Was reading other blogs today and it got me thinking. I have said many times that I was addicted to food, but not until today have I realized that I am a food addict. Been banded 16 days now and it has made me very aware of everything I put in my mouth. If addictive personalities run in families, then I can see that I am an addict. My father was an alcoholic as was my older brother. Second brother was addicted to perscription narcotics. I used to pride myself that I did neither of those. But now I see that I was not immune. I can sit here and blame it on my childhood traumas ( do not wish to go into those here) but it comes down to personal responsibilities. No one forced me to become this obese. I want and I need to lose this weight, as much as I can, be it 60 lbs or 160lbs. I know I need to get support everyday for my journey. I don't think very many people read these blogs so I don't expect much in the way of responses. I just want to write down my feelings, my goals,and my successes or failures in order to continue on. Maybe I can read my entries in a few months and see I am getting better.
Well, it's been two weeks since I was banded. The last five days have been good, even though I have fudged a little. My sca,es say I've even lost a pound or two. But now hubby is home. I feel like everything is now in s state of disrepair since his arrival. I know this is not his intention. I am sure it is my problem. But he asks me what I have eaten, when I last ate, why I am not eating more, etc. His questions, his messiness, the disruption seems to make me just want to eat, eat, eat. I have got to find a way to cope with my feelings. I don't want to become a grouch but I feel it coming. I know he doesn't mean to make me feel this way and it really never bothered me before. Now I feel so obsessed with what I eat, what I can't eat, when I can eat, when I can't eat, that having to deal with someone else in the house seems stressful. Did not realize it until I was by myself for 6 days. I don't want him to leave. I have missed him. Maybe just talking here will help. Does anyone else ever feel obsessed over food?
Nine days since being banded. When I write it down, it make me realize how short a time it has been. I feel great.Finally had a good BM, and according to my father, that should make you feel really better. Diet going OK. Had cantalope and cottage cheese for breakfast and five pieces of BBQ flavored Chicken chunks for lunch 4hrs later. Also had some Chocolat pudding about 2hrs ago. OK! OK! So it wasn't sugar-free. I promise to do better. Hubby has gone to help daughter with her house reconstruction. Will probably be up there thru Friday, so I plan to be good. Having a hard time with Head hunger Vs real hunger. Maybe I'll get motivated and start a project to get my mind on other things. Will write more later.
Well, I survived my first fill. Now have 3.5cc inmy band. Seems like such a small amount. I am to be on full liquids for 24 hours then back to regular. Feeling sorry for myself because I am hungry now. Guess I'll just have to grina and bear it. It didn't hurt but my port site is now burning a little. I know that will improve too. Have not lost anything since I weighed at doctor's office 1 week post-op. I am disappointed. But truth is, I have not exercised. I have dramatically reduced my eating, I know. But I guess I have not cut the calories down enough. I want this so bad. I want it to magically happen. But I know it's not. I keep giving myself a pep talk, but it has not stuck yet. Confessions of a food addict. As with any addiction, I must take it one day at a time.
I am home now. Got home yesterday and the house is still standing. I stepped on my scales and I have gained 3 lbs. I thought I had done better than that. I figured I had at least maintained at her house. Weigh in Wednesday is not gonna be good. It was really depressing for me to see the scale. I found myself searching for something to eat. I found the bag of cheese puff and kinda pigged out on them. Afterward the guilt set in. What a vicious circle this is. Will I ever defeat it. Right now I don't feel confidant. all I can do is try again.
Today has been a good day. not only did I beat my daughter in Scrabble twice ( as well as the two times last night and the three times night before last), I went to the movies and did not a tub of buttered popcorn and large soda. I snuck a bottle of water in and just had part of that. It worked out well. Then we spent 2 hours in a traffic jam trying to get home. We finally got to Full Moon BarBQue and I got the half chicken. That gives me chicken for tonight and for breakfast in the morning. I did cheat though. I had fried onion rings too and I ate 2/3 of them. I also had some ice cream last night. I am doing better but not good enough. And I know it. Food addicts. It is hard.
