A dilemma, I have an overweight child...

[want_so_bad 0]

sorry, i posted in the wrong spot!

Edited May 2, 2008 by want_so_bad

[Michee 2]

Do you plan on telling everyone you know about the lapband?

If not, do not tell your 6 year old. It is unfair to expect her to keep a secret.

On the other hand if you are going to tell everyone, I think it's better that your daughter hear about it from you.

Sorry if this sounded blunt. I am kind of a Black and White thinker/talker

[LynneB 0]

I know exactly how you feel. My daughter is 8yrs old and slightly chubby. I can tell she will be just like me & ALL the other women in my family. We all have had to struggle w/ our weight our whole lives. I was banded 16 days ago & everyone knows I am banded, including my 2 kids. My son is only 14 & he is 5'11'' tall and weighs maybe 160 soaking wet so he is the lucky one. My daughter however, excersises, does dance, acting, and singing and is a member of a very prestigious dance troupe and theatre company, so she is constantly surrounded by "ballerina" types and she is already very self conscious of her weight. I tell her all the time that she is beautiful and talented, and that over 200 kids auditioned for this troupe and only 25 made it, so she should not worry about her weight. I have taught her about the food pyramid and what is healthy & whats not and how to read labels and count calories since she was interested from watching me prepare for my surgery over the last 6 months.

It is very tough for a child to lose weight, even being so active, she still has trouble losing. The group spends so many hours a night practicing that most of them bring frozen dinners to the studio for dinner or drive thru a fast food place on the way there, we have started bringing in either lean cuisine meals or fruits & veggies for her dinner/snacks, but then the other dancers notice that more than they do her weight.

She has made the comment a few times that she will just have the surgery when she gets older & I have told her that is not the answer. Even though thats what I have done, had I known at her age how to control my eating habits I would not have had to put myself thru all the diabetes and other health issues I have had to live with to cause me to need this surgery.

This past Monday my son, who will be a freshman in high school next year, made the football team & we have now started walking every night while he jogs to get in shape for training which starts June 2nd, so hopefully that will help her lose weight too.

Like other posters have said, without singling her out, change the whole familys eating habits & get everyone moving. Go for walks w/ her & make it a special mommy & me time even if no one else wants to go along. We have to do it for their futures and ours.

Good luck sweetheart, you are a great mom!!

[Kat817 19]

I agree with Wheetsin----approach it from a health aspect. Let the entire family know you are having some issues, that will worsen if you do not take control now. And in order to do that, some things will be changing in the house.

Even the normal weight children do not need the sugar laden Snacks....and could benefit from family outtings built around activity.

I would look at it, as though you and your child perhaps had been diagnosed with diabetes---changes would HAVE to be made, they would not be optional. Doing this for her, now in a family manner, rather than singling her out, might very well save her humiliation, as well as her own health issues down the road.

Being active, and eating healthy is not going to hurt any of us!!! My DH was not obese---he was mildly overweight---but he has dropped close to 25 pounds, just in the change of habits I have made in my cooking.

Ask all of them for their help in keeping you on plan--at her age, they love to help. You will be teaching her things that will be so good for her!

And now summer is here, so you could plan bike rides together, evening outtings to putt putt golf---you can make SF koolaid, and make your own popsicles, so treats are not off limits.

Involve the entire family, teach the entire family----you will ALL benefit!

My DD is on a slim down contest at work, and we were discussing it, and she said she got into a conversation with her boss, because she does not use the word diet around my granddaughter, she just tries to eat healthy, and so far my granddaughter makes good choices....she is only 3 though. But it made me wonder if all my years of "dieting" is what made her so opposed to the word, and the action!!!!

Good Luck! You can both do this!

Kat

[MacMadame 81]

She has made the comment a few times that she will just have the surgery when she gets older & I have told her that is not the answer. Even though thats what I have done, had I known at her age how to control my eating habits I would not have had to put myself thru all the diabetes and other health issues I have had to live with to cause me to need this surgery.

I don't agree with this. I hope my dd won't grow up to need a lap band like I have. But if her body lies to her and tells her that she's hungry and needs more food when she doesn't, then no amount of knowledge or control is going to stop the inevitable and I'd rather she get a band earlier than later.

