how private is too private?

[lotsabirds 0]

I agree with everyone. TELL HIM and educate him. If you want your life to include your husband, include him in this part of your life.

[elcee 3,340]

I cannot imagine not telling my husband. In fact he is the only person that knows that I have had the surgery. You need him for support plus if you have problems how are you going to hide it. e.g a PB or stuck episode?

As everyone else has already said there are some issues that you need to sort out. Ultimately it is your body and you can go ahead and have the surgery but if you don't tell him and he finds out later I believe it could destroy your relationship.

[JaffreyChick 1]

Amen girlfriend. I have sworn my sibs to secrecy. No one will ever, ever tell my mother. She just won't get it. She does not believe in having "unnecessary" surgery.

[Sooverit! 1]

Kitkat - husbands may surprise you. I completely thought my husband would freak ! It took years of him seeing the ads for this web sit left on the computer for him to know I wasn't going to let this go. My husband needs to be gotten used to an idea in stages. He HATES change but once he knows it's inevitable he goes with it. He was my biggest supporter. I still don't know how I feel about telling my 12 year old daughter.

All the best to you..

[FailureIsntAnOption 0]

Kitkat - husbands may surprise you. I completely thought my husband would freak ! It took years of him seeing the ads for this web sit left on the computer for him to know I wasn't going to let this go. My husband needs to be gotten used to an idea in stages. He HATES change but once he knows it's inevitable he goes with it. He was my biggest supporter. I still don't know how I feel about telling my 12 year old daughter.

All the best to you..

I'm sure your daughter will be proud of her mother for having the courage to change her life.:wink2:

[samanthazzz 0]

First off I want to wish you good luck with the surgery. Your attitude and support system is key to success.

First off, I haven't read anywhere that ones spouse has to be your key support person. Count yourself lucky that your daughter is there for you. In an ideal world, our partners should be our biggest supporters. For some, that is not the case and I don't feel you should be persecuted because it appears your hubby isn't the man you would like him to be.

The reasons why don't matter, it is what it is. If you feel you don't want to tell him or feel he won't be cool with it, it's your decision. But tell someone. You'll need their support down the road.

My hubby was not supportive of the surgery. If anything , he was rabidly against it. He is not fond of surgeries in general. He "passed out" after my C-section and was asleep in my hospital bed, 10 minutes after we got to my room from "the stress". Yes ladies, that is laughable since I was the one who had the c-section and was in pain. Apparently, I am the stronger person. Who knew he would be so scared and squeamish when I married him? What's a girl to do? Divorce him because that's not he respnse I wanted or expected?

I went to the seminar, got all my testing done and then told him the date of my surgery. He was worried I could die on the table(I wasn't). My Dr never had anyone die from this surgery, so no worries if your reading this. He squawked and ranted and worried, and I stood fast. This is my life, my choice and ultimately, my decision.

He did try and discourage me up until the day of surgery. If I let all his fears, etc influence me I would never had the surgery and that would make me forever wondering what could have been.

On a plus note, he has been terrific and supportive since the surgery. He buys me special foods, encourages me to walk (he even walks with me). Tells me to go shopping for new clothes (as the wt comes off). He still thinks I could have done it on my own, without surgery. But that is his baggage to carry, not mine.

Much good luck with your wt loss journey and whether your hubby is in on your decision or not, remember it will be so worth it.

Edited August 7, 2009 by samanthazzz

[scotth24 0]

I think you've definitely got to tell him. There's so much to understand and go through that he'll find out anyway. I would be upset if my wife didn't tell me of the type of surgery she was going to have.

Besides, how would explain PBs or sliming or only being able to eat have liquids for a month.

Do yourself a favor and tell him...even if things aren't great between the two of you right now.

[Sooverit! 1]

Thank you so much for that Failure isn't an option ! it gives me a new perspective.

Best to you LB friend,

m

[Sooverit! 1]

I'm amazed by the way at how many people I did tell...mainly professionals and people I dont know well...who have no idea what it is and it's too long to explain it is someone hasn't a clue as to what it is. they just won't understand! You've got support already. You Dh will see you losing weight and not eating as much and may think you are sick if you don't tell him. It's just going to be easier on YOU than covering it up. You don't need any stress this is a major life change and in my opinion a pretty major operation.

Do what you feel is the best wehn you are in a good mood and relaxed. Make sure he's in a good mood when you tell him.!

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

I guess I'm just old fashioned where I believe when you get MARRIED it's no longer all about me, me, me.

May also be why I've been married to the same man for 14 years now. I was 21 and he was 31 when we married. Might be too the reason I know I'll never (that's right I said NEVER) get a Divorce.

I also feel the same for people who have had children. But that isn't the discussion at hand.

You become a team and a partnership when you get MARRIED. My husband and I have an awesome relationship and we discuss and air out anything and everything each of us as individuals may need to. We work it out as a team. We are sensitive to each other's needs and wants. MARRIAGE is a two way street.

It's just my opinion that that thought doesn't come through much these days. Maybe I'm wrong?

Whatever, it doesn't matter to me personally. It's all good.

Edited August 7, 2009 by LilMissDiva

[RestlessMonkey 7]

I say you know your husband and situation best, but sometimes things cloud our better judgement.

If he really doesn't care about you, why would he FREAK at the knowledge that you are having the surgery? You need to clarify that in your mind.

What I suggest; flip it. How would you feel if he took such a step and didn't tell you? Would you feel betrayed? shoved to the side? ticked that he spent the money, risked his life and didn't tell you? Would you give a rat's ass one way or the other?

You need to treat him the way YOU would like to be treated. Take the high road. You may or may not end up with him; I don't know your relationship/situation/life status. I just know that if you wouldn't mind or care if the tables were turned, then proceed. Otherwise, bite the bullet and tell him. You want respect and to be noticed; you need to give that out.

[samanthazzz 0]

Geez louise, if KitKat had an Awesome relationship with her hubby, she wouldn't have written this post.

Obviously, things are not Kosher there. Count yourself lucky to have a supportive hubby.

She needs a lecture, like a hole in the head!

IF it was an ideal world, we wouldn't be fat either!

Good luck KitKat with everything :scared2:

[samanthazzz 0]

PS-great post Restless Monkey..well said!

[Carrie_C 9]

He was worried I could die on the table(I wasn't). My Dr never had anyone die from this surgery, so no worries if your reading this. He squawked and ranted and worried, and I stood fast. This is my life, my choice and ultimately, my decision.

He did try and discourage me up until the day of surgery. If I let all his fears, etc influence me I would never had the surgery and that would make me forever wondering what could have been.

On a plus note, he has been terrific and supportive since the surgery. He buys me special foods, encourages me to walk (he even walks with me). Tells me to go shopping for new clothes (as the wt comes off). He still thinks I could have done it on my own, without surgery. But that is his baggage to carry, not mine.

My husband was the same way. He didn't want me to do it either, but I knew I had to do it for myself. He tells me too that I could have done it without surgery. It used to make me mad that he felt that way, but I just ignore him now because I know he doesn't have a clue what it's like to be obese.

[meikobobo 0]

KitKat I havent told my husband either, but thats because I havent told anyone. I think it is a bit dangerous (I keep a card in my wallet in case of accidents) however I just couldnt cope with others negativity and the "here she goes again" I needed to stay as positive as I could to stay with the "programme".

I told hubby that I had gall bladder and thats why I needed to eat carefully at first. If all goes well I will tell him (not anyone else because I dont think its their business) at the end of the first year (six months into it)

Husband has not said anything at all other than remark that I dont seem to be able to eat as much as i used to prior gall bladder. Any pbs I put down to intolerence to the fat and or food. So far it has worked well. I just want to work this out for myself before I share with aanyone. My weight issues have always been a very sensitive a private thing for me and until I know this will work I dont want to share with ANYONE except those who understand like fellow bandsters or people with serious weight issues likeme... not those one or two kilos overweight.. but those who have been huge all their lives and suffered accordingly