female only Why is being in a relationship so much harder post-op?

[ScreamingForMySupper 4]

Well let's just get to the point... it could be a little personal but I have to talk about this and I don't know who I can talk to...

I have met my boyfriend in spring 2010 so we've been together for more than 4 years now. In the last year before my surgery I didn't feel very sexy, so we didn't do much when it came to sex. Things are different now. I am losing weight and gaining confidence every day... So first he was all jealous and he didn't want me to go out or talk to other people. Now that is under control again. I mean, I know he is in this process with me and things are changing for him as well, but it is not always for the better...

We haven't had sex since my surgery, and this time it's not because I don't want to. There has been kissing and such, but he just can't perform for some reason. He says it's because I am off birth control and I am 'forcing' him to wear a condom. Yeah well it's not really the best time to get pregnant is it? Is it really that or is there something else. I really hate that he doesn't talk to me about this. I guess it is a big issue for him as well, but how can we talk about this. I mean I am finally in the right mood again and it was kind of disappointing to be honest...

[BeagleLover 1,020]

Couples therapy might help.

[ScreamingForMySupper 4]

@@BeagleLover Maybe... We have had that before my surgery and we were doing fine so I was really hoping that we could talk about this on our own, but the guy is not a talker. Ugh.

Last night I have tried to open up the conversation again and he said nothing, but later on he gave me a hug and said sorry before he went to bed. Hmm. Don't know what to think of this.

[BeagleLover 1,020]

It must be hard when he doesn't seem to want to communicate!

[music1618 879]

In my 11 years of marriage I have learned that there are only certain places to have those conversations. For example sitting in the house and having those types of conversations don't work for us. He stares at the tv and has a look that he hopes it magically will come on and save him from talking.

So I have learned that we either go For a drive in a car (make sure you are driving), go for a walk in a park where you would be able to sit and talk on a bench, or go out to eat.

Make sure you also listen to what he is saying and not saying. It can be really tough for a man to talk about issues with his penis and not performing in bed.

Finally keep in mind men and women are different. We want to talk about our feelings and many men just want to forget it ever happened. You two must find your happy compromise.

[ScreamingForMySupper 4]

@@music1618 You are probably right, as we have had our best conversations ever in restaurants or while travelling. :-) I will keep that in mind!

[Ginger Snaps 1,323]

@music1618 I think you have great advice. I have a difficult relationship with my 20 yo son. He never opens up and talks about anything unless we're driving in a car together. Then he talks non-stop and we can really communicate. I actually remember reading something about this technique in a parenting book. Something very non-confrontational about talking when you're not staring in each other's eyes and face to face.

As a result, any time he actually wants to go anywhere with me, I go even if it's inconvenient. It's our best time sharing.

[TraciHade 3]

I've heard something like this too. Women communicate face-to-face; men communicate side-by-side. This is why guy buddies won't sit on the couch facing each other and talking, but put then facing the tv playing a video game together and they open up.

Edited February 17, 2015 by TraciHade