HI all, I've read so much about how the divorce rate goes up after having weight loss surgery, esp within the first 3 years. And with divorce statistics as high as what they are already it makes me wonder. I didn't want to attempt a survey but I am aching to ask those who have been banded for a while if you have experienced this - divorce after being banded & what do you think the reasons were that caused the divorce. OR did the surgery help your relationship with your SO?

I've been banded for 6 months now (wow, time flies!) & in some ways I feel closer to my DH then ever but it hasn't always been so. And those reasons haven't gone away but are lurking in the background still to this day. In no way do I want to divorce & for years I've worked on keeping the issues we have from completely interfering in our lives. Sometimes it seems like so much work.

There was a point about 5 years ago (I've been married for 13 years now) where I lost 50 pounds on WW and was feeling great. I LIKED the attention I was receiving from others & beamed at compliments. I didn't want to recognize the issues I had with my DH, some of them I believe were (are) compatibility issues. I rekindled a misguided affair of the heart with someone I knew in childhood. It was all over the phone & through letters & lasted a short time but it caused my DH much pain.

Needless to say I'm very weary about how I feel about my now shrinking self. It doesn't interest me much when a man tells me that I look good. In fact I shrink from that attention 'cause I look at it in light of my previous experience.

I would like to hear from those of you with first hand experience with issues of the heart resulting from WLS/lap band. Did the surgery cause problems or actually help your relationship? Thanks for sharing your stories.

It amazes me how many of us are having issues right now. I want to leave, but at the same time am really sad about losing what I thought would be the perfect marriage and my best friend. This weekend, my husband asked me why I don't love him anymore. Normally, I just say "I love you". This time, I said, "I am having a hard time forgiving everything you have done." Next thing I know, he has sold his trailer and I find him looking at apartments online.

I am not sure how I feel about all of this. I have so many emotions going on. Which I am sure many of us are dealing with. It is scary to think of leaving someone whom we thought we would be with forever.

It is a very scary thought Susan. I don't know what to do. I can't continue being unhappy, but I am so scared of what that really means to my marriage, family, and life. We have been together for 13 years and before surgery, I guess I was oblivious to things around me. Now, I am so much more self aware. I am not putting up with things the way that I had. How I am starting to feel towards him shows. For years, I was the one putting forth the effort to keep our relationship together. Now, I can't honestly say that I care one way or the other. That is a sad state to be in about the person that you thought you loved.

I am hoping that some redeeming quality of his will come forward to give me reason to stay.

It's his mama.

Sorry, don't mean to make light, I just couldn't help myself. I hope you don't hafta chew my ass too badly.

It amazes me how many of us are having issues right now. I want to leave, but at the same time am really sad about losing what I thought would be the perfect marriage and my best friend. This weekend, my husband asked me why I don't love him anymore. Normally, I just say "I love you". This time, I said, "I am having a hard time forgiving everything you have done." Next thing I know, he has sold his trailer and I find him looking at apartments online.

I am not sure how I feel about all of this. I have so many emotions going on. Which I am sure many of us are dealing with. It is scary to think of leaving someone whom we thought we would be with forever.

Your story breaks my heart, Susan. I'm sure it's cuz I like you so much, but also, it IS hard to give up on the dreams we had when those in our dreams don't meet up to the dreams themselves.

When they've been asses, it IS hard to forgive them! I don't know what they expect, unless they think they can get away with doing crap because we're fat and "lucky" to have them, you know? Just like we may settle, I think they can take advantage as well.

I'm not sure if what your hubby is doing is in preparation for if/when you may kick him out or if he is simply ready to move on himself. Either way, the dream is already gone. Hanging onto the person doesn't make the dream. I know you know this -- and I'm not even saying that that's what you're doing. I don't know you that well. But whether the dream absolutely ends by his moving out or not, the dream is already gone due to mistrust and baggage that has been created in the marriage.

The only thing you can do for yourself is determine whether what you're trying to recreate is the dream, or if you really want to make it work with him. If you don't, then be fair to yourself and end it, because no amount of hoping or wishing will make it what you've already lost -- if it was ever there at all.

It's his mama.

Sorry, don't mean to make light, I just couldn't help myself. I hope you don't hafta chew my ass too badly.

That was so mean, Beth. You were so caring about Susan's plight, but you make jokes about mine. Thanks.

"I'm not sure if what your hubby is doing is in preparation for if/when you may kick him out or if he is simply ready to move on himself."

I just noticed that the assumption is the man has to get out. He obviously thinks so also, or he wouldn't be looking for an apartment??

Beth, thanks for the kinds words. I am just ready to be done. He asked me again the other night what is wrong and I told him I am very unhappy. He hasn't spoken to me since.

Slim, we sound so much alike. I think the only reason I haven't told him I want to end things is because I am so sad about all of this too. I thought it was the perfect marriage and he was the perfect guy. Turns out, that isn't the case. But, after so many years together, it is hard to let go, even though we know that is what is best. Plus, it is scary as hell to think about being on my own again. But, this weekend my daughter will be at her dads and it will just be him and I at home. I think I am going to sit down with him Saturday and tell him I want a trial separation.

Steve, in our case, we are both going to have to move. Neither one of us can afford the house we are in on our own. I have a cousin who is in real estate and have already talked to him. He said if my husband agrees, he would take the house off of our hands for us.

Susan,

I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I know from previous postings that there were issues (his ex not the least of them!), but I had hoped you and your husband would find a way to work through them. However, you MUST do what is right for you whatever that is.

My thoughts are with you at this difficult time.

But, after so many years together, it is hard to let go, even though we know that is what is best. Plus, it is scary as hell to think about being on my own again.

That is exactly how I feel. I know it's for the best to let the relationship go, but at the same time, I can no longer imagine myself without him. I know that my relationship with him doesn't define who I am, but he has been a major part of my adult life.

I hope that you both are able to work out something (whether that be separation or counseling to stay together). In the mean time, take care of you.

In the mean time, take care of you.

The same to you Slim. My thoughts are with you as well as you face this regretable situation.

Thanks Tap. I am trying.

Wow....never thought I'd be someone responding to this, and thankfully I was never married. However, when they talked about this subject at the informational seminar, I sat smugly and happily knowing I'd be with my guy forever. He was the only person who knew about my surgery and supported me in my decision. He waited on me hand and foot during the weeks following my surgery. He was the perfect man who loved me while I was huge and celebrated every success I had, no matter how large or small. I waited for my ring, and I kept waiting. At some point last summer, he started getting annoyed with me. We ate out nearly every meal and he'd get angry with me for being finished eating in just a few minutes. "EAT something, please?!" I realized that he thought he could support me in this, but the reality was that our lives REVOLVED around food---our travels, day trips, vacations, EVERYTHING. We had little else in common. I still love food, but I can't eat much. I left him in November. I realize I wanted more from a relationship and I'd like a chance at having a family. I couldn't keep waiting for him to come around....

So now I'm single. The strangest thing is that when I was fat and single, I at least knew men dated me because they LIKED me. Now, I have to worry that they have other motives. Dating can be fun, but it's a totally different ball game now. I'm far less trusting than I used to be. It wasn't the excitement I hoped for.......sure, men approach me far more now, but for what?! If my ex could have figured out what he had in me, I would have stayed. I needed and still need someone who sees all of my potential and who encourages me to be a better person today than I was yesterday.

So, as sad as it is to read this thread...I've lost my smug, bitchy attitude. The "that won't happen to ME" ignorance is gone. I love my new life and wouldn't change my experience for the world, but it's far lonelier than I ever expected.....

Wow....never thought I'd be someone responding to this, and thankfully I was never married. However, when they talked about this subject at the informational seminar, I sat smugly and happily knowing I'd be with my guy forever. He was the only person who knew about my surgery and supported me in my decision. He waited on me hand and foot during the weeks following my surgery. He was the perfect man who loved me while I was huge and celebrated every success I had, no matter how large or small. I waited for my ring, and I kept waiting. At some point last summer, he started getting annoyed with me. We ate out nearly every meal and he'd get angry with me for being finished eating in just a few minutes. "EAT something, please?!" I realized that he thought he could support me in this, but the reality was that our lives REVOLVED around food---our travels, day trips, vacations, EVERYTHING. We had little else in common. I still love food, but I can't eat much. I left him in November. I realize I wanted more from a relationship and I'd like a chance at having a family. I couldn't keep waiting for him to come around....

So now I'm single. The strangest thing is that when I was fat and single, I at least knew men dated me because they LIKED me. Now, I have to worry that they have other motives. Dating can be fun, but it's a totally different ball game now. I'm far less trusting than I used to be. It wasn't the excitement I hoped for.......sure, men approach me far more now, but for what?! If my ex could have figured out what he had in me, I would have stayed. I needed and still need someone who sees all of my potential and who encourages me to be a better person today than I was yesterday.

So, as sad as it is to read this thread...I've lost my smug, bitchy attitude. The "that won't happen to ME" ignorance is gone. I love my new life and wouldn't change my experience for the world, but it's far lonelier than I ever expected.....

I don't know what to say. :biggrin:

What a bittersweet ending. I'm happy and sorry for you both at the same time.

luv2teech - your post really struck a chord with me, because my husband is a "foodie". We go out to dinner alot, when we travel we're always checking out the places to eat, he prepares our meals at home, and our going out with friends mostly centers on going to dinner. I've been following this thread to try and be aware of the potential issues that may come up and I'd be less than honest if I said this doesn't worry me.

My husband of 4 years met me when I was at my lowest weight since high school and continued to be supportive of me even when I ballooned up to 300 lbs. But the fact that so much of our lives centers around food is a big concern to me and one that needs some attention.

Thanks for the post. You are in my thoughts.

Well you're one of the first honest people here, lol, because you know very few will admit to it and naturally it's why I lost 100 pounds twice in my life(in my 20s) but now I'm at the point where the lap band didn't work like I thought it would, does it mean I need to kill myself no, I'll just go on as is and it's not the end of the world. I'm tired of struggling and focusing on being thin all the time, it's not worth it anymore to me! Good luck to you, Nancy.:cursing:

It's half and half ... but when you hit 50 years of age all those medical issues creep up .... which I never in my life thought they would. So honestly, I just want to get under 180 lbs (more is icing on the cake) and I don't want to have my toes cut off from diabetes or my life cut short from high blood pressure ....or even worse ... a stroke that leaves me depended on people I love. Jan from NH