Good evening all, im new here and not sure i posted in the right place but figured id give it a go, I really need some 'spousal support' here....im the fiance to be exact, however. I apOlogize in advance, as this will be long...My fiance had sleeve in November 2014, though I am extremely proud of him, as he is doing amazing and recovery went smoothly and all, despite him being down 92 pounds already, im having a lot of struggles and the pre and post-op stuff and its really effecting our relationship when it arises. When were good, were solid, when were bad, im more depressed than ever. To sum up the timeline; he struggled with the decision for surgery for about 2.5 yrs or so, basically since I had met him. Obviously his weight was no issue for me, ive struggled with my weight all of my life, as well. In fact, ive always been attracted to husky guys but he was the largest man i ever dated and i fell completely in love! I fell in love with him as a big man and love him regardless, its the changes and obsessions im concerned about (i'll get to that). Prior to his decision, we talked a lot about it and though i always told him if he chose to do so, id spport him, i was against it solely because in the time ive been with him, hes never seen anything through when it came to his weight, even though hed see great results! Prior to me meeting him, he did a medical weight loss program consisting mainly of shakes and lost about 110lbs, but gained it all back once he came off the shakes, coupled with some depression from a breakup and such. Post us meeting, i was about 25lbs smaller than i am now, which obviously bothers me, but again a struggle all my life...i was still however going to the gym, eating right, following tools from weight watchers etc. After some time of us being together, he would speak of wanting to lose weight, we talked about how having a buddy is helpful, etc, so id invite him to the gym with me, invite him to weight watcher meetings, etc. he would never come, so after a few weeks i figured he really wasnt into it and i stopped inviting. After some time, our relationship got more serious, i stopped getting to the gym as much bc wed want to spend more time togeher but that also equalled us going out to dinner more, staying in, being less active, etc. hence the start of my 25lb weight gain and him gaining more as well. With all of that being said.....he met with a surgeon in August/September and HE made a decision to have the surgery. He never spoke to me about it, as he had in the past, and when hed mention it wed fight bc id remind him that ill support it but i was worried he was having surgery and wished he would have at least talked to me before making the devision, and/or TRIED something first and seen it through;, tried the medical program again, a support type program like WW etc as he had previously done them and saw results but never saw them thru. I had reminded him i had gained weight since we met and i had begun working on that, maybe it was something we can try to do together before he decided on surgery. Initally he said no, then suddenly came home (he moved in with me in August, as well) one day and informed me he had joined weight watchers and was going to go to a group that week....i told him that was great and immediately took out all the materials i had previously gotten from family members that we could use (with the hope hed eventually want to try this route with me), picked up my food scale from my parents home, support guides, calculators, etc. and let him know i was all in for us to do it together. In addition, since we were now living together, i again began inviting him to the gym with me...nothing came of the gym or ww. After some time, little fights here and there about food, him effecting my eating habits, preventing me from going to the gym (id say i want to go after work, hed plan an activity or wanna go out to dinner, etc) and basically him binging all the time since he had made his decision, and my concerns for his health. Shortly thereafter again he returned home this time having went through with a new surgeon and now awaiting a surgery date. I was beyond devestated and angry! I felt he completely disregarded my concerns he knew of for him having this and even though i disagreed, its like he refused to even let me be part of his decision meanwhile i felt here i am trying to encourage you, in a different capacity, but encourage none the less BEFORE jumping to surgery. Not to mention, we now share bills but I was covering them all for about 4 months, as he is in debt and im not and i told him being i own my apartment and its my mortgage id carry that until were married and give him 3 mos before hed start paying his portion of monthly bills for the home,so he can try to pay off more debt first...he couldnt save money to pay help pay OUR bills but here he was setting up to have another bill for surgery, while were still paying off his eye surgery, student loan, car, etc in the midst of me carrying all of the household bills, saving for a wedding, etc and he makes significantly more money than me. Maybe financially this wasnt the time but we never even talked about it in definitive means, at all. Dont get me wrong, ive told him time and time agan, his