Am at daughter's house today. Her surgery went well and she is doing much, much better than I thought she would be. That is a very good thing. I feel I have been a help.I plan to stay until Friday or Saturday, if hubby doen't self-destruct before then. I made what my daughter calls Paleo jambolya last night, with her help of course. Didn't care for the sausage part but really liked the chicken, shrimp, and broth part. It was served over califlower "rice" that was actually very good. Don't think hubby would like the "rice" but may try the jambolya on him. I'm afraid I'm a little bored here. It's not my house so I'm trying to not step on her toes and do something to make her uncomfortable. Am getting more exercise here cause I have to actually walk her dog and i can't sit any when i cook . That is a real challenge because it hurts so much. My knees and my back kill me. But she needs me and I want to be here, so I am going to do it. Have to call hubby 4-5 times a day. He whines a lot but he is doing ok. I don't know what the big deal is. You would think he had never been alone. He calls and tells me what he ate and I tell him how much medication to take.have to admit house stays cleaner when he is not here, too.I don't think I'm eating too much here. I don't think I'm eating exactly right. but not too bad either. Guess time will tell. Go for second fill next Wednesday. I hope that will help with my hunger.. Will write more later.
Fixed homemade chili for supper tonight. I know it's hot outside, but hubby loves it. I thought it was a little spicy, but he said it was good. Of course, it cou taste like s--- and he would say it's good. I've only had a few dishes that he has not eaten. After 41 years, I can tell when he doesn't like something. Have not been very good today. I am probably over my calorie limit. I had my usual chicken nuggets for breakfast. That's okay. but then I've had two servings of Cheese Puffs, a few peanuts, a cookie, 4 Ritz crackers, and about 1 cup of chili. I know that's more than I'm supposed to have. I am such a junkie. The food just calls to me. I know that sounds atrange. No! I'm not crazy. I just can't seem to resist. I tell myself no but then I eat anyway. It is much less than I used to eat. And I know I don't like the way I feel when I'm too full,but I do it anyway. The only good thing that has happened in last few days is that at least I'm not constipated. I also have not walked on treadmill today. I did clean out the freezer and throw away a bunch of freezer-burned food. At least that was constructive. I am looking forward to going to daughter's house next week even though I know she will be hurting and probably be bitchy. I guess I would be too if I were her. She will keep me more focused. Made appointment for next fill (Aug 3). Looking forward to it as I hope it will give me restriction and help me stay on the straight and narrow.
I'm now at the 1 month mark. Been an interesting day. I am drinking Benefiber every day, but i realized yesterday that I had not had a BM in several days. So yesterday I took a laxative. It didn't work. So today I took the laxative again along with Benefiber. I had been told before this that I could take a stool softener if I first dissolved it in hot water. So I put two in some hot waster, dissolved them and drank it down. BIG MISTAKE! It was horrible. It burned the back of my throat for the longest time. I even ate some cottage cheese to see if I could make it better. It took quite a while for my throat to feel better. Long story short, something finally worked. But I think that it should have worked better. I may have to give in and get some Milk of Magnesia. If I can drink the melted pills, I can get MOM down. Food wise, I'm doing fair to good. I ate too much for dinner and I'm paying for it. The burping is ridiculous. And each burp feels like I should be throwing up. I am such an addict/food hog that I often have a hard time stopping eating. Sometimes I wait until no one is watching and eat more. Tis what I did tonight and I am paying for it. You'd think I'd learn. If I were the type that could throw up on cue I'd do it, even though I have never liked to do that. I go for my first fill Tuesday. I don't think I've lost any weight. Pretty sure I haven't. Know I'm gonna get fussed at and I deserve it. If I don't get a better grip on myself, I'll never lose this weight. I will write more after the fill. Hope it doesn't hurt.
