Too Fat To Fly

[LizzieBeezWax 52]

Everyone who knows me knows how close I am to my mom. She is my sounding board, my confidant, my cheerleader.

For as long as I remember she’s told me: “All I want is for you to spread your wings fly.” She’s wanted me to fly, told me to fly, done all she can to help me fly.

Before, I didn’t realize how out of control I was – of my life, of my destiny, of my world, and of the world around me. I did not realize how little, we as people, have control of. I didn’t realize how very young I was compared to how old I felt.

I did not realize it Before. Not until After did I understand life makes us no promises. I did not realize that nothing last forever – not really. In my wide-eyed, naiveté I did not realize the fragility of life and of people – not really. I didn’t understand (truly understand) that strongest of us fall. That othing last forever.

That came into sharp focus on November 14, 2014.

In September 2014, I was 24-years-old and over 300 pounds. I wasn’t happy, but I wasn’t miserable. I was cute, but I was safe. I was the funny one, the extrovert, the wingman to skinnier, prettier friends. I was comfortable. I was invisible. I was fun in social situations. I could laugh at myself – or lash out if I needed to.

I had job I enjoyed, family and friends I loved, and I had just started graduate school. My life was going somewhere. I was going somewhere.

My heart was shattered on September 28, 2014. My father was rushed to the hospital for pneumonia. Or so I thought.

“I have lung cancer,” he told me. His voice shook in a very un-Frank Meyer way. But cancer is not something that would happen to my family. It would only happen to others less fortunate than I. By the time he died sex weeks later, we knew it had spread to his brain and his bones. He had one treatment and never got out of bed.

I did not realize before the black, acidic six-letter word left his mouth how out of control I was. Not until I was helping my 62-year-old mother care for my dying father in home hospice. Not until I watched him deteriorate of the course of 6 weeks, while attending school at night and working full-time. Not until finally watching him die 3 days after my 25th birthday. Not until I heard the faceless ghosts leave my home with the shell of what used to be my father in a bag at eleven at night. Not until I truly lost what was important – something I could never get back – did I understand.

Before my world was pulled from under me I had considered weight loss surgery, though never seriously.

Monday, December 29th, 2014, I had my first appointment.

“I want you to fly,” my mother told me. But I was too fat to fly.

Because even in grief, I was furious with my father. He was my rock, my constant – but he was not a healthy person. He ate poorly his entire life and he smoked for forty years (two thirds of his). Even today, I am hurt and angry that for eleven years of my life he chose to slowly kill himself.

At no point did he look at me – his daughter and only child – and think I was worth more than these choices? Did the food and the cigarettes mean more to him than I did?

Rationally, I understand my dad did not abandon me. But he is not here.

Rationally, I understand that I am now 26, an adult and in control of my future. But there are times when I am 5 years old and begging him to come back.

My father was 66 when he passed. I never thought of 33 as being middle-aged.

At 25, I was not going to by middle-aged at 12.

July 20, 2015 I had gastric sleeve surgery.

There are things in this world worth fighting for. My own health is work fighting for. My own happiness is worth fighting for.I am worth fighting for

“I want you to fly,” my mother told me. And I know now my feet will never touch the ground again.

Edited June 6, 2016 by LizzieBeezWax

[Bobbieswife 95]

@@LizzieBeezWax. This is so beautiful. You have definitely earned your wings. You will fly forever!

Sent from my SM-G920T using the BariatricPal App

[Read2016 658]

Well written and very touching... I lost my dad five years ago at 88, he too was my rock so I can relate...

"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them"

Einstein

[LipstickLady 25,682]

You will fly like the greatest angel. I have no doubt.

[KristenLe 5,980]

@@LizzieBeezWax Wow! You are an incredible writer. I'm so sorry about your Dad. I hope you know now that he's with you on your flight - and so very proud of you!

[UsernameTaken 283]

Great post!sp very sorry for your loss:( I have a close relative that chooses to smoke even though he takes a handful of meds twice a day and has diabetes but he refuses to quit. It hurts me to see this because I feel it's selfish that he doesn't care that he will leave his family way earlier before its time and her nothing I can do about it.

I am sorry he is not here for you, I lost my dad in 1999 to pancreatic cancer, I was daddy's girl... Even though many years have passed I still miss him lots and wish he was here.

Hang in there dear, your beautiful wings are growing

[Dub 10,070]

Powerful post !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are gonna soar.

Heck...you have me flapping my wings a bit after reading your excellent post. Thank you !!!!

[LizzieBeezWax 52]

Thanks everyone! Your support means the world...

[heidikat72 935]

Beautiful post and very well written...and all too familiar, I lost my dad to cancer in 2013.

[chrisredjeep 357]

Wonderful post really touched my heart thank you for posting