How I Conquered My 20th High School Reunion

[Nanette Adams, MEd, LPC 16]

High school reunions can be a source of anxiety. These types of events can trigger a revisit of negative memories. If you were bullied or weight shamed in school, it may be time to let go of the past and look forward to a future where letting people in can help you heal the pain. Here, I tell my story of how I conquered my 20th high school reunion by throwing myself into the planning of the event and healing the wounds that once burdened my memories of school.

Weight shaming is nothing new. I would beg to guess that most children who’ve struggled with weight have been victims of weight-based bullying. I can remember, as a shy elementary school kid, rapidly gaining weight and being different from the other children in my class. This impacted my self-image as I grew up, and my school days were rampant with daily bullying. The damage this did to my self-esteem carried over into many aspects of my life.

As a therapist, I had to confront those ideas I had about my value in therapy as a graduate student. I had to stop blaming those kids, and instead, change my thinking to change my life. Today, in the first few days after my 20th High School Reunion, I realize I had to fully let it go. The children and young adults that once ignored me or superficially friended me were not completely at fault for their behaviors in grade school, I was at fault for carrying their bad behavior with me and perpetuating those negative comments in my daily life.

It has always been my belief and a widely accepted professional self-care philosophy that you must work on your own issues actively to be able to help others. To do the real work on your own issues, it is essential to identify where those issues originated. How you got to that place of brokenness often brings back memories of humiliation, shame, mocking, and criticism from people you’ve known throughout your life. I had to actively challenge myself to overcome those negative memories of grade school and not shy away from attending like I did my 10-year reunion, so I got involved. I challenged myself to head up the 20-year reunion effort by rallying the troupes. I put myself in a position that gave me no way out by researching venues and getting the committee together.

I conquered my anxiety about what those people would think about me now. And you know what, I enjoyed my time at the reunion. It helps that I also weigh at least 150 pounds less, but as I’m sure many of you know, anxiety doesn’t go away automatically when you lose weight. To conquer my anxiety, I confronted it— using all those coping skills learned in years of therapy. What did I learn? I wasn’t the only one questioning whether or not I should go because I wasn’t sure how I would be accepted. In the days after the reunion, another attendee posted concerns about how she felt she hadn’t gotten to a place in life that she was proud of yet and worried what people would think. My reaction was genuinely heartfelt and profoundly appropriate for anyone struggling with their place in this world:

Be unapologetically you. Love your life and the place you've arrived without regrets or envy of others. The positivity you put out into the world will reflect back into your life a thousand times, just as negativity does the same. If you wallow in shame, blame, hurt, and pain those emotions intensify as you carry them around, they are heavy and burdensome. Let them go, smile more, take care of your whole self: mind, body, heart, and soul through your thoughts, words, actions, and emotions.

We often shy away from connecting with people who can be supportive of our goals and ambitions because we may lack confidence ourselves or hang on to past impressions people have made on us. If I learned anything from this experience, it’s that I had a lot of smart, talented people around me growing up. We've done some incredible things with our lives. There’s no reason feel like an outcast anymore. They were people I perceived to judge me in school who probably didn't understand the impact of their actions, and my perception was screwed because I didn't like myself back then. I love myself now and want to share the joy and be supportive by connecting, encouraging, and promoting a better mindset to attain happiness. If we continue to hang on to the negative, we never provide an opportunity to establish the positives. Forgiveness is an asset in your ability to cope. Shutting people out and never affording them the opportunity to do better will promote those negative memories rather than turning them around to make positive relationships.

[Sherrie Scharbrough 311]

This is a great post. So many of us struggle with the expectations of others. It sure gets easier as you become a whole person who cares about themselves and push the idea away that we aren't good enough. As we mature and become a person that accepts themselves as they are we will continue on the CRASH COURSE!!! Thank you for your post!! It really does put our lives where we are and can fight the negative memories. Also, in my case they ones that teased me ( mind you I weighedn 135 to 140#'s) in Jr and high school. But I was teased unmercifully the ones that did the most teasing aere now bald, and have gained so much weight. I often wonder if they think about how they treated others.

[PatientEleventyBillion 851]

High school taught me people are largely full of themselves and they care excessively what others think -- and I didn't have any weight problems then. There's no way I'm going back to nostalgia environment and longing for the days we were socially idiots -- having seen a bunch fellow classmates from high school before I moved to Canada, the kind of people that wanted to attend these things didn't seem to get over high school. I got my diploma, that's all I came for. University was far better anyways. I purposely missed my 10 year HS reunion (in 2010), guaranteed I'm not flying out to California in 2020 for my 20 year.

Edited June 13, 2017 by PatientEleventyBillion

[Nanette Adams, MEd, LPC 16]

1 hour ago, PatientEleventyBillion said:

High school taught me people are largely full of themselves and they care excessively what others think -- and I didn't have any weight problems then. There's no way I'm going back to nostalgia environment and longing for the days we were socially idiots -- having seen a bunch fellow classmates from high school before I moved to Canada, the kind of people that wanted to attend these things didn't seem to get over high school. I got my diploma, that's all I came for. University was far better anyways. I purposely missed my 10 year HS reunion (in 2010), guaranteed I'm not flying out to California in 2020 for my 20 year.

Sometimes for some people, it's not worth revisiting. I realized that I was blaming people who weren't at fault for a collective recollection of my own memory. Overall, I'm glad I forced myself outside of my comfort zone. I reconnected with some great friends and I am looking forward to visiting with them again soon. The few close college friends I still hang on to I'd go to the ends of the Earth for! I'm looking forward to visiting the best friend from college in August after she moves to Budapest next month!

[Nanette Adams, MEd, LPC 16]

2 hours ago, Sherrie Scharbrough said:

This is a great post. So many of us struggle with the expectations of others. It sure gets easier as you become a whole person who cares about themselves and push the idea away that we aren't good enough. As we mature and become a person that accepts themselves as they are we will continue on the CRASH COURSE!!! Thank you for your post!! It really does put our lives where we are and can fight the negative memories. Also, in my case they ones that teased me ( mind you I weighedn 135 to 140#'s) in Jr and high school. But I was teased unmercifully the ones that did the most teasing aere now bald, and have gained so much weight. I often wonder if they think about how they treated others.

I'm sure in the backs of their minds they wonder if it's karma! I abandoned those thoughts of "who got fat" or "he's bald" because I know what it feels like if I were in their shoes... I've had the humbling experience of having several of those people who teased me come to me and tell me how sorry they were and that they are happy to see how much I've done with my career to help people who struggle with their weight. It's a good feeling to be able to help in return. One of those guys actually came to me for advice to help his own child who struggles with his weight. I think most people feel remorse for how they acted when they were younger. My husband has admitted to me that he was one of those guys who wasn't nice to girls who weighed more than normal. He feels bad about that now that he understand the emotional impacts it has on the person. When we know better, we should do better.

[Alex Brecher 10,494]

Thanks so much, Nanette! So many people had less-than-ideal experiences in high school and have memories of being teased or ostracized or even just feeling bad because of our weight. Your approach is a brave and clever one to heal the ones. It is also a generous one, because there are probably classmates of yours who feel bad about how they treated you and to whom you gave the chance to feel better when they saw that you are not holding grudges.

You are also right that it helps to be 150 lbs lighter and feel self-confident when going bad to the reunion - maybe that can be extra motivation to get healthy! Thanks for your great article.