Relationship Question

[1hotchocolate 0]

Hello Folks....Just a relationship question.....How has having weight loss surgery changed the relationship you were or currently in?

[RestlessMonkey 7]

Since I weighed 120 in high school when I met my husband, 170 12 years later when I married him, I don't anticipate any problems. I do expect our free time to be more fun now because as I lose I'll want to travel and do more things like bike riding etc. So it will just be more "fun" but not basically changed; the guy loves me for me. The rest is just window dressing.

[Jachut 487]

Not at all really - long term relationship, 25 years together, 18 married.

I guess though, one thing I worried about was we had friends who divorced after he got really fit and got sick of being with a fat, lazy wife (his words, not mine). I've gotten really fit, and DH though banded now, is still pretty darn lazy (my words!). He talks a lot about running with me but I wont hold my breath. But he has no resentment towards it, thankfully and I have no problem with him not wanting to be involved in my exercise - because its MY time. So it doesnt cause any problems.

[Texgirly 0]

DH is very supportive of of my weight loss (as long as the boobs stay intact.) He has actually changed some of his eating habits and has lost 30 lbs or so along side my 50. He recently started thinking about joining me with my running - but we will see.

As for shared nocturnal activities - things are WAY better. It is amazing how much extra weight affected my sex drive - and how much losing weight has affected it. Bless his heart he loves me no matter what I weigh!!

On another front, DH is the cook in our house and he has found ways to make his cooking more lap-band friendly. I realize I am super blessed.

[najah27 1]

Been married about 4 years and I have less then 4 weeks for surgery. My husband is supportive of weight loss but not so much weight loss surgery. Our relationship changed prior to me pursuing the lap band, and I am sure it will end eventually just because of our personalities. I'm losing weight for my health and my children, and my husband will have a small window of time to either get on board or jump off the pier. LOL. Seriously, we have many discussions on how my attitude may change after surgery. But the reality is, I'm the same person. I dress provacative in a size 22 and I'm sure I'll dress the same way in a 12. I have a high self esteem now and if it got any higher my head would be stuck in the clouds. I know that this type of surgery can have an impact on a relationship but it depends on the individuals, their self perception, their level of communication and security within their relationship. Just my opinion. Good luck!

Edited November 21, 2008 by najah27

[laurigee 545]

17yrs ago when I got married I weighed 135lbs. For 10 of those years I weighed between 200-280. Never once did he say anything about it. He always told me I was beautiful and how much he loved me. When I decided to get the surgery he was supportive and understanding. Now that I am about at goal, I can tell how proud he is of me. Nothing has changed, he still tells me he loves me everyday and that I'm beautiful. I will say that I do enjoy that he brings me home new clothes all the time, and he has better taste than I do. I can honestly say that I found a keeper. Sorry if I sound like I'm bragging, but I adore my hubby.

[MrsFlipFlops 2]

I think the most that changed in our relationship after surgery was really all about me. My hubby has been nothing but supportive. In fact, that day after surgery, I was in a lot of pain and couldn't lay down and couldn't sit up. Within hours, he had gone out and bought and had delivered a comfy recliner that helped the WHOLE week. He's amazing.

But really what changed was me, like I said. I felt that I had all these issues because of my weight, and when they didn't start going away when I was losing weight, I realized some of my issues affected our relationship BEFORE and I need to really deal with them now that I have nothing to blame them on. I know it's cliche, but I think the biggest thing is communication and allowing them to go through this journey with you. My husband isn't obese, so it would be easy to simply say to myself, he doesn't understand. If I go out with friends and come back upset about food, or when I'm missing food, or when I feel fat, or when I feel different... whatever it is, I express how I'm feeling and why and we work through it together. It makes me feel supported, and it makes him feel included. He gets on lapbandtalk to see what other people have to say. He keeps track of what I can eat and what I can't and I keep him updated with that kind of thing.

It's like the Friends episode where Rachel is pregnant and Ross is feeling left out. He brings her her fave sandwich which is tuna and pickles, but it turns out she can't stand pickles anymore due to her pregnancy. Poor Ross didn't know, thought he was being thoughtful. I aim to keep our relationship out of that stage. I keep him updated so he never has to feel out of the loop.

