Hi, I was just wondering what your experiences have been as far as when you told people about your upcoming surgery. I feel like if my BMI was in the 50's it would be easier for people to understand and or be supportive of wanting to get this done.

My BMI is 39 as of today and I finally had the nerve to tell my best friend and she was totally not supportive and basically blew it off and said, "just join weight watchers, your not that big to have to go get a surgery". A friend at work told me basically the same thing too, "oh you aren't fat ha ha ha your so funny". But to me I am fat.......... obese......... whatever you want to call it. Just to name a few things, my knees and back hurt, I have no energy and this is so embarrassing to say but if I sit on the toilet to long my legs and feet fall asleep and I know that's from all this weight (242) I am carrying around. If weight watchers would work I would do it but obviously it dosen't nor does/did all the other 20 diets I have tried . I just feel like I have to really explain myself like when I was telling her I kept saying but I'm so unhealthy, if I wasn't unhealthy then I wouldn't do this, my Dr. thinks it's for the best, etc......

UGH, why can't people think this is great, be supportive, and be happy for me?

Girlygirlz, The reason's my DH gives me for not supporting me are that 1) I may no longer be attractive to him, or him to me (even though I've gained 110 lbs-at my highest-but I've lost 19 since I started this journey- since we got married) 2) No one should ever undergo elective surgery if they don't really NEED it 3) How can anyone handle having a foreign object implanted in them forever? 4) What if I die on the operating table? 5) Fat people are happy people. 6) We eat out a lot and he thinks I won't "enjoy" doing that anymore. 7) He would never do it. 8) With gas being so expensive,I shouldn't be driving an hour away for follow-up. Now that I write them all down, I see there's a lot of reasons... If he would just support me, I'd feel so much better about this. Part of me is rebellious enough to go through with it just to spite him, but I really do want to be successful with it, and in a perfect world all would go fine and none of these fears would happen. But it isn't a perfect world and any of them might, and can I deal with them when/if they do, and I don't have his support?

First of all, I am butting in! But all of these reasons should be validated by you that you hear his concerns, but they also can all be argued. It is EXTREMELY rare for someone to die on the operating table during lap-band surgery. Him not being attracted to you will SO not be the problem. I am sure he is more afraid that you will no longer be attracted to him or that everyone else will be attracted to you! Fat people are seen as "jolly", but most of us know from experience that fat is usually hiding some pain. Thin, healthy people are just as happy if not more so than overweight people. Not being able to eat out is a farce! I eat out all the time. You just learn how to order differently and take a doggy bag home. No, you won't be sitting side by side stuffing your faces at the buffet, but you can certainly eat out. I understand your need to have his support and not wanting to go against his wishes, but this is a health issue, not just a vanity issue. There are numerous people in the world who have "foreign objects" inside their bodies for various medical reasons. I have a friend who has a defibrillator(sp??) under his skin for a heart ailment, one who has an insulin pump for diabetes, etc. Obesity is just as serious a medical condition. I hope that you have some supportive friends and family members that you can turn to. That being said, I told no one and did it on my own, so it can be done without telling others or getting their support. I eventually told one friend who has been very supportive. Sorry, I'm on my soapbox this morning, but naysayers frustrate me!!

It's ok - socialgal - glad to have the input - from anyone! Yes, he has gone to ALL my appts. with me, and has met with the surgeon, and talked to my closest friends, who, while not totally supportave, at least are respectful of my decision. I thought he was at least resigned to me having the surgery, but I didn't think he'd get so vindictive about it! He'd never go the counselor route - it's come up before - he doesn't believe in them. And I've told him flat out that I'm ok with him not supporting me having the surgery, but that I do need his support afterwards, and I THOUGHT we were ok. I know I'm making him out to be a beast. He's really not - we've been married almost 32 years, and since the kids have left home our relationship couldn't be better in all other respects. I'm whining, I know - sorry. You both make some very valid observations and have helped me see all of this in a better light, and I really needed that right now! I do have family members totally in support of this, but they all live in different states, so they won't be much help if I do have any emergencies. So far I haven't called to cancel surgery, and my pre-op physical is Tues. next week. Guess I'll just keep on keeping on and see where it goes!

I would be crushed if my DF (fiance) did not support me!! He's the only one I am telling! I mentioned to my SIL that I was thinking about it and she went off about why I shouldnt. We've also been FAT together for 10 years. I lost weight about 7 years ago, 90lbs to be exact, and she got mad. Now she loves me again! lol.

I dont want to tell anyone I am doing this. Just DF and that is it. He even has a 10 year old who has been living with us for 9 years...I dont want her to know either!

MY decision, and I don't really need anyone butting in. You know?

ALSO. I went in 2 weeks ago for my eval. My BMI was only 38.6. they told me I needed to gain 10 more lbs and then my insurance would pay. So I am currently doing that....Apparently I am not fat enough at 253 lbs. and a size 20!!!

GREAT THREAD!! I have a BMI of about 35 and I got the same thing from my wife. She's good with it now but in the beginning she was saying the same stuff as I'm hearing here.

I have a bmi of 35, I was approved because I also have mild sleep apnea. My husband is the only one I've told, he's the only one I need to support me. He's seen my weight struggles through the years, and how it's starting to effect my health now, so I think he's basically supportive. I think his main worry is if it's safe. Other than that, i think he's looking forward to have a slimmer and healthier wife :hurray: I don't want to tell anybody else for all the reasons already stated... !