Today has been a day of firsts. To start with, I actually walked on the treadmill this afternoon. I won't lie. It made my knees and my back hurt. I only made 1/2 mile at a speed of 1.7 mph, but it's a start. I'm gonna try to walk every day. If all I can do is 1/2 mile to start, so be it. Maybe I can try walking twice a day. Go to daughter's house next weekend, so i guess I'll have to walk outside at her house. The heat will limit how much I walk there. The second thing I tried is spaghetti squash with spaghetti sauce on it. It was a lot like eating pasta, just a little sweeter. Made me wonder what spaghetti sauce and cheese ( you know, like macaroni and cheese) would taste like. I got some left over cooked squash so I think I may check it out tomorrow. The last thing is I took some Miralax tonight. I have got to find the secret to this constipation thing. I'm tired of going to the bathroom with the urge and only passing gas. I burp like I'm drinking beer at the bar and I fart like a mule eating hay. Laugh as you may, I'm afraid I'm going to do either one at the most in-opportune time possible. I hope the walking will help this too. I wonder if Beano would help . I'm trying to eat slowwwww and chew extra well to see if that will help with the belching. If anyone reads this and has any suggestions, feel free to give them.
Went to group meeting tonight. I enjoyed it even though it was mainly a rah-rah meeting. They all are. We are supposed to be doing this "Back On Track" program but all the meetings so far have been the same. I still go. I need the rah-rah. I take notes and listen intently. What I get out of them is this: the lapband takes commitment, conviction, and diligence. The odds are that we will all slip with our diets within the first 6-9months. The test will be if we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and start all over again. A 12 step program teaches you one day at a time. I think this is true for Bandsters. Food is a drug for me. It gives me comfort. I crave certain foods. I feel like my body need them. These cravings are better but I still have them. The hunger thing is getting better too. I have to be very careful or I'll over eat. then I pay for it by feeling miserable. My brother had LapBand procedure 1 week before me and he is having a completely different experience than me. He's a little weird any way. Correction. He's a lot weird. So far everything he has told me he can't eat, I have at least tried with no problems. He can't eat shrimp. I can but don't really like the taste/texture once I've chew, chew, chewed it. I've eaten fried chicken, too. Just chewed it extra well and didn't eat the skin.Gonna try spaghetti squash tomorrow night with some spaghetti sauce. Daughter says it's good. Maybe it will help the pasta craving. Well, that's ablut all for now. Will write more later.
Well, made it back from B'ham without problems. I did cheat though. Hubby and I went to CheeseCake Factory for supper Saturday night. I did well for supper. I only ate a piece of steak, rwo onion rings,and 4-5 french fries. My downfall was the chocolate brownie cheese cake I ate for dessert. I ate half of it Sautrday night and the other half Sunday night. Sunday night was bad. I am going to remember how bad I felt after eating the cheesecake that night. Being in the car driving home Sunday I did not drink enough fluids and I am trying to make up for it today. I can tell when I have pushed my eating limit. The burping becomes ridiculous and the flatulence that comes later is also bad. I would like to promise that I will be good eating wise, but I know I can't. I know that I will slip again. It is the nature of an addict, which I am a food addict. But I am going to be extra aware of what I do and eat. Am going back to B'ham in two weeks to care for daughter after she has procedure done. I hope hubby will stay home. Since daughter does Paleo diet, I think it will be easier to stay on a good diet at her house. If he's not there, I will cook better. Will write again later .
Happy New Year (she says sarcastically). What can I say. Weighed in at Curves yesterday and had actually gained a pound since last weigh in. And instead of losing some inches, I actually had gained some inches. WTF!!!! I know I didn't go work out during the week between Christmas and New Year's, and that I had cheated. But I didn't think it was that bad. Hubby is getting on my nerves and that makes me turn to food, mainly M&M's and Cheetoes. His complaints about his health are getting to me. All last week he said he could barely walk. The grandchildren were here for New Year's and he stayed in his den/smoking room 90% of the time. Then the very day they went home he took his truck, picked up his fishing buddy and stayed gone for 3 hours, buying a battery for the truck and getting it washed. Tuesday I got him to go see a Chiropractor for his "back pain". Now after three visits he is sure that the adjustments have caused him to bleed internally and made his hernias worse. He is even telling me what his stools look like. I get so tired of listening to his complaints. I never know when to take it as serious signs or to just ignore him. Am going to daughter's house Sunday for a couple of days, to baby sit the grand dog. Will be back Tuesday. He's not going. The break will do me good even though I know I will have to check in with him several times a day. Started Curves Smart today. Having the machines make me give it my all will make me do better, I hope. If that is so, then maybe I'll pay some more and do the Curves Complete and try their diet plan. Mainly I just want to get out of this "funk" I am in am get on with my life, instead of feeling like I want to cry and sneak food.
