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I love it when Babbs posts

In response to some of the comments, I learned never to care about how someone looks by a mother who was way ahead of her time, people can say they are not superficial, but sometimes the perfect falls under be careful what you wish for, I would rather have a healthy loving relationship with a 300lb woman, as opposed to spending 6 hours in a ER with a friend who had her arm broken in 3 places by her "perfect" man, true story, I married my wife because I felt her in heart and soul not in my eyes, if my wife were to become very ill or worse I would stand by her, I work in a psych facility and had some heartbreaking stories told to me like the 63 yo sweetheart who lost her " perfect" husband after 25 yrs because she had to have a double breast removal after cancer and a tumor were found, so be careful what you wish for, love because someone makes you happy not because they are yummy

Edited by laguerr13

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I think part of it is attitude. I don't have any problems dating or making friends. I understand in certain cultures men may be more accepting of "curvy gals". I know personally I would never not date a guy because he was fat. I've never been into cutes-y guys. I am about personalities. I see and hear from many women who are chubby that they feel embarrassed. I don't. I like me and while I like myself enough to also want to be the be healthy, I am not ashamed of my fat thighs or big belly. I've always been active and outgoing and I've always been into fashion and makeup. I'm not looking for the mate for life so the dating scene is fine by me. I also know many single women who are not only thin, but down right skinny. Trust me weight is not the hindrance to dating.

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I understand your frustrations and I used to have the same attitude but the bottom line is don't worry about or try to analyze things you cannot change and have no control over. It is ridiculous that people devalue obese people and think they are less than but as they say it is what it is. My friend had the surgery in September and told me it's not only men but women treat her differently and SHE IS STILL THE SAME PERSON. They are more respectful of her, they listen to her, etc. We don't have to like it, but in my opinion, we have almost no choice but to accept it.

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No, its not "fair" that others treat you different when you're slim, but you cant control how others think, unfortunately. Im sure when you picked out your favorite shirt, house , car , puppy etc you picked out the most attractive one didn't you ? That wasn't being shallow, that was going for the one that you liked best. I do think when you lose weight and start feeling good , you send out "good vibes " and radiate self confidence . Maybe thats why others are suddenly attracted to you ? Just a thought !!

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It's true life isn't "fair" people will treat you different when your thinner rather than heavier you can't control what they say only how you react to it many ppl co workers so called friends family members have all treated me terribly and are now being nicer since I've been losing weight now I'm suddenly an acceptable person again I react to this by keeping the relationship at arms length after all that the way they decided they wanted it when I was too fat for their liking I'm polite and I do not bring up how they treated me or behaved but I do not forget it and will not allow that into my life

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@@Dahlia : actually we didn't get the best house on the block because we wanted one with character and nooks and crannies, and our dog and cat were from a shelter because they were abandoned, thinking that people like what you like is just an assumption, fortunately my wife is as crazy as I am and thinks outside the box ........that is all

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One of my bariatric guy pals brought this up to me last night. He is finding that people at work that would not give him the time of day now want to be friends and meet up after work. Understand this guy has always been out going with a great laugh and smile.He makes everyone around him feel comfortable and welcome..

I can see both sides of this argument. We change our personality, We have our wall down. We are positive and excited about life. We are still getting responses and reactions from strangers. Both male and female. That have never seen or talk to us before? It seems to be both appearance and the inside change.

I have no chip on my shoulder about this. I'm actually just finding it interesting. I am married to a good man. But I look and appreciate a good looking man.

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I had to talk to my therapist/ friend at work even before surgery, I was always outgoing and not shy at all, in fact sometimes disgustingly outlandish, but I began to think of how it would feel if all of a sudden people wanted to be my friend or talk to me, people that had never even given me a second glance, she told me it would more than likely happen and how I handled it was a coin toss, sure enough I was at the gym this week and a woman I had seen there numerous times glanced at me several times and finally walked over and said "your really looking great" then proceeded to ask if I had a work out partner, (she was flirting and wasn't shy about it), I was very polite and said I didn't think my wife would appreciate me having her as a work out partner and I was better at what I was doing on my own, but inside I was was having two very basic instincts that were pulling at me, Anger that she chose to talk to me now, and grief for my previous self, a person I learned to life early on, and was almost gone now, I haven't been able to work in almost two months but I am going to text my therapist and let her know what happened, I don't want to burden her yet since her girlfriend just underwent major back surgery, I find it pathetic that I have to feel this way when I meet new people and wish that I felt more humble, the women thing has no effect on me since I married a very beautiful exotic woman, and I was 355lbs when we married, my friends I chose over the years are fiercely loyal, but I don't want to turn away a potentially great friend because of my attitude..............

Edited by laguerr13

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Shallow?

Nope. I don't see it that way.

We like what we like, and we need what we need. Nobody should have to apologize for that. You certainly can't negotiate sexual or interpersonal interest.

