My husband does not find me attractive!

nazzy · October 13, 2008

ss about what your husband said.ive been withmy husband married 25 yrs and known him 32,hes known me heavy and skinny even tho thats along time ago i was.hes always loved me no matter and has always tryed to help me with every new diet i tryed.jenny craig worked pretty good but was alot of money plus buying there foods.todays my birthday and nxt monday i get my lap band,i know no matter what i got the best husband ever,hes always tryed his best to help me and love me,so get your weight off them a make your mind up on your husband,i know this much he should never tryed to hurt you.im just glad i have mine,and im sry for what yours said yo you,youll be looking great soon inside and out.

Melolo · October 13, 2008

Oh I TOTALLY agree with you. No part of me thinks it is okay to treat anyone that way..its abusive and wrong. But at the same time, I think it is wrong to say the vows ought to be enough or that someone should be loved no matter how they look or have changed or affected the quality of life, sex or the relationship. Just playing the other side of that coin. Just because we feel bad about being fat doesn't mean we should not be held accountable. Most of the people I have known with an addiction feel terrible for how their addiction has interfered with their lives and the lives of those they love. Feeling bad does not negate responsibility.

I agree with you as well. I feel we should be held accountable...But like I said who's to say that you will be the same person you were when you made those vows and it does say "through sickness and through health till death do us part" I believe things happen to us and sometimes it's out of our control... sometimes it's in our control. I believe when you take steps towards getting help that those people around us should be supportive. Just like a drug addict their loved ones give them support especially if that addict is trying to get help. What if something were to happen to him for example (impotence) should she degrade him make him feel like less of a person or a man. Well I'm sure he wasn't impotent when they said their vows. He can't fulfill her needs. Do she dog him in the ground. Call him a limp noodle. Or does she make him feel like the man she vowed to love and cherish. Does she help him and support him to become that man that she married. I don't know if that's a good example but I hope you know what I'm trying to say.

Edited October 13, 2008 by Melolo

Kat817 · October 13, 2008

Nobody has responded to his drug addiction. And whether or not you like it being illegal, pot is still illegal. So it seems to me that there is more than one issue going on.

As for the comment itself, in all honesty it likely could have been TRUE for many, many of our spouses, or partners. He said he never would have gone out with you if you looked like you do now.....is pretty much what I remember from reading the thread through (I should go back and quote it, but am lazy!!!). Well, I know perfectly well, if I had been at 289 pounds, my husband now would not have ask me out. When I was 120 pounds he DID ask me out! We both had been married and had children, and were very wary of marriage! But.... We fell in love, and had a great life, and then work went to crap, and he ended up moving away for school, and I stayed here to raise my child. Through the years I packed on the weight. When he come back into my life I was 260 pounds. But he already knew me, knew my heart, and we loved one another. So we married, and I gained more weight! Then come the band, and I have lost to my goal, and he is thrilled and supportive. And willing to admit, he loved me, heavy or thinner, BUT he loves my being healthy again, and being able to ride motorcycles with him, and horses, and play softball. So.......if he had not known me before.....would he have been attracted enough to ask me out at 260 pounds? Nope not a question in my mind! Would he have ever said those words to me without us talking about it? Nope.....but here comes the kicker.....he would not have, unless he too had been under the influence of a substance that reduced his capacities.

The pot makes your DH's mental state different than it is when he is sober.

My brother smoked pot for years, and I could ALWAYS tell, because no matter what you said he argued! And he didn't care if his arguement was rude! I would call him on it, and he would say things like he chose to smoke not eat! Same type of crude and rude crap your DH is saying!

I agree that in order to move forward you both will require counseling. But to attempt it for your acceptance of his treatment, or expecting him to change without his giving up his drug of choice (pot) when you give up overdoing your drug of choice (food) is going to be a total waste of time, in my opinion.

Maybe some of his new anger is anger directed at himself---and of course turned on you---for his inability to give it up as easily as he always thought he could....?

Kat

gentylwind · October 13, 2008

I agree with you as well. I feel we should be held accountable...But like I said who's to say that you will be the same person you were when you made those vows and it does say "through sickness and through health till death do us part" I believe things happen to us and sometimes it's out of our control... sometimes it's in our control. I believe when you take steps towards getting help that those people around us should be supportive. Just like a drug addict their loved ones give them support especially if that addict is trying to get help. What if something were to happen to him (like impotence) should she degrade him make him feel like less of a person or a man. Well I'm sure he wasn't impotent when they said their vows. He can't fulfill her needs. Do she dog him in the ground. Call him a limp noodle. Or does she make him feel like the man she vowed to love and cherish. Does she help him and support him to become that man that she married. I don't know if that's a good example but I hope you know what I'm trying to say.

We are absolutely on the same page. I agree with you whole heartedly.

This may belong in a different thread, as I am honestly not even referring the OP at this point as much as the overeating population in general. I just see a lot of people getting righteously angry as a way of keeping from having personal accountability, who seem to feel that kicking oneself and feeling terrible somehow equates to the equivalent of admitting a problem and doing something about it. I am as guilty as the next person obviously or I would not be here and would not be having this surgery. I have noticed that in feeling bad and beating myself up about my eating habits, I actually could in a sense give myself the impression that I was facing it and doing something about it and actually be doing nothing but harming my own self esteem and fueling my own desire to eat more because I feel bad....and then feel bad for eating more and beat myself up and then want to eat more for beating myself up...you get the picture. And then God forbid someone else mention there is a problem, because I am theoretically already aware of it and feel bad enough. Well, yeah, I am aware of it and feeling bad, but not letting that translate into palpable change and action. I used to laugh at myself...I would say "I'd give anything to be thin again!"..and then add the caveat in my head of "Well...except quit eating so much apparently". We all know we can't just quit eating so much and that our eating habits have affected the lives of those around us.

