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Weight Loss Surgery, Unloving Thoughts and Behaviors



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Prior to Weight Loss Surgery (WLS) I had never considered that my relationship with food was unloving to my body and my spirit. I just knew I had impulses deep within me for comfort that food seemed to sooth and that I couldn't seem to "control" and I knew my body was unhealthy because of them. I would start the day at 7:00am when the alarm sounded and with my first semi-conscious thought I'd think, "Today's the day I change it all!" That thought would be followed within moments by the dreadful thought, "I wonder how long I'll make it today before I screw it all up? 9:30 a.m.? 10:30 a.m.?"



Because, without exception, the thought always came that I was destined to screw it up. It was only a matter of time. So I was unloving toward myself with this thought too. Then, when at whatever hour I did "screw up," the thoughts came about being a failure; a fat, out-of-control, slovenly failure! After WLS this continued and was often worse, since the pressure was "on" to lose and not regain. Everyone knew I'd had surgery and would know I was a failure on a whole new level if I didn't lose or regained. How's that for unloving thinking?

WLS surgery may prevent, for a while, the eating of large meals but it does not remove from us the need to break unhealthy patterns of thought or behavior with food and create healthy loving patterns in their place. When this work is not done a new kind of hellish relationship with food can begin and along with it continue all those unloving thoughts, which actually get worse much of the time.

On Message Boards and on Facebook I'm reading posts from people who have recently received surgery and are surprised to discover how much of the work they must still do, rather than the surgery doing the work. There are also the posts from people who received surgery months, even years in the past, who are struggling with unhealthy thoughts and behaviors. Often, these are new behaviors that came into existence when the path to the pre-surgery behavior is blocked by the anatomical changes of surgery.

When an RNY patient post-op tries to eat a plate of french fries and reports being drawn to fried foods, even more than before surgery although there is physical pain each time, that is a new unloving, unhealthy behavior. When a LapBand patient considers "productive burping" or PBing a positive way to enjoy food and then vomit it without digesting and absorbing calories or nutrients that is a new unloving, unhealthy behavior. When a WLS patient stops exercising and stops eating Protein and vegetables first and foremost, relying on liquid forms of caffeine and sugar for energy, that is a new unhealthy behavior.

I know this experience firsthand. When I was newly "banded" in 2003 I would enjoy eating 2 shrimp and know that eating the third shrimp, which I of course ate, would bring-on pain and vomiting. Every meal ended at the railing of my deck with me vomiting into my backyard and I actually thought that was a good thing! I got to enjoy the shrimp and then...it was gone! Within 2 years I was living on liquids, with tight LapBand adjustments so that a sip of coffee sat uncomfortably in my stoma for many minutes before dribbling down. Eventually I ate large meals anyway so my esophagus became distended and stretched and is now capable of storing a large meal above the LapBand.

These surgeries are not cure-alls, as we are all warned before we receive them. I am shocked by how much we, me included, don't heed the warnings and find ourselves wandering down new, dangerous paths. If this is happening to you it is vitally important to work with someone who can help you with your thought patterns and behaviors. You can do this with a therapist, a nutritionist, a Certified Life Coach specializing in Bariatrics or a great support group. It is vital to create a place where it is safe for you to get help early with any unhealthy new behaviors that arise before they do real damage to the body and become entrenched in your mind.

Being morbidly obese is just an outward manifestation of behavior and beliefs that are unloving to us. Without addressing specifically those beliefs it will be difficult for most to experience an end to unloving, even violent, acts against the body and spirit as well as develop a healthy relationship with food long-term.

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thank you so much for this. I've been struggling lately and this puts a lot of "stuff" into perspective for me. Wonderful insight into the real problems of obesity and over eating.

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"Being morbidly obese is just an outward manifestation of behavior and beliefs that are unloving to us."

Spot on Ms. Keenan! IMHO of course.....

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Thank you Jack, Prudence and 1Day. I'm so glad the article was helpful and the truths I see and feel had some meaning for you.