[stevegoad 32]

Well, my wife is very proud of me... and the sex is just getting better. (One day, some of us that are married and deeply heavy might discuss that).

But I am one that "relationship" means more than just sex. The whole thing has taken a wonderful marriage and made it even better.

[kintime 0]

I have no doubt that sugery has changed my relationship with my husband. It's allowed me to see clearer, I suppose. First, I must say that I do love my husband. And through the process of thinking and preparing for surgery he was really supportive. He attended the seminars and was by my bed side. But at some point the truth had to come out. As I started to really analyze my life and I had to be honest with myself and the damage that was done to me by my obesity. I mean to say, my self esteem was in shambles. No one would know talking to me, but late at night when I was alone, I feared being alone for the rest of my life. My husband came to me at a time in my life when I was tired of all the failed relationships. I was worn out by all the great prospects that couldn't go anywhere because I was just the fat girl with a pretty face. No could really be seious about me. And it hurt alot. I came from one rejection after another. I settled on marrying a man that I had little in common with. That is the truth and it eats me up inside. Not only am I the financial provider but there is little going on the the affection part of our relationship. I do not feel appreciated by him. It's just not a healthy arrangement. It was clear in the beginning of our relationship there would be challenges. But who else was willing to marry me? I'm working through these things with support from friends and relying heavily on prayer. There are days I just want to scream. You can't change someone who doesn't want to change and sure can recreate them. This is just a bump on the journey called life. C'est la vie!

[Princess4174 0]

Wow kintime,

all i can say is obviously your a christian (because you stated you rely on prayer) and you know what the bible says about divorce and untder what terms....not being judgmental or trying to make you feel guilty or anything but if i may express my opinion.... This man loved you when you didnt love yourself and thats great.... I too have experienced failed relationships and even a failed marriage because of my insecurities.. And since i have found someone who i believe truly loves me for me and has been very instrumental in the rebuilding of my self-esteem and he constantly encourages and supports my self love and happiness and worth... I am very aware and conscious (?) of how hard it had to be for him in the begining to be with some one with low self esteem issues...so i say all of this to say try really looking at the man your with and communicating to him what your not getting and your needs.... The affection and intimacy can be spiced up...experiment (unless your just not attracted to him anymore). Money is not everything after all god does give us everything we need.... All i can stress is honesty, honesty, honesty! How are you ever going to be happy or get what you want if you dont communicate....god bless!

[1hotchocolate 0]

Thank you guys for responding and letting me know that I am not alone.. I truely believe that we settle in relationships due to not wanting to be Heavy and ALONE... I hope and pray that each and everyone of us finds happiness and security with people we love and who love us. God Bless you all.

[HeatherO 7]

I have no doubt that sugery has changed my relationship with my husband. It's allowed me to see clearer, I suppose. First, I must say that I do love my husband. And through the process of thinking and preparing for surgery he was really supportive. He attended the seminars and was by my bed side. But at some point the truth had to come out. As I started to really analyze my life and I had to be honest with myself and the damage that was done to me by my obesity. I mean to say, my self esteem was in shambles. No one would know talking to me, but late at night when I was alone, I feared being alone for the rest of my life. My husband came to me at a time in my life when I was tired of all the failed relationships. I was worn out by all the great prospects that couldn't go anywhere because I was just the fat girl with a pretty face. No could really be seious about me. And it hurt alot. I came from one rejection after another. I settled on marrying a man that I had little in common with. That is the truth and it eats me up inside. Not only am I the financial provider but there is little going on the the affection part of our relationship. I do not feel appreciated by him. It's just not a healthy arrangement. It was clear in the beginning of our relationship there would be challenges. But who else was willing to marry me? I'm working through these things with support from friends and relying heavily on prayer. There are days I just want to scream. You can't change someone who doesn't want to change and sure can recreate them. This is just a bump on the journey called life. C'est la vie!

