I feel kind of weird asking this here because I don’t want to imply that this forum is bad for everyone, but... where do you all get support online besides this forum?

Honestly, I’m starting to feel like this is a very unsafe place to get support but I’m not sure of where else to go. I’m deaf, so the support group at my surgery center isn’t accessible for me communication-wise. I really need spaces online, especially once I get to my November surgery date. I haven’t posted much, but I’ve been lurking for a while and have experienced a lot of anxiety over the way that other people are getting shamed on these forums.

In the few months I’ve been lurking on these forums I’ve seen other members being shamed for all kinds of things: having second thoughts about surgery, eating something too soon after surgery, eating something that isn’t the ideal food, regaining weight, and making different kinds of mistakes. That’s not the kind of environment I need to be in. I’m hard enough on myself when I don’t do something perfectly in any area of life. Once I have my surgery I think I’ll be crushed if I come here seeking support and am shamed and treated like I’m subhuman for not doing things perfectly. Some of the things that are said here by other members would seriously derail me if those things were said to me.

But I’ve not had much success with finding other internet spaces that are as active as this one. Where do you all go besides here when you need support? Preferably, I’m looking for places where shaming other people isn’t tolerated.

Hi, SAS. I'm so sorry to hear that you feel this forum is not a supportive environment. Aside from my surgeon's office, I actually found Bariatric Pal to be the best place to turn for support, advice and information. I learned so much from the other members here and found that as a rule we encouraged each other and cheered the successes of other members.

I have seen the types of "shaming" posts you are talking about, but in my experience they are few and far between--and I think they are far outweighed by the positive and helpful posts. You will sometimes see "tough love" posts in response to people whose behavior suggests that they are not taking their diets seriously, but sometimes that's what they need. There's a difference between that and bullying or shaming.

I had my surgery in February 2019, and there was a thread for all of us who had surgeries that month. We became like a social club and really got to know each other, and I found that tremendously helpful during the first 6 to 8 months. (I will admit that we are no longer very active now that we are all in maintenance.)

Like you, I have not found any other sites that are as active as this one. I would urge you to stick with Bariatric Pal for a while. Hopefully you will find the support here that I have, and you can simply ignore the few people who engage in shaming. I would be happy to answer any questions you might have via a private message if you like (although I had bypass, not a sleeve).

I wish you all the best going forward, and I hope you find the support you need, whether it's here or elsewhere.

2 hours ago, SAS11 said:

I feel kind of weird asking this here because I don’t want to imply that this forum is bad for everyone, but... where do you all get support online besides this forum?

Honestly, I’m starting to feel like this is a very unsafe place to get support but I’m not sure of where else to go. I’m deaf, so the support group at my surgery center isn’t accessible for me communication-wise. I really need spaces online, especially once I get to my November surgery date. I haven’t posted much, but I’ve been lurking for a while and have experienced a lot of anxiety over the way that other people are getting shamed on these forums.

In the few months I’ve been lurking on these forums I’ve seen other members being shamed for all kinds of things: having second thoughts about surgery, eating something too soon after surgery, eating something that isn’t the ideal food, regaining weight, and making different kinds of mistakes. That’s not the kind of environment I need to be in. I’m hard enough on myself when I don’t do something perfectly in any area of life. Once I have my surgery I think I’ll be crushed if I come here seeking support and am shamed and treated like I’m subhuman for not doing things perfectly. Some of the things that are said here by other members would seriously derail me if those things were said to me.

But I’ve not had much success with finding other internet spaces that are as active as this one. Where do you all go besides here when you need support? Preferably, I’m looking for places where shaming other people isn’t tolerated.

I have an in person support group but its doing telehealth right now. I think the meeting its through microsoft you can probably find one similar and turn on closed caption through microsoft somehow. This support group is for my surgeons patients. Maybe your surgeon has something similar?

I think you are over thinking this site. I have been on all of these sites and there is none i have found even close to this. Remember this is a world wide site so different cultures communicate differently. I can be brash at times to clearly make a point, but all of us are here for the same reason to help and support. I do not need support i never post a question but I do feel i need to pay it forward to the new members. Just like the help i got. I say give this place another chance.

Nobody here gets paid to do this we are all here to help each other.