Ireally have no place else to talk. I really don't want to talk to my family. I have tried half way to tell them but they are so wrapped up in their own lives that they don't hear. This past year has been hard. I have not had any kind of follow up or fill since June of 2012. First of 2012 my husband was sure he was gonna die. He had two huge abdominal hernias and was convinced that either they or the surgery to repair them would kill him. He did not want me out of his sight. I did not leave the house much because he wanted to know where I was in case he needed me. He would go to the shooting range once or twice with a friend but he wanted me close to the phone if he called. Talked him into the surgery the end of May. It went great. He was up and walking the same day and home the next. Except for him being an ass because of nicotine withdrawal it was a good thing. By August he was feeling really well. The thing is he had gotten so used to be being always available, he continued to want to know my every move. In the mean time, my lack of interaction with people, I believe has increased my depression. I am not very active. I know the band is restricting how much I eat, but I am not doing well with what I eat. Add to the fact that this past year I have been plagued with breaking teeth and abcesses to the point that I have lost all my upper jaw teeth. I just got my upper partial about 2 weeks ago. After being several months with our chewing ability, I am having to learn to eat food that I can chew instead of slider foods. Then husband had a bad fall that almost killed him. I felt bad for him at first. He had both wrist injured and one knee but the worst was he had a facial fracture and a brain bleed. He almost had to have surgery to stop the brain bleed but it stoped with medical treatment. He was in the hospital for 4 days. Again he became quite an ass with out his cigarettes. He also has a problem with urinary frequency and he can' t pee into a urinal. He had several "accidents" if you know what I mean and he was very hard to handle in the hospital. That was just before Thanksgiving. My son, his wife and the two kids age 5 and 7 were at the house for several days right after I brought him home. I love my granddaughters but they can destroy a house in very short order and I am afraid to rant about it for fear of getting on my DIL's bad side. Long history there. Huband's behavior has been even more difficulty since the fall. Or maybe I.m just becoming more......I don't know what I'm becoming. I think he is more rude than ever. He thinks nothing of interrupting what I'm doing but gets upset if I interrupt him. If I go out like to the grocery without him he has to call and check up on me a couple of times while I'm gone. I find myself wishing that he didn't make it after the fall. I sometimes wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. I think about what I could do if he wasn't here. I confess that I have taken a large amount of benadryl as well as my usual bed time medication in hoe I wouldn't wake up. But as you can see it didn't work. Sometimes I feel really angry and others I feel like crying, a lot. I don't because I know husband would ask too many questions. Nobady call me any more except occasionally someone from the church, and tha't only because they want something. I know I need to go in for a fill/followup but everytime I pick up the phone to make appointment I chicken out. I'm lonesome. All I do is sit. And the more I sit the more I hurt when I finally do get up and move. My knees kill me. I have trouble breathing. I sweat like a ***** in church. My back kills me. I used to have pain medication (Lortab), but my husband took it all because he was saving his Percocet for his "bad" days ( has Fibromyalgia and Diabetic neuropathy). I would run away but I have no income. I have my social security but that is not enough to pay health insurance and living expenses. I would also feel guilty that someone else would have to contend with husband. I resent everything around here. I hate to cook. All he wants is meat and potatoes. He feels he must eat three to four times a day and feels that I need to eat with him, at least twice a day. Oh god! I am rambling so. Maybe saying it here will help me. Maybe tomorrow I wil wake up and it will be a little better. I didn't even talk about son losing his job in September and us giving him money to hel with his bills. Or daughter being "in love" and going to sell her house and move across the state to move in with him. At least son found a job, but they must move to another state. so they are going to be 8 hours away instead of 3 1/2. Like I said, maybe tomorrow will be better.
