The last few weeks I've been seeing a lot of rude responses to posts........each time I saw one I wanted to respond and ask "WTH is your problem?"......but knew that would just add to the drama, and I think that's what those folks are seeking anyway......So I found this "Rant" section and decided this would be the place to express my low opinion of those posters that seem to think that name calling and talking down to people is the way to respond to posts on a support forum....I see this type of response most often from some of the long timers. I'm not going to name names, because I know you know who you are because it is obvious it is done intentionally.....My advice to those folks, is if you're no longer able to provide support without being sarcastic, maybe it's time you move on with your life and just leave the forum and find something you're good at......It's great to have long timers here that will share their experiences with newbies because it is priceless when shared appropriately.....but if you don't know how to do it in a way that is supportive, you're only being hurtful and may actually cause someone not to ask a future question for fear they will be attached for being stupid......

That's the end of my rant.............As Ellen says at the end of all her shows............"Be kind to one another"

@ thank you for your comments - and I had the same perspective when I started out, I WANTED to hear from people who had succeeded, failed and everything in between. I was inspired and informed.

Lets be clear - I have no interest in talking about other people behind their backs. I don't read most of the posts and really am not all that interested in that sort of thing. I am just tired of being constantly chastised as a "vet" and I don't actually understand WHY since I try to be supportive and share my perspectives. Not saying I am perfect, because I am not, but my intention is never to belittle or make people feel bad .... yet it seems that is the interpetation over and over again.

A few months ago I was chastised by someone who is new to the forums for posting a topic about dating musings in either the singles or venus and mars forums (don't recall). Among other things I was told it wasn't helpful to talk about non WLS related things. Well, IT IS TO ME. The way a lot of this reads, the only people who need support are newbies. I can imagine that 5 years later they might think differently. Maintaining massive weight loss and building a new lifestyle isn't exactly easy and I have relied on this forum for many years now for ongoing support in living the life I want and deserve.

A few months ago I was chastised by someone who is new to the forums for posting a topic about dating musings in either the singles or venus and mars forums (don't recall). Among other things I was told it wasn't helpful to talk about non WLS related things. Well, IT IS TO ME. The way a lot of this reads, the only people who need support are newbies. I can imagine that 5 years later they might think differently. Maintaining massive weight loss and building a new lifestyle isn't exactly easy and I have relied on this forum for many years now for ongoing support in living the life I want and deserve.

I wonder if they were posting from an iphone. when I use the app it doesn't show me the various forums. when I am on the computer I can see all the different places and topics you can post to. of course WLS affects *every single aspect* of our lives, and we need to be able to discuss them as well rounded people.

@@CowgirlJane

I completely agree with you...

As sleeved newbie, but not a wls newbie i have been on both ends...

So i give advice as a veteran of the band... but seek advice regarding the sleeve since i am only 7 weeks out.

I read many threads and am quite active... even though i don't post on everything. .. i reply to what is relevant to me or where i can provide assistance.. from my experience.

But, it seems that if you have a different opinion, or try to show a different perspective some people seem to get offended.

Majority of the time i find its people who ask something. .. wanting to have their opinion validated and when someone disagrees... they get all huffy about it.

Eg.... i ate a steak and i am 2 days post op.

A vetetan would say noooo thats dangerous for xyz reasons.... the poster then gets offended because the veteran wasn't being supportive!! How can someone be supportive of something dangerous???????

I think many "not being supportive" posts come from posters not hearing what they want to hear.. they want validation not advice

@

I really appreciate what you are saying and you are right...there are people here that will get offended by anything...but sometimes it is not open to interpretation. Sometimes it is right there smack in your face. Most of us like a good joke and a laugh, even the whiners. But a joke at someone elses expense, especially where people are scared, worried and going out of their head trying to wrap their brains around it all is never ok.

@@CowgirlJane

I am actually surprised anyone has taken offense to a comnent you have made. Obviously I have not read every post of yours but I have read many, and I have found you to be nothing but supportive and helpful. Your advice to others has helped me many times. Thank you!

A vetetan would say noooo thats dangerous for xyz reasons.... the poster then gets offended because the veteran wasn't being supportive!! How can someone be supportive of something dangerous???????

I think many "not being supportive" posts come from posters not hearing what they want to hear.. they want validation not advice

And then the offended person gets all huffy and starts calling people mean girls, bullies, snarky, etc. OR they start threads like this one. So counter productive and to be blunt, hypocritical. It seems it would be much better all around for the vets to stay out of the newbie forums and be in one where it's a bit "safer" to be one's self.