The diet and medical industry has done us all a great disservice by promoting the idea that overweight people got that way because of a lack of control or because they don't know how many grams of Protein are in every different type of food. It's not about that for most of us. If it was, going on Weight Watchers and taking the classes that teach us how to estimate food quantities and drink enough Water would be enough for the vast majority of the population. Yet that stuff works for only about 2% of the people who try it.

If your kid exercises and eats in a healthy way and is still overweight, then she's got something going on that isn't going to be cured by willpower. If she's one of those people whose brain activity in the part of the brain that registers satiety is low, then she's got a medical problem that needs to be fixed.

Too many of us see getting WLS as some sort of failure on our parts. Would you see having to take insulin to treat diabetes as a personal failure? I see the lap band as being my version of insulin. It's going to fix my hunger thermostat that is broken. That's what you do with broken stuff -- you fix it.

[LynneB 0]

I don't agree with this. I hope my dd won't grow up to need a lap band like I have. But if her body lies to her and tells her that she's hungry and needs more food when she doesn't, then no amount of knowledge or control is going to stop the inevitable and I'd rather she get a band earlier than later.

The diet and medical industry has done us all a great disservice by promoting the idea that overweight people got that way because of a lack of control or because they don't know how many grams of Protein are in every different type of food. It's not about that for most of us. If it was, going on Weight Watchers and taking the classes that teach us how to estimate food quantities and drink enough Water would be enough for the vast majority of the population. Yet that stuff works for only about 2% of the people who try it.

If your kid exercises and eats in a healthy way and is still overweight, then she's got something going on that isn't going to be cured by willpower. If she's one of those people whose brain activity in the part of the brain that registers satiety is low, then she's got a medical problem that needs to be fixed.

Too many of us see getting WLS as some sort of failure on our parts. Would you see having to take insulin to treat diabetes as a personal failure? I see the lap band as being my version of insulin. It's going to fix my hunger thermostat that is broken. That's what you do with broken stuff -- you fix it.

What is not to agree with? I dont want my daughter to think that just because mom did it that its ok to eat any way she wants till she is old enough to get banded. She is 8 yrs old, not 15 or 16 & she should not expect to be able to just not "worry" about her weight just because someday she can get banded. Banding is not by any means an easy way out. There is nothing wrong w/ educating her on healthy ways to eat to possibly avoid being overweight as she grows up. If there ends up being a thyroid or other issue then of course that will be addressed when the time comes. She has been tested for thyroid and anything else that could effect her weight & it is not medical. It is because of years of unhealthy eating on my part, and rewards of food for report cards, etc. by me and my family.

I dont view being banded as any type of failure, so I dont know where that came from. Quite the opposite, its my life saving tool. But do I want my child to think that she can just fall back on surgery later in life if it can be avoided? Hell no. I dont want her to go thru school being teased, or not being able to participate in sports or whatever her heart desires because of her weight. Education of a healthy lifestyle is important. I wish I had been taught that.

I believe that if I had not grown up in a "clean your plate" family mentality that I would not have had the weight problems that I do now. No one ever read labels or counted calories when I was growing up so no one ever taught me about eating healthy or exercise being important, I want my daughter to learn that WLS is not the answer if you learn right from the start, it can be avoided.

WLS does not fix your "hunger thermostat". Your mind telling you that you are hungry is mental and is about control. Thats why so many ppl learn to eat around WLS. Whether its bypass or band, if you eat everytime your brain tells you to, you arent going to lose weight & you are going to cheat the surgery. You have to mentally re-train that thermostat, your band is not going to help w/ that.

Nothing wrong with wanting better for my child than what I have had.

[AngelaW 0]

I think you are on the right track with making "family wide changes". I am doing the same thing but it is little different for me. My husband, step-son (18 yr. old) and I have all been banded in the last 3 months.

I have a twelve year old that is a bit on the heavier side too (boy...our poor eating habits affected us all!!). Once he saw that we couldn't eat large quantities anymore and were loosing weight, he wanted a band too. I just had a "sit down" with him and explained several aspects of why being overweight is not healthy and how it was affecting our daily lives (I could hardly buckle up on a rollercoaster ride in November....he remembers that). I pointed out to him that we needed to make changes as a family to make everyone healthier and that we were all going to focus a little more on activities outside and a little less on going out to eat. I think my son just needed to see that he was "included" as well!

Everyone benefits with better eating habits and more activity!

Edited May 4, 2008 by AngelaW

[MacMadame 81]

WLS does not fix your "hunger thermostat". Your mind telling you that you are hungry is mental and is about control.

