Good evening all, im new here and not sure i posted in the right place but figured id give it a go, I really need some 'spousal support' here....im the fiance to be exact, however. I apOlogize in advance, as this will be long...My fiance had sleeve in November 2014, though I am extremely proud of him, as he is doing amazing and recovery went smoothly and all, despite him being down 92 pounds already, im having a lot of struggles and the pre and post-op stuff and its really effecting our relationship when it arises. When were good, were solid, when were bad, im more depressed than ever. To sum up the timeline; he struggled with the decision for surgery for about 2.5 yrs or so, basically since I had met him. Obviously his weight was no issue for me, ive struggled with my weight all of my life, as well. In fact, ive always been attracted to husky guys but he was the largest man i ever dated and i fell completely in love! I fell in love with him as a big man and love him regardless, its the changes and obsessions im concerned about (i'll get to that). Prior to his decision, we talked a lot about it and though i always told him if he chose to do so, id spport him, i was against it solely because in the time ive been with him, hes never seen anything through when it came to his weight, even though hed see great results! Prior to me meeting him, he did a medical weight loss program consisting mainly of shakes and lost about 110lbs, but gained it all back once he came off the shakes, coupled with some depression from a breakup and such. Post us meeting, i was about 25lbs smaller than i am now, which obviously bothers me, but again a struggle all my life...i was still however going to the gym, eating right, following tools from weight watchers etc. After some time of us being together, he would speak of wanting to lose weight, we talked about how having a buddy is helpful, etc, so id invite him to the gym with me, invite him to weight watcher meetings, etc. he would never come, so after a few weeks i figured he really wasnt into it and i stopped inviting. After some time, our relationship got more serious, i stopped getting to the gym as much bc wed want to spend more time togeher but that also equalled us going out to dinner more, staying in, being less active, etc. hence the start of my 25lb weight gain and him gaining more as well. With all of that being said.....he met with a surgeon in August/September and HE made a decision to have the surgery. He never spoke to me about it, as he had in the past, and when hed mention it wed fight bc id remind him that ill support it but i was worried he was having surgery and wished he would have at least talked to me before making the devision, and/or TRIED something first and seen it through;, tried the medical program again, a support type program like WW etc as he had previously done them and saw results but never saw them thru. I had reminded him i had gained weight since we met and i had begun working on that, maybe it was something we can try to do together before he decided on surgery. Initally he said no, then suddenly came home (he moved in with me in August, as well) one day and informed me he had joined weight watchers and was going to go to a group that week....i told him that was great and immediately took out all the materials i had previously gotten from family members that we could use (with the hope hed eventually want to try this route with me), picked up my food scale from my parents home, support guides, calculators, etc. and let him know i was all in for us to do it together. In addition, since we were now living together, i again began inviting him to the gym with me...nothing came of the gym or ww. After some time, little fights here and there about food, him effecting my eating habits, preventing me from going to the gym (id say i want to go after work, hed plan an activity or wanna go out to dinner, etc) and basically him binging all the time since he had made his decision, and my concerns for his health. Shortly thereafter again he returned home this time having went through with a new surgeon and now awaiting a surgery date. I was beyond devestated and angry! I felt he completely disregarded my concerns he knew of for him having this and even though i disagreed, its like he refused to even let me be part of his decision meanwhile i felt here i am trying to encourage you, in a different capacity, but encourage none the less BEFORE jumping to surgery. Not to mention, we now share bills but I was covering them all for about 4 months, as he is in debt and im not and i told him being i own my apartment and its my mortgage id carry that until were married and give him 3 mos before hed start paying his portion of monthly bills for the home,so he can try to pay off more debt first...he couldnt save money to pay help pay OUR bills but here he was setting up to have another bill for surgery, while were still paying off his eye surgery, student loan, car, etc in the midst of me carrying all of the household bills, saving for a wedding, etc and he makes significantly more money than me. Maybe financially this wasnt the time but we never even talked about it in definitive means, at all. Dont get me wrong, ive told him time and time agan, his weight was never an issue for me, but his health absolutely was! He is 30 yrs old with diabetes in his family and already on meds for high blood pressure. I digress....he chose the gastric sleeve and though i still disagreed with surgery, did feel it was his best option, which helped me a little...pre-op he was on a liquid diet for 2 weeks and lost 27lbs. I prepared everything for him, spent hours after work at night reading all of the materials from the doctors, etc. we'd fight, but moreover now bc i felt he didnt ask the doctor pertinent information, he rushed into a decision, hes gullable to begin with and i felt like he never told me anything unless i asked....i never even knew when his appointments were for all the pre testing! So, i joined an online forum and read endless at work, at home, when i couldnt sleep, etc. though i spoke to him about all of my concerns, he only seems to focus on my concern of him eventually no longer being attracted to me once hes skinny and feeling different about himself, since im not skinny and currently larger than when we met (minus 10lbs ive recently lost...im 5'0 170lbs, not huge but thick))...he doesnt seem to hear that one concern is more deep rooted and doesnt directly correlate to his surgery, but moreover some changes in him ive seen since he moved in with me and since he made a decision to have the surgery. Regardless, he believes what he will despite how i try to argue what my actual feeling/thought is. November came, i broke down the night before his surgery about not wanting him to go in, afraid he hasnt thought his through, wont wake up, wanted a quick fix, etc. His surgery thankfully went great, as did his recovery and he is now down 92lbs since November....i am extremely proud of him and think he looks great! Here are my concerns, one he has become obsessed with weighing himself daily. His attitude towards me has seemed to change completely as if i have no opinion on anything esp his new journey but it pours into household decisions, wedding plans, etc. he asks me my thoughts/feelings but then argues when im honest or he walks away. he cannot go a single day without mentioning how skinny he looks, his surgery, etc. im running out of responses wuthout being robotic or sarcastic. We walk in a store, he sees a mirror and stops or disengages bc hes looking at himself. we have countless convos about his food choices and when i try to make him realize portion control and helathier decisions is focus, not restriction he argues with me and we get in a huge fight, but when he eats something he considers bad or off diet (a food hes restricted or whatnot), he justifies it. He eats much of the same stuff and ive told him im concerned hell get bored and binge, hell argue me, then last week is complainiing hes bored of his food. He already obviously eats small portions and was up to about 6oz per sitting however went to the doctor today and because hes ahead of the game in his recovery, the doctor wants him to restrict more food and eat smaller portions yet intially told him kt was okay to increase if he felt hungry, but not if he felt satisfied. He is a big boned guy, built like a football player and very broad. I have grave conerns the his surgeon has convinced him to get to this magic number of 230lbs and not only do i think it is unhealthy but i also think hell be way too small. Not to mention, my fiances magic number went from 250 to now 220! I try to let him know theres no magic number, so long as he is happy, healthy and maintains his improvements in choices and such, its about him being comfortable, healthy and hapoy with himself, not a number on a chart! he argues me. Its like i cannot have an opinion on anything when it comes to this....every step of the way i feel he shuns me out, disregards my concerns etc. theres days i think he thinks i dont want him to be successful but its moreover i dont want him to be excessive and put weight back on, as he has time and time again, he has a trainer now, for 2 months after being cleared there was an issue with his training sessions, i told him lets still go to the gym together. He wouldnt, he relied on waiting on the trainer. He claimed hed go to the gym 6 days a week, i encourgaed him to start with 2-3 days and work to more or slowly Increase to keep himself with a goal thats attainable and maintable over time, fights break out. But yet he only goes to tge gym 2 maybe 3 times a week. Now, when we have days off together, we go to the gym together, he works with the trainer i dont, as we couldnt afford the trainer to begin with for one of us, let alone 2, so i told him he can do it. But i ask him to teach me things hes learning from the trainer or ask about stuff i can do (they know he comes to sessions with his fiance) and its like he purposely never wants to share with me. Many times, he makes comments like 'have that cookie for me', 'have some pizza for me'....its like he wants me to gain as he loses, sabotage me butne remains successful meanwhile he knows i struggle with weight loss to begin with, too. I tried to talk to him tonight, after he told me his doc wants him eating less and another fight broke out....he tells me 'its my freakin body' after i explained to him i was upset bc i feel like he asks why im upset but doesnt want to hear it and im upset bc im worried hes not necessarily being healthy if hes eating even less, considering he doesnt eat much because of the surgery. I tried telling bim that i understand its coming from a doctor but it also seems the doctor has an ideal weight for you that may not be individualized for you. He yelled at me and walked away. In the past ive tried explaining to him, at my smallest i was 19lbs above the american standard, but i looked sick and my family was ready to admit me for an eating disorder. Ive tried telling him that in my opinion, the standards do not take into consideration someones body type and how they carry their weight, its just a mathematical number. Ive told him that i really wish hed not focus on this magic number and focus on making healthy decisions and being active and how great i think he looks now, down almost 100lbs. He always starts a fight about it. Im beyond spent! I go to his support groups, when i can get there on time since its a 2-hour commute for me, from work....im one of the only people there as a support and they offer the support/spouses no support....so i go for him but i feel i have nowhere to take out my frustrations or talk about them. I truly believe in talking about things, or even fighting so long as theres resolution, being able to get things out rather than let things build up but he walks away from me.....when it comes to family and friends, i dont talk to them because i feel its 1- unfair to divulge his/our personal business and 2- unfair to let them know these struggles and how its effecting US because were engaged and i dont want anyone discouraging his weight loss or swaying us to rethink our marriage because of it. I absluetly feel we can work it out but im lost for what to do. I feel like i have nowhere to go, he wont talk to me or hear my concerns, he wont ask his doctors about my concerns just acts like their word is gold....so when he asks me why im upset and i try to tell him and it causes a fight, i later let him know you ask me but dont want to hear anything from me, you only seem truly concerned about what your doctor says and a degree doesnt make him anymore important than me. I tried telling him today, im not angry but what hurts and bothers me is he doesnt seem to care when he asks me, he asks to say he asked. Next to all of this, prior to him deciding on his surgery and having it, i began eating better and getting back to the gym. I suffer from a thyroid disease and ceased metabolism, and therfor struggle like crazy to lose weight and tone up. But of course, i easily gain. Regardless, i didnt have surgery so my weight loss will be muuuuuuch slower than his. He has never seemed to support me with losing weight and toning, but is quick to critisize my gym routine (i usually go 2-4 times a week...before he didnt care, now he contantly tells me i should go more), , i eat too little sometimes or no at all, etc. He knows ive been trying, making better decisions, encouraging him to stay on track etc, he will want to go get forzen yogurt, ill say no, hell convince me, then tell me im such a horrible support for him. He'll 'cheat' at home but in front of friends and family, eats like a bird, as if hes showing off but so far, will always eat later on when we get home! I have a feeling he told his doctor his eating has been worse than it actually has been bc some days hes very hard on himself and some days hes very reasonable and sees this is a process and journey and not every day will be great but it doesnt mean hes failing. I dont think his surgery entails him not eating. It entails him learning moderation and such, at least everything i read and have hard has said so. I shared with him one day MY excitement of how a coworker made a comment about me losing weight and looking 'brighter' and he got mad, telling me he tells me all the time....he has never once told me hes noticed ive lost weight, and ive now lost about 13lbs in total. In fact, its been quite some time since hes seemed to even notice me, period! I can walk past him naked and it doesnt phase him. I can tell him i lost another pound or 2, he barely responds to me. Ive explained these things to him, as well, as more examples of how things between US have changed since he moved in/made this decision and how the decision was going to effect us both but he never thought to include me in it. Our sex life is lacking completely, which again for me has been an issue that both coincide with, along with some 'personal' things i feel hed rather do than be intimate with me. He denies it all, tells me im crazy. Ive flat out asked him if hes cheated or is no longer interested in me or attracted to me, he denies it all and says its just natural changes bc were living together now. I dont disagree with that being partly the reason and i do not think hes cheating or trying to. I just am beyond broken lately and feel i have nowhere to go! I need help.....i dont know how to support something when 1- i disagreed with it being a first option, 2- i feel completly shut out and disregarded, 3- i feel it gets thrown in my face and only adds to criticism towards me, 4- seems to be consuming him and effecting our otherwise strong relationship, etc etc etc.

I know this is a novel....i just dont know what to do anymore! Im a therapist and although ive got a lot of tools in my arsenol, i dont have the slightest clue what to do anymore when it comes to this....i feel ive tried everything! Ive been supportive, bitchy, ignored, etc. nothing seems to improve anything and im growing more and more angry, sad, etc

Can anyone help, or recommend something?

Ohhh and lastly, i dont feel comfortable inquiring about a spousal support group with the surgical team/office he used, since it turns out the PA who performed his surgery with the doctor, is his friends ex-girlfriend....i dont fear shed be unprofessional, as it seems she has been since day one, but i just dont feel 100% comfortable, not to mention its a 2-hour commute for me.

Again, i apologize for the length....i hope someone can help or guide me! Thank you all for your time!

ButterflyMiss, on 21 Jan 2015 - 08:04, said:

I have attempted counseling with him and he will not go and i will be attending alone, regardless. Im awaiting a listing from my insurance company.

Go anyway. You will learn whether you have it within you to stay or walk away from this relationship.

Wow, Paragraphs...Paragraphs...Paragraphs

I couldn't read it all, it was too much.

From what I read, and don't take this the wrong way...he has a journey and goal that he is trying to achieve..men don't care for women that are breathing down their backs...be supportive/loving but let him make his own decisions or I'm afraid you might scare him off.

Cook dinner at night and make a healthy meal, if he chooses not to eat then so be it...walk a mile in his shoes post op and perhaps you might get a sense of what "we" sleevers go through mentally.

This response was not meant to anger you, but perhaps relieve some of the pressure.

Hahaha no no im not angry and really appreciate everyones input. I previously apologized for the lack of paragraphs but again, my apologies!

Just to clear some stuff up for everyone, I dont think im trying to control him, if I am i dont see how. My struggle with all of this is how he is acting differently towards me and treating me. These things started before his surgery but have only progressed. There are issues regardless which I am seeking counseling for. I will invite him with me but if he chooses not to, I will go myself. Regardless, its the transitions to how he used to relate to me and treat me to now that is my struggle: before vs after surgery, before vs after he moved in, etc.

I guess in a sense, i'd like to know from other sleevers or their supports who may be on here; i completely understand there will be changes in himself (self esteem, image, etc) but what do I do when those positive changes in him (which i dont dislike) are also equalling increased critism towards me? Is/has anyone else experienced this?

@@ButterflyMiss - I think you are too worried about him and not enough about you. You can't control him. You can't change him or his behavior. Get yourself in counseling and figure out why you are in this relationship and if you want to stay. The only person you can truly control is you. Asking untrained stranger to weigh in is not going to help you control, change or understand him.

I absolutely want to stay and am not trying to control anyone. I'm trying to figure out how to navigate all of this new negativity between us, is all. Hopefully the counseling will help and hopefully he'll be willing to come too, at some point.

I am sorry but this journey is his to take and it's not really one that can be shared. All you can do is support with "that's great honey." Without counseling I would focus on activities that you both enjoy and do those together. It seems that you are both very food centered. Do things together that don't involve food. Even things you have not tried before. Place the focus where it needs to be - your relationship, not all this little stuff.

Phew! My two cents for what it's worth.

First, at the risk of seeming redundant. Girl....paragraphs. There is a little edit button at the bottom of your post. Go back and add some, please. I am sure readers are going cross eyed and missing much of your message -- I know I did.

I am NOT a therapist. My "qualifications" are this: I was sleeved 20 months ago, I've experienced the journey, I've been happily married for 20 years (in March), with my husband for 23. I know how it feels to gain/lose and I have seen negativity from spouses regarding this decision (my bestie, not me personally).

He didn't have to ask you permission to have surgery. He didn't need your approval. I didn't ask my husband his opinion on the surgery, I told him what I was doing and I opened the floor for him to voice his concerns and ask questions. His concerns had ZERO influence on me, but as he is the insurance holder and my life partner, I figured it would be wise to at least ease any fears and give him some time to think about what I was choosing to do. Fortunately (for him) he was (reservedly) supportive. If he hadn't been, he would have been sorely disappointed because I was having the surgery no matter what. FOR ME.

It's MY opinion (and you know what they say about those), that your insecurity about your own weight struggles are an underlying theme here. He's losing weight despite what you think are bad food choices and habits while you fight for each pound. You are on your own weight loss journey and you want support from him that he's not giving you. You know, the same support you really aren't giving him.

Bottom line? It's not about you, cupcake. Your journey belongs to you and his journey belongs to him. You said (something to the effect of) he is influencing your food choices and exercise habits pre and post op? WHY?? I am a grown woman and I assume you are as well. NO ONE puts food in my mouth or tells me when or how I am going to exercise but me. Don't blame your choices on him, that's an excuse.


In turn, what he is putting in his mouth, and how often, has nothing to do with you. I don't care if he asks you for your input, I don't care how many books you've read, it's NOT your business. You stated that his doctor's words aren't gold and that he is putting his doctor's opinions over yours? At the risk of sounding harsh, his doctor's words are MUCH more golden than yours and he should put those opinions first. That's why he (you?) shelled out the big bucks.

His goal weight is ALSO none of your business. You say you have his health in mind, but it sounds to me like you care more about his appearance and what you are attracted to. I won't believe for a minute that his doctor is trying to get him to a weight that is unhealthy. You say your man would be FINE at 250 pounds? For that weight to be healthy, he would have to be 7 feet tall. You say he is big boned and has a football build? Even at 6'4" he would still be obese at that weight. That's not healthy unless he is Arnold Schwarzenegger at his prime. His surgical team should have him in regularly for blood work and nutrition follow up. Worry about those numbers more than the number on the scale.

(For the record, I do NOT live and die by a BMI scale. I am at my personal goal and still in the overweight category by 7 or 8 pounds, but I am muscular and have very low body fat. I also have about 5-7 pounds of skin that's wiggly and could be removed but I don't care enough to do anything about it. I am NOT, however, OBESE.)

As for the financial. You are making the (unwise!?!?) choice to support him. You aren't married. That's a whole notha' topic, not one that is any of MY business. It's also one I can tell you that I wouldn't give you any positive feedback if you were my friend or sister.

I say go for the counseling asap. Like BlerdGirl said above, professional advice is called for here. Our advice won't really cut the mustard, so to speak! All I can add is: Go with the flow. The changes are gonna happen no matter what. In the meantime, let his criticism roll off your back and try not to take it personally because it's his stuff he's working through and some of it is spilling onto you is all. Concentrate on whether YOU want to stay. Really think about it. Being on your own is likely better than being with an emotionally abusive partner. You owe it to yourself to consider why you are there. The criticism may not just be a growth phase. You need to talk to a counselor or therapist because that's about all the advice you will be able to get here. A counselor will give you cognitive and therapeutic techniques you can't get here.

Good Luck!

Oh! And if you are indeed a therapist, you should know plenty of people in your own network you can talk to. I think you know you need to.

I agree with those suggesting marriage counseling or couples therapy, the one thing I want to adress for you a bit, is you being against surgery after he has tried and failed and tried and failed. If he could make those diets work for him and maintain, he would have done it by now, he is 30, I wish i could have done it when I was 30, think of how much longer you will get to enjoy him when his health issues are resolved. I am 38 and Got heavy around the time I hit 21 losing weight and gaining it back is my specialty, WLS can be a big motivator in keeping the weight off because you've gone through all this trouble even risking your life a bit to lose weight, most people do not have surgery unless they are serious about losing the weight. As for your finacial issues I won't speak to those, I understand your frustrations there, and that's the main reason I say I agree with couples therapy. Good luck.

I think you have gotten a lot of good feedback on this thread. I agree with everyone else that professional help would be a great benefit. If one of my younger friends was in this situation here is the suggestions I would have:

1) Don't say anything about his weight or surgery except encouragement. From what I read it only leads to a fight, so don't do it.

2) Don't take the "bait" when he criticizes. In other words, if he says something about your workout, say "thanks for sharing."

3) Reconsider your living arrangements. IMO you are both too close and need some space to sort this all out

4) Read the book "Crucial Conversations" It gives great tips.

Good Luck to you.

I had a hard time following all of the original post, but I can share a very short story that i think is relevant. I have had two significant relationships in my life. i married my high school sweetheart and divorced him in my early 30s. Then I connected with a man who i never married but who lived with me over a decade and was stepdad to my kids. Two very different men but they had one thing in common - I financially supported the whole lot.

Don't wait till your 50 to decide you deserve to be with someone who "pulls his own weight" on the finance front. for myself, single again and not really loving all aspects of single life, I still would not go back to being taken advantage of financially - I would rather be alone.

Please dont get me wrong, I never said I am or was against the surgery, I said I had 'wished' he would have chose other options first. I ONLY stated that b/c since I have known him, he was successful with dieting, exercising, weight loss programs etc but he would stop them because he wanted quicker results.

I completely understand this is HIS journey and I'm fine with that. I am not at all trying to impede on that, again my concerns is how he now is relating to me, food, our life, etc. also as I mentioned I am concerned about how he appears to be becoming obsessed with aspects of this, such as constantly weighing himself, daily.

I get the feeling some people here are not understanding how I meant my initial thread and concern and I apologize if it was due to how I worded it, lack of paragraphing, etc. All I am trying to gain insight on is HOW to go about supporting him when all his new changes in his journey are negatively impacting us, as a couple. I am not here to discuss me, alone. I am trying my best to support him but it seems however I try, it's not making things any better. I don't feel its right to be an idle bystander but maybe thats what he needs.

I was trying to give everyone a full picture of what I'm going through, in my eyes/mind. My struggle is solely that its getting harder and harder for me to support this and be supportive to him, when he is quickly becoming cold and callous towards me. Like I said, this is not solely about his WLS as some started when he moved in and that I will deal with 1:1 with a therapist. I'm simply here to TRY to further understand what I can do, if anything, and how to do it.

Where do the spouses and such go for some support with this process? I commend everyone for making a decision to do WLS surgery, I truly do. But as the spouse, it is difficult to adjust for me as well, and I do not want that to turn into me turning a blind eye and then I'm really not being supportive to him. I have read a lot online and I know I am not the only 'support' who struggles with this aspect of his journey and lifestyle change.

We should be supporting each other and someone above hit it on the head; I'm not getting the support I need from him (and maybe not giving support, despite my tries), but I am trying to learn what it is I can do. It's hard to stay positive with this journey for him, when yes I am in my own journey too, but if I share my achievements or struggles his respons to me is now 'well, why don't you go have the surgery, too?'. How is that something that will not evoke negativity in me? But when he shares his struggles and concerns, I can be supportive. Not to mention, I am about 35/45lbs overweight and can I do the WLS, im sure, but I'm choosing not to, the same way he chose to. There are also major differences, medically for us and many factors. Regardless, to each their own.

Am I making this any clearer?! I just feel like some of these responses are taking my concerns way out of context and if I can clear it up, I will. I'm just trying to see and hear and outreach to people who have gone through this, to figure out how I can navigate all of this with him, even though its his process and journey.

Lastly, to clear up my last piece; I did not get upset that he didnt tell me about deciding on the surgery, all I was upset about was that he failed to share with me his thoughts and decisions, not that he needed my approval. We're an open, engaged couple...I dont think it's too much to ask, to be informed about a major life change my future hubby was planning to make. Disagree or not and for whatever reasons, I never tried to approve or disapprove it, or talk him out of it. And though its his decision and process, it does change things btw us related to food and not, all I wanted with regard to that, was the mutual respect of being informed and involved, not for approval.

I mean hell, we finally go to the gym together and thats awesome and I love it! But before his surgery, its something we never did together but I did on my own...good, bad, indifferent, small, big...it's still a change between us, as a couple.

I had a hard time reading it all so I'll just address a few things from my perspective. I have thought about having WLS for years. Did other diets along the way. None were successful. My DH supported me through those and never told me that I couldn't follow through. I decided to have WLS. I was overweight when we met, I was overweight when we got married and throughout our marriage. He loved me exactly like I was. The surgery was my decision for myself, he never tried to talk me out of it. The only thing he said was "if you are doing it for me, then reconsider". I was doing it for me. He asked me if I wanted him to go to appointments with me, I didn't. I wanted to do as much alone as possible. Just needed to know that if I did need him, he was there. And he was.

The night before surgery, I was terrified of going in. I can't imagine how I would have felt if my DH reacted the way that you did and tried to convince me not to go through it. He is supposed to be my rock, and if he acted that way, I would have been heartbroken.

It's only been almost 6 weeks since my surgery, but I won't lie, I talk about myself a lot. I tell him how much I lost, how little I ate or ask him if I look thinner. I only do this with him, no one else. It's an exciting thing for me to be losing weight and looking and feeling better. If I couldn't talk to him about it, I would feel lost.

Don't push him to be involved more that he wants or needs from you. He knows what he needs to do, let him do it.

no one is qualified to make any decisions about your situation except you. Ill give you some things from a man's perspective. I had my sleeve in December. thanks to my pre-op diet and the surgery im down from 362 to 292. every morning i look in the mirror to see the changes because when other people saw them first my eyes didn't see them, but now that I do, its fun to revel in it a little because i never could before.

Its kind of a man thing maybe, like the male peacock we have an instinctual need to show off to someone. Every day my wife hugs me and says how proud she is of me and how good i look and how well im doing, but she also reminds me she loves me at any weight, as you have said as well. It is, i have found, important to me to have the positive reinforcement on a daily basis, my wife, my friends my coworkers all do it and it helps me reestablish my goals and my resolve to get through the boring meals and such. Now this is me, I cannot emphasize that enough. My wife who is not obese per se, she is 5 6 and weighs 190 but has lost 15 pounds by eating healthier etc and she goes to the gym with me and we have made weight loss a part of OUR lives not just my life. I think this really helps us. A big side effect is how much we save by not eating out etc.

Now some of what you have said does make me think that if it were me in your man's shoes, I would see someone in psych to help with why I'm not able to adjust to the lifestyle changes. I wouldn't blame the doctor either, you never know what your man is saying to them to elicit the responses they are getting or even if what he says is accurate or just what he wants to hear. I wouldn't worry about him being too small at 220 pounds unless he is 6 foot 7 or above thats not a bad weight. Now I am 5 foot 8 and my surgeons goal weight is 170 which made me laugh at first but now I'm all into it. If you are afraid you won't love him being thin, then the problem is not him being thin, it with you not being able to love a thin person. Now this is just my opinion.

Good luck to you both, I hope it all works out for you.