I understand where you are coming from. I had been involved in the past in a similar relationship with someone who met the need at the time but did not fulfill my needs. He is a great person still, I can never fault him . . . but he was not the person for me. I settled because I did not think I could do any better and my self esteem was not so good. I realized after the first year or so that I wasn't happy, but I stayed for many years because I had committed to the relationship, and this was a good person who really cared for me - he was just not the right person for me. I felt like the mother in the relationship because I had to take care of everything, it gets tiring not having a partner or true closeness.

I finally bit the bullet and left. At this time, I had decided that I would never settle again for something that did not meet my personal needs.

Shortly thereafter I met the right person for me. He loves me heavy, he loves me thin, he just loves me for me. We were married when I was 190 pounds (I don't like my wedding pictures at all, he loves them). We never run out of things to talk about, our interests are the same, he supports me through everything both emotionally, financially, physically. We are true partners if you understand what I mean.

He even supported me through my decision to be banded, eventhough he was very afraid that it might be too drastic of a choice. He was my personal nurse doling out massages at any time, changing all my bandages, and attending every doctors visit. That is dedication for you, lol.

Every year we are together improves our relationship. Had I never been banded, our relationship would still be solid and happy. However, being banded has definitely impacted our relationship. I have energy now, I am never afraid to get out and do something. We travel so much more now than before. I used to be an inhibited "lights off" kind of girl, but not anymore, lol. Life in general has just gotten more fulfilling and interesting with me being just me, uninhibited by extra pounds and the emotional baggage they cause.

I think the real, true relationship changes that occur with banding just bring everything that already existed under the surface too light.

For many of us, food is an addiction which helps us to avoid faciing certain things in our lives. If you weren't fulfilled before, you feel less so after. If you are with someone for the wrong reasons, it becomes more evident after banding. If you have a solid relationship with a true partner, it is strengthened by you finding your true self.

[LeslieR041906 1]

This is kinda short, well my husband like big women. And he says that when I do reach my goal things wont change, but I feel they will. And that is my biggest fear. He and I have been seperated for over a year now, and we are finally getting back together. Ive lost a lot so far, and so far, he thinks Im sexy, but then again, Im still a big girl. So, what do I do, just take it day by day, and hope that he wont leave to find another? Oh well thats another story.

Kintime. I know what youre going through. I kinda did the same thing. But, to a much deeper level. I settled with my husband cause I thought to myself, who would love me. But, I grew to really love and appreciate him, although we were seperated, due to his anger issues, I still loved him. Anyway, I will write more later when Im not at work and have to go back from break. lol.

[Thegirlnextdoor 0]

Hello Folks....Just a relationship question.....How has having weight loss surgery changed the relationship you were or currently in?

I guess it hasn't changed much but for a while (especially the first week after surgery),my Husband sort of gave me the cold shoulder. He said it had nothing to do with the surgery but I wonder. About a month before I had surgery,he admitted to me that he's afraid I won't be attracted to him anymore when I lose all the weight. He's saying this because he's also overweight. However I convinced him otherwise. I still can't help but wonder ,in the long run if he will have an issue with me losing weight.

He told me the other day that there is no way in hell that he could ever have the surgery. He flat out doesn't want to and I would never try to get him to change his mind .

[luluc 6]

I've gotten really fit, and DH though banded now, is still pretty darn lazy (my words!). He talks a lot about running with me but I wont hold my breath. But he has no resentment towards it, thankfully and I have no problem with him not wanting to be involved in my exercise - because its MY time. So it doesnt cause any problems.

sounds very familiar.

hubby is also banded, yet not dedicated to working out more than once - maybe twice a wk. when we do go together to the gym, it's around his schedule - not mine....so i prefer to go alone at times.

otherwise - relationship is the same as when we got married, maybe a bit closer. we've been together 10yrs, married 8...and in that time put the LBS on. getting banded together was special, sounds odd. but we decided to do this together (as we ate our way up in weight together) and really rely on one another for support....i know when he's stuck, and look at him - like take your time. or when i want to inhale chips & a margarita, .. i get the big eyes, as though i can actually eat all that i have in front of me.

it's all been positive -