1 Year Anniversay - I'm such a failure.

[mrsgriffin2u 1]

I actually went in for a fill in January and they filled me so tight that as soon as I got in my car (had no Water or anything) I couldn't stop throwing up my own saliva. They were having issues filling me (stuck me over 50 times) so we did it at a different doctor's office under fluro. My surgeon had already left to go back to his office, so I drove their immediately. When I got there, they couldn't unfill me after another 50 sticks. Then, we went back under fluro to find out that my port had flipped and was completely detached. We went in immediately to the hospital for emergency surgery so they could unfill me and do the port revision. They had to give me medicine to stop all secretions in my body, just so I could lay down to be put under for the surgery (I couldn't stop throwing up long enough to lay down). Now... it's been 5 months and I haven't had another fill - just too scared.

I feel like such a failure. I've lost approximately 65 lbs. since my surgery last July. I've maintained my weight - lost maybe 5 lbs since being unfilled in January.

I've made poor food decisions, but still have some problems eating - probably 90% my own fault. I can't decide whether I need another fill or not, because my mind keeps playing tricks on me.

Has anyone dealt with anything similar? Any supportive words would be incredibly helpful. Thanks!

[jslone 0]

Amanda,

I am only assuming that your fill in January was not your first one. Had they been ok until then? You have gone through too much and done too well to give up. Please call your surgeon and tell him about your fears. Sending well wishes and prayers your way!

[mrsgriffin2u 1]

Well... I had three fills prior. For my fill in November, it took two surgeons to stick me about 25 times before they could hit the port successfully. Although I was numb, I was quite sore for days after.

I guess my problem right now is, I still PB about once a month. This is only when my husband and I are out with friends/family and I feel rushed. My husband is a really slow eater, so we eat well together. :smile2:

I can now eat more food, not as much as a typical person, but I have started getting hungry faster. I can't eat until about 1 or 2pm because I'm simply too tight in the morning. Again, I know I'm making poor food choices and for that I am ashamed. I blame that on no one but myself. This, I know, is because I am so deeply saddened that I have failed at yet another thing...

I haven't really been so emotional until I realized that's it's been a year and I feel like everyone is watching and waiting for me to fail. :eek:

[poppet 0]

Amanda-

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I was only banded this week, and so I am a full year behind you. I will be praying for you, and please know that you are not a failure. We all make bad choices on occasion. Please know that at least those of us on the blog are not looking for you to fail, but rather are here to cheer you on an encourage you. Please reach out to us, and if you need please private message me.

[soon2befit@yahoo.com 0]

65 lbs is not a failure! You have experienced so much with them accessing your port I would feel the same way however I would contact your doctor and any fill you do have in the future mandate that they do it with the fluro. Stay strong and reach out to your medical support staff. Best of luck.

[comtemplating 0]

You are not a failure. Please do not be so hard on yourself. It is amazing how hard (and downright mean) we can be to ourselves- you would never call anyone else a failure!!!!! Surely you know that namecalling isn't a motivator:smile:. I completely understand why you would be afraid to get another fill. I wish you only the best and try and focus on yourself rather than what other people might be thinking- or that you think others are thinking but likely are not!!!! Take care. I have heard several stories of people having trouble as you have and being so fear stricken they stop following up with their dr. and time just keeps passing. Please follow up so that you can continue to utilize this tool that you have be given to help you reach your goals. Ya know what- the whole one year milestone is significant but I've never seen it in writing that the one year is the end all/be all- you can continue to work towards your goal and Celebrate your 18 month bandiversary or your 2 year bandiversary just the same!!!!

Edited July 4, 2009 by comtemplating

[elcee 3,343]

If I had an experience like that I would be looking for a new Dr. I wouldn't let someone that takes 50 attempts to get something right work on me. In fact i wouldn't even let them near my animals!

And you are not a failure.

[Jachut 487]

Firstly, 65lb in a year is not failing! Where do people get this idea that WLS magically makes your body lose 200lb in 3 months? 65lb a year is MORE than a pound a week which is well within the average figures that you read absolutely everywhere. You've done great.

Secondly, if you're unable to eat till 1 or 2 pm, you most probably do NOT need a fill - I'd be unfilling if I couldnt eat at all till that time of day. All that achieves is to set you up to be entirely depleted and unable to stop eating or make good choices when you finally open up enough to let solid food in. Breakfast is THE most important meal of the day!!! Skimp on it, choose poor foods and you are a thousand times more likely to eat badly later on. food choices are down to us, its hard, it really sucks that there's no magic pill to end all our weight woes, but we simply absolutely have to make good choices and exercise.

And thirdly, if you have a doctor who's silly enough to overfill you THAT much and flip your port in the process then I'd be finding another one. Anyone can end up overfilled, it happens, our bodies take time to feel the restriction, you can be fine in the surgery and then in trouble by that night etc. But to get back in your car unable to even swallow saliva that quickly, thats way too big and aggressive a fill, and your surgeon should have more care, EVEN if you demanded it. That's quite a misjudgement!

[SWANZIE 0]

Never feel like you have failed you have done fantastic up until this point. You are experiencing a minor set back is all.

Its been two years ince I had my surgery and I still haven't reached my goal wieght, I need to lose another 15 pounds and can't seem to do it. But I figuire even if I never lose another ounce I am happier and look better and feel better than before and that is enough for me!

My doctor told my husband once when he was complaining that I wasn't losing, the doctor said "This isn't a race." He was so right. So what ever progress you have made thus far is a sucess! Stick with it.

[mrsgriffin2u 1]

I hate that I sounded like such a downer last night. It was a rough day.

My surgeon told me it is normal to not be able to eat in the morning, that's why most people just have a shake. He said that overnight our organs swell and some people's organs take longer to go down. I have to sip liquids until around 11am - but I don't get up until around 9am. The problem with that is that I am forced to eat later in the day. I also work 2pm-11pm, which means I'm already eating later. This is when I really stopped losing weight. Where I'm confused about needing another fill is later in the day I can eat so much more. I have also recently been able to eat bread and Cereal again, which were things I couldn't eat months ago when I was losing weight. Here's a duh moment - I still don't have to eat them!

The good thing is that I haven't started gaining. It is frustrating because I haven't lost in about 5 months (well, no more than 5 lbs.).

You guys are great. I haven't been on here for awhile and I could kick myself. I don't get much support so any support from my peers truly lifts me up.

[*susan* 1,709]

I am not sure if the reason they had to stick you so many times was because your port was already starting to flip and was difficult to locate, or if there is a specific issue with the doctor. To be honest, I think it may be the doctor. How could he have possibly overfilled you that much when doing it under flouro? He should have seen that Fluid was not passing and it was backing right back up if he was paying attention! That is one of several reasons for doing fills under flouro, to ensure your band is in place and that you get the proper amount of fill. If I were you, I would be seeking out a new doctor.

As for being a failure, no way. None of the problems you have experienced are your fault. And, after what you have been through, who wouldn't be a bit gun shy? What is important is that you find a good doctor with a good support team in place to help you get back on track.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing.