I feel like my partner isn't even trying to eat better

[LipstickLady 25,682]

Even if he didn't have surgery, if he cared and supported her, he could change his eating habits. When I have low carbed in the past my friends and family joined in to support me, because they love me.

At worst he is trying to sabotage her, at best he doesn't really care about her or her health.

WLS patients and fat people give people too many chances. That is why we have a new thread every day about people having their feelings hurt by their co-workers, friends, family, etc. People let others treat them poorly, missing all the little signs along the way that these people don't care about you.

I love you but I disagree. My husband is naturally thin. As I grew fatter, he didn't eat more so that he would be just as miserable as I was.

When I tried losing, he didn't change his eating habits to accommodate my weight watchers attempts, my jenny who attempts, my Adkins attempts, etc.

Why should he?

He loved me fat or thin, he just wanted me to be happy. He never talked to me about what was on my plate, what fast food wrappers were in the trash or what junk food I put in my basket. Why is it ok to do that to him?

[Sajijoma 1,324]

It has been 2 months since my surgery and all of my eating habits have changed for the better. Sometimes I do slip up but my body quickly reminds me EAT HEALTHIER! My boyfriend however is eating worse and worse everyday, It is already a struggle to say no temptation and so it's even more difficult when he's eating all the foods I cannot everyday. Am I just being a brat because I can't have it and he can?

I don't think you are being a brat. Right after my surgery, my husband went on an epic eating crap binge and put on almost 80lbs eating all the things he used to moan and groan about me buying. My first few months after surgery were sheer hell watching him eat a train wreck of Cookies, candy, ice cream, doughnuts, ice cream and fried foods galore chased with soda all the time. It was hard to watch and I would tell him "that's how I got here in the first place" but he wouldn't listen. Fast forward 6 months and he just had his checkup and he's not doing well. Everything is elevated and his doctor wants him to lose the 80lbs ASAP plus the baggage he had before and adopt basically my eating style-low carb, Protein and not too much fat(except good fats). I just want him to be healthy, but now that we are in a colon cancer scare waiting to find out if it is or isn't, he's finally decided if he makes it through unscathed that he will turn it around and start caring again. We have healthy food in the house now always, we own a ton of exercise equipment(thanks tax return!) and videos and even have a room that is semi dedicated for exercise (it's also the storage room in our basement) but it's cool in the summer and private so you don't have to feel like you are being watched by all the eyes in the house and as long as someone is watching the little ones, I actually get time to myself now. I spend 2hrs a day down there working on me, but during the hours he's home, it's always free(unless my teenager is in there but usually she does her workouts during the daytime). Anyway, I kind of got distracted a bit, but my point is, you can try to lead by example, but you can't make him do it anymore than he could have made you lose weight or exercise. You have to want it for yourself. Just keep pressing the "how good I feel now that I exercise and eat better" and hopefully he'll come around on his own without having to have a crisis to scare him into it like mine.

[jess9395 5,448]

With respect and props to all the replies...

The only person you can control is you.

The only person who has to live your life is you.

Is his behavior a deal breaker for you? If it is, move along. If it isn't, deal with it and don't complain.

Dating is a time to assess whether he's the one. If your "one" supports you in a particular way, then he isn't it. If your "one" is wonderful in many ways but his eating style challenges you, then keep him.

But don't expect him to change. He is who he is.

For me, I'm personally in the why the heck should my husband and kids change? They are healthy and fit. We have eliminated a few bad eating habits from the house--mostly soda, but my son still has one or two a week when he's out--more fresh foods and less processed just because that's what I cook. But I prepare potatoes and rice and Pasta and other things I don't eat.

But if the support in the form of eating change is important to you, that's your right! You just need to factor that into your choice of partner. Chose one that wants to support you in that way.

[Foxy_lady 22]

@@Valentina Thank you so much, I really appreciate all posts especially this one. Prayers and blessings your way.

You need to have WLS for only one person---yourself. For yourself, a gift from yourself, Love--yourself.

That takes a great deal on inner strength, but to have WLS for any other reason is asking for turmoil along your entire journey.

Hopefully the BF will acknowledge your commitment and be not only supportive, but respectful to your decision to travel down the WLS path.

When he isn't, we are and always will be here to listen. Sometimes that is all any of us needs---some one to just listen.

We are here for you, Friend---and we're listening.

Prayers going up for you.

[Foxy_lady 22]

@@jess9395 I agree with you, he told me he would support me and now he has completely changed. He's upset I'm losing the weight so fast.

With respect and props to all the replies...

The only person you can control is you.

The only person who has to live your life is you.

Is his behavior a deal breaker for you? If it is, move along. If it isn't, deal with it and don't complain.

Dating is a time to assess whether he's the one. If your "one" supports you in a particular way, then he isn't it. If your "one" is wonderful in many ways but his eating style challenges you, then keep him.

But don't expect him to change. He is who he is.

For me, I'm personally in the why the heck should my husband and kids change? They are healthy and fit. We have eliminated a few bad eating habits from the house--mostly soda, but my son still has one or two a week when he's out--more fresh foods and less processed just because that's what I cook. But I prepare potatoes and rice and Pasta and other things I don't eat.

But if the support in the form of eating change is important to you, that's your right! You just need to factor that into your choice of partner. Chose one that wants to support you in that way.

[Foxy_lady 22]

@@Sajijoma I always tell him let's eat healthy together I promise you'll feel better! But he goes back to his old ways in no time soon, I did tell him last night though we can do this together, since I'm noticing his eating habits are getting worse and worse. He agreed and said he will actually try.

[Foxy_lady 22]

@@LipstickLady We've always tried to lose weight together, it was just me that took it a step further and actually kept up with my weight loss. I've never criticized what he ate, just ask him to eat healthy with me. I would never take the yummy food away , I just bring in the healthy food and he is upset because the chips are no longer in the house.

[Foxy_lady 22]

@@OutsideMatchInside

Post op he wanted to stop for food...I gave him the look and he just kept driving. He was upset but I explained we have to start now or else we are always going to be stuck and never lose weight. But I am noticing he is getting more upset since I keep going food shopping and I'm not buying junk food anymore.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

@@OutsideMatchInside

Post op he wanted to stop for food...I gave him the look and he just kept driving. He was upset but I explained we have to start now or else we are always going to be stuck and never lose weight. But I am noticing he is getting more upset since I keep going food shopping and I'm not buying junk food anymore.

Not to say that he "should" be bringing home junk, but why in the world "should" he be upset if you don't buy it. If he wants it so bad he can go buy his own.

[Read2016 658]

She is enabling his behavior....

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

[Clarevoyant 347]

Losing weight and having WLS is such a personal choice. You were ready, he clearly is not and you can't will him to be ready. Think about how you reacted when people tried to push you before you were ready.

Having said that, your life is going to change drastically for the better. More energy, more confidence etc. you are going to want to do things to enjoy this new life that you didn't before because it was too hard or because you didn't have the energy. If he is not in a position to do that with you it is going to put a tremendous strain in your relationship and it sounds like he realized this before you did this was not on board with your surgery.

I wish you the best of luck in working this out.

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

[LipstickLady 25,682]

@@LipstickLady We've always tried to lose weight together, it was just me that took it a step further and actually kept up with my weight loss. I've never criticized what he ate, just ask him to eat healthy with me. I would never take the yummy food away , I just bring in the healthy food and he is upset because the chips are no longer in the house.

Well, that's a different story. He can buy his own damn junk food!!

[smg 471]

I wouldn't say you're being a brat about this, but I don't think you can or should control what those around you eat (or don't eat).

Yes, things would be easier if my wife and kids didn't eat foods that I cannot eat, but I would never dream of asking them not to. They didn't need the surgery, I did. It wasn't their fault that I got as big as I did, it was mine and mine alone. My life is my responsibility and I refuse to blame my issues on those around me, just as I refuse to hold those around me responsible for my success or failure moving forward.

This is my journey, and just because they are eating foods that I can't doesn't mean they don't support me. In fact, they have been my absolute rocks as far as support goes. They have been "mindful" of what they eat around be, especially in the beginning, but I would never expect them to do that long-term. They also do their best to try new, healthier foods, and they do that for me.

Support and encouragement are something you should expect from your family, but for them to make complete life-altering changes because it's easier for you is not fair to them...or to you for that matter. You are going to be exposed to foods you cannot or should not eat. Hiding from that at home doesn't make it go away.

Remember what you went through to get to the point where you could give up these foods, and then think about this: why would you have gone through it all if it were as easy as "just deciding" to give those foods up? Your significant other, so long as they aren't reveling in the fact that you cannot or are choosing not to eat these foods, is really doing nothing other than what they've probably always done.

Your best bet is to focus on what you can (and should) control, and that's you! Stay strong, and fight the urges....best of luck!

[smg 471]

@@LipstickLady We've always tried to lose weight together, it was just me that took it a step further and actually kept up with my weight loss. I've never criticized what he ate, just ask him to eat healthy with me. I would never take the yummy food away , I just bring in the healthy food and he is upset because the chips are no longer in the house.

Still, right now you need to focus on you and you alone. During the "honeymoon period", you have the opportunity to train YOUR body and re-train yourself on making better food choices. Don't let the actions of others "muddy the waters" on your own journey. Focus on you...the example you set and the changes you make will become evident and when he sees the changes with his own eyes, he may come to the conclusion you want him to on his own

[Rogofulm 2,440]

Wow! @@Babbs is killin' it with her tough love. And she's absolutely right. This is your gig, and yours alone. You need to learn to control yourself under all circumstances. Whether he is trying to sabotage you is a character issue that you'll have to figure our how to deal with (or not - get my drift?). But what goes into your mouth is entirely your responsibility. The tips you're getting about staying away from tempting foods are spot on. Just ignore them, even when they're right under your nose. I know that's hard, but the longer you resist, the easier it gets - honest! Good luck!