weight was never an issue for me, but his health absolutely was! He is 30 yrs old with diabetes in his family and already on meds for high blood pressure. I digress....he chose the gastric sleeve and though i still disagreed with surgery, did feel it was his best option, which helped me a little...pre-op he was on a liquid diet for 2 weeks and lost 27lbs. I prepared everything for him, spent hours after work at night reading all of the materials from the doctors, etc. we'd fight, but moreover now bc i felt he didnt ask the doctor pertinent information, he rushed into a decision, hes gullable to begin with and i felt like he never told me anything unless i asked....i never even knew when his appointments were for all the pre testing! So, i joined an online forum and read endless at work, at home, when i couldnt sleep, etc. though i spoke to him about all of my concerns, he only seems to focus on my concern of him eventually no longer being attracted to me once hes skinny and feeling different about himself, since im not skinny and currently larger than when we met (minus 10lbs ive recently lost...im 5'0 170lbs, not huge but thick))...he doesnt seem to hear that one concern is more deep rooted and doesnt directly correlate to his surgery, but moreover some changes in him ive seen since he moved in with me and since he made a decision to have the surgery. Regardless, he believes what he will despite how i try to argue what my actual feeling/thought is. November came, i broke down the night before his surgery about not wanting him to go in, afraid he hasnt thought his through, wont wake up, wanted a quick fix, etc. His surgery thankfully went great, as did his recovery and he is now down 92lbs since November....i am extremely proud of him and think he looks great! Here are my concerns, one he has become obsessed with weighing himself daily. His attitude towards me has seemed to change completely as if i have no opinion on anything esp his new journey but it pours into household decisions, wedding plans, etc. he asks me my thoughts/feelings but then argues when im honest or he walks away. he cannot go a single day without mentioning how skinny he looks, his surgery, etc. im running out of responses wuthout being robotic or sarcastic. We walk in a store, he sees a mirror and stops or disengages bc hes looking at himself. we have countless convos about his food choices and when i try to make him realize portion control and helathier decisions is focus, not restriction he argues with me and we get in a huge fight, but when he eats something he considers bad or off diet (a food hes restricted or whatnot), he justifies it. He eats much of the same stuff and ive told him im concerned hell get bored and binge, hell argue me, then last week is complainiing hes bored of his food. He already obviously eats small portions and was up to about 6oz per sitting however went to the doctor today and because hes ahead of the game in his recovery, the doctor wants him to restrict more food and eat smaller portions yet intially told him kt was okay to increase if he felt hungry, but not if he felt satisfied. He is a big boned guy, built like a football player and very broad. I have grave conerns the his surgeon has convinced him to get to this magic number of 230lbs and not only do i think it is unhealthy but i also think hell be way too small. Not to mention, my fiances magic number went from 250 to now 220! I try to let him know theres no magic number, so long as he is happy, healthy and maintains his improvements in choices and such, its about him being comfortable, healthy and hapoy with himself, not a number on a chart! he argues me. Its like i cannot have an opinion on anything when it comes to this....every step of the way i feel he shuns me out, disregards my concerns etc. theres days i think he thinks i dont want him to be successful but its moreover i dont want him to be excessive and put weight back on, as he has time and time again, he has a trainer now, for 2 months after being cleared there was an issue with his training sessions, i told him lets still go to the gym together. He wouldnt, he relied on waiting on the trainer. He claimed hed go to the gym 6 days a week, i encourgaed him to start with 2-3 days and work to more or slowly Increase to keep himself with a goal thats attainable and maintable over time, fights break out. But yet he only goes to tge gym 2 maybe 3 times a week. Now, when we have days off together, we go to the gym together, he works with the trainer i dont, as we couldnt afford the trainer to begin with for one of us, let alone 2, so i told him he can do it. But i ask him to teach me things hes learning from the trainer or ask about stuff i can do (they know he comes to sessions with his fiance) and its like he purposely never wants to share with me. Many times, he makes comments like 'have that cookie for me', 'have some pizza for me'....its like he wants me to gain as he loses, sabotage me butne remains successful meanwhile he knows i struggle with weight loss to begin with, too. I tried to talk to him tonight, after he told me his doc wants him eating less and another fight broke out....he tells me 'its my freakin body' after i explained to him i was upset bc i feel like he asks