I think this site is like real life. There may be a few negative posts here and there, but for the most part everyone is super supportive and always happy to answer questions, give advice guidance, etc.

There are some WLS groups on FB, but I like this site better as you get to "know" the fellow posters here.

Best of luck to you!

Sending a big virtual hug your way, SAS11, and I’m glad you stayed and expressed your concern. As Alex posted yesterday, what we say online may not always come across as we intended, so we need to be cautious, tread lightly and re-read before posting.

I have found most on this board to be loving, giving, supportive and generous. Once in awhile someone will appear sharp tongued and I dismiss it, that perhaps they were in a bad mood that day or too rushed to refine their words. Unfortunately, we can all have days like that and again, unintended.

As for an outright nasty someone, as Alex stated so well, do not engage nor get snared in. I would suggest ignoring it once, maybe twice, if it appears to continue discuss it with the administrator, not here. You don’t deserve to take that on, and hopefully you will never encounter it.

Finally, DON’T GIVE AWAY YOUR POWER TO ANYONE to derail you. Not here, not anywhere. YOU OWN YOUR POWER, just smile and move on from anything not in support of your best interest, for it’s about them, not about you.?

Edited September 29, 20205 yr by Lily66

6 hours ago, SAS11 said:

I feel kind of weird asking this here because I don’t want to imply that this forum is bad for everyone, but... where do you all get support online besides this forum?

Honestly, I’m starting to feel like this is a very unsafe place to get support but I’m not sure of where else to go. I’m deaf, so the support group at my surgery center isn’t accessible for me communication-wise. I really need spaces online, especially once I get to my November surgery date. I haven’t posted much, but I’ve been lurking for a while and have experienced a lot of anxiety over the way that other people are getting shamed on these forums.

In the few months I’ve been lurking on these forums I’ve seen other members being shamed for all kinds of things: having second thoughts about surgery, eating something too soon after surgery, eating something that isn’t the ideal food, regaining weight, and making different kinds of mistakes. That’s not the kind of environment I need to be in. I’m hard enough on myself when I don’t do something perfectly in any area of life. Once I have my surgery I think I’ll be crushed if I come here seeking support and am shamed and treated like I’m subhuman for not doing things perfectly. Some of the things that are said here by other members would seriously derail me if those things were said to me.

But I’ve not had much success with finding other internet spaces that are as active as this one. Where do you all go besides here when you need support? Preferably, I’m looking for places where shaming other people isn’t tolerated.

This site was created with rules and safeguards so that it can remain a safe place, so most of the time it is.

Please report anything/anyone that doesn't meet the standards, that's the one of the ways to remove the negativity.

The other way is to create threads, find your "tribe" and cultivate safe spaces.

Be the change that you want to see ♥️

100% in agreement with GreenTea here. Finding your "tribe" is great way to put it. Identify the people that you think you feel safe interacting with. Go to their profile and click "Follow Member". That way, you'll get a notification when they post personal status updates or start new threads. You can also reach out and say hi to those people via the Direct Message system and open up a chat with them and get to know them. There are some people on here that I have Direct Messages with and periodically will message them about things just to chat outside of a thread. You can build up a support network that way by curating who you bring into your circle.

I sincerely hope that you'll stick around and can find a safe space here to get support!

6 hours ago, tarotcardreader said:

I have an in person support group but its doing telehealth right now. I think the meeting its through microsoft you can probably find one similar and turn on closed caption through microsoft somehow. This support group is for my surgeons patients. Maybe your surgeon has something similar?

There are a lot of issues with automated captioning, especially when groups are large and people don’t have their cameras on so I can’t read lips. Deaf people spend a lot of time and energy on communication in daily life, and that type of situation is just too exhausting. Not worth my time and energy when I’m so worn out trying to understand what’s being said that I end up getting no actual support. I had at one point considered getting an ASL interpreter for the group, but even though interpreters are technically bound by confidentiality standard in their profession, a good number of them gossip within the community. And the deaf community is pretty small. So if I get an interpreter for the group I take the chance on everyone in the local deaf community finding out that I’m having this surgery.

8 hours ago, Recidivist said:

Hi, SAS. I'm so sorry to hear that you feel this forum is not a supportive environment. Aside from my surgeon's office, I actually found Bariatric Pal to be the best place to turn for support, advice and information. I learned so much from the other members here and found that as a rule we encouraged each other and cheered the successes of other members.