I agree with socalgal, and maybe since it is getting close to being a reality he may be getting apprehensive. I think everyone gets nervous when the time gets closer. I know I did. Assure him what the mortality rate is. It is very low.Tell him you want to be alive as long as you can, and this can help achieve that. My husband is very supportive,goes to all my appointments and meetings,and even makes me a protein shake for breakfast. I'm really glad I have his support.

Goodluck

Leather - what happened to make your wife be ok with it now? I honestly don't know what it will take to make my DH understand. Yesterday he dug up some information on the internet about the dangers of weight loss surgery. Both RNY and Lab Band. According to the article, the morbidity rate is 1 in 300. I know it's rediculous, and I told him I could probably find another site that would quote something else. He's focusing on the negative, I know, but it's making me focus on the negative too, and I don't need that right now!

The only person who knew I was getting it was my husband. I knew I would hear all of the same things you heard. I did this for me, no one else. My BMI was 42 in March of last year. It was 39 the day of my surgery 2 weeks ago. I don't plan on telling people either. I plan on saying that I'm trying to eat smaller portions....

This is exactly why I did not tell anyone other than my husband, mom and close friend (they all knew about my struggles.)

This is a very personal surgery, there will be times ahead that you will need to summon your own strength (for me this has come up alot as I can no longer binge and resort to emotional eating.) It is for these reasons that I am doing this one myself.

In the past I would join weight watchers etc and need to enlist the support of everyone that I knew so that I could be 'helped along' and motivated. This time is different.

Good luck to you.

I am here looking for support also, only my husband knows about my intent to do this. my bmi is 36.6 and i've been disgusted with myself for so long, and its just getting worse now that i'm getting older. my mom is starting to have serious health issues due to her weight, as did both her parents. there are many who think that i wouldnt need this, but do i need to be to the point that its required before i do something about it. i've tried and tried and its not getting any easier, this seems like the best way to get to a healthy size so that i can better take other steps to improve my health.

i admire ppl who are larger than me and go out, i stay home. large ppl who go swimming, i'm so jealous, i love to swim, but havent been in about 10 years. Just to be able to take a walk around the neighborhood without feeling like i'm going to have a heart attack would be so nice.

no one knows how uncomfortable i am in this body. its so funny (not funny ha ha) how everyone pushes and encourages society's view of attractive, but yet they degrade you for taking steps to lose weight. they degrade ppl for being fat, but there's no encouragement to take steps to protect your health.

My BMI was 34 when I went into surgery and I got the same response. If I had to do it all over again, I would just tell family.

when i told my daughter (granted she's only 12 and will probably have her father's metabolism and be thin her whole life) she laughed and asked why i didnt just get lipo (she couldnt think of the name, but described it). i told her that that is a quick fix and would probably not last.

even a 12 yr old, and i've raised her in a home where i didnt allow my children to call anyone "fat" or "skinny", not to put anyone down due to thier size.

In my excitement about the band I've told everyone and anyone about me getting banded (I'll be banded on 2/19/2008). I have a BMI of about 40. My family are all supportive its the people I only have occasional contact that say the comments like "you aren't fat enough to need surgery", etc. On lady's lost 65 pounds on Weight Watchers and even said I was taking the easy way out!! and then she kind of choked back her words. I told her that I, too, lost 50 pounds on WW but it didn't last and that THAT is the hardest part - keeping it off. I bit my tongue because what I wanted to tell her was that she had a snowballs chance keeping it off. ALL of us know this. At any rate, this is what I want for myself and to heck with anyone else and their opinions. Everyone has one!!!!

I'll start off by saying that I'm 51, married 31 years and have a bmi of 46. I'm going to have WLS in about 60-90 days. My DW EgorsGirl is expecting to be banded in March. Now:

Things that Most Men Won't Tell a Woman:

1. I Love You

2. I Want you always by my side

3. I am afraid of losing YOU

4. *You make me look good *

5. Skinny girls are not all that attractive

6. Real Women DO have curves

#4 seems to be the sticking point for Debi's husband. He is afraid she is going to make him look bad. How? By doing something he is afraid to do himself. Debi has admitted that she needs a tool to accomplish her goal of a healthier weight/lifestyle. She is going to lose weight, and look fantastic and make him look like a fat slob. Have you ever heard the saying "If I can't be skinny, let my friends be fat!"? There you have it. This hits on almost all the insecurities that a man will never admit to. Insecurities about his appearance, his ability to perform, his ability to control his environment. By exercising this control, Debi takes away from him. I don't think it's been said, but does he have a paunch? Could he stand to get up and do some walking too, maybe drink a few less beers etc? Guys change the same women do and put on weight, get lazy etc. Regardless, refusal of support for Debi in this effort is simply jealousy or selfishness.

Having vented to this extent. Debi, good luck with your WLS, don't be nervous, you have a tremendous amount of support from here and I'm sure elsewhere. GO FOR IT! :cursing:

Glen

Gma,

Excuse me, but you are over 50, 100 lb overweight, and he thinks there is no reason for this "elective" surgery? Maybe he should talk to a doctor to learn what your chances are of a long and healthy life from here on in. Now that you have written them down, you should see that they are all selfish reasons he doesn't want you to be healthy and happy. Tell him to bundle up HIS insecurities and stick them . . . away. he might as well be saying he doesn't care if you die early as long as he gets what he wants. You don't need to go through with this to spite him. You may need to go through it for yourself.