why im upset but doesnt want to hear it and im upset bc im worried hes not necessarily being healthy if hes eating even less, considering he doesnt eat much because of the surgery. I tried telling bim that i understand its coming from a doctor but it also seems the doctor has an ideal weight for you that may not be individualized for you. He yelled at me and walked away. In the past ive tried explaining to him, at my smallest i was 19lbs above the american standard, but i looked sick and my family was ready to admit me for an eating disorder. Ive tried telling him that in my opinion, the standards do not take into consideration someones body type and how they carry their weight, its just a mathematical number. Ive told him that i really wish hed not focus on this magic number and focus on making healthy decisions and being active and how great i think he looks now, down almost 100lbs. He always starts a fight about it. Im beyond spent! I go to his support groups, when i can get there on time since its a 2-hour commute for me, from work....im one of the only people there as a support and they offer the support/spouses no support....so i go for him but i feel i have nowhere to take out my frustrations or talk about them. I truly believe in talking about things, or even fighting so long as theres resolution, being able to get things out rather than let things build up but he walks away from me.....when it comes to family and friends, i dont talk to them because i feel its 1- unfair to divulge his/our personal business and 2- unfair to let them know these struggles and how its effecting US because were engaged and i dont want anyone discouraging his weight loss or swaying us to rethink our marriage because of it. I absluetly feel we can work it out but im lost for what to do. I feel like i have nowhere to go, he wont talk to me or hear my concerns, he wont ask his doctors about my concerns just acts like their word is gold....so when he asks me why im upset and i try to tell him and it causes a fight, i later let him know you ask me but dont want to hear anything from me, you only seem truly concerned about what your doctor says and a degree doesnt make him anymore important than me. I tried telling him today, im not angry but what hurts and bothers me is he doesnt seem to care when he asks me, he asks to say he asked. Next to all of this, prior to him deciding on his surgery and having it, i began eating better and getting back to the gym. I suffer from a thyroid disease and ceased metabolism, and therfor struggle like crazy to lose weight and tone up. But of course, i easily gain. Regardless, i didnt have surgery so my weight loss will be muuuuuuch slower than his. He has never seemed to support me with losing weight and toning, but is quick to critisize my gym routine (i usually go 2-4 times a week...before he didnt care, now he contantly tells me i should go more), , i eat too little sometimes or no at all, etc. He knows ive been trying, making better decisions, encouraging him to stay on track etc, he will want to go get forzen yogurt, ill say no, hell convince me, then tell me im such a horrible support for him. He'll 'cheat' at home but in front of friends and family, eats like a bird, as if hes showing off but so far, will always eat later on when we get home! I have a feeling he told his doctor his eating has been worse than it actually has been bc some days hes very hard on himself and some days hes very reasonable and sees this is a process and journey and not every day will be great but it doesnt mean hes failing. I dont think his surgery entails him not eating. It entails him learning moderation and such, at least everything i read and have hard has said so. I shared with him one day MY excitement of how a coworker made a comment about me losing weight and looking 'brighter' and he got mad, telling me he tells me all the time....he has never once told me hes noticed ive lost weight, and ive now lost about 13lbs in total. In fact, its been quite some time since hes seemed to even notice me, period! I can walk past him naked and it doesnt phase him. I can tell him i lost another pound or 2, he barely responds to me. Ive explained these things to him, as well, as more examples of how things between US have changed since he moved in/made this decision and how the decision was going to effect us both but he never thought to include me in it. Our sex life is lacking completely, which again for me has been an issue that both coincide with, along with some 'personal' things i feel hed rather do than be intimate with me. He denies it all, tells me im crazy. Ive flat out asked him if hes cheated or is no longer interested in me or attracted to me, he denies it all and says its just natural changes bc were living together now. I dont disagree with that being partly the reason and i do not think hes cheating or trying to. I just am beyond broken lately and feel i have nowhere to go! I need help.....i dont know how to support something when 1- i disagreed with it being a first option, 2- i feel completly shut out and disregarded, 3- i feel it gets thrown in my face and only adds to criticism towards me, 4- seems to be consuming him and effecting our otherwise strong relationship, etc etc etc.