I have seen the types of "shaming" posts you are talking about, but in my experience they are few and far between--and I think they are far outweighed by the positive and helpful posts. You will sometimes see "tough love" posts in response to people whose behavior suggests that they are not taking their diets seriously, but sometimes that's what they need. There's a difference between that and bullying or shaming.

I had my surgery in February 2019, and there was a thread for all of us who had surgeries that month. We became like a social club and really got to know each other, and I found that tremendously helpful during the first 6 to 8 months. (I will admit that we are no longer very active now that we are all in maintenance.)

Like you, I have not found any other sites that are as active as this one. I would urge you to stick with Bariatric Pal for a while. Hopefully you will find the support here that I have, and you can simply ignore the few people who engage in shaming. I would be happy to answer any questions you might have via a private message if you like (although I had bypass, not a sleeve).

I wish you all the best going forward, and I hope you find the support you need, whether it's here or elsewhere.

Thank you for your kind words.

The “tough love” posts aren’t quite as bad as the shaming and bullying ones, but I would put them in the same general category (i.e. posts that make me not want to participate in this community). Different people have different needs, and I respect that. Personally, I don’t believe in “tough love” and I consider it to be not really love and a mild form of bullying. If someone replied in such a way to something I posted seeking support, I would be likely to leave and never come back.

I appreciate the encouragement that you all have stated here. Thank you for encouraging me to stay. I’m sad to learn that there aren’t really other internet spaces where I could go, but I guess that’s just how it is. I’m really dreading my surgery date and wish that I could discuss that with people who have been there.

I appreciate the encouragement that you all have stated here. Thank you for encouraging me to stay. I’m sad to learn that there aren’t really other internet spaces where I could go, but I guess that’s just how it is. I’m really dreading my surgery date and wish that I could discuss that with people who have been there.

Do u mean dreading ur surgery date because it is too far away and ur tired of jumping through hoops or because u are nervous about the coming day? Any of us who have had surgery have went through similar emotions is why I ask for clarification of how ur feeling. U really can receive comfort through this site, knowing we all have at least one similarity...wls.

8 hours ago, SAS11 said:

I appreciate the encouragement that you all have stated here. Thank you for encouraging me to stay. I’m sad to learn that there aren’t really other internet spaces where I could go, but I guess that’s just how it is. I’m really dreading my surgery date and wish that I could discuss that with people who have been there.

I'm sure there are other sites out there that can get you Obesity Help.

It's likely the folks here would not want us to send you to possible competitors, but there are other places where Obesity Help can be found.

Good luck finding Obesity Help.

Tek

Good luck! At my program (brigham & women in Boston) there is a private Facebook group. Your program may have something similar. Ask your nutritionist if they offer an online support group. There are several hospitals around me that do bariatric surgery. If that is true for you, contact them about online support.
I have found this forum helpful, and there are several posters who have consistently offered a great, non judgemental perspective, such as@catwoman7 and @ somerset. I can mostly ignore the obnoxious ones, but I'm an older curmudgeonly woman..[emoji846]. once in awhile the food shaming or conduct shaming gets to me but i try not to engage. I agree "tough love " is often used to justify being a jerk. Hang in there, the results for most of us are worth it!

On 9/29/2020 at 2:32 PM, regina r said:

Do u mean dreading ur surgery date because it is too far away and ur tired of jumping through hoops or because u are nervous about the coming day? Any of us who have had surgery have went through similar emotions is why I ask for clarification of how ur feeling. U really can receive comfort through this site, knowing we all have at least one similarity...wls.

I’m actually dreading the whole thing. Everything about it. Dreading going to the hospital during COVID, that communication breakdown is going to be more likely because everyone is masked and accessibility at hospitals is hard enough already, the procedure itself, the recovery period, all of it. I just want to get it over with so that it’s done and I never have to do this again.

Thank you all again for the suggestions and responses. Sounds like some of you have some great resources through your programs. The one I’m going through is a highly reputable program and I’m there specifically because of the surgeon and not because of any thing else. But the level of other support is very lacking. If I weren’t so committed to working with this surgeon, I’d be going somewhere else.