I was banded on Friday. This is Sunday. I was prepared to be unconfortable, but not hurt like this. The port site really hurts. It is better today, but still hurts. I feel hungry but have no interest in food, you know broth, pudding, and the like. Having a lot of gas, belching.a lot, and that's not real comfortable. I know it's going to get better because it is better than yeaterday. going to try to get by with minimal pain med today. Have to admit that I am having some "Just what have I done" moments lately. Think this will get better when I can sleep more comfortably. Any feedback will be greatly appreciated.
Well, happy Leap Day everybody. I thought I would feel better today, but I don't really. Daughter called and so much as said it is all my fault that her cellphone bill was $20 higher than she thought it would be and that don't expect her to be calling that much any more unless it was to my cellphone. It is not me who calls. It's her dad. And all she has to do is quickly remind him to call on his cellphone. Besides he already gave her a tank of gas and $200 extra this month. It's always something with her. Next thing on my list is hubby. He drives me insane. I just want to go back to bed and pull the covers over my head. I have written before about his health issues and his spending. A couple of months ago he bought a small aluminum fishing boat for $2500. I thought, "Oh,great! Something else that will sit in the garage unused." When I saw it I was mad. It looks like shyt and I told him he got took. "Oh, no." he says. "I got a good deal. It's perfect. It already has a trolling motor and that's all it needs." Well guess what? That perfect boat just had to have a small outboard and we just had to drive 2 hours up and two hours back to buy one. $2000 later he has a new motor for a fishing boat that hasn't been out of the garage in 2 months. Then to top it off, a buyer for the Ranger bassboat appeared. Hubby has talked about how, since it has not been in the water in almost a year and the fact that he can't handle it alone, it would be a good idea to sell it and use that montly payment to payoff credit cards. Well, he sold it but we had to come up with another $2000 to pay it off. This is not leaving much in savings. On top of that, the very same day he sells the boat, his buddy from the boat sales place calls him with "a great deal that just came in". Hubby gets all excited and tells me he just may have to go see it cause it would only be about $10,500 and we could get the money from our home equity line and not even have an increase in our payment. Of course, we don't even owe the equity line anything and it was opened just for the care of the house. I feel cheated. There are so many things I would like to have and they do not include a boat. I find myself wishing he would just go away. I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I only have here to vent because no one here really knows me. I find that I don't really care about my diet or my eating. My band raises it head every once in a while and lets me know it's still there, but I am not using it as a tool like I'm supposed to. Started back to Curves yesterday and am going to try to go there at least three times a week. Got some extreme baking to do next week and the week after so at least I will have an actvity to occupy my thoughts. All for now.
Well here I am. Another Saturday night and I haven't even gotten dressed today. Not sick, just lazy. Couldn't figure out a reason to bother getting dressed. Have not made an entry in a month. Not much has happened except I did get to see my sister for the first time in about 3 years and I know it may be at least that long before I see her again. She lives in China, you see. Doing what I'm not quite sure, but she seems happy. The way my life goes, who knows if I will ever see her again. Also stayed at son's house for the first time in 4 years and the visit went well. DIL got a little snockered, but at least everything was cool. Hubby is the same. Still complaining about his hernias, but even more so. I still hear it so often, I find myself tuning him out. I know the time is nearing when he will have to give in and have the surgery. I dread that day. He is a pain when he is sick and I know that the surgery is going to be difficult. So the recovery is going to be long and difficult, Double difficult cause he is such a drama king. And he has not given up the cigarettes, so I know that will be a problem. As long as he remembers that I have committed to doing two wedding cakes in March. As far as the diet goes, I have not been good. I have been cheating with M&M's. A lot of M&M's. They are like an addiction. Like crack. I'm sneaking around eating them so hubby won't find out. I sneak bags in in my purse to refill the bag on the shelf so he won't know. Have not been good at my Curves attendance either. Am having a hard time getting motivated to even leave the house. Gotta get my mind back in order. I know that my going to Curves not only makes me exercise, it gets me away from him for a while. That should be enough motivation right there. Well, that's enough for now. Will update later.