I know this is a novel....i just dont know what to do anymore! Im a therapist and although ive got a lot of tools in my arsenol, i dont have the slightest clue what to do anymore when it comes to this....i feel ive tried everything! Ive been supportive, bitchy, ignored, etc. nothing seems to improve anything and im growing more and more angry, sad, etc

Can anyone help, or recommend something?

Ohhh and lastly, i dont feel comfortable inquiring about a spousal support group with the surgical team/office he used, since it turns out the PA who performed his surgery with the doctor, is his friends ex-girlfriend....i dont fear shed be unprofessional, as it seems she has been since day one, but i just dont feel 100% comfortable, not to mention its a 2-hour commute for me.

Again, i apologize for the length....i hope someone can help or guide me! Thank you all for your time!

Again, I NEVER tried to convince him, asked him or even alluded to me trying to tell him not to have his surgery.

The adjustments have nothing to do with him being heavy or thin, either. I have no issue with him losing weight nor is that something that will make me love him any less.

I was in a live in long term relationship at the time of my sleeve. My partner was supportive in the sense that he drove me to appointments, never tried to talk me out of it and never sabatoged me. However, I had lost 125# and I finally asked him if he had noticed me looking better. Yep, he had paid nary a compliment. What was really going on was we had been "broken up" for awhile but i was so lost in the fog of my illness that I didn't really get it.

I could have really benefited from my partner being able to compliment, cheer me on and comfort me but he wasn't able. It was lonely in some ways but i have a lot of friends and great work colleagues who filled the gap.

I feel like people who say things like "I wish the person had just tried harder without surgery" actually have no idea what it is like to reach the helpless zone regarding managing obesity. I simply could not do it without surgery and even with, it it has not been totally easy.

On the looking in the mirror alot etc - I don't know, he could really be going through a big headspace change and struggling with it. Those things seem like temporary adjustments... annoyances. I weigh daily to keep myself accountable - otherwise I start regaining so I don't see that as obsessive.

One thing I know about relationships, they don't work out well if they are somehow competitive or advserial.

Touche' about the 'i wish' comment I made. I mean I struggle with my weight too my entire life, but youre right, not to the degree he did. At his request, I go to appointments when he wants. I do attend his bi-weekly support groups with him, as he asks me to. I do respond positive to his compliments about himself or when he breaks out his old, smaller clothes, etc.

Wow – I'm exhausted reading all this! I'll preface my thoughts by saying that my journey may be different than some others. I'm somewhat obsessive about staying on track and reaching my goal as quickly as possible, and then figuring out the rest of the journey from that new place. Some insights from the weight-loss battlefield:

• Weight loss surgery and its aftermath are very personal, very selfish things. (Sorry, but it's true.) In order to succeed, we need to put our priorities first – at least where our eating habits are concerned.
• That being said, we crave the affirmations and really appreciate all the nice comments. Again, it's selfish, but that's part of what keeps us going.
• If we're doing well, we look in the mirror – a lot. It's part of our reinforcement. I don't think we'll all end up being narcissists, but for now we are very self-focused.
• As a result, we talk about our journey – again, a lot. The hope is that one day we will be at a place where the novelty will wear off, and it's just the way we live now. Then finally we can shut up about it.
• We hope our significant others and close friends can keep their eye-rolling to themselves and just tell us we look great, because their "constructive" input is not really relevant at the moment. But our doctor's is.
• I'm on the scale 2-3 times a day. I don't get upset when I don't lose because I understand it, but I'm aiming for a goal weight and the scale helps keep me on track.
• My goal is a reasonable, healthy goal, according to my doctor. My wife and mother wish I would stop losing now. I just say "thank you", and keep going. Again, my doctor, the bariatric surgeon, has approved my goal.
• And finally, I really appreciate the wonderful support my wife has given me from day-one to now.