That's not what science says. WLS interferes with the body's hunger signals. Bypass, for example, cuts out a large portion of the stomach that produces a hormone that tells us we are hungry. Without as much of that hormone in your body, you can go for longer between meals on smaller portions.

The band gives us all a smaller stomach that is on top where the vagus nerve is. When the pouch expands, it signals to the body that we are full. Thus, it's getting that signal with 1/2 to a cup of food instead of with several cups as it took before.

It also short-circuits whatever it is in the brain that decides there is a famine every time you go on a diet. There have been study after study, the first one done during WWII, that showed that once you gain a significant amount of weight, your body thinks that's normal and it tries to maintain it. WLS stops that cycle and allows the body to maintain on a reasonable level of calories -- something that isn't possible for most people through a traditional diet and exercise program.

Yes, there is head hunger too and that is why WLS is not a magic pill, but many of us who are looking to be banded are not particularly emotional eaters and do not eat bad diets or don't exercise. We just never feel satisfied and are always hungry. The band fixes that a treat.

[LindaD 3]

I had this same discussion with my nutrionist and she recommened a book call Your Child's Weight: Helping without harm. I just started reading it.

I have bought and read this book and others by Ellyn Satter and follow much of her advice. I think they are good books, they get my recommendation too.

Thank you all for your input. Just by way of follow up -- a few comments.

I do intend to share with people that I'm doing this. I've already shared with several my intent to do this (as I am in planning stages now). As I said in my original post, I wear my life on my sleeve pretty much. Having said that, I do believe I have to tell my daughters. So it's really more about HOW I tell them. I want ot do it in the best way possible so that I do no alienate my overweight daughter or make her think this is a substitute for healthy eating, etc.

And in case I wasn't clear, we already have made family-wide changes beginning 4 years ago... all skim milk, no sugared Cereal, whole wheat pastas and breads, etc. etc. We've made tons of changes. 8" salad plates for dinner. No more rolls/bread with meals. Lots of chicken and fish and less beef. No cookies/cakes/chips (except pretzels and baked tortillas occasionally). We don't do poptarts or any of that stuff - they have only low-sugar whole grain cereals. I mean, I think our diet stacks up pretty good against the typical American family. But none of this has yet shown to have an effect for my daughter. She (like me) has Portion Control issues and is always hungry.

She's 6, and yes I know she will be called fat and I know she will learn to hate that. I did too. But I hope I can help her navigate it to where this doesn't DEFINE who she is. Even though I have always been overweight, I am highly successful in my career, I have a wonderful husband, family, house, life. So I expect that my daughter will be able to rise above and probably be stronger for it. And someday if the band or some other approach is right for her, I'd support her in seeking it.

Right now, what is of utmost importance to me is to make sure she knows how much we love her and how we don't find her imperfect at all, she's gorgeous and smart and I just want all of us to be our best, the healthiest we can be, and that's why the doctor is helping me.

[MacMadame 81]

When I had my first -- a picky eater -- I got the Ellyn Satter book "How to get your kids to eat ... but not too much". It was awesome. I recommend anything she writes about kids and eating.

The changes you have made in your family's eating habits are fantastic, LindaD. I have been working on my family for years with less success, probably because DH does the grocery shopping and cooking and is not as onboard with eating healthy as I am.

It doesn't surprise me that you have a girl who still struggles. It was around that age that I found I was always hungry too. My parents didn't handle it well. They nagged and criticized even when I was within a healthy range of weight and finally nagged me onto a diet when I was 13. Obviously, their approach DID NOT WORK or I wouldn't be here today working on getting a band. Kudos to you for taking a different approach.

Edited May 4, 2008 by MacMadame

[Kat817 19]

I agree.....sounds like you are doing wonderful!!! So many people do not take into consideration how this affects others, that your acknowledging it, and working to deal positively with it, tell me you will succeed.

I have a nephew whois 13, and has weight issues. My SIL said that the pediatrician suggested high Fiber for him, as it is more filling since that is his issue. Now when you see Avery snack, he is often snacking on Mini Wheats cereal-----and his Mom says a handful then will hold him till dinner. I keep waiting for him to hit that point that he shoots up height wise.....but so far we are still waiting!

Good Luck in your upcoming surgery, and I feel confident that you can handle things with your DD-----you seem very attuned to the situation, and that is the most important thing!!!

Kat

[OH Juli 15]

I'm a week late to the party but I'm gonna chime in now.