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I needed to read this today. No matter how magical my new band is now, if I pick up unhealthy behaviors I can destroy all the good it does for me and harm myself as well. Thanks for the article.

Edited by JustWatchMe

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For JustWatchMe,

The magic is in you, not the band. It's a tool, like a hammer. A hammer doesn't make a beautiful table. A carpenter does. You are the carpenter. You have the free will to make gorgeous furniture or smash your thumb! Make beautiful furniture with your tool.

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    • Alisa_S

      On day 4 of the 2 week liquid pre-op diet. Surgery scheduled for June 11th.
      Soooo I am coming to a realization
      of something and I'm not sure what to do about it. For years the only thing I've enjoyed is eating. We rarely do anything or go anywhere and if we do it always includes food. Family comes over? Big family dinner! Go camping? Food! Take a short ride or trip? Food! Holiday? Food! Go out of town for a Dr appointment? Food! When we go to a new town we don't look for any attractions, we look for restaurants we haven't been to. Heck, I look forward to getting off work because that means it's almost supper time. Now that I'm drinking these pre-op shakes for breakfast, lunch, and supper I have nothing to look forward to.  And once I have surgery on June 11th it'll be more of the same shakes. Even after pureed stage, soft food stage, and finally regular food stage, it's going to be a drastic change for the rest of my life. I'm giving up the one thing that really brings me joy. Eating. How do you cope with that? What do you do to fill that void? Wow. Now I'm sad.
      · 1 reply
      1. LeighaTR

        I hope your surgery on Wednesday goes well. You will be able to do all sorts of new things as you find your new normal after surgery. I don't know this from experience yet, but I am seeing a lot of positive things from people who have had it done. Best of luck!

    • Alisa_S

      On day 4 of the 2 week liquid pre-op diet. Surgery scheduled for June 11th.
      Soooo I am coming to a realization
      of something and I'm not sure what to do about it. For years the only thing I've enjoyed is eating. We rarely do anything or go anywhere and if we do it always includes food. Family comes over? Big family dinner! Go camping? Food! Take a short ride or trip? Food! Holiday? Food! Go out of town for a Dr appointment? Food! When we go to a new town we don't look for any attractions, we look for restaurants we haven't been to. Heck, I look forward to getting off work because that means it's almost supper time. Now that I'm drinking these pre-op shakes for breakfast, lunch, and supper I have nothing to look forward to.  And once I have surgery on June 11th it'll be more of the same shakes. Even after pureed stage, soft food stage, and finally regular food stage, it's going to be a drastic change for the rest of my life. I'm giving up the one thing that really brings me joy. Eating. How do you cope with that? What do you do to fill that void? Wow. Now I'm sad.
      · 1 reply
      1. summerseeker

        Life as a big person had limited my life to what I knew I could manage to do each day. That was eat. I hadn't anything else to look forward to. So my eating choices were the best I could dream up. I planned the cooking in managable lots in my head and filled my day with and around it.

        Now I have a whole new big, bigger, biggest, best days ever. I am out there with those skinny people doing stuff i could never have dreamt of. Food is now an after thought. It doesn't consume my day. I still enjoy the good home cooked food but I eat smaller portions. I leave food on my plate when I am full. I can no longer hear my mother's voice saying eat it all up, ther are starving children in Africa who would want that!

        I still cook for family feasts, I love cooking. I still do holidays but I have changed from the All inclusive drinking and eating everything everyday kind to Self catering accommodation. This gives me the choice of cooking or eating out as I choose. I rarely drink anymore as I usually travel alone now and I feel I need to keep aware of my surroundings.

        I don't know at what point my life expanded, was it when I lost 100 pounds? Was it when I left my walking stick at home ? Was it when I said yes to an outing instead of finding an excuse to stay home ? i look back at my last five years and wonder how loosing weight has made such a difference. Be ready to amaze yourself.

        BTW, the liquid diet sucks, one more day and you are over the worst. You can do it.

    • CaseyP1011

      Officially here for a long time, not just a good time💪
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
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