Okay, those are the precursors to my thoughts about your particular situation. Hopefully you see that from the weight loss perspective, I can put myself into your fiancee's shoes. I understand his situation and his perspective. And, as others have caveated, I'm in no way a qualified counselor or therapist; just a married guy who's going through the same process as your fiancee. So, with that being said....

• If you're characterizing it all fairly, it sounds like he's being a real prick. He's shutting you out completely and actively sabotaging your own weight loss efforts.
• When he makes bad choices, he doesn't want them pointed out, but he does want affirmation when he makes good ones. I get that, but he has to take some responsibility for the bad ones too.
• This process can feel threatening to our significant others. Those of us who are changing, physically and emotionally, have a responsibility to keep reinforcing to those who are affected by our journey (and supporting us along the way), that we love them and find them attractive.
• He's using you for emotional and financial support, and, again if you're giving us the whole story, he's providing you absolutely nothing in return.
• Do not, repeat, DO NOT marry this guy without going through some serious counseling. I'm a big proponent of pre-nuptial counseling anyway, and your story sounds like a really bad start to a life together.
• And, as others have suggested, I think you'd be well served to stop living together.

I just had a crazy thought... In fear of acting like a therapist myself, what if you showed him what you've written here and asked him to write up what his response would be? (No talking/fighting about it out loud – it has to be on paper so he has time to think about it first.) You could combine your segments into one concise, cohesive document that would thoughtfully communicate your feelings and perspective. Might he go for that? Ummm.... Maybe you'd better run this idea by a real counselor first, though.

If all this leads to a break up, accept it as a good thing in your life. Again, if your story is not one-sided, it sounds like you'd be better off without him.

We all wish you the best of luck in resolving this dilemma. But please, do think of yourself and your needs – that's what he's doing.

@@ButterflyMiss If you were having issues prior to surgery, then perhaps the problem is not the surgery..could it be that you both are walking different paths? If you say your not angry and not trying to control him...that is what he thinks when you tell him he NEEDS to tell you what he is doing or he NEEDS to give you the emotions that YOU need. You say your supporting him but it seems your going against him by KEEP rubbing in his face (theoretically) that you are certain his feelings have changed for you since surgery.

Is that your way of saying YOUR feelings have changed, I mean look at the bigger picture..you made mention that you paid all the bills while he was recovering, he has loans/payments due out the wazoo and you were upset that he incorporated another bill with the surgery. I think/believe it could be you that maybe you feel used and now you think negative because his attitude has changed since surgery..maybe your looking for a scape goat.

According to everything you say, that you may not see...sounds to me like your TRYING to control him out of love but going about it the wrong way with (nagging). Take a few steps back, learn to listen and watch instead of talk...relax and don't sweat the small stuff!!

You say you want specific action items and every response to your post includes some very specific suggestions. It sounds like you are taking positive steps by seeing a counselor.

As far a specifics related to WLS, you have also been given lots of great advice. I would reiterate and expand on what I said in my first post: learn as much as you can about the process (ie, reading, attending support groups, etc.), focus on yourself and your own journey/actions, and consider pre-marital counseling.

I think maybe you are trying too hard to be involved and be supportive. Being on the opposite end of this (I was the one who had surgery), I can say that I wanted my husband to be accepting, but not necessarily INVOLVED in my decision to have surgery and my weight loss journey thereafter. Like your fiance, I had successfully lost weight many times throughout my relationship with my husband and his first reaction when I told him I was considering surgery was to say I didn't need it, because he thought I could do it on my own. He was disappointed, because he felt like I was "giving up". And he honestly lost a little respect for me, because he always felt I was a very strong and determined person.

While I was sad to think I was letting him down in some way, I could only do what I thought was best for me. I love that he saw me as a strong person, and I do still believe I am a strong person, but my inability to maintain weight loss was simply not something I could overcome on my own. While my husband knows me better than anyone else in the world, he doesn't know me better than I know myself. And I knew that while I was capable of losing weight on my own, after so many failed attempts to maintain weight loss, I needed to do something that would make maintenance realistically possible for me.

Beyond the initial decision to have the surgery and the help I would need with recovery, I didn't want my husband very involved. It's something I decided to do for myself and I was perfectly content to do all the research and find support for myself. I like that my husband is fairly removed from the situation. We eat dinners together (he's the cook) and we go grocery shopping together and he is vaguely aware of my nutrition requirements, but he leaves it all up to me to make sure I'm eating enough, getting the right nutrients, and taking all my Vitamins and whatnot. He's not my mom. I'm a grown up and I can take care of myself.

I think you need to respect that your fiance is an adult and he made a decision for himself and that it's up to him to follow through on that himself. You don't need to worry about whether he's eating enough or what he's eating or if he'll regain the weight. By doing that, you are probably encroaching on his very personal journey and probably coming across as a little naggy.

I'm not saying don't take an interest at all, I'm just saying that maybe you should remove yourself from the situation somewhat.

I don't attend support group meetings, but if I did, I would definitely NOT want my husband to go with me. I would want to share that experience with other WLS patients who knew why I did what I did and exactly what I was feeling. I would be self-conscious about talking about my weightloss issues in front of my husband. He can never fully understand my journey, because he's never been in my situation. Even if he lives with me every day and shares his life with me. He can support me without understanding me. And that's what I suggest you do. Take a step back. Be supportive, but not intrusive.

I feel so accomplished - I read through everything! Even the responses. So far as being supportive - You sound pretty supportive to me.

You're a therapist? I'm in mental health too... and I don't know if you've gotten yet that self care has to come first.... Heck, some days I'm not sure if I have gotten that yet. Dealing with other people's junk all day can push us to the point where we think pretty abnormal is 'normal'. What you describe ain't normal.

I was sleeved about 6 weeks ago. My husband was not objecting to it really, but not the most supportive partner either. My husband is now planning a sleeve. Let's just say our personalities are different. He asked me to line things up for him, I've started him on Vitamins to correct a few deficiencies that showed up in his blood work and increased Protein, decreased carbohydrate in prep for his meeting with his surgeon, which he had me schedule. My husband is my fifth child sometimes - but when it comes to medical things, he prefers it that way and I tolerate it.

I'm going to share a few different categories of things - you can use the title to see if you want to read the whole list:

Things I've learned about weight loss surgery.

1. Most people who have it are usually successful on a diet but have trouble maintaining.

2. One of the things they screen for in terms of the psychology work up is making sure you're selfish enough to take time to ensure you have/get/do what you need... for people who ALWAYS put others first, the self care required after surgery is unbearable and they tend to have more complications.

3. It has turned me into a scale, food, appearance obsessed narcissist. I actively try to suppress this because I don't want to upset the people around me.. but it is a fact. I obsess what I put in my mouth, my kids mouths, what my husband puts in his mouth.. just not out loud. I'm hoping this is temporary; as I have less to worry about what I eat, I worry less about what they eat.

Things I've learned about people.

1. There is a difference in a caregiver and a caretaker... I was once categorized as a care taker, and I think perhaps you are on my side of the line we can call our team, "I have the answers... why won't you just listen?!"

2. And the answer to that question... Because they don't really want my answers... they want to come up with their own. Weight watchers, the gym, a trainer... whatever works for you - he isn't listening because he didn't ask you how to lose weight, what you say is he told you he was ready to do something about his weight.

3. They think I am a know it all who doesn't hear them. Until they come up with the same answers, and then they're like - well, I should have just listened to you.

Age... maturity... wisdom... ADD medication? Has helped me temper the impulse to blurt the answer, whether someone asks me or not.

Things I've learned about marriage.

1. A selfish person does not get any less selfish.

2. The work load just gets heavier, it doesn't get distributed more equally. What you're describing is a 90/10 split. Maybe you can carry your part now... but what about when that part gets more involved?

3. Men do not change. Boring stays boring, lazy stays lazy, spendthrift stays spendthrift.

In reading your post - and many responses - it reads like you're paying him to stay with you. In my experience, he will get more expensive and you will get less value for your money. When you need him, he will not be there.

Things I've learned about sleeves and marriage:

Back to me and my husband. At first he was adamantly against surgery. Then he was ok whatever with surgery for me but remained adamantly against it for himself. Then that darling man kept complaining about his weight. And I said, "If you want the sleeve I'll be happy to support you in that."

For you, however - you said that makes an automatic negative reaction. How is that any different than when he said, "I want to do something about my weight" and you said, "Do weight watchers like me." or "Go to the gym with me." He's hearing "I'm not happy with my weight" and saying "Get a sleeve like me."

I finally told my husband, and meant it, "Baby - I love you. 200 lbs, 400 lbs, great hair or bald, sickness or health.. Yes, I think you need to lose weight. For blood pressure, for pain control, for inflammatory control - I think you need to do something about it. I will walk with you. I will cook whatever meal plan it is you want to follow..but if you're not going to watch your intake, I'm not going to listen to your weight shit. "

For the record - I only tell him what I've lost if he asks... just like everyone else, and I don't bitch about what I have to eat or don't get to eat.

His surgery consultation is a week from Tuesday. And I swear I will not eat solid food in front of him while he's on liquids and mushies.

So if you've made it to the end of my post - I second and third, you yourself need a therapist. It's amazing how much you know in your brain but don't apply in your life until one of your colleagues gently (or sometimes not so gently) points out to you that you really ought to not lay at other people's feet if you're going to get upset when they walk all over you.... or that if you feel like people aren't listening, maybe you should stop giving away your words.

I also personally and professionally think you need to have him move back into his own place and pay his own bills. He's not saving up for a future with you.

After he moves out, I'd consider couples counseling - if he suggests it.

A successful marriage requires work; if he isn't putting work forward before the marriage - it's probably less painful to just let the relationship die a quick death than 10 years from now when you're giving him half your house, paying off joint bills he ran up, and he's got your kids every other weekend and holiday and half the summer... and he's poor mouthing because he's 2 grand behind in child support.

<<I was trying to give everyone a full picture of what I'm going through, in my eyes/mind. My struggle is solely that its getting harder and harder for me to support this and be supportive to him, when he is quickly becoming cold and callous towards me. Like I said, this is not solely about his WLS as some started when he moved in and that I will deal with 1:1 with a therapist. I'm simply here to TRY to further understand what I can do, if anything, and how to do it.>>

I think everyone here has given you a lot of good advice and you don't seem to want the answers.

1) this is HIS journey and you have no business trying to advise him what to do or what to eat. If he asks your advice on something, you can offer your opinion; otherwise, stay out of it.

2) Your weight loss and his have nothing to do with each other, except that you both possibly eat for emotional reasons and since you are not getting the emotional support from each other that you want, you may use food to blunt those feelings. You both probably need to be seeing a therapist to deal with that, alone.

3) Neither of you seem to be getting your emotional needs met; why would you want to marry and make this permanent?

You do seem to want to control things. I'm not criticizing you; I have been through this for the last 24 years of a bad marriage. I ignored all the problems in my rush to get married. Now I'm getting divorced but it took gaining 100 lbs and 2 years of my own therapy to get to this point. I have many things from my childhood that impacted my relationships with others and I did not realize for a long time that I had subconsciously chosen a clone of my cold, distant alcoholic father. yeah, psychobabble but it's true. I tried to control so many things in my life b/c I could not control whether my husband (or my father before that) loved me. Food was my control item and also my anesthesia to numb those feelings.

I think couples therapy is great, but only after both of you work on yourselves alone. My husband and I did some therapy together and it was great at first but it was a bandaid. As soon as we delved below the surface, he bailed and wouldn't work on anything serious.

Now is the time to love yourself, before loving anyone else. Have him move out and get his own finances in order and his weight loss, work on yourself and then see if there is anything there besides food holding you together.

Would you consider making a list of three non-negotiables you need in terms of support from your fiancé and asking him to do the same? Then you could discuss it together and maybe have a better understanding of how to help each other. Sometimes we want to help our loved ones, but the way that we go about it is not a way in which they need it or can receive it. A dialogue about how you can be a support for him (and vice versa) might be all you need to open your lines of communication.