And entering a significant relationship or choosing a marriage partner (or even just hooking up with someone) requires us to evaluate a lot of factors about the candidates available to us and how easy those factors would be to accommodate ourselves to. A lot of forces and factors are at play that control our likes, dislikes and just plain reactions to people.

First of all, obesity in a long-term partner brings introduces a pack of potential issues: short- and long-term health, mobility, socializing, child-bearing, child-rearing, financial stability, and a host of other things.

For example, at my age (69) I see people of middle- and older age who are single (widowed, divorced) making mating choices based on candidates' health behaviors. Does he/she smoke? If they have stopped smoking, for how long (and how much) did they smoke? Do they drink? Do they drink too much? Do they have a cancer history? Do they come from a family with a cancer history?

Then there are other issues: What's their financial situation? If they're divorced, what's their relationship with their ex? If they have children, how old are they, what are the person's financial and time obligations to and relationships with their children? Do any of their children have serious problems or "failure to launch" issues? Are they neatniks? Are they slobs? Are they tightwads? Are they spendthrifts? Do they like to party? To read? To eat out? To socialize? To go hear live music? Are they religious? Are they tolerant on social issues? What are their politics? Do they enjoy traveling abroad? Do they cruise? Are they outdoors people or campers? Do they prefer hotel staycations? Are they fashion-conscious?

And those are just a few of the issues that grown-ups think about. ;) Younger people may not focus on so many issues, but they'd probably be better off if they did.

Partnering compatibility is a very complex calculation. So if someone doesn't want you when you're obese, that doesn't equate to me that they're shallow. I think it simply means you two aren't compatible and might not ever be compatible, no matter what you weighed.

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I was lucky to find a man who loved me at all my various sizes. I was a size 18 on our wedding day and he thought I looked beautiful. And just so you don't feel those guys aren't out there, I got married at 36. ☺ There is a whole story about having the word "spinster" on my marriage license. But that is probably best for another thread. .

One thing I will share is an experience in college that reminded me it isn't just others seeing a thin person and treating them different, although I will say it will happen. You will change too. In college I put on weight by my senior year. ( Size 16). No dates! Nothing but guy "friends". One day I was in a particularly good mood and was more open and even a little flirty. Wow, the attention I got. I noticed guys and they responded. My size hadn't changed, my attitude did! I suspect that when you start to lose weight you will feel more confident and sexy. Guys will be responding to that as well. . Just remember to be open and love will find you. The right guy will love you for what is inside even if he is first attracted to what is outside.

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I'm sorry VSGANN but by that thinking I would have had to make amenities and provisions that provided for me to be able to leave my wife in case of cancer, terminal illness, or disabling accident, no one knows what life is gonna hand them, have you ever had a psychic call you and say" I know you need me"? Exactly, looking at variables as the ones you mention in obese people and how problems can be encountered from them doesn't take into account the changes of life, I've seen many a "Perfect"people who go on to have cancer, leukemia, PTSD, so what? As Darwin once said "yes that is monkey my friend.............today"

Edited by laguerr13

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I'm sorry VSGANN but by that thinking I would have had to make amenities and provisions that provided for me to be able to leave my wife in case of cancer, terminal illness, or disabling accident, no one knows what life is gonna hand them, have you ever had a psychic call you and say" I know you need me"? Exactly, looking at variables as the ones you mention in obese people and how problems can be encountered from them doesn't take into account the changes of life, I've seen many a "Perfect"people who go on to have cancer, leukemia, PTSD, so what? As Darwin once said "yes that is monkey my friend.............today"

Nope, never had a psychic call me and say, "I know you need me."

But if they did I'm pretty sure I'd hang up the phone. ;)

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???? Touché love you Ann, really good when you post, I did get something positive from your post, just not totally in agreement but I'm glad we don't argue like some of these endless posts lol

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@VSGANN is dead on right on this. I recently read a couple of books about mate selection (Sex at Dawn and Why Women Have Sex) and women in particular do look for all sorts of subtle clues unconsciously about men. Hip to waist ratio, body symmetry. When they are attracted, how a guy smells becomes important to a woman, because this gives clues to his overall health and genes. This has nothing to do with "he's a nice person" these are all things we don't think about. These are things in our DNA to help with keeping the species going. It's not personal, it's really instinctual.

The other side is your "danger" signal when someone appears to be a threat. These are all subtle unconscious things we do. It is a great blessing when someone finds the right person and has a great connection at a spiritual level. But that is rare, if we are lucky, maybe one or two people in our lives will have that deep of bond with us. But for the average person we know or bump into, the attraction cues are more important and body shape plays into it.

​To me this is fascinating stuff.

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Interesting, I have read several books in Kinesics and find that you can easily manipulate conversations, people and outcomes just by body language, problem is some people are naturally better at it, while others learn it, I used words and as the youngsters say, I had game back in the day, I do remember to tell my wife how lucky I am to have her and that I love her, every single day, after 8 years it's amazing that we argue maybe once every 3 or 4 months, and not a single one is about us lol

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