I have a six year old. She's chubby but there's a girl in her class who is heavier. I know, I checked, because I'm used to rating everyone by size and seeing where I fit in...but that's a whole different conversation.

With my DD she knew I was having surgery because my stomach didn't work right. She was 5 at the time. I told her my stomach didn't tell my brain when to quit eating and it was making me unhealthy. I wanted to be healthier/thinner/better able to run around.

I put her health in the context of doing things. Like if you are heavy it's harder to run. Running fast is fun. I think there is a place where you discuss consiquences of choices. Be it the choice to eat many sweets or the choice to hit your big sister. You can do it, but there will be consiquences and thinking before doing in any context is a good lesson.

DD has gotten the message that fat=bad already. The other big girl in the class happens to be be MEAN too. My DD came home and said, "Josie (name has been changed to protect the innocent) is FAT and MEAN!"

We had a conversation about if fat was good or bad and how we have fat people in our family who we love, and that Josie is in fact mean but it has nothing to do with being fat.

DD is cute in that there are times that she says we shouldn't have this or that in the house because it won't help me in my Quest to become thinner.

But I also hate gender steriotypes where boys are strong and smart and girls are adorable. I try to use many adjectives to describe my daugther to my daughter that include smart, pretty, strong, brilliant, kind etc.

You'll find your way.

Hope my ramblings help.

[Mom2_4 0]

Maybe instead of saying anything to her and giving her something else to think about, just continue to make changes in the family lifestyle and invite her along to jog or ride bikes with you and have her along as a 'helper' to her mommy to lose weight. Make it something fun for her, letting her believe that she is doing it for you. There are several mommy & me exercise videos that she 'help' you with. My daughter has a ball that she uses when we do pilates and attempts to do what I do. You could even invite her along on 'reward' trips to the mall to buy new clothes. Best of luck to you both!!

[lapthismargaret 0]

i also want to chime in here ....I am not banded but will be .....

The women that got me started on the whole band idea was a woman that was banded herself .....i enjoyed her friendship (she was my boss) we still talk occasionally to see where i am with my choice...

But anyway ...She was 2 daughters ..both are on the heavy side ...her 1 daughter is young 6-7 years old ...young where being over weight is cute she is puggy or has chimpmunk checks (u get the idea) her other daughter is 12 teenage years ....little miss woman ....my friend is very different to that daughter buys her clothes and is mad on the size she has to buy her because it is big.....

from the outside looking in i can see the difference on how she is being treated .....which from looking her i think we all need to realize that just because we choice to have any type of weight loss surgery doesnt mean it is the choice for the next guy or daughter ...

my brothers wife is a BIG GIRL ..She will never say over weight or any refferences to that ...i asked her if she wanted to do this with me she said she did not qualify ...i said mmmhhh i am 4 11 and almost 200 lbs she is 5 4 and almost 300lbs .....ok i wont argue ... she is very happy and very active ...(more than me lol) she may never want wls ..... my point is 6 years old even if you told her she will forget ....in time the topic may resurface .. but now she wants that toy in the happy meal ...that Cereal with the doll in it .... and that is ok as long as you moderate it .....i have heard of parents that had there teens done ........... more power to them....i applaud that choice but i also and equally applaud the parents/child that did not get wls ...for there kids .

yes the world is cruel ....kids are cruel.....we read about it everyday.....dont rush what she will be......enjoy her for what she is alittle girl.....

just some food for thought without the calories ............

[Daisalana 33]

I think you're already making great decisions for her, and as you go through being banded, you'll learn more-- that you can pass on to her.

I would think at 6, she's not going to be extremely attentive, or even remember what you're doing/why. As she gets older though, it will have already been a part of your life and it won't be like some 'new thing mommy is doing'.

And kudos on getting her to eat right. My mom was a bean pole, and she was the one who regulated me. My dad was large and ate (eats) horribly, candy all day long, etc. I took up after him, learned that candy isn't a treat, it just is something to eat, things like that. I can't say if mom tried to intervene it would have helped, I know somewhere in my teens I turned into a closet binge eater and would wait till everyone went to sleep, that kind of thing.

But I think it's great you're introducing the healthy foods into her life now, if nothing else it will help her 'aquire' the taste for them. To this day I hate wheat based items, and my husband loves them. I never had them growing up, and that's all his parents had. I think those little things can make a huge difference.