I know for a fact that many vets have left this forum for exactly this reason. Good, smart, intelligent people who are successful and maintaining at four, five and more years out. Thankfully, there are other places to talk to them. Those people matter, too.

No... i don't agree with plain old rudeness and name calling... if it is blantant and in your face... then no... its not okay.

Eg.. i just read a thread where someone is seeking advice over something that they can have early out.

The experienced people are like no, bad idea, follow your program and the poster then gets angry and berates them because they weren't helpful.... whaaaaaat? Lol

But a joke at someone elses expense, especially where people are scared, worried and going out of their head trying to wrap their brains around it all is never ok.

I say this will all due respect because I understand where you're coming from, but...

Sometimes people think they are being insulted/joked about/etc. and they aren't. That comes from the anxiety, stress and hormone changes. Wouldn't it be better just to ask the intent via the forum or private message? If someone says something I don't care for and it's important to me, I shoot them a message and ask. It's stopped a lot of misconceptions before they even started.

AussieGirl181

I have seen this exact thing myself multiple times and do not feel that the misinterpreted responder is any any way responsible for this... but...I have also seen another scenario where the responder is condicending and belittling and when the poster lashes back the responder says they were just giving tough love and the poster needs to put on their big girl panties. This helps no one. Except to maybe make the responder feel more superior. If you have never been a recipient of this behavior then you are lucky. I also have not yet been treated quite so poorly but I also have not asked all the questions I have or responded to many posts for fear that I may be next. I do not want to offend you or anyone else here and I hope I have not. I just want to ask thoughtful questions and receive thoughtful answers.

This could be fun, we could do the research for someone who hasn't, and do cut and paste answers and store on the veterans forum.

"Noob needs answer 3 please"

I will take it upon myself to start making some suggestions for team leaders to put together stock responses:

LipstickLady - snark, tattoos and piercings

VSGAnne2014 - tough love

Dub - Anything to do with grilling/smoking/all things meat

Sharon1964 - all things poli

It is a just a beginning, feel free to further hijack the thread

Sharon1964

Wait! My tattoos are minor... There are many that are much more qualified in that field.

Anywhoo...

I am still all for color coding response requests. Pink for warm and fuzzy only, red for blunt honesty, green for no advice needed -- just wants to vent, blue for patronizing and agreement...

IT REALLY COULD WORK!!

@@ridgerunner

No offense at all.... i see nothing wrong with healthy respectful discussion....

I just thought its time to show the other side... there seems to be a lot of veteran slamming at the moment by a few select people... and others are jumping on that bandwagon... i thought its time for others to see the other side....

I believe that everyone is entitled to their opinion, and on a forum you can choose to take advice or not. .. at the end of the day... they are words on a screen from people who don't know you... so i do not take everything said as gold.

I take personal responsibility for my health, my life and my thoughts...and will research, double check and ask my surgeon if i am unsure about something.

If i do receive advice, i take it.. double check the facts.. then implement it if it is correct .. what works for one person may not work for another.

One can not rely soley on a forum for their medical advice... thats a dangerous road to take.

In relation to you not posting because you are afraid... don't be... feel free to.. there will always be someone in your corner to defend you if someone is being an ass ????

@@OKCPirate

What about me???!!! Pick me! Pick me!

Can i be the "had the band now the sleeve" guru?????

@@ridgerunner

Guess that is the nature of forums isn't it?

There will always be trolls, there will always be differences of opinions and there will always be people who take things the wrong way...

Its all about interpretation... what someone may see as sarcasm, another will see it as a joke. So regardless of what is said... someone is always bound to feel like a victim

This is a debate that will never be won, because every person is different and interprets things differently....

I just hope that people can relax a little and not make this a forum where everyone just whines and supports and enables each other... i do not want to come to a forum where i am scared to crack a joke because i might offend someone... i want to laugh too!!

THIS. I'm a semi vet (2.5 years out) and have almost stopped answering most questions bc my answers may be considered mean/sarcastic/whatever. It works both ways. Some vets don't bother answering because the responses to their answers will be analyzed, rehashed and critiqued

@@LipstickLady

PMing someone who you believe may have slighted you is a great idea. It would probably stop a lot of train wrecks before they happen. Who knows, maybe people are already doing this and we would see many more battles if they weren't? No way to know since it's private Lol.

However, and I say this also with the upmost respect to you, I have seen you involved in, and involve yourself in, decidely not private battles. I am not saying this to call you out or to judge you. I hope that I do not offend you by saying this. Please do not hold it against me. I have read many of your posts and you have been a real inspiration to me.