On a separate note, I would like to address your financial situation. I know that you did not ask for our opinions on that, but I feel as though I have a responsibility to comment. In your story, i heard a lot about myself. I was married to (and am now divorced from) someone who I supported financially. We lived together before we were married and it started then. He had horrible credit and mine was great. I helped him pay off student loans, buy a car and further his education. I kept thinking that things would change. The more I tried to keep up with our bills, the more he spent. I left our marriage two years into it with over $100,000 of debt (most of which I never knew he had charged). In retrospect, I saw the signs before we were married and ignored them. I am urging you to look at the whole picture. We don't know your relationship; only you do. "To thy own self be true."

I wish you and your fiancé the best of luck.

I read through most of that. It's hard to be with someone on this journey...we get a little self absorbed at times. The controlling stuff happens, too. He seems to be handling himself and his own needs in spite of you. I have to ask if you're projecting food, weight, sex and emotional issues of yours onto him?

I don't think it's fair to comment on the play-by-play stuff of what happens to bring so many unhappy momemts between you two because your perspective may be different than mine but I will suggest you talk to someone in AlAnon. Perhaps you can get some perspective and distance (and autonomy) from the destructive/dysfunctional emotional mess if you stop trying to manage him, his weight and his food addiction.... maybe spend that energy on yours and see if that helps.

Peace

AL~ANON!! What a GREAT idea, Folly! Why on earth didn't I think of that?

Edited January 24, 201511 yr by Tori Loukas

AL~ANON!! What a GREAT idea, Folly! Why on earth didn't I think of that?

I attend Codependents Anonymous. CODA.org. I find it very beneficial.

Wow! This was a long one...

I could only give my opinion so here it is. Unless you have had WLS, you will never truly understand exactly what your fiance` is going through - no matter how supportive you try to be. I have a very supportive loving boyfriend and although he is wonderful, there are somethings he will never understand because it's something I am going through. With that said, you really need to get pass the whole (he didn't bother taking into consideration the way you felt about the surgery) because his mind was made up and it was decision he alone could make for himself.

I agree with everyone when they say there is a bigger issue here with you and your finance` and I believe it's probably deeper then you even know. If you feel unappreciated or taken for granted only you can change that. I would say let him enjoy this journey of his, but stay on track with your own journey and don't lose yourself because of what he is going through. You have to be happy with "you" first before you can be happy with anything or anyone else in your life.

Consider this a blessing in disguise that this is all happening before you got married. Hopefully you understand getting married will not fix any of these problems because marriage brings in it's own new set of problems. Sometimes we need to take a step back, take some time apart to really see the "big picture" See if this is still what you really want. Time will tell if this is something he still wants as well.

We are all outsiders looking in and listening to only your side of the story. He may have a different story entirely and probably does. There's always two sides to every story. You need to do what you feel is right for you. He took a step and had the surgery because he felt that was right for him. Whatever decision you make, I wish you the best and will pray that the Lord help you both through this.

honey take it from an old married woman of 39 years. This guy needs to grow up. You should not be paying all the bills, this should be a joint effort. The weight loss thing is a minor problem. You cannot be responsible for his success or failure with his weight. The more you nag him about going to the gym and eating right the more resistant he will become. He is not ready to be responsible for himself in many ways. My ex husband was the same guy, I tried to 6 years to help him grow up but finally gave up. I re-married the most wonderful man in the world who helped me raise my daughter and supported me in everything I did 110%. He and I discussed the weight loss surgery and he said if it will be healthier for you I want you to have it. Since then he never mentions what I eat or what I do. It goes both ways, he was a smoker for many years although he had cancer and heart disease he refused to quit, no amount of my asking him to made a difference. He finally had a Dr. who prescribed Chantix and he quit but it had nothing to do with my nagging. You take care of your health first and foremost because if he doesn't love you enough to step up and be a man now he never will. You deserve way better. Best of Luck Sweetie.