I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. Yes, one would absolutely hope one's spouse would stick around, be supportive and loving and share in the excitement of a life getting healthier. But unlike prostate surgery, which is absolutely unchangable by any action of the man having it, I don't think it should come as a surprise that, like other addictions, if one waits too long to not only admit the problem but get help for it, it is in the meantime slowly eroding the relationship, that there can come a point that its too late and that does not equate to a character flaw or failure to honor vows...the addict ultimately chose not to get well. Nobody can blame the spouse of an alcoholic, drug addict or sex addict for being unable to continue to watch their spouse self destruct nor for emotion dying in the face of that addiction. I don't think it is right to degrade the character of the average person for being unable to stick around and watch a food addiction kill the person they have loved nor to degrade them for being absolutely NOT attracted to the results of a food addiction. Nobody tells the spouse of a drunk that its shallow of them to find them repulsive as they lay in their own vomit or are passed out with a bottle in their hand. That is all I am saying. Should that spouse be ugly, hateful, abusive and rude? No. Absolutely not. But its not wrong of them to be unable to live with it either. And that is frightening for us to face..that our actions against ourselves has not only affected ourselves. That we can indeed be responsible for the destruction of a relationship by our eating habits and we need to face it and get well before it is too late.

The benefit here comes in taking responsibility. If I take responsibility, suddenly I am empowered to do something. If I just hang out, feel bad, bemoan that I can't stop eating bad things and too much and at times when I am not even hungry and I just don't know what to do etc etc etc...I am creating a helpless place for myself in which I have no accountability. Accountability = power. Power to change.

Edited October 13, 2008 by gentylwind

Melolo · October 13, 2008

We are absolutely on the same page. I agree with you whole heartedly.
This may belong in a different thread, as I am honestly not even referring the OP at this point as much as the overeating population in general. I just see a lot of people getting righteously angry as a way of keeping from having personal accountability, who seem to feel that kicking oneself and feeling terrible somehow equates to the equivalent of admitting a problem and doing something about it. I am as guilty as the next person obviously or I would not be here and would not be having this surgery. I have noticed that in feeling bad and beating myself up about my eating habits, I actually could in a sense give myself the impression that I was facing it and doing something about it and actually be doing nothing but harming my own self esteem and fueling my own desire to eat more because I feel bad....and then feel bad for eating more and beat myself up and then want to eat more for beating myself up...you get the picture. And then God forbid someone else mention there is a problem, because I am theoretically already aware of it and feel bad enough. Well, yeah, I am aware of it and feeling bad, but not letting that translate into palpable change and action. I used to laugh at myself...I would say "I'd give anything to be thin again!"..and then add the caveat in my head of "Well...except quit eating so much apparently". We all know we can't just quit eating so much and that our eating habits have affected the lives of those around us.

I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. Yes, one would absolutely hope one's spouse would stick around, be supportive and loving and share in the excitement of a life getting healthier. But unlike prostate surgery, which is absolutely unchangable by any action of the man having it, I don't think it should come as a surprise that, like other addictions, if one waits too long to not only admit the problem but get help for it, it is in the meantime slowly eroding the relationship, that there can come a point that its too late and that does not equate to a character flaw or failure to honor vows...the addict ultimately chose not to get well. Nobody can blame the spouse of an alcoholic, drug addict or sex addict for being unable to continue to watch their spouse self destruct nor for emotion dying in the face of that addiction. I don't think it is right to degrade the character of the average person for being unable to stick around and watch a food addiction kill the person they have loved. That is all I am saying. Should that spouse be ugly, hateful, abusive and rude? No. Absolutely not. But its not wrong of them to be unable to live with it either.

You know what I agree with you... It's funny we're somewhat saying the samething... but from different points of view. But you've made an excellent point.

gentylwind · October 13, 2008

You know what I agree with you... It's funny we're somewhat saying the samething... but from different points of view. But you've made an excellent point.

I was thinking the same thing when I read your post.

noosagirl · October 13, 2008

gentylwind and melolo and everyone else thank you for your wise advice. My husbands personality hasn't changed, he has always had a mean side, he just changed his aim and it was towards me, I was blind. My whole life I have always found it hard to find peoples bad sides until it slaps me in the head and bowls me over. I have allowed myself to change a lot since I have met him. I used to be the life of the party, loud, love having people around and at the moment I am the opposite. I told my husband on the weekend that I am going to be myself again which means I may be loud, have friends around and occasionally may say the wrong thing. According to my husband I say the wrong thing a lot and he hates loud women and gets irritated when friends and family come around. So I set him straight and I am standing my ground. I keep thinking of my favorite quotes.

"You only live once and if you get it right once is enough!"

"You only have one life to live and you can make it chicken shit or chicken salad!"

gentylwind · October 13, 2008

noosagirl, I honestly think you are being abused from the sound of things, and that this guy is going to get worse, not better, as you start to change and improve. Be prepared for it and stick to your guns. You deserve to be who you are and not to have to shrink from the world due to someone who is supposed to be loving you tearing you down.

Best of luck...everyone here wants to see you succeed.

Melolo · October 13, 2008

noosagirl, I honestly think you are being abused from the sound of things, and that this guy is going to get worse, not better, as you start to change and improve. Be prepared for it and stick to your guns. You deserve to be who you are and not to have to shrink from the world due to someone who is supposed to be loving you tearing you down.
Best of luck...everyone here wants to see you succeed.

Once again I agree with you an 100% gentylwind :smile2:

You go Noosagirl! GET YOUR SWAG ON! Serve that chicken salad and don't forget the Low-cal mayo. Girl live your life!