Stitches comes out next Saturday!
O well,another day another whatever..LOL
just finished packing for our trip and my clothes only takes up about a third of the space the old big clothes use to take!Am just so excited to just get away for a few days and am not worried about the eating anymore.
We joked about it today as I have a mild bout of gastritis again and with the meds and the pain eating causes,I know I will be fine eating very,very little.Very timely,one wouldnt usually say of something like this!
We did another strange thing.Phoned the hotel and asked if we could bring our mini freezer (actually a camping fridge freezer...lol) as I have special dietary needs,I need sf popcicles so that I am not tempted to eat real ice cream...hehehe!It is a VERY special need indeed!
Here in the Middle east you will often find people bringing boxes of snacks and food when they stay at the 5 star resorts.The staff never says anything,the local habits are just different.We've never done anything like this before but I feel myself a local this week (been here 11 years and should qualify by now..lol)
See you all next week!
This is just to remind you why smoking ever again would be a stupid thing to do.
You constantly want to snack now that you dont have the smoke to run to.Everything but proteins have carbs.So edamame is nice but the carbs .....,even the bullets have 2 carbs an if you eat 5 per day that adds another 10 carbs.The dreaded feeling that you have just self sabotaged like you always do is horrible isn it?Not knowing if you will lose more weight?Not seeing the bright side of life because 1.either your smoking like a thief with something to hide or 2.your withdrawing like a junkie once again....
Having to go through the cravings and being so mad at yourself all the time is quite unhealthy dont you think?
The way you feel at the moment sucks.Dont do it again.
Ok,day 3 is over and I must admit.Without being able to eat the whole time,this was tough.
So I should shut up until I really quit!
Thats all I have to say about that!...lol
Now,I have realized that I obsess wayyyy to much about the scale and I can say it because today I am down a kg and my mood is completely different.
Then,I have also realized that when I add a little more fat to my diet I eat a lot less.Not a lot,just a little more.I want less of everything.And to reset is actually possible.One day of super low carbs and just enough proteins (60g) and the next day the hunger is gone.
Will try to remember this when I go nuts again.
i noticed a while ago that I weighed 133kg when I saw the surgeon a week before surgery.I decided to ignore that and keep my stats the same but when I came out of the hospital after surgery I weighed 5 pounds more.
Today I decided to fix this on my ticker.Why not?I have lost more than I thought initially.
So it was 292.6 a week before surgery and 297.6 three days after.
Today I weigh 218 which is a loss of 79 pounds which is a lot more.
I am flying back to Dubai tomorrow and for some reason I am scared that this nice weightloss I had on holiday will slow down.
We will start exercising next week which might help tone and build muscles as I am super flabby.
xxo
10 days ago,while on holiday no less,I stopped smoking.It has been a challenge but I am not going to smoke again.I decided not to stress too much about my eating as I have visitors that eats nothing but junk and carbs.They do not eat any of the food we usually eat.For some reason this made me super self concious and I started cooking rubbish and eating it too.
Yesterday I weighed and was up 5 pounds already.This made me realize a couple of things.This is out life and my house.If they dont like the food we usually eat,let them either cook for themselves or go get takeouts.My kids have alos gained weight already and my little 12 year old is a gymnast and competition time is coming up.She cannot afford to gain weight now.
So I started cooking healthy foods again and I am down 2 pounds already.Avoiding the carbs just a little and sugar completely.Sugar is not my friend..lol.
The health issues are still there but as soon as the visitors are gone I will see the phycisian again.My hands and feet are a little better but I still have a lot of pain.The bruising comes and goes and the back and neck ache seems to be under control.
Life is good.I have decided to tackle issues as they come up and not regret anything about having the sleeve.I LIKE BEING THINNER THAN EVERYONE ELSE.it makes me feel great and I will keep it this way.No matter what.
We stayed at a stunning resort last week.There were these "toys" (a trampoline a bananna slide ect ect) in the sea.Usually I couldnt get on these things and would never even attempt to.But with a little ecouragement from the kids I got onto each and everyone of those things and we had a ball of a time.This again made me realize how different life is now.
Of course the fact that I fit into a size 10 (UK) freaked me out completely..lol.The size 36B bra is totally crazy as well.
So,this is me for now.Enjoying life,trying to find the balance with the food and just getting use to the new normal I now live.
over the past few weeks I have been on a real roller coaster emosionally.
The thing is I did have a what the heck have I done moment while still in hospital but once it was done,how can that matter? I am never an eternal optimist about anything but I cannot look back to often,I just get so angry with myself for lacking the self discipline needed to eat normal.
So,I have little moments when I really want to eat...just to eat,not because I am hungry.Then I have moments when I have the pain in my back and abdomen that I am scared it will stay like this forever.Then I have moment s when I think I can drink/eat too much of the liquidized food.Then I fear the acid which I know is present as it affects my voice.
Most of all I fear failing at this,not losing the weight,eating when I shouldnt,staying fat!
BUT THEN I HAVE MOMENTS WHEN I REALLY BELIEVE THAT MY FUTURE WILL BE EASIER.That I will lose weight and be able to have fun with my 11 year old.
That everything will be ok.
I dont dwell on any one of these things for too long.They are all fleeting emosions.At the moment I am trying to be patient with not eating solids and to drink enough and to not over do it during the day.
And that is good enough for me for now.
Xxo
The moment I say my hair is not falling out anymore,hands full come out.
The moment I say eating is now stress free and easy,I have a bad day...lol
Today was a bad day and counting the caramel popcorn I had at the movies (went to distract myself,ok,not...to eat popcorn) my calories was about 1500 for the day I believe.Wont know as I dcided not to track today.
That was at lunch time and of course it did trigger a worm in my head.For dinner I tried to be good,had 3oz of turkey breast and capsicum but an hour later I found some chicken livers my housekeeper had made with perri-peri and onions and I ate about another 3oz of that.Then I was on a roll.But,I stopped myself and have had 3 huge cups of tea with milk since then.
Funny thing is Stress really gets to me these days where as before the surgery I was tough.Really tough.My kids nearly fainted when they saw me cry a month or so after surgery as I am not,or was not,the crying type,ever!
I live thousands of miles from my family and when things go wrong there with one of them I feel so isolated and powerless.but what bugs me more is that I have physical symptoms that I can only think is stress.I am not sick but have a huge fever blister on my lip.My back and face for that matter have broken out in acne-like pimples...I look like a teenager at the moment.
Of course before we go home we always groom ourselves a lot and pretend we always look like this...hehehe.This time though,I am full of pimples,a fever blister,my nails are as short as they've ever been so no nice french manicure and my bras just dont fit.I am now a size 38 C cup but the problem is with a C cup the bit under the arm is too narrow to hide the jelly bits on the side of the boobs and under the arm so I either have to wear a bra that is floppy in the cup or one which makes the jelly bits show.I have gone out and bought an insame amount of clothes just because I am stressed about everyone seeing me for the first time.Stupid isnt it?
I have also developed this crazy pain between my shoulder blades and I am sure it is because my boobs are hanging the way they do.My little kid tells me my back looks like a moon so I've been looking for those posture support thingies.Problem is "due to higene issues madam" one cannot fit them and I dont have a clue which size I should buy.Also"due to higene issues madam" you are not allowed to return it.
Tomorrow I will smell the roses.My little kid is coming back from camp (was a little lost without her) and my friend from Perth is coming for a quick visit.I have taken control of my overly busy schedule.Have dumped the project of bringing a couple of guys that are on the streets in Brazil since been released from prison back to SA before christmas on someone elses shoulders (I will still donate the tickets) and the women I look after here in prison will have to wait till monday for a visit.
I also suppose I shouldnt use this blog as a sound board but should start up a diary again...lol.However,I do plan on reading this in the future when I struggle and posting some stressors on here now might help me handle future stressors and eating issues that might go with that.I will then have no excuses as this have been a super stressful year and people often say,life happened and I started regaining because of stress,yada,yada,yada! No excuses ok? No regains! No slipping back into bad habits because of life.Life is happening now too and one bad day will not kill me as long as I take control again the next day.
Should try and sleep more though as it is one thing I am not controlling very well.I almost never get to bed before 2:00am and that is bad for the weight loss.So,gallas,going to bed now.
237 this morning! Thats 50 pounds!
On the downside I had a little very diluted wine last night and heartburn at 4 this morning.So,I am now finished with alcohol.Dont need it anyway.BUT I also added acidophyllis and a B12 sublingual and a folic acid to my vits last night.That,with the wine and a not low in fat pork sausage,might have just freaked out my poor stomach.
Will wait 1 day then start back,one by one,the following:
1.multi vit in the morning with acidophyllis.
2. Calcium + magnesium citrate at lunch
3.B12 a 16:00
Will see how it works.I am a very undisciplined person that is a real scatterbrain and tend to forget stuff way to often.Will try to be good!
On the food side.I think I am losing because I am eating very little.Having said that there is the odd day now that I dont make my proteins and should step that up a little.
xxo
well,tomorrow will be my first stay in a hotel since the sleeve so we will see how I handle the eating thing.I am taking stuff like beef jerky and string cheese for snacks and a protein drink,new one that comes in sachets from WIN.25g protein in 120 calories,very low in fat and carbs.
I am so hopeful that I will have a big loss again soon.
This coming week I will start doing some weight training and I am considering getting a personal trainer for a few months...I am goingto start reformer pilates next sunday as well.
Ok,here goes self discipline over the next few days.thank goodness sweet stuff makes me feel sick at the moment.
hi
I am not on the site a lot anymore as I am sooo busy.
But I said I would update anything that has to do with the VSG and here I am.
So,the burning and tingling sensation in my hands and feet seems to be peripheral neuropathy,ideopathic bu definetely caused by the surgery.We are doing extensive bloods at the moment to try and find some sort of deficiency.
This is nerve damage but the cause is still unknown.If it wasnt for the pain in my hands and feet at night I would not have been so franctic to find the cause but I qm suffering quite a bit.I am smoke free and my weight is between 158 and 163 but I am not really gaining or losing anymore.I would like to weight 154 but I am quite thin even at 160 so I am happy.
Well,I will post test results next week.Please pray for me as this is so scary.I feel if I have tight gloves on my hands and arms and my legs up to my knees as well.I know it is not life threatening but boy it drives you crazy as your arms and legs feel like they are asleep,just waking up.....lol.
Anyhoo,I am doing ok.Had a crazy crazy year and thank goodness I am thin.This made it possible for me to really cope with all that has happened and all the travelling I have had to do this year.
God is good,all the time!
xxo