Don't know what's going on with my band. Went to supper with hubby this past Saturday night and ate very well. I finished all my meat and most of the onion rings and a small salad. Had no problems. Was thinking that I wished that my practioner had put in more fluid like I asked her to at my last fill. Went to Longhorn's with hubby tonight. Had 3 mushrooms, 3 bites of salad, 1/2 of a small lobster tail, and about 1/3 of a small filet and the rumble started. It felt like a volcano about to erupt. Made it out to the parking lot and had to puke a little. All I sould think of was "well,what a waste of an expensive meal". In all fairness, the meat was a little dry and this is the second time lobster has given me trouble. Shame too. I have had a love affair with lobster for a long time. Guess those day are over. Only trouble now is that it has only been 3 hours and I'm hungry again. Do I want to eat or have a protien shake or just try to weather it out. The more I think about it the more I want that sweet potatoe I brought home from the restaurant. It has been 6 months. I keep thinking it will get easiet but it hasn't. Do I need to get more in my band,or is that just going to make me get stuck more. I wish I had a magic wand and could just be skinny and be able to eat anything I want.
Had my second fill on Wednesday. Now have 5.5cc in 14 cc band. doc this will be the last time I get a 2cc fill at one time. I feel more restriction this time. Bad part is the burping has gone back to being terrible. Yesterday was hubby's birthday and we went out to eat. I ate 4 small bites of salad and 10 shrimp. Brought the potaote and Hush puppies home, along with 3 shrimp. I have to admit that I was bad tonight. I ate the shrimp and the potatoe with my piece of steak. I gave the hush puppies to hubby.
I was starving. I had breakfast (7 chicken nuggets) at 11 am and only some peanuts until we ate supper at 7:15pm. I think I should start eating something about every 5 hrs and see if that keeps the starving feeling from happening. I have nothing in the house to "graze" on and that's a good thing. If it's not here, I can't eat it. I have to go to the grocery tomorrow and get more chicken. Gonna have to keep myself in check and stay out of the snack aisles. Lord give me strength.
Why am Iso obcessed with food? I think that I wake up thinking about when I can eat and what I can eat. While I'm eating I think about when I can eat again and what I can have. Inbetween, I'm thinking about what to drink and how much I have left to drink for the day. It has been two months since I was banded.You would think it would be better by now. I get a second fill tomorrow and I know I am going to be chastized for not doing better .My clothes fit better and I seem to have more energy, but I am just so obcessed with food. Motivation seems to be a problem too. And the more my family talks about my "diet", the less control I seem to have. What is the matter withme? Am I ever going to get myself in check? I feel like a whiney brat writing this.
I'm not doing well with this. I have not lost any since my second fill on the 3rd. I find myself sneaking food so my hubby won't see. I am so full sometime it hurts and yet I still seek something to eat. I am such an addict. I am so ashamed. I am reverting back to old habits of sleeping a lot and not leaving the house for days. The girls were here this weekend and I did not eat right or drink right. Why can't I do the things I am supposed to do? Have tried to get support on the chat line, but I can't bring myself to tell what I have been doing or how I feel. How do I tell someone I feel like such a failure. I do have more energy, but I choose to ignore it. I don't want to leave the house for two reasons: 1) I really don't want anyone to see me and 2) I don't want to explain where I'm going to hubby. He is still somewhat supportive but he is also getting critical. And with his size and health problems, that is like the pot calling the kettle black. His short term memory is getting worse and I have to remind him of things constantly. I thought my depression was getting better,but apparently it's not. I would say that I don't know what to do but I do. I need to suck it up and get my mind back in order. But that is easier said than done. If anyone has suggesti9ons< I'm open.
