I’m 9 months post op and was doing great. Down 110 lbs since surgery and following all the rules. Then on August 10th, my big brother died suddenly from a massive heart attack. I’m spiraling. I’m not hitting any nutrition goals. I’m barely eating, barely drinking and don’t know how to even begin to process this loss. I feel like I’m drowning. When my mom died 8 years ago (her funeral and my brother’s were 8 years to the day apart) I was pregnant. Once my daughter was born, the grief hit me and i turned to food and put on 45 lbs. this time- I can’t do that. I won’t do that. So I’m drowning in grief with no idea how to cope with it because I can’t eat my feelings. I don’t even know why I’m posting this other than I need to get it out.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I do not have anything that will make you feel better, but I can understand how difficult it is to not be able to turn to food when dealing with these feelings. It is not going to help you feel better anyways. Also, I think it is okay to feel sad. Allow yourself to cry, stay in bed for the day, go through the grieving process. That seems normal to me anyways.

Again, I’m so sorry for your huge loss and I hope you find a way to cope with your grief in a healthy way.

I'm terribly sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the grief you must be feeling.

We all hope that we are able to find better coping mechanisms and kick our bad habits to the side before anything major happens in our lives after surgery. All, I can say for words of wisdom, is experiment with what makes you feel good. Healthy alternatives to eating. Maybe its going for a walk, mowing the grass, reading a book, scrubbing the bath tub, talking with a friend, or playing candy crush. Anything that can mask your feelings for a moment or two.

If all else fails, I'm a firm believer in talking to a professional. I have an established therapist that I can call if times get tough.

All my love and sympathy pouring your way! Hang in there.

So sorry for your loss, nothing ever replaces people we love and lose, certainly not food

I also am sorry for this loss. My consul may be a little different, maybe farther down the line but here it goes I k,ow your big brother loved you ,was proud of you, he would not you turning to food for solace.
My middle child, my oldest son, died suddenly January 2008, his father less than 4 and a half years later. So I have walked this path.
Did your brother have any special interests? Do them in his and to honor his memory. My Kevin loved to read , I donated books to our lbrary in his honor. One of my friends sons was a marathon runner. Now neither she or I are spring chickens, but as a way of honoring Scottie, she started and walking, and did a quarter-marathon in his memory, she walked instead of running , at 71 she did it. And we, her friends, pledged a little money for each mile she did, that money goes to the foundation for the condition that killed him, that another mother will not have to cry, that another son or daughter will live, Scottie would have liked that, and we are proud of Kathy for doing it..
Maybe when you feel strong enough volunteer at the Heart Association. Your brother deserves to be honored that way,if you want to do it. Make sure your own heart is healthy, some weakness can be herditary, make sure you get yourself checked out, as well as any kids and other family members. True Story- do you remember John Ritter the actoe, he died suddenly of an aortic dissection(same thing my son died of). well John had a brother Tom. Didn't hear too much about Tom, he has cerebral palsy and kind of stayed in the background. They tested Tom, he also had the condition, was operated , they put stents in to correct the condition and now Tom will continue to have a life. No nothing will bring John back but his death saved Tom. Their daddy Tec Ritter was a Cowboy actor/singer much like Roy Rogers and Gene Autry back in the 40s and 50s, when Tec died Heart Attack was put on his death certificate but now they believe he had this condition also. And Johns own children were tested too. But text me anytimebyouvwant to talk, inK?

I am terribly sorry for your loss. I know the type of grief that causes physical pain and turns you inside out. I love the suggestions above about doing something that honors his memory and keeps it alive. My suggestion would be to start writing down everything you can remember about him. His sense of humor, his eccentricities, his annoying habits. Remember and record vacation memories, brother-sister teasing, ways that he was wonderful and ways that he was goofy. It's sad to say, but as time goes by, these memories become fuzzy around the edges, some will be forgotten entirely. Make a gift to your future self by collecting and saving all the memories that you can. If you are a church-goer, many churches have grief support groups and/or Stephen ministers that can offer support. I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts.

My brother was a kidney recipient 9 years ago and we’ve set up a fundraiser for the American kidney fund in his name and seeing the donations warms my heart. He was also an avid golfer and despite knowing nothing of golf, other than my love of putt putt, I might try to learn.

I’m just reeling in grief. I don’t want to turn to food. And I won’t let myself. But as of right now, I’m barely eating. Barely drinking. Everything makes me nauseated. I don’t know how to cope with this. I’m just so lost.

So sorry for your huge loss!! ((hugs)) Talking is good. Talk through your feelings and grief with anyone you can! I second the grief groups through church and also counseling. There are counselors in churches who also know how to help people grieve.

Cry, shout, sing, wail, laugh, remember the good things. Watch lots of comedies. Go exercise/walk. Get out in the sun for Vitamin D therapy. Do not bring crap into your house. And do three things (positive) to help yourself and care for yourself every day. Check them off your list as you go.

Hang in there!!

So sorry for your loss but maybe a grief counselor could help.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Boy what a terrible situation, and I'm so sorry for your loss. Depending on your views of the afterlife, that may offer a glimpse of hope (Reunion later on) or reincarnation of some sort (I'm nowhere near an expert on all religions).

People say, and I agree with, that the battle is in the grocery store. So if your feel is overeating, then have someone do your grocery shopping for you, conveniently "forgetting" the bad things. Conversely, it seems like you handle stressful situations just like I do (Not eating). I have not had to experience such a loss, but I have been in extremely anxious situations where it took months/years to get back to the new normal. For me, a family member basically makes food for me and tells me to eat it. I usually don't eat all of it, but having someone put it in front of you (Not force feeding at all) helps because you don't have to "dredge up" the energy to fix it yourself.

I would say to allow yourself some variance. Don't beat yourself down because you're not doing this as good as you were a few weeks ago, understand that like anything else, you need to recover. You wouldn't expect to play tennis after knee surgery, so it's kind of the same philosophy. A psychologist once told me a way of coping is to essentially busy one's self as it distracts you. I've used that technique quite a bit, and it does work, but I also think it disrupts the normal grieving (or in my case, anxiety) process. If you think you've went too long without progressing, then I would see a grief counselor or therapist.

I will be praying for you, I am so sorry for your loss, and I hope you begin to feel better soon.

I don’t even know why I’m posting this other than I need to get it out.

By processing your feelings in part (here), you're already helping yourself to grieve in a healthier way. While I can't feel your pain (no one can), I can sense a great deal of strength in your words. And it's that strength and your determination to get through this without food that will help you to become even stronger. You're already stronger than you think. That said, don't walk around with a brave face. Now isn't the time. Strong doesn't mean numbing out or denying your feelings. I've always found crying to be very cleansing. Big girls do cry.

By not allowing yourself to head down a destructive path to cope with your loss, you are, in a sense, honoring yourself... and by honoring yourself, you are honoring your brother. And your mother. And your young daughter who must be hurting terribly seeing you in so much pain. Comfort your daughter. Sometimes when we look beyond our own pain, by comforting another, we are able